FUNGI, BEARS AND WULFS (OOOPS)

21st October 2023 - Congleton Town 3 v 1 AFC Wulfrunians - I am picking and choosing what match reports I do these days, my life is rammed to the rafters with many tasks and my arse is perpetually on the go.  Today, me and the missus were in Staffordshire leading a Fungi Walk.  In these days of self-serving foraging greed it is important that someone defies the flow and tries to get the wild world and its gems respect and appreciation.  The future is precarious, the concrete is spilling, the people are detached with posing, social media and worshipping Gods - bollocks to that.  Anyway, the walk went well, 65 species were named, we ended up filthy and fagged but reckoned some good football, Congo chips and a brew would do the business and get us back on the right track.  A 40 minute drive, into the ground and a purchase of the victuals and a viewing spot was chosen where we swilled and scoffed with earnest desire.  It had been a fair while since we last visited this fine ground, the home team was in the North West Counties Football League, the Covid nonsense was still twisting minds and the crowds when the team were less successful were not as they were today - ooh those ruddy success jockeys who appear out of the woodwork.  So, for the 32nd game of the season I thought a report would be apt and after the greasy fingers had reached for the pen and initial notes were made, I watched the game unfold and came up with the following textual twattery.

The first hint at any worthwhile action came when the home 'erberts won a gratis hoofing. The ball was neatly delivered but the keeper did well with his fists and punched the globe clear.  Mere tickings of the clock later and the ball came forth again and an angled kick was earned.  Another sweet delivery found a cranium at the back post, the ball entered the main mush of belfries with No 6 (Darren Chadwick) rising without any real pressure and nutting the ball home to break the early deadlock.

From here the Congo men pushed again, a corner came and went, a follow-up attack with No 7 (George Sankey) galloping forth like a man with recently pepper-dipped testicles.  The guest No 1 (Thomas Hayward) advanced, a shot came and the save was solid.  A corner ensued but the blue-clad No 3 (Rio Sawyers) put a good amount of crust on the globe and quelled any threat.

As matters progressed the visitors grew into the game.  A free-kick was earned after No 10 (Benjamin Worthington) was crudely tumbled.  The posted ball was decent but it only led to a swift counterattack.  This breakaway gave rise to a corner that the guests dealt with (just).  

A period of equilibrium came, all that was lacking was an accuracy of passing. A rare guest corner saw No 5 (Brad Maslen-Jones) punt forth, some in-box mayhem ensue and No 11 (Jack Sane) provide the final shot that was, in truth, wank.  Maslen-Jones hit a delicious ball forward next, a penalty shout came but only a corner was given.  The travelling manager was unimpressed, let the verbals flow and was duly sent off for his troubles.  After much jeering the AFCW pack tried to turn the screw.  The Congonians looked unsettled but made a break from the blue tidal wave.  The ball was lost, a counter punch came, Congleton's vulnerable areas were exposed, Worthington was away and looked set to bust the bollocks of the hosts.  The keeper was there to beat and beat he was, the game was all level, I think it was a fair state of play.

This was now a game up for grabs, the visitors were shading matters but the hosts always held good threat. A shout for a home pen came, was ignored by the man in the middle and from here a bit of tetchy spice entered the game.  Before matters came to a head, and after a few half chances, time was called for a break, perhaps it was just as well.

With 482 in attendance we decided to stay put for the interval.  With only a couple of bogs and one hatch for brews we felt that many of the punters in attendance would be queueing either for a cuppa or a splash - we were both happy to clench the bladder muscles and soak up the diluted sunshine.

Half two began with the odd minor threat, some real scrappy play and Congleton eventually getting a grip on the gonads of the game. Respite came briefly for the guests when Maslen-Jones had a pop that the keeper gathered at his near post.  From here matters settled with a lot of rolling around and disjointed play. Out of the mush a choice ball was played for Congo, No 9 (Daniel Cocks) collected, waltzed around the keeper and slotted home like a man ingrained with striker's instincts, splendid. The striker looked 'cock-a-hoop'.

The impetus of the game now lessened, the Congo Crew were the dictators of the pace and fought hard not to have their upperhand molested.  Pressure was gently instilled on the visiting defence although the away team did cultivate a break that Maslen-Jones finalised with a quick jab at goal which saw the keeper push behind.  The corner bore no further threat.

As the game looked to settle a rob and run moment saw Congo's No 11 (Daniel Needham) get vulgarly hacked down on the edge of the box by the opposing No 4 (Curtis Cocking) who was duly shown a scarlet card and told 'piss off out of it' (well not in those words exactly).   The resultant free-kick was shabby and went straight into the wall.  

More shots came each way, I had a 3-1 prediction and was hoping the hosts could bag another when with 3 minutes left a throw for the Wulfrunians was lost, an overhit pass was recovered by Needham who cut in, shot and somehow found the back of the net.  The keeper may have made a blooper here but shit happens.  Moments later the game was done - a home win, a prediction nailed, the chips nicely digested.  Man of the Match must go to Congleton Town's No 6 (Darren Chadwick) who put in a captain's stint, was a dominant force and repeatedly put his head on the ball and saved his side undue stress - a fine stint if ever I saw one.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Well, after a morn of fungi recording it was nice to unwind at an old favoured haunt and enjoy some chips and a brew and watch a decent game that was perhaps a little closer than the score line suggested. AFC Wulfrunians could have gained something from this one but losing their manager early on and then a player really kybosched their hopes and kept them in the lower half of the table with a busy period soon to come.  I don't think they should be in any danger of relegation, they have too many good players and put together some good footballing moves but, if heads remain heated and focus is lost, the fan could be clogged with crap before they know it.  Congleton Town are flying high at the mo but there is a heap of work to do.  This looks like a competitive league and during parts of this game they were on the backfoot and look to be out of sync.  The sign of a good team however is to win when their backs are against the wall and the bollocks are dangling low.  Today Congo showed that they know how to stand up and be counted, tuck in any trailing testes and get the job done.  I think that the next time I am on Fungal duties close by, we may be popping in again.

SLOPPY POPPIES DEFLOWERED

30th September 2023 - Portland United 2 v 0 Bournemouth Poppies - Nearly 300 miles on the clock, a drop off of our holiday gear at the Portland Bill Lighthouse, a few hello's to many fine and familiar faces and after a quick brew we were out and paying our way in to watch some more Non-League Footy.  This was the 28th game of the season, which isn't bad for a bloke immersed in wildlife duties, holding down a job and involved in the DIY music realms.  I was hoping for a good 90 minute spectacle as my lasses were with me - I feared a frown and a severe 'tut, tut' and hoped all would be well enough to return on the following Tuesday to watch the same team in a cup match, I do push my luck.  So after a warm welcome by the guys on the gate, brews and choccy were purchased and the seating positions chosen.  Predictions were made, the weather was clement and at 3pm the game duly commenced.

Half the first, and the opening threat came when the hosts won a free-kick high up the pitch with the breeze at their backs.  No 8 (Ryan McKechnie) put in a floater that had a trifle too much weight with No 6 (Jamie Symes) arriving but just not being able to make any contact.  A midfield contest ensued with both teams prodding and poking like perverted doctors but failing to make any crucial penetration.  The Poppies started to knock forth few questioning balls and gain some territorial advantage but the apical sharpness was lacking and the home lads easily mopped up any danger. Suddenly, the resident ranks broke, a free-kick was won, played and No 9 (Greg Borthwick) gathered in a seemingly innocuous position.  With back to goal a turn was made and a glimpse of the onion bag had.  A shot came, the ball was buried, this was a fine opener but surely the Poppies were rather akin to Liberace and somewhat slack in the rear department.

Portland now had their peckers enthused.  Another swift sortie, No 7 (Luke Sheehy) had the ball at his tootsies, cut in, put in a glided cross that was hurriedly defended behind for a corner.  This bonus kick was cleared but Portland continued to exert pressure.  No 4 (Josh Williams) put the next cross into the danger zone with the keeper gathering at the second attempt.  Again the home team came, No 11 (Ben Morris) fed No 10 (Brin Doyle) who swept a shot forth with the guest No 1 (Jakub Lewiarz) doing well to tip over the bar.  The corner was once more dealt with.

Bournemouth were on the ropes, the odd foray forth was easily snuffed out as the leading force looked to double the lead.  Morris had a pop from distance that wasn’t too far wide and then a quick multi-pass move was finalised by Doyle who boomed his shot into the air and duly let out a justified yell of utter disappointment.  Morris had another dig after being given time to turn in the box.  The shot took a slight deflection, the man between the uprights did well to tip over.  Again the corner brought no joy.

Several more corners came toward the Bournemouth zone of peril, the keeper earned his crust several times and in my opinion, went into the half time changing rooms as a real stand out player.  This was all well and good but his outfield compatriots needed to up their game to see that he wasn’t on the losing side come the 90 minute call.

We had a drink for the break, I was caffeine’d out so went for a cuppa-soup – it was awful.  All I can say is that the gnats around these parts must have awfully big bladders and the branding company who make this stuff have it all wrong. Surely Cuppa-Shite is a more honest tag – I will stick to a good old coffee in future that is for sure.  Following this date with defecation I needed a quick whizz, it came as no surprise that when I pointed the old John Thomas at the porcelain the smell was a subtle blend of mouldy peas, buggered chicken with a hint of rectal dust gravy – I failed to quell the smell and just hoped the next person to use the urinal had a strong constitution.

Back on the touchline and half the second soon began.  My lasses decided to sit behind me whilst I scribbled my notes.  Bournemouth started with a good spell of possession football which was noteworthy enough but few advances were made. After a Portland corner that was about as effective as a pair of tissue-based swimming trunks Bournemouth played a long ball laden with danger but the resident Symes put in an eye-catching block that surely saved his sides bacon.

Bournemouth were certainly having more of the ball but unlike the great Tony Hart, they were severely lacking in the creativity department.  The home team were eventually allowed to worm their way back into matters with an initial free-kick ruined by a rather silly infringement.  The leading team now started to display more urgency on the ball and produce a greater sense of promise when roaming forth.  A free-kick came, the ball went in and out with Borthwick sending forth a crisp shot that the keeper saved well (again).  The game now carried a good tempo, at 1-0 this was still up for grabs.  Once more Borthwick had a punt at the netting but again, the mitted protector was up to the task and stopped any bulging of the mesh.

10 minutes were left, Bournemouth had a minor push that resulted in a keeping fumble.  Somehow a break was the outcome, No 18 (Joseph Wickham) raced away and found himself with two defenders hot on his arse and only the keeper to beat.  The shot came and was an example of consummate coolness with the ball nestled in the net and doubling the teams lead. My pre-match prediction was now looking mighty good.

Action came at either end but the defenders stood firm with the guest keeper called into action yet again when No 5 (Shaun Bessant) for Portland had a poke at goal from a corner but was denied by some solid keeping.  From here the time ticked away, high end action fizzled and we were done.  The Man of the Match was a close call with Lewiarz for Bournemouth Poppies nearly getting the nod.  In the end I had to give the Fungalised pick to No 6 (Jamie Symes) for Portland United who was the veritable rock at the rear and got his head, legs and feet on everything and duly thwarted all the oppositions attempts at gaining a strike. 

FINAL THOUGHTS – A new ground visited, 2 new teams seen, a warm welcome and a viewing of what transpires in the Velocity Wessex Football League.  We can’t complain.  Thoughts on the teams were as follows:- Bournemouth Poppies tried to play too many long balls, they didn’t do enough off the ball and their options when marauding forward always seemed a little limited.  There is a lot of work to do with this lot but one thing is for sure, the keeper certainly needs to keep his place and keep putting in stints like today.  Portland United may start to build a good run from here, they have a few players that catch the eye, look to play some good football and are surely better than their current position suggests.  The key will be keeping players healthy and hungry and making sure they play wide and when attacking they do so with pace and as a unit.  We plan to watch this lot again soon, we are in the area so why not?  I do believe the next game is a cup match, I would like plenty of goals and to get another prediction right, and of course, to stay well clear of that darn soup – watch this space!

FOOTNOTE: We did watch Portland on the following Tuesday - they dominated Romsey Town in a cup match, played some delicious football and won 7 - 0.  I avoided any soup-based upset, my lasses enjoyed it and we got back to the lighthouse now PUFC fans - it may be a while before we return but when in the area, we will be on the touchline.