END OF SEASON ROUND UP

 2021/2022 SEASON ROUND UP

Matches attended

89

Goals witnessed

373

Average goals per game

4.19

Highest scoring game

Denton Town Res 5 v 5 Middlewich Town Res

Ten most seen teams

Cheadle Heath Nomads 19

Denton Town 13

Cheadle Town 8

AFC Liverpool 6

Maine Road FC 6

Wythenshawe Amateurs 6

Maine Road Res 5

New Mills 4

Avro FC 4

Cheadle Heath Nomads Res 4

Raffles won

Fuck all (again).

Match Reports Done - 26

End of season round-up

At the end of another solid season time to reflect is upon us and I must say, it has been another pleasure.  The new approach of doing fewer reports has allowed me to pick and choose my scribbling moments and switch off and enjoy when the mood takes me - this has been a good move.  Over the campaign I have tried to spread my support and will hopefully do so to a greater extent next season although one or two local clubs will get more than their fair share of my time. In the midst of matters work has continued on the Nature Projects at Cheadle Heath Nomads and Denton Town with slow headway made - in a world on the cusp, every little helps.

Highlights of the year are too numerous to mention but Denton Town have provided many moments of capricious unpredictability and footballing excitement to keep my nerves well and truly jangled and their welcoming and friendly group of folk running the club (well attempting to anyway) have been exemplary.  Of course Cheadle Heath Nomads have been a club that have been also acceptant of this Fungal git and his humble support and nature loving ways - it is sincerely appreciated.

The folk I meet on my roamings are valued, be they players, staff or punters - it all adds to the rich tapestry of this Non-league world and gives it tangible, vibrant colour and a true feeling of being as one. Here's to many more wags of the jaw and good friends made.

I have visited some fine grounds, with trips to Gorleston FC, Cockermouth FC, Stafford Town, Hindsford AFC, Blacon Youth a few of the new ones and Maine Road, Wythenshawe Amateurs and AFC Liverpool a few of the long standing favourites.  Congleton FC still serve the best chips in the NWCL although the crinkled gems served up at Burscough are a close second.  Parklands FC are winners of the chip award in the Cheshire League, although Denton's Minced Beef and Onion Pies are ruddy superb.

I have witnessed 5 penalty shoot-outs during the season, many last minute winners, some teams fly high and some having a rough old time of it but sticking to their guns.  St Martins are a pure example of 'never say die' spirit and for me, sum up many great aspects of this hoofing world.  Turning out, getting whipped, dusting down and doing the same again has some charm and I hope, for their dedication and commitment, they get due reward in the near future.

I sign off here thanking all for sharing time, having a natter and providing good company.  STP Stu is my fine mate and always solid company on the touchline and no doubt he is looking forward to more brews, choccy bars and more banter next season - bring it on.  Finally my good lady must always gets extra hugs and kisses for her support, driving me here and there and being a good mate who joins me at the odd match - I am sure she is considering getting a Denton Town tattoo - ooh heck.

Anyway big thanks to all who have provided a much needed distraction from the idiocy of the world in general, those who have played things fair and enjoyed being involved - keep it going you buggers and remember - fuck the cash cows, fuck the corporate business bollocks and fuck those neglectful of something rather special - Up the Non-League Doofers forever.

FREE RANGE FOOTY

3rd May 2022 - Whalley Range 4 v 0 Wythenshawe Amateur Reserves - The final throes of the latest campaign are upon us with only a couple of viewing chances left before a full on immersion is taken into noise and nature. It has been an entertaining season and the two teams on show tonight had been viewed a couple of times each during the lengthy campaign.  Upon arrival I had a good chat with a few faces, acquired a brew and then found a quiet spot at the opposite side of the ground with STP Stu.  Good jaw wagging, decent weather and a great way to spend a midweek evening. It looked as though Whalley Range would romp away with this one, come the end of matters it seemed this was just the case. 

A settled start was soon upset with a marauding run forth by the home team's No 8 (Cedric Obama) who was unceremoniously tumbled for his troubles.  The free-kick was like a fruit-machine in Niggardly Norman's Golden Mile Arcade and produced sour bugger all - ooh me cherries.  A new surge soon followed, No 11 (Emmanuel Amole) hugged the wing, put in a low cross that brought about a neat dummy and a shot by No 10 (Tim Kinsella) that was all too tame.  Within seconds Obama was arse over tit once more and a free-kick was awarded.  No 4 (Jack Timmons) chose to have a pop with the bonus ball, but the shot was wide of the mark. This was looking like a long night ahead for the young Wythy lads.

The Whalley waves kept on crashing on the shores of a windswept Wythy Bank with the next dash and splash coming via a corner that was nutted back allowing No 6 (Jacob Wood) to head on target close in.  Like a rubber man on a jumping bean diet the keeper leapt, made a choice tip over and kept the onion bag from further molestation.  The corner that followed was... ahem... crap.

The pressure rose on the Wythy goal, No 9 (Daniel Heffernan) had a shot well saved and Wood put another header over the bar.  The one way traffic was temporarily halted by a rare advance for the guests with No 2 (Stelio Da Skida) battling like a bulldog with an annoying nob wasp niggling the old oriental eye.  Alas the bonus boot was hit straight at the keeper which led to a breakaway for the hosts.  The move was swift and cutting, Obama was the final component but after a comfortable chest down could only recklessly twat the ball and fracture the murky Heavens.

More shots came the same way with no success until another rapier move saw the ball go out wide and get instantly delivered with pace and accuracy.  Obama was in the right place at the right time and scored with what looked like his knee. A punt with the patella, the goal had been coming.

The unstoppable Rangers came forth over and over again, the nearest they came to doubling their lead was when Kinsella darted, fed Heffernan who shot on goal close in but was denied success by a top class save. Kinsella had his own pop on target next but the keeper was in the way once more.  Wythenshawe had their own attempt on goal that was closer to the local mosque rather than the onion bag and then Kinsella and Amole linked up at the other end with the latter only denied by a very alert stickman.

Another goal for the hosts looked very much on the cards and when No 7 (Walter Chiororo) let fly many onlookers thought the lead had been doubled only to see the ball hit the underside of the bar.  The ball was gathered outside the box by a determined No 5 (Dylan Smith) who stampeded through a mush of bodies and was unlucky to just run out of space.  

Wythenshawe looked destined to go into the interval only 1 goal to the bad but the Range's Amole had other ideas and pilfered the ball in midfield, played a gorgeous pass over the top that Kinsella pounced on and duly sent into the meshing.  It was a body blow for the mauled and mangled guests but they managed to keep the scoreline as it was (due to a few more saves and some poor finishing) and went into the interval with their manager still showering his squad with admirable positivity.

We had a brew at the break and I partook of some chips.  The serving hatch was billowing mists like an overcrowded opium den and when I looked inside I expected to see a couple of prostrate Chinese blokes away with the mystical fairies - by heck what an environment. Despite the cooking situation the chips and tea went down like ambrosia and nectar - the food of the Gods.

Back in position for period two and the Whalley Range machine rolled on.  Chiororo came close with a run and rattle but only the inside of the post was left trembling instead of the keeper's nervous system.  Wythenshawe continued to work away and to give credit where credit is due, I must say they did well to snaffle a short period of possession.  The ownership of the ball was all to no avail though as Chiororo came on again, had one look and fired home to bring the shutters down on the final result.  A chance to add a fourth came seconds later but the mittman, yet again, did the business on a night when he deserved much better than a 3 goal deficit.

Obama and Amole coupled up next (sexy buggers) with the latter player shooting (cripes) and the gloved one keeping his own area unpenetrated (ooh the promiscuity of some of these players).  The Range looked to add further offspring to their family of goals with Chiororo and Kinsella pairing up and being denied the birth of another net-bulging babby by the stubbornly reliable human contraceptive.  

Another block by the travelling No 1 (Sam Goodwin), a penalty shout at the other end (that looked a good call) and No 6 (Daniel Ahens) for The Ammies with an effort that was close enough to tingle the todger of hope made sure this game was non-stop action down to the wire. A few offside decisions scuppered any further invasions of the netting until a Whalley Range dash was halted by a crude tackle in the box and a penalty was given that was firmly fired home by Heffernan.  4 - 0 and after a few more attempts at goal, the referee saved the pummelled opposition from a further mauling on the ropes and called time on a good night's work for the home squad.  Despite a good team performance for Whalley Range the Man of the Match choice goes to Wythenshawe Amateurs' No 1 (Sam Goodwin) who really caught the eye with a string of magical saves, a good awareness under pressure and an obvious talent to take things to the next level - here's hoping and good on ya fella.

I was home for 9pm after the game, tucked up for 9.15pm with my good lady and reading a couple of footy magazines I picked up called 'Where's The Bar' - all good stuff.

FINAL THOUGHT - This was the 87th game of the season that I had viewed tonight and I am looking forward to a break. The match was thoroughly enjoyed though and after a few weeks away from the touchline I am sure I will be foaming to get back in the mix.  Wythenshawe Amateurs Reserves are laden with good prospects and have a solid foundation from which the first team can prosper.  Tonight they showed discipline and a sound temperament whilst coming up against many more experienced players and a team well drilled and looking to move on. Whalley Range will be moving up a level next season and a new challenge awaits.  On recent evidence they look set to make a few waves and really put in a good fight although they need to be more clinical in front of goal and not waste as many chances.  I hope to be back here on several occasions and may scribble another report - one has gotta keep doofing.

THE MIGHTY ATOMS

2nd May 2022 - Daten FC 2 v 1 Whaley Bridge - Yesterday me and the missus went to Stafford to look for mosses and micro-fungi, it was a good do but my feet ended up sodden.  Today we had a walk at Westy Park and part of Woolston Eyes - many birds and blooms were seen along with a few bugs, once more my feet were soaked.  Squelching along and after a short drive we ended up at Daten FC's home ground and indulged in a fine cuppa and some lovely chips in the local bar.  My toes were wrinkling as I chomped and come the end of the day they looked like a row of dead man's dicks after getting up to no good at the local homosexual swimming arena.  Despite this scenario the visit to one of our favoured grounds was worth it and whilst stood on my reeking tootsies I defied the threat of Trench Foot and cobbled together a report.  As matters transpired, like the original Mighty Atom (Joseph Greenstein) the home team showed good strength to duly break the will of their opponents (well it beats bending steel bars over your nob).

The opening burst came immediately with Whaley's No 8 (Liam Sircar) in meagre space with a chance to shoot.  The player crossed instead and the chance disappeared into the murky ether.  The guests pressed on, a corner was similar to a drugged up Ronnie Corbett (short and wasted) and a positive surge by No 19 (Jake Miller) dissected the pack with the end shot flying over.  Daten had the next attack with No 3 (Brad Stokes) exposing neat feet, No 7 (Cameron Jupp) putting in a choice pass but the ball only going behind for a corner.  The angled kick came, numerous shots ensued and were blocked with a final nut on from No 14 (Joe Barker) going over the crossbar.

From some well balanced play a cross from Daten forced the keeper to palm away and then the Bridge charged down the other end with a shot from No 6 (James Gemmel) just whistling past the wrong side of the vertical.  Daten were unflustered and when in possession were continuing to pass well and maintain a certain threat.  The closest we came to a goal though was when the Bridge's No 11 (Ben Bagshaw) looked to be in but was denied on the line.  The follow-up from Miller was wild and nearly killed a poor old lady who was walking her three legged Jack Russell three streets away.  

This was still an intriguing encounter, a very difficult game to call despite the difference in league positions.  The Bridgers had a free-kick next, No 10 (Daniel Gilbride) posted a beauty with a bunch of heads rising and a modicum of paint being removed from the far upright.  Chances followed at both ends, the defences stood firm and all potential gaps and weak spots were plugged (a shame Liberace didn't do the same).

From here The Atoms put in a good period of pressure with some swift play, several attempts on goal and a good lather had.  Sadly, as the half wound down, no breakthrough could be had with Whaley Bridge still liable to pinch a strike.  In fact, soon after, Miller for the visitors sent forth a rasper that the home No 1 (Josh McMutrie) did well to parry behind.  A corner followed, the ball went long, No 7 (Bill Sutton) looked to collect with his back to goal and was crudely pushed and grounded, the penalty awarded though did look a bit harsh.  Sutton dusted himself down, placed the ball on the spot and when the whistle blew duly stroked home with brow cool ease, 0 - 1 - the emphasis was now on Daten to get back in this.

Before the break a Whaley Bridge move was fast and direct with Bagshaw the apical component but only blasting over and taking his side into the interval only one goal to the good, that miss could be costly.

A break, a queue for a cuppa, by heck the young lasses were earning their dosh behind the bar.  We acquired our hot drinks and scarpered which was just as well as we just made it back on the touchline for half two.

The second period began, Daten kicked off and flew forth with untamed desire.  No 2 (Jason Sherwin) burst a bollock and released a cross that a defending shank could only nudge on into the path of Barker who stroked home with praiseworthy control - now then, game on once more. The hosts now worked with industry and maintained a stranglehold whilst the guests coughed and spluttered.  Sherwin dashed once more, a shot came, the top of the net was found, another attack soon followed, from back to front the ball flew, it was with great disappointment the end result wasn't a crack on goal.

Barker was released next, the guest keeper earned his daily crust but the ball squirmed loose like a testicle from a  pair of untrustworthy undercrackers, No 11 (Sam Oyini) was in the right place at the right time, 2 - 1 - turn around complete.  Soon after No 15 (Richard Hansley) who had just entered the fray had a surge and shot - the keeper was on it like a pawnbroker on a gold nipple ring.

25 minutes left, The Whaley brigade were hanging in and started to call upon a new lease of life.  No 5 (Josh Bailey) was neatly released, No 18 (Ed Diamond) received and crossed with pace, the mittman however read the situation and grabbed the ball from the air with seemingly velcro covered hands.  At the other end Oyini was out of the traps and had a dig that shaved the post - this was a very decent game indeed.

More shots came, both teams became impermeable.  Oyini for Daten made a golden run, put in a quality ball with No 16's (Ross Ward) header gathered.  2 shots came the other way, both were tame and with little time left Whaley needed to do better.  

The closing stages, the Atomic squad burst forth, No 13 (Tom Middleham) was at the pointed end of the attacking prong with one touch taken, a fine shot had and a strong save stopping another net swelling moment.  A corner followed. Hansley put in a header - it was alas, the width of an eel's willy shy of the upright.  One more rapier move came for the hosts and ended in disappointment before a spell of lunge and plunge defending was needed as the travelling team tried to get a share of the spoils.  With several minutes of added time done the referee halted proceedings and Daten had bagged a very good win.  Man of the Match was an easy choice with Daten FC's No 6 (Andy McWilliams) a concrete and controlled example of footballing quality.  From the off he caught the eye (maybe it was the fake tan and botox lips) and through the entire game he played with precision, assuredness and with a fine awareness.  Top drawer stuff fella, keep it going.

After the game the referee kindly allowed me to snap the teamsheets for this report and me and the missus buggered off home for a chilled night.  The feet were duly washed and wrapped in cabbage leaves after the toes and been rubbed in chicken sperm - apparently this old wives tale works wonders and the chickens lay super-sized eggs after being gently tossed off - double win.

FINAL THOUGHT - A solid day out, birds, blooms, bugs and ball booting action with tea and chips thrown in.  Daten FC is a grand place to visit and both teams today are always worthy of supporting, be it away or at home.  The guest team today seemed just off the pace and not as cohesive as they needed to be.  They have several fine players, some good desire and at times are capable of some good footballing enterprise.  I have recently seen them get stuffed 3-0 at home, next time I visit I am hoping the scoreline will go the other way.  Daten FC, on today's evidence, are far better than their league position suggests.  They displayed good strength in depth, honest desire and an ability to pass the ball so as to confound their opponents.  Next season I am hoping to make several more visits and see the team up the ante - they may be relegated this time around but an immediate bounce-back is not beyond the realms of possibility - here's to some fine Atomisation.