LION TAMERS FROM 'ELL

28th September 2019 - Stockport Town 2 v 2 Ellesmere Town - After being forewarned of a weekend of utterly dubious weather I still headed out to Cheadle Heath Nomads and attended to the nature area before the afternoon's game.  For my troubles I had a good chat with several fine folk at the helm of the club and got a free brew - this was all positive stuff, on the negative side, the Nomads home match got cancelled,  I got absolutely saturated, wandered home in a filthy disreputable state and bust my only pair of glasses.  I muttered several words under my breath of such obscene proportions that are still not in the dictionary and are only used in Satanic circles.  To further express my irritation I kicked an old lady up the arse just for the sheer Hell of it and put a brick through the corner shop window and bagged a bottle of Stardrops and a packet of Aloe Vera Wet Wipes - I was not a happy man.  When my good lady returned home though we nipped into Stockport and a lovely lass at Spec Savers gave my bins a temporary repair and I was then dropped off at the Woodley Sports Centre to get a piece of footballing action.  A brew with chairman Rob York was very much appreciated, the Bourbons a delectable extra and we were joined by a few grand folk and idly chatted until the time for kick-off came.  It was interesting to hear that Rob was still working on his collection of body complaints and I wished him all the best in his attempts to get a prolapsed scrotum and a herniated buttock before the next home match - I had faith that he could do it and recommended he read The Norman Nobbled DIY Disability Handbook - it is the only way to real ill health.

Once outside I took my position with my mate Gareth Evans, we made predictions, once again they were proven to be ridiculously crap - never underestimate the power of 'having a go'.  The opening session of the game proved to be a balanced affair with Ellesmere's No 7 (William Wells) taking advantage of a defensive blip and forcing the keeper to turn his shot around the post.  The corner was below average which led to a Stockport break that dissolved quicker than a leper's nob in an acid bath.  No 9 (Brendon Price) for the yellow clad visitors came on next with good grit and determination leading to an opportunity to shoot.  The ball went through a crowd of players but lacked bollocks and boom - the keeper easily held.  From this early flow the hosts had a decent period of pressure with a scrimmage in the box leading to a shot that was saved in a somewhat unorthodox manner.  Soon after No 9 (Kiarno Samms) raced away on a sweet thru-ball but the guest mittman was quick to react and cleared just in time.  No 4 (Robert Lofthouse) had a long ranger next, again the visiting No 1 (Liam Cairns) did enough to push the ball away from an angled kick which, as it turned out, was nutted over without much threat.

The game was still in a state of gratifying equilibrium when The Town came again with No 7 (Max Norman) playing a pass to No 8 (Reece Skelton) who saw his distant effort palmed behind  (as an aside I once had a 'palmed behind' - I am releasing details in pamphlet format for a cost of 25 bob - watch this space).  Another kick from the corner came, no fruit of success was borne but then Ellesmere burst with spunky verve, the ball ending up airborne.  The defenders watched the descent, No 8 (Seth Ellis) for the guests had time to collect, take a touch and, to put it crudely, twat homeward.  This was a turn-up, in fact if I would have put the tip of my John Thomas in a plug socket I would have had less of a shock - cripes.

After this unexpected turn-up Ellesmere raced forth again, Wells battled like his life depended on it, the ball was threaded through to Price who shot but provided little consternation for the gloved protector.  The Town now got their act together, passed with care, prodded and probed like a pervert with a rolled up newspaper in a room full of nudists. Wells for the guests though had other ideas, he bust a gonad, flew the flank and somehow managed to let fly but only bulged the outside of the net - the effort was worth the applause anyway.  The Town responded, Samms had a turn and shot in the box, the mitter saved and then a long ball saw Price for the visitors released and have a decent chance to double the lead.  The first touch was poor, the ball ran wide, was recovered and put into the danger area where chaos reigned.  A shot was blocked, a penalty shout waved away, a corner snuffed out.  The closing stages of the half saw Samms for the hosts put a crust touch wide, No 3 (Luke Newsham) screw one off-line and then Norman have a pop with the keeper doing his duty once again  The final kick from the corner came, the header was off target - bugger this, let's have a brew.

A chat with a Nomads regular and a brew and more jaw-wagging with a couple of Ellesmere fans and the rear was re-parked with a brew in my hand and a Galaxy in my pocket.

Half 2 started with a good combative spirit, the hosts seemed to be just shading matters with some appreciable pass and play football keeping the guests alert.  A quick manoeuvre saw a minor opening become more serious as Skelton darted and hit a middling shot.  The goalie, who had done so well up until now, fell like a sack of nervous spuds (yes, potato's can get jittery) and made a hash of matters - the globe squeaked across the line - 1 - 1 it was.

Ellesmere now began to lose discipline, several eye to eye incidents came and a few pushes, several raised voices. The Town were now gaining a significant psychological advantage.  A free-kick came for the growling Lions, it was delivered with too much impetus for the incoming cranium but after a quick counter from the Ellesmere pack Stockport were looking to race away when a collision caused a fuss and the resident No 2 (Joshua Robinson) was sent marching.  Who knows what went on, whatever it was, it was certainly unnecessary.  The home team still retained the upper hand despite being down to 10 men but a long ball over the rear bods saw the yellow No 12 (Aaron Davies) nip in and just push the ball wide - now that would have been a real sickener.  

The game continued with much disjointed effort, The Lions ground out a corner, I expected little but when the ball entered the perilous zone Ellesmere were ragged and No 14 (Connor Bass) was allowed to crack one and give his team a hard-grafted 2 - 1 lead. We soon entered the last 10 minutes, Ellesmere found a renewed lease of life (Lazarus would have been proud).  Whilst the action proceeded I chatted to a nice lass who was the girlfriend of the referee.  Apparently he was on a set fee plus travelling expenses - the fact he was claiming from Land's End seemed dubious and I hope he gets caught for his financial indiscretion very soon - the fact that he was asking for an extra £50 for having cross-eyes was merely insulting - I will be writing a stiff letter to the FA very soon.

The game wound down. The guests pushed, a ball in saw No 8 (Seth Ellis) nut goalward from mere feet out - the resident keeper did mighty well to save his sides skin.  The E's remained undeterred, a few skirmishes brought little hope but a swift thrust saw a penalty claim be reduced to a free-kick right on the edge of the box.  No 11 (Tawanda Melusi) stepped up, had eyes like a shithawk zoned in on the said 'shit'.  The shot that came was firm, the keeper seemed unsighted, bang - 2 -2 - the visiting bench erupted, I am sure the manager had 3 orgasms and a brief heart flutter.  There was little time left for anyone to snatch this, the guests came once more, Melusi passed to Price, a late tackle stopped the threat dead in its tracks - is that the final whistle I hear?  Game done, a fair contest, Man of the Match goes to Ellesmere Town's No 11 (Tawanda Melusi) a tricky player to read with a sub-unorthodox style and a desire to get forth and weave at all times.  He has a good touch and, a good dig, what is lacking in pace is made up for with a footballing brain - it was a pleasure to witness.  I had a chat with chairman Rob after the game, he was not best pleased but continues to do his best by the club as per - good on ya mate.

FINAL THOUGHT - On paper Stockport Town should have won this at a canter, in reality they weren't good enough and the paper that most predictions are written on is usually best used in the karsi area.  The hosts were, in truth, during the first half, disjointed, outmuscled and not allowed to get into any flow - they were dragged into a mire of combative kicking and came off second best.  This was a surprise but consistency is a commodity many seek but rarely find and the home pack need to get a grip on this elusive element if they want to make any great shakes in this highly competitive league.  Ellesmere Town were better value today than when I had last seen them when they were pretty ruddy poor and looked to have a distinct lack of ideas.  Today they were a highly promising unit with some stocky battlers in the mix, a few work horses and one or two mercurial movers who seemed to have the ability to turn a game around and give their team a ray of hope.  The only questions I would pose to the travelling pack are:- can they keep their heads when in a close, touch and go contest and can they build up a good head of steam to maintain their position in this quality laden league?  I am hoping the resurgence continues, I am planning to get down their end before the season is over - I am not saying how much progress they will have made by then but my fingers are crossed it will all be positive.  Thanks to all for a good day out, and of course chairman Rob for his good company and excellent efforts - these doofers need noting, without em' many would be bored shitless on a Saturday afternoon - think on!