VICTORIA TOO STATION-ARY

21st March 2026 - Portland Utd 3 v 0 East Cowes Victoria - Whilst darn sarf pootling abart tha' has to get in a footy fix tha' knows.  After a good week of chilling and wildlife hunting we were nearly done and the penultimate day of our trip began with a walk from the Obs Lighthouse to Easton, a fine breakfast and a mooch in the charity shops and then the lasses headed off for a walk back whilst I spent 3 hours at Church Ope looking for anything I could find (bugs, birds, blooms, retro nuddie mags or indeed evidence of multi-titted alien invaders).  A few blooms were recorded, a small variety of insects and several other bits and bobs and I even got the old belly out to soak up the charming rays.  No sightings of any ET's (Extra Tittyvals) were had although I did find a few pages of a 1970's Cross-eyed Razzle Special.  Alas all the pictures were blurred and were made for people with off-centre peepers - I had a brief rock-pooling session in disgust.

The lasses duly picked me up at 2pm and we headed to the ground, one we had visited twice before and on both occasions, enjoyed some good footballing fun.  A brew and a perch and the sun shone but a darn nip in the air was building, I was hoping a goalfest would warm the cockles and a match of battling intrigue.  What we got was chilled nethers and a game that unfolded thus:-

The first thrustings of the game came via the hosts with an initial attack finalised by the ever-willing No 9 (Greg Borthwick) who cracked off a first time shot the keeper did well to get down to and save.  A swift follow-up move was sumptuous with a fast ball in and Borthwick once more latching on but failing to find the target zone. The guests were rattled and like an anxiety riddled flutternut who was in need of a medical fix, they were failing to settle.  The game nearly produced the first goal when the visiting keeper went on a nomadic foray and the home No 11 (Patrick Jenkins) spied a chance to send in a high lob.  The ball rose, started to descend whilst the keeper back-pedalled in desperation.  A defender made good ground and put bonce to ball and made enough contact to send the sphere onto the crossbar before being cleared - that was a real close shave. 

A more settled period ensued, a time when East Cowes could try and gain a foothold.  Alas for the guests they were lucky to survive a scare that came their way when a ball sent forth bounced off the top of he bar.  The home No 10 (Remus Nixon) was next to chance the shank but the ball was sent wide.  East Cowes hung on and their industrious No 7 (Charlie Hart) had a chance to scuttle about and win a free-kick.  The delivery of the standing ball was bilge and Portland pounced with a liquid move that Nixon sweetly dummied thus allowing No 4 (Jack Delves) to collect, touch and fire disappointingly over the horizontal.  From this low-grade strike East Cowes surprisingly broke and No 11 (Caleb Neale) found himself away and with the keeper to beat.  A shock strike was on the cards and a real pattern shifting moment ready to unfold.  The shot was low and on target but the mitters carcass was sprawled and in the way and from the corner we could only witness a dire attempt at a delivery.

Time progressed, beyond the point where we had a chance of winning the golden goal prize (who needs new underpants anyway).  No 2 (Jacob Coombs) for Portland went on a run, a low shot was blocked, Delves followed up but it was all too easy for the No 1 (George Bridi) who was having a decent game.  Portland continued to press, from a corner a sweet header was saved and then No 8 (Josh Williams) made cranial contact but again the gloved one collected.

Thermal temperatures rose on the pitch, we onlookers were beginning to feel the nip of a spiteful wafting.  Borthwick for the hosts was a constant menace, the visiting No 2 (Rafferty Boyd-Kerr) worked up a lather and in the midst of minor antics a booking was given.  No 7 (Ben Morris) for the hosts was an impressive player so far but an attempt on goal was far from eye-catching.  As the half trickled away Portland rallied, a ball was sent into the box, the keeper was down but the ball went loose and up popped Borthwick and bagged a scrappy but all important goal.

The end of the half came with East Cowes having a strong flourish but failing to make any serious inroads.  It looked as though matters were to stay as they were when Portland produced a swift and fluent move with Delves providing an excellent cross that was cooly driven home by Jenkins.  A fully deserved goal and a fully deserved lead.

The break, we were chilled and my good lady went for the brews.  I nattered with my daughter before the missus returned and we pondered our break and going to the chippy for tea.  I am still on a diet but whilst mooching darn sarf a treat or two is a must - and I was clemmed.

With rumbling tum and tootsies griping, the second period began. Morris put in an early teaser for the resident pack and wasn't too far off the mark.  In truth, the initial throes were lacking in high end action with Portland eventually winning a  corner, seeing the ball punched away and soon after a penalty shout waved away.  Portland continued to press, corners, free-kicks and a few shots all bore no further glory but East Cowes were reeling and a knockout blow looked to be on the cards.

The bests the guests could offer was a corner kick that was neatly taken only to be dealt with by a well-regimented back-line.  A handball shout came, the visitors were getting desperate but the sable-clad man was having none of it.  Portland dug in, another angled hoofing saw the ball go in and out and then No 6 (Jamie Cleaver) fire over.  Nixon had a pop a few minutes later but due to an imbalance of the carcass the globe was sent wide.  No 2 (Jacob Coombs) put in a better effort, the mesh protector stood firm, saved, dropped but grabbed at the second.  

As time dwindled away Nixon finalised a deep probing but yet again, the stickman was solid.  Cowes continued to scamper and hamper and made some territorial progress before losing the ball and seeing Portland break with Nixon at the end of matters and bagging the final punctuating strike.  The job was done and dusted, a few minor pops came and went, a couple of subs made and that was indeed that.  The chip shop beckoned as well as the nearby bogs that a certain part of my anatomy demanded I visit.   Whilst strolling to the latrines I pondered the Man of the Match and reckoned No 16 (Jamie Symes) of Portland Utd was a no-nonsense rock-solid component who gave no breathing space or real glimpse of glory for the opposing force.  The nut was on most aerial balls, the game played simply but effectively and it was a big stint that made sure the scoresheet remained unblemished.

With winkle watered, we headed to the local retailer of fine fodder and met up with some good friends.  What a good day all round and the chippy was an outstanding success too!

FINAL THOUGHTS- A good day out at a club we have visited 3 times now.  The ground has a good feel, the whole set up is a joy and the fact we were perched up on high, with nice views and the sun in the sky all helped today.  A bit of undersoil heating would have been a bonus but there ya go, a pasty down the underpants will have to suffice next time - ooh sex gravy!  I thought Portland controlled this game against an East Cowes Victoria side who looked to be set up all wrong and with no attacking presence and no real movement into space when in possession and when off the ball.  Maybe it was an off day for the guests but the scoreline could have been far worse although if that early chance would have been bagged would the outcome have been any different?  

A GAME OF MINOR DIFFERENCES

28th February 2026 - Charnock Richard FC 1 v 2 Prestwich Heys - Another busy week in a world falling apart.  Whilst great cracks appear, people still toss off online, display great swathes of hate and showcase their inner shittery and disgruntlement. Myself and my lasses crack on, we try and put back and remain doing what we do in a considered manner - it ain't fuckin' easy I can tell ya.  

Today the young un' was helping clean up the nursery where she works, well she is one of the leaders so must set a good example. The missus and I headed out with Plan A scratched, Plan B, abandoned, Plan C down the pipe and Plan D adopted.  The cause of the diversions was the weather with forecasts shite, pure shite and double shite in several areas we were aiming for.  Astley Park was the first destination, a place we had never visited and one which looked half decent.  We arrived, had a niggling in the tums and so headed to the cafe and... indulged. A good breakfast and a brew and then some walking with fungi, birds, the odd bloom and a few lichens noted.  A new fungus was found too - Ceriporia excelsa, what a bonus.

From here we had a potter around some shops, had a fine brew to avoid a downpour and considered a few purchases but only ended up with some quite appealing candlesticks.  Time ticked on, not a bad day at all.

And to the ground. A park up, a walk around the cricket pitch and into the ground proper.  We shared a tray of chips, had a brew each and found a couple of fine perches.  Predictions were made and then we awaited the teams, ooh I was hoping my goal healthy season's average would be maintained.

From the embryonic gambits of the game some slick passing gave the guests the first hoofing from the angle. The delivery was tidy, the defensive header that came was effective but led to another corner. Another posting, a flick on and a handball shout.  The referee was in no doubt and awarded a penalty.  No 11 (Takura Sambizi) stepped up, paused, picked his spot and blessed the onlookers with the first goal of the game.

The Heys Brigade continued to push and make most of the running as the hosts struggled to settle.  The home team did win a free-kick which was played short, dinked in with No 7 (Ethan Eccleston) crossing only to find no takers waiting.  The home lads built again soon after with a back to front move that was finalised by a shot over the bar.  It looked as though an equaliser was on the cards but The Heys advanced and a couple of balls into the box followed. Time temporarily froze as the globe went loose and No 7 (Bryson Appleton) poked home.

The resident crew now had a tough task ahead and after a minor sortie forth they could easily have been 3 down when a quick move saw a cross find the crust of No 9 (Louis Holt) whose free header dropped inches wide.  This was a very good game and a home goal was now getting more than crucial but the visitors were looking the most likely to bag a third with several smooth moves only just snuffed out at the last by what could be only describe as desperate tackles.  

Eventually matters became more balanced with the only real attempt on goal coming via Sambizi for The Heys who had a sugar sweet pop just fly the wrong side of the upright.  The half fizzled away and Charnock began to make a little more headway and looked on the brink of making a real impression.  Suddenly a back pass was made by the leading team, the home No 9 (Jordan Darr) accepted an unexpected gift, kept his cranial conkers intact and stroked the ball home.  What a bonus indeed and duly throwing the game up in the air.  With seconds from the restart Charnock looked to strike once more with a free-kick taken by No 8 (James Nolan) who sent in a real dandelion decapitator only to see the keeper right behind the ball.  Things were suddenly looking a whole lot brighter for the CR fans and players.

The last phases of the first period saw the guests have a couple of pops and then Charnock Richard indulge in a quick break with a turn, a touch and Nolan looking to bury but somehow managing to find the outside of the target zone.  A few more pushes came, no further thrills or skills were exposed although CR's Eccleston should have at least hit the strike zone but blazed over. Things were all to play for.

We stayed put for the break, idling away, watching the world roll by and nattering.  This had been a good game so far, my 50^th of the season in fact, it is better than supporting the money-soaked big teams methinks and when combined with a walk and a few cafe visits, tis always a good day out.

Half two - Prestwich Heys played an early possession game when a Charnock long ball saw the opposing mittman and defender get in a muddle and nearly a allow a poacher to nip in and regain parity - the chance was not taken however and it was Prestwich Heys who had the first two cracks at goal with No 6 (Joshua Tinker) way off target and No 4 (James Badrock) linking up with No 8 (Robert Worrall) who turned at pace and sent forth a shot with too much uplift.

From here the guests continued to take their time with one attack seeing a finalising header strike the upright. Charnock responded with a slick move that brought no joy and then Appleton for The Heys was at the end of a Holt pass and had the chance to seal the game but fired wide.  In return Eccleston for the home crew pilfered, raced away and set his sights only to fire straight at the keeper.

Charnock began a good industrious period of pressure, a bout of eager football that produced several shots and forced the guest No 1 (Kyle Haslam) to produce several quality saves.  A free-kick for Prestwich was a poor decision and thankfully for the trailing team the shot from Worrall went shy of the netting.

Into the end stages we went, Prestwich had a break with a corner won. The ball was played in, No 14 (Shay Stansfield) had a header cleared off the line with a break leading to bugger all.  Prior to the final peeps Charnock had a rapier attack, a shot came and in all the excitement I couldn't tell if it was saved or pinged off the post.  Either way, the outcome was a corner with Prestwich Heys surviving and, as it turned out, seeing out the game and bagging the full 3 points.

In fairness a draw would have been a just result but Prestwich Heys put in a good stint and the Man of the Match for me goes to the No 4 (James Badrock) who read the game well, was always on hand to clear up any dangers and played with a sanguine style that kept things fairly steady at the back.

We had enjoyed this return visit to a club we were last at in the 2016/2017 season.  By crikey we best not leave it this long again.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Well, there is little to add here only that these two teams were similar in many ways, are both mid-table and have had a season with some good wins and poor losses.  This North West Counties Premier League is a very tough affair and with some teams chucking money about and some running on a restrictive budget it is a real slog to make any progress.  I think both units have enough to keep on competing at this level but to push on they may be not far off the mark but investment is needed and, of course, a bit of good fortune.  I really enjoyed todays visit and like the set up here.  The season just now needs to be seen out and next year minor adjustments and a few extra players are needed and each club can hopefully make adequate improvements. I am looking for a club to make my most watched next year, could one of these be in the mix, we shall see.  In the meantime, good luck to all and here's to a flourishing finish.