GREY DAY AT ABBEY HEY

27th August 2016 - Abbey Hey 0 v 2 Runcorn Town  - Upon arrival at the ground of Abbey Hey the weather turned ghastly and the grey clouds chucked down more water than we actually bloody well needed.  I wanted to stay outdoors but was forced into the clubhouse where I enjoyed a welcome cup of tea - God bless old Mother Cha'.  Heading outside I watched the warm-up, took note of the decent playing surface and awaited the two teams, who on paper at at least, looked to be well matched.  

The first half developed into a balanced affair with the major difference being Runcorn Town's better organisation, more incisive end product and overall controlled regime.  Two major attacks led to two goals for the away side and despite one or two home side players moaning and groaning the result by the 45 minute mark was a true reflection of the game.  Abbey Hey worked with industry, from defence to midfield mainly held their own but in the final third produced nothing of note.  At half time I discussed matters with a local head, a man whose son was playing for the Hey and who, in truth, was their best player throughout.  The chap also gave me an insight into the Harris Hawk he had on his arm and how it was getting ready for the hunting season - Pheasant and Hares watch out!

The second 45 saw things start as they left off with Abbey Hey battling hard but just coming up short against a well-drilled unit.  Runcorn's No 10 (Craig Cairns) ran amok and brought 2 fouls from a defender who was removed from the game which left things open for a full on onslaught.  An onslaught of sorts did come but it was the 10 man home team who produced it and looked more menacing in the closing period than they had throughout the game.  It is always remarkable how when teams with a man less seem to get the upper hand in a match.  Alas on this occasion the pressing tactics were to no avail and Runcorn Town took all three points and looked a very efficient and sturdy side. The epitome of these traits was Runcorn's No 4, (Danny Jarrett), Man of the Match for sure with a performance that was waterproof and without fuss.  A lesson in how to play simple but effectively - nice work sir!

FINAL THOUGHT - Abbey Hey are best likened to an intestine.  All moves along nicely with a little hard work but when it comes to the final push to produce something solid an unexpected attack of constipation occurs.  Take a relaxing laxative, stay calm and squeeze with focus is my prescribed solution.  Runcorn on the other hand just need to keep using their concentrated fibre and a good pile of steaming victories will mount up.

NERVE TABLETS PLEASE

24th August 2016 - Cheadle Town 5 v 4 Chadderton Town - If Park Road was a curry house and had a reputation for its hot and spicy dishes then what was served up tonight was a real old arse searing treat of a most thermally unpredictable nature that several pairs of underpants were most definitely needed.  The initial oven was set to temperature average as the game opened and Cheadle took a 1 - 0 lead with a fair move down the right hand side.  A few controversial decisions by the ref and voices were raised, yellow cards flashed and the heat duly rose.  Goals came, one way and the other, and me and my good mate Ged Murphy looked on at what was developing into a top notch sizzler, loaded with error and somewhat overly flustered play.  Amidst the mayhem a few sweet passes and good touches came and resulted in addition to the rising score line.  

Half time and tea and chocolate were swallowed and the second half pondered - what would it bring?  Blood, guts, death!  Who in all honesty could know?  In truth it started untidily but as errors and dubious passages of play came the interest levels rose and I am sure everyone in attendance had that 'wtf' feeling running through their head as mania reigned supreme.  It was a non-stop end-to-end explosion and as things transpired what we ended up with was a startling 5 - 4 home win for Cheadle.  

If I am brutally honest though anyone could have won it, no one deserved it and if the teams don't learn to settle down during matches they will make things far more difficult for themselves than they should be.  A cracking night though and controversially I am giving Man of the Match to the Cheadle goalie (Ben Jupp) who, despite letting in 4 goals, produced a few good saves to keep the lads in it.  By heck, where's me tranquillisers!

FINAL THOUGHT - The one eyed trouser snake of Long Dong Silver may have seen less action than this match and the exposure of Rolf Harris may have been easier to predict - what a night!

ROBBERY OR PERSEVERANCE

23rd August 2016 - Charnock Richard 2 v 2 Carlisle City  -  A lovely evening and a drive out with my good lady to the tucked away ground of Mossie Park.  Only £4 on the gate was noted as a real bargain and first impressions of the ground and pitch were all positive.  2 new teams to the Hallmark Security League so who knew what to expect?  After a good cup of tea and a browse through the programme we watched the first half that saw Charnock Richard play some good football and maintain a notable ascendency.  Several players were putting in good turns but the two No 10's looked menacing with both bagging a goal before the interval.  The Carlisle goal was particularly tasty and was drilled in with hawk-eye accuracy.  

In the second half Charnock deservedly went 2-1 ahead and looked to have their opponents tamed but, a resolute, ‘never-say-die’ effort saw the 11 men of Carlisle adopt a smash and grab effort and pinch a unexpected equaliser.  The game became frenetic and a gambling man would have still placed a wager on the home team winning all three points.  Imagine how much his heartbeat would have increased when Carlisle hit the post in the dying minutes.  Not a bad do overall and for me, the Charnock Richard No 2 (Anthony Hough) deserved a nod for Man of the Match due to some bullish work, surging runs and all round tricky hoof work.

FINAL THOUGHT - I presume as the old comedian Arthur Mullard hit his later years and looked at himself naked in the mirror he must have felt rather...defeated.  But as his Top of the Pops appearance  with Hilda Baker proved whilst bashing out the Grease song 'You're The One That I Want'- one should never give in - are you hearing me Carlisle City.

OUT AND ABOUT

20th August 2016 - New Mills 6 v 1 Barnton FC  -  The train from Stockport to New Mills was straightforward and after 20 minutes I found myself with 1 hour and 40 minutes to spare before kick-off time.  A trip to a bookshop was needed and after locating the seller of the word I had a chat with the lass working there about mushroom picking and the buggers that take too much.  I picked up an Alfred Hitchcock book as well after noting it was loaded with tales from an assortment of writers whom I recognised.  I likes a good chiller!  To the ground via a wrong turn and some shite weather and I immediately purchased a cup of cha and a parked my rather damp rear end (perspiration and rain water - what a horrible combo).  A chat with the dad of a player was enjoyed and I looked forward to a game on what seemed to be a very well maintained playing surface - almost as smooth as Duncan Goodhew's scrotum (so I believe).  

The game unfolded in torrential rain whereupon a Speckled Wood Butterfly took shelter besides me and some silky (or perhaps sodden) moves saw New Mills ease to a 3 - 0 lead and leave Barnton looking rather forlorn and may I vulgarly add, pissed off.  Before half time they were 4 up and that wasn't doing them justice - total dominance and taking charge of all departments.  Mind you, Barnton were shabby and looked totally out of sync - surely not the side I saw last year in the play-offs, if so it seems the summer months have induced some kind of in-house imbalance and got these players operating on many opposing levels - worrying to say the least.  

The second half was more balanced with Mills taking it by 2 goals to 1 and finishing the stronger.  It was good to see the away side get some kind of footing and with a bit more luck, the death of two New Mills players and a mental breakdown of the referee I reckon things could have been closer.  It wasn't the result I expected and the home side look to have a good season ahead, especially if they have a little more belief in attacking the defenders when on a one on one situation.  Man of the Match for me was the No 7 (Ryan Hibbert) for New Mills, whom, even though fading and getting substituted, provided some classy moves and runs throughout!

FINAL THOUGHT - I came, I expected, I was bamboozled.  Just like David Attenborough on witnessing the mating ritual of the Timbuktoo pygmy - an unexpected shock indeed!

I DO LIKE MONDAYS

15th August 2016 - Maine Road 1 v 2 Hanley Town - Monday night football is something I like.  It never clashes with anything and starts the week off on a positive note.  Luckily for me it is the night Maine Road play some of their matches and I always enjoy a potter down to this tucked away ground in Chorlton.  Tonight I arrived early, watched the warm-up and read a bit of my recently acquired book on Beachcombing - all good stuff.  The match kicked off and in truth Maine Road were the dominant force for the first 45 minutes with their 1 - 0 lead not truly reflecting their efforts.  The team are an industrious crew who have some tidy players in theri midst with the No 2 (Joel Senior) at the back playing a stormer and continuing to do so in the second half.  But, as these things go in non-league football, the tide turned and suddenly, despite the general flow, Hanley were 2 - 1 ahead and making the home side work hard at getting back on level terms.  

It wasn't to be Maine Road's night and despite a last blast salvo and some good fluid movement Hanley stayed on top and kept the home side down to one goal.  One hindrance to the Roads desire to get back on an equal footing was the stand-out player of the night, Hanley's No 5 (Josh Thorpe) who put in a flawless performance and read every play just about perfectly.  I came away from the game wondering how Maine Road managed to lose, seeing is all not what it appears to be.

FINAL THOUGHT - One of those nights like the hair of Bruce Forsyth - all is not as it appears!  You get the feeling of one thing and yet it is something else after all!

AND ON WE GO

13th August 2016 - Cheadle Town 3 v 3 St Helens Town - On me lonesome today (must be the deodorant I am using) and another local jaunt to watch two teams who, on paper, looked to be well balanced.  The sun was out and the atmosphere pleasant and I wondered if my prediction of 2 -2 would ring true.  Well, judging from the first half performance I can honestly say that my attempt at prophecy was far fetched indeed as St Helens took the game by the scruff of the neck and built up a 3-0 lead against a woeful Cheadle side who lacked any ideas and any cohesion whatsoever.  

The second half continued in the same vein and with 10 minutes to go even local fans were stating how dreadful the home team were.  Did any of us foresee the final extra time madness?  You are a bloody liar if you say you did!  Not one goal for Cheadle, not two - but 3 stoppage time efforts saw this game thrown on its head much to the delight of the home side and the utter disgust of the away lads.  A great rescue, a great disaster, an utter fluke that football throws up now and again?  Take your pick but it is funny how glum faces can soon turn to smiles at the kick of a ball.  Isn't this why we love the game - unpredictable, absolutely stupid at times and, when least expected, always liable to throw in a twist.  If I was pushed for a man of the match I'd opt for the St Helens number 10 (George Lomax)  who was substituted in the second half.  He was a constant menace and worked his knackers off - maybe an influential release missed at the end - who the hell knows?

FINAL THOUGHT - Surely Dick Turpin had never pulled off a robbery such as this?  Surely Harry Houdini had never escaped from such a dire situation?  And surely the closing credits of a Benny Hill Show had less action?  Worth a thought don't ya think!

A NEW DAY, A NEW DAWN

10th August 2016 - Cheadle Town 0 v 3 Litherland Remyca - The season is upon us and after a busy summer period chasing wildlife, watching bands and going through the usual routine of life (plus a recent 11 day stay in a lighthouse) it was with high anticipation I attended my first match of the 2016/17 season.  My music loving comrade Ged Murphy joined me in the dreary, drizzly conditions and we witnessed a match that turned into something of a surprising result to say the least.  Cheadle Town were poor, as poor as Albert Steptoe on his honeymoon night after 15 bottles of milk stout, and, in the main, lacked for any cutting ideas and attacking flair throughout the 90 minute escapade.  Litherland Remyca on the other arthritic hand offered more movement off the ball, played some neat passes and had a couple of defenders who did the business time and time again.  

The work rate from both teams was commendable, as busy as a small swarm of bees on heat,  but Litherland had the edge throughout and at the end of the day hit the honeypot 3 times without reply.  The second goal of the night was a long range pearler and floated into the top corner in almost slow motion action.  The toe hit the leather, the spherical object soared, it took an age to hit home but when the net rippled it brought a real appreciative cheer from all supporters.  Perhaps one of the best goals I will see all season, now that is saying something.  My personal Man of the Match was the Litherland Goalkeeper (Lee Carroll) who did what he had to do when required with the reflex save from the overhead kick a genuine game saver.

FINAL THOUGHT - If Cheadle Town are to be likened to the seductive todge of Cassanova (why not indeed) then tonight the chance to score was missed and some serious pre-match Viagra needs to be taken before the next outing!