After the scran and another quick pootle that saw me cut and bruise my thigh after walking into a gate (the language used was beyond the spectrum of blue) I headed forth and arrived at the footballing destination. A can of pop and chocolate was grabbed after paying my dues and then I headed for a sit down where I was soon joined by a fine footy mate, John D ('D' for deviant in case you are wondering). Those of you who read these ramblings may remember that John was involved in selling sexual prosthetic limbs before it went bust. I was eager to see what John was now up to and unsurprised to find that he had moved into the world of Pornographic Jewellery. The catalogue he passed my way was really well presented with Nipple Necklaces, Breast-Based Ear Muffs and Foreskin Bracelets not my thing but appreciated for the craftsmanship. I may consider the Buttock-Skin Snood though, especially for those winter months - I just hope it comes with a zip-up anal fastener as a press stud option would look a little cheap - I shall have to await to see if there are any Christmas deals.
And to the game, John went for a 2-3 score, I fancied 1-1 - this is what went on.
As pen touched paper, a Fox nipped into the undergrowth and John donned his pubic-lined mittens. Euxton bounded forth with No 10 (Joel Darley) going on a weaving meander like a Salmon with an arse full of roe. A pass came, No 11 (Vaughn Green) was the recipient, the end shot was weaker than Russell's Brands claims to be a Christian. Euxton continued to force the pace and work with zealous industry. From the advancing waves however, only No 7 (George Davies) had a headed pop at goal which was lacking in quality and so failed to bulge the netting.
Matters moved on, the guests continued to dictate the midfield areas whilst Maine Road still sought to find their studded tootsies. Eventually the hosts cultivated an attack with No 8 (Ben Mooney) feeding No 2 (Jake Pogson) who sent in a decent looking cross that just lacked that extra 'whip and bend' factor. We were soon watching matters unfold up the other end as Davies was chasing a long ball and only denied by a quickly advancing keeper who did enough to snuff out any serious peril.
Green for Euxton was the next bod to chance the shank. A short run, a punt at goal, the home No 1 (Oliver Brockbank) earned his bacon yet again (unless he was going for the veggie option) and got down and held onto the ball with relative ease. Euxton followed up this minor chance with some delicious football that resulted in two attempts being cleared off the goal line. A free-kick soon followed, the ball went in, out, back in with No 2 (Jack Wyers-Roebuck) finalising matters with a cranial attempt off target. No 9 (Dan Singleton) had a crack soon after, this one was all too easy for the fellow between the timber.
2 corners for Euxton bore the Fruit of the Fuck All Tree and I was left wondering how on earth the away team weren't leading this game.
Maine Road hung on, displayed resiliency and then were away. No 10 (Alex Panter) went on a steaming sortie, the keeper was there to be beaten but a selfless pass found No 7 (Jean Jacques-Kirongozi) who stunned the visiting tribe and slapped home the opening goal of the contest. This came seconds after I said to my mate John that I wouldn't be surprised if the hosts bagged the first strike and threw this game upside down. Maine Road won a free-kick next, the delivery was tidy but the keeper grabbed just in time to thwart the threat by several incoming assassins. The game was now more balanced, both teams were offering threats. As the minutes ticked by, and the half-time break loomed, the EV No 3 (Finnley Kent) went on a fine run with a low cross met by Davies who had a decent strike but was denied glory by the outstretched leg of the home mitter,
The half ended with a booking, a shit free kick and much leg whirring and lather - it had been a decent do for sure.
The break saw me take a leak, eventually crack under John's pressure and see me order a pair of Scrotal Skin Ear-Muffs. I was told they are all the rage in the backstreets of Blythe - I just hope they keep my lugs warm and don't attract those pesky Testicle Midgies. I also did a video interview for 2 grand lads - I seem to be always getting roped into these things - hey ho, it is good to do one's bit. The video can be viewed here - Manchester City IN NON LEAGUE?! (youtube.com) - top work I reckon.
Half two, the home tribe won a quick corner, the ball was delivered and up popped Mooney to double his side's advantage. This was the perfect start and I was lucky to catch the goal as the aforementioned video duties nearly had me distracted. Within a spasm of a springtail's rear the hosts came again, Panter quickly supplied Yousif Yousif with the goal there to be bagged. The outcome - a miss (was this a turning point).
Euxton were now working hard, a free-kick was won and the ball was neatly delivered. A player rose from the pack and the ball was buried, the goal looked good, a discrepancy was seen and 'no goal' was the verdict - I have no idea why! The Road were quick to respond, No 17 (Gold Badmus) had a shot parried by the keeper and Kirongozi pounced but blazed over the horizontal. Euxton strove to get back in to this one, several shots were blocked, corners snuffed out and a few duly wasted. The away lads were playing some good football, No 6 (Cameron Ross) gathered from a back-heel with a whipping cross seeing the home No 4 (Adam Stuart) breathe a sigh of relief when his defending didn't result in an own goal. Road were soon racing forward again, Badmus had a chance to kill the game, the keeper produced a quality drenched stop. Kirongozi was there to follow-up, once again the lad lashed high into the Heavens.
From here on in matters settled with the greatest threat coming from the skies as a hailstorm eruption peppered the playing surface and those exposed. During the last dregs we saw a few yellow cards issued, a late shot from the Road's Panter that lacked direction and a corner that was nothing less than abyssmal.
The whistle was blown, the Man of the Match for me was an easy choice with Maine Road's No 10 (Alex Panter) excellent value. The work rate was sterling, the movement on and off the ball eye-catching and in truth, he deserved a couple of goals for his efforts. Alas for winning the Fungalised MOM Award you get a rubber mushroom up yer arse and a one year subscription to Spore Dropping Shits UK - it is a tough world out there.
FINAL THOUGHTS - Well, a good day indeed, a good cycle, a few fungi recorded, a gutful of fine food, a cafe visit and then this touchline tickler that was a darn decent match for sure. Euxton Villa were worthy of a few goals today, I am still baffled by the fact that they didn't bag a brace (at least). They are a good organised unit with many strong players and an ethos that seems aimed at playing sound football. I cannot see why they won't maintain their lofty position as long as they keep the squad they have and have a fair rub of the green throughout the campaign. I have only visited their ground once, it was a tucked away delight - will I get back there this season - we shall see! One ground I will be returning to is the home of Maine Road FC. They are within peddling distance, are a favoured team I have watched for many a moon and at the moment, look to have a real choice squad that are working with a certain harmony. The players look settled, have a sound on-field awareness and appear to be enjoying their football. They are in a tough but somewhat unpredictable league, there is potential to put together a good run, there is potential to implode and fall apart at the soccerised seams, if you were a gambler where would you place your hard-earned dosh?
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