Wednesday 26 October 2016

HEY SLAY THE HUMPLESS CAMMELL

25th October 2016 - Abbey Hey 4 v 0 Cammell Laird 1907 FC  - 2 pork chops, 2 episodes of On The Buses, 2 Buzzocks songs over the loud hailer, 2 teas and 2 choccy bars - now that is a good build up to some mid-week football.  The air was calm and the temperature mild, now all we needed was a good match to enjoy.

The start was zesty with some good pace and keen runs displayed by both units who were looking to shake off any muscle tightness and get themselves straight into some kind of groove.  Early action saw Abbey Hey take a vague sort of charge and their No 9 broke, provided a tidy cross which unfortunately was not buried away as it should have been.  A long shot came close soon after and then the home team broke again, this time forcing the keeper to leave his line and make a sliding save from the foot of the striker which duly left his net gaping.  The shot by the No 8 (Ben McNamara) was rattled home with good power and the lead was had and there to be built on.  The match took a turn, the Hey brigade took charge with a far better industry and commitment shown which led to a long ball being knocked wide to the cool No 9 (Omar McKenzie) who wormed and weaved inwards, left the defenders on their back feet and after a dink and a dabble slapped home a quite delightful 2nd goal.  Despite the shift in ascendancy Cammell Laird had a shot cleared off the line and could have easily scummed a goal back.  A few innocuous challenges hindered Hey's flow but still they came forth in impressive waves and all the lads of the Laird could do was hope Lady Luck's Knickers held firm and they would get another glimpse at the goal hole.  They hung in well and they had a couple more shots that could have altered the whole dynamics of the game but the end result was too weak and failed to threaten the keeper's clean sheet.  They paid the price for this wastage not long after with the move of the match created by the home squad that saw the No 7 play a succulent ball through the heart of the floundering defence which allowed the No 11 to weave inwards and fire home for a 3 - 0 lead.  This, I felt, was a genuine body blow to Cammell Laird and put pay to any hopes they might have of getting a result tonight.

A piddle and a Kit-Kat and back on the touchline.

The second half came and initially had more equilibrium to the affair.  Cammell Laird though spent too much time griping and instead of being fully in the zone they lost concentration and gave away several corners.  Almost every decision was being bitched about which does nothing for morale thus one of the corners metamorphed into an unnecessary scramble whereupon Abbey Hey snatched a fourth and put the game well and truly to bed.  In truth Abbey Hey deserved this and even the wafting pot fumes that came our way failed to douse the player's passion for the game at hand.  In fact almost minutes later a fifth goal could have been added and a hat-trick hero had but the ball fizzed wide and we stayed as we were.  Abbey stayed in command, the No 13 substitute was an eager beaver, the No 11 maintained a supporting role and although the tide was flowing one way Cammell Laird hung in and kept the damage limited which, in its own way, must be looked at as a positive on which to build.  A couple of saucy tackles brought out the opportunists amongst the players with the ref keeping his head and only displaying yellow cards and not the begged for reds (I hate this aspect of football, the attempted swaying of the referee - not good form at all).  The final whistle was nearly upon us and one last shot should have made it a quintet of quality finishes but we had to settle for 4 and I am sure no Abbey Hey fan could complain.  Man of the Match - well in truth several players from the home team could have had this as they were a really impressive unit tonight but it would be rude, and indeed wrong, not to give it to No 11 (Jonathon Hardy).  This dude played well at the rear, in the middle of the park and at the front and he read the game with insight, supported fellow players in many areas and went about his business quietly and most effectively.  His 2 goals were well taken and to be honest he deserved another - maybe next time bro.

FINAL THOUGHT - A case of a whizzed up Great Dane against a wanked off Jack Russell tonight - something akin to a mis-match in many respects but when one examines more closely there is very little difference between the two soccer dogs.  One though is on a roll and running well whilst the other is down in the doldrums and perhaps spending too much time looking for the bone rather than going out and biting some ass.  Cammell Laird may be bottom of the heap, and if they play like this will stay there, but with a greater belief and more focus on encouraging each other they can get out of the kennel of despair and howl with pride.  Abbey Hey, on the 3 occasions I have seen them this year, have good potential, the only thing now is to get some consistency and chase down the leaders of the pack.  

Monday 24 October 2016

GRAFT OVER GRACE

22nd October 2016 - Cheadle Town 2 v 0 Prestwich Heys  - After leading a fungus walk at Crompton Moor in Shaw I arrived just in time to grab a cup of tea and a Kit-Kat prior to the kick-off of this 1st Division match.  I needn't have rushed as goal repairs prior to kick-off delayed the start by a few minutes and I could easily have fitted a piddle in just to be on the safe side on this ever chilling day.  A good crowd was in attendance and a kind fella lent me is pencil to make notes - very decent sir!

The opening play saw Prestwich Heys move from the back and look mighty comfortable in doing so with Cheadle doing their usual scampering business and building up a good sweat.  It wasn't long before the first chance came with a multi-pass creation of diamond formation ending in a sweet cross that was just knocked away by an alert home keeper.  It seemed as though Prestwich were already tightening a soccer screw.  An elbow dispute halted proceedings briefly with some banter between the fans not clarifying what went on - as per, one lot saw one thing, the others saw something completely different - it's called being bent I think. Personally I thought it was an innocuous occurrence and only hindered the game. We needed a goal to liven up the game and when Prestwich knocked in after some tidy in-box play it was with relief to Cheadle that the offside flag was waved - a theme that would continue thwarting any chance of the away side gaining a victory today.  Derisive laughter was aimed at the Prestwich fans but was returned when Cheadle had an immediate chance that the striker nutted disappointingly wide.  Heys passed and pressed, got the odd shot away with the Cheadle keeper making one low save to keep things all square.  The post was also hit and a few openings were squandered, this time both teams being guilty of wastage.  The final pass was the key, always falling short of the mark and letting the opponent off the hook.  The half time whistle came, I was pondering my first 0-0 match of the season.

Kit-Kat finished, the much needed water leak taken.  It  seemed a shame to part with the liquid gold as it was the warmest thing in my chilled carcass - bah, bloody bah.  Back in position and hopes high of an imminent breakthrough.

The second half and Cheadle came out reborn and should have been 1 goal to the good after a golden chance dropped to the ever dashing No 9 only for a shocking miss to ensue - cripes what a load of crap!  Heys counter-punched, persisted in their slow build-up play with a couple of fine crosses aching for that much needed touch that just remained elusive - and so, still no goals. I spoke to soon, Cheadle's No 11 made a charge, slotted the ball inwards, another pass came and...a shout!  Foul!  Penalty given.  Up stepped the starter of the move and wham, bam, thank you mam - Cheadle had somehow got the first goal and thrown the game upside down, arse over tit.  Game ruddy on.  No sooner had the penalty been sunk than the No 11 (Thabiso Magida) was off again, this time a shot was had and only the fingertips of the keeper kept things at 1 -0. Cheadle, now with nadgers on fire, pushed again, nearly broke clear but a last ditched foul saved the day for Prestwich and the yellow card given was fair but, on a different day, could easily have been red.  2 Subs for the away chaps and I expected a push to come, but unexpectedly Cheadle had two quick fire opportunities to extend the lead  - one a break that was scuppered by an alert keeper who just managed to grab the ball from the attackers feet and the other a low seeking shot that just went wide.  Despite Heys playing the better football it was Cheadle's hard work that was winning the day and, it appeared to me at least, that Cheadle wanted this one a whole lot more.

A delicious ball from Cheadle's No 5 nearly led to a second with the back flick and shot just not coming to true fruition.  Still Prestwich played with the same style, but were constantly caught in the cobwebs of offside and so the home keeper was barely troubled throughout.  Cheadle were now asserting authority and after an intelligent free kick was knocked down the wing, the cross came and a tap in for the industrious No 9 (Michael Sherrington) was fine reward and put pay to any hopes Prestwich had of a comeback.  The final run down to the clock was much more of the same and when the whistle blew there was only one team in charge.  Man of the Match for me was Cheadle's No 5 (Liam Tonge) a steady player, not in his usual position but always thinking ahead and supplying some good quality and who seems to read the game darn bloody well.

FINAL THOUGHT - Imagine entering a fruit machine arcade.  Spinning the reels at one is Quasimodo, rotating the fruits at the other is Claudia Schiffer.  The coins flow, the symbols whizz by, nudges are had, win streaks won - but it is the hunchback that cleans up and the model loses all.  Here we have a case of the ugly doing better than the beautiful and so, reflects, in some part, what went on today.  A team may play the better football but if they don't do the dirty work as well as the other team it may well have no pay out at the end.  Think on!

Monday 17 October 2016

LAST GASP GLORY

15th October 2016 - Bootle FC 2 v 1 Hanley Town  - Today myself and my good lady were required to lead a fungus walk at Formby NT which was due to run from 10am to 1.30pm.  I decided to see if there was any local footy on after the walk so we could make the most of a day out - Bootle FC provided the opportunity.  So, after leading 20+ people on a walk around the woods and dunes and clocking up a total of 61 species we had a cup of cha and some lemon drizzle cake, set off in the car and arrived at the ground with 30 minutes to spare.  A chat to a Hanley face I know from several matches and we took up our positions to watch our 21st match of the season.  Tis all go in the Fungalised household.

The opening period saw Bootle start the brighter with an early warning shot not hitting the goal but slamming into the nadgers of the home sides defender and forcing more than a grimace on the players boat race.  Immediately after another scramble was almost poked home and then the busy No 3 had a quickfire shot that was neatly pushed away by the alert Hanley netman. Bootle just possessed a sharper edge during the opening scramblings and it was the aforementioned No 3 that offered width and options.  Despite this Hanley beavered and bustled and looked highly capable of sneaking a lead goal.  The half became somewhat stale though with both teams happy to slowly build from the back but lacking that final piercing pass to open up the guts of their opponent.  Bootle still had the upper hand and when much probing forced the away goalie to drag a striker down (and luckily escape a card, or did I miss something) the ball broke free and was slotted home by Carl Peers, much to the relief of the home fans.  Bootle now grabbed the gonads of the game and began to squeeze with sincerity and another quick follow up goal looked on the cards.  Another break came, that No 3 (again) made space and the resulting shot was fortunately deflected to the keeper - now that would have put Hanley in the mire!  I will give the away team their due, somehow they wheedled their way back into the match and brought a great save from the home No 1 but this led to a swift breakaway that somehow brought no further addition to the scoreline. The rest of the half brought little in the way of orgasmic action although Hanley came closest when a nut put the ball just wide and a cross cum shot just missed.  The match was still anyone's to win!

Half-time - tea and a burger, very nice too and after the usual relief of the bladder it was back to our positions to watch the final 45 minutes.

Initially the second half was more of the same with mistimed runs, poor final balls and overly cautious build-ups the order of the day.  Bootle were still shading things and should have doubled their lead as a cross led to a sure-fire tap in that was miraculously saved on the line. The difference at this stage was that Bootle seemed to have a greater awareness of one another, a firmer cohesion and pushed and squeezed harder when without the ball.  They seemed more committed to do the dirty unglamorous work and as a result forced the away side to make panic decisions and lose the ball in the easiest of circumstances.  The No 1 of Hanley (Joseph Hemmings)  was having a good game and produced a couple more saves as well as watching a power shot fly high into the sky.  I was now expecting no further goals despite Hanley once more forcing themselves back into proceedings.  Their perseverance was admirable and when a cross led to a shot and a slight deflection helped it homewards one couldn't help feeling that the teams, in some small way, deserved to be on level terms. Jonathan Higham celebrated his goal with his teammates and they all must have thought that the game was there for the taking.  Bootle must have been gutted at this equaliser but their heads stayed high and they went at the game with renewed vigour.   A shot best described as 'wank' was a waste, but on the lads pushed and with only seconds to go the game was snatched at the death as Joe Powell gained the glory in the 90th minute with the much sought after goal that sent all and sundry...crackers.  It was a crescendo to a hard fought affair and somehow one could feel that something of this ilk would be the only real way to separate the sides.  Man of the Match for me was Bootle's No 3 (Mikey Ordish) who worked the flank well, offered width, made several good runs and who, with a bit more leg work, can go on to be an even greater handful for defenders.

FINAL THOUGHT - They always say that it is never over until the fat lady sings - who is this fat lass, what the hell does she sound like and is she as in control of fortune as people make out? The game here was decided by a 'never say die' attitude and a desire to not settle for a sole point.  Bootle wanted it just a little more and so gained the end prize.  Hanley are a good team though and all they need to do is work hard for the full 90 minutes and before the kick off of each and every match make sure the aforementioned Fat Lady gets a good kick up her expansive rear!

Wednesday 12 October 2016

CHILLY CHADDY

11th October 2016 - Chadderton Town 2 v  3 Stockport Town  - A sore throat, a fuzzy head and a tired carcass after a couple of weeks of leading fungi walks, putting on gigs and dealing with a dicky car saw me arrive at the venue for tonight's match in need of a footballing pick-me-up.  My grand lady was my partner in kick-about crime and after arriving early we sheltered from the invasive wind inside the car with a much welcome cup of cha.  By heck the temperatures had dropped and it seemed almost time to renew my modelling career with the unpopular men's nudist magazine 'Thimbles R Us'.  Brrrrrr!

7.45pm arrived, we took up our seating positions and the game kicked off with the usual feeling out process taking up the opening ten minutes or so.  On form, both teams were difficult to separate and this was apparent early on when half chances came and went and all was left still goal free. Stockport played high up the field and looked open to a break and when a long ball was latched onto by the Chadderton No 10 (James Curley) the ensuing lob from all of 25 yards justifiably found the back of the net and indicated that this would be a game of two styles - push and punch, wait and counter.  Stockport didn't learn their lesson but counterattacked well with a quick flick header almost levelling the game and increasing the unpredictability of the end result.  The action levels rose, several players were now getting to grips with the game and showing some neat touches and the high moment of the first half came soon enough when a slamming cross was latched onto by the away teams No 7 with Chadderton's netter saving the day with a fine low save - phew!  As Stockport advanced a brace of headers could have borne an equaliser but alas one was nutted to no man's land and the other was tidily saved by a wired in keeper.  The match seemed to promise more goals with the only hindrance coming from both teams inability to release that killer pass at just the right moment.  Of course when one seems to be witnessing a stalemate session a goal duly comes and that is what happened when, out of seemingly nowhere, the industrious No 2 of Stockport (Kiaro Sams) dinked a defender and rifled into the roof of the net with unstoppable, fiery desire.  It brought new life to the game with Stockport finishing on the front foot and nearly pilfering a lead only to be denied by a last grasp tackle by a steady rear runner (take a bow No 5 - whoever ye be).  Not a bad half of competitive footy at all.

Peep, peep - time for a break.  A pee, a bit of Twix and back in the fresh and feisty breeze for the second segment of soccerised entertainment.

No sooner had a few passes been strung together and the referee was caught with his trousers down (gosh, what a chopper), an offside was missed and the Chaddy No 10 had a glimpse of goal.  Alas the chance went begging - would that be decisive come the 90 minute shrill? Instantaneously Stockport responded with a breakaway and a flashing cross but the two predatory attackers both missed the flying orb by the width of a gnat's todger much to the relief of the goalkeeper and I expect, the said gnat.  A time of to and fro, to and fro and when a long ball was cracked forth by the home netter the most simplest of goals was slotted home as that man James Curley stylishly bagged his second of the night and reawakened the general zest of the game.  Over the course of the next few minutes the match developed into a manic spectacle with hustle and bustle aplenty, a brace of goalkeeping mis-kicks discombobulating the onlooker's peepers, some fine inner skills to admire and much ado about something being the recipe of the day.  A highpoint was when Chadderton started to play proper and their spirited No 5 deliciously weaved from the pack, crossed to an awaiting striker whose accurate touch was beautifully parried onto the bar by the ever alert protector of the net.  Another free kick came, Stockport looked a little ragged, the bar was struck again and Lady Luck's arse was being ridden to the max by an away team looking to get back in to the game proper.  The action blurred, the expletive thermality ascended, Stockport allowed another long ball to be collared by the No 10 yet again and a foul finish was all that kept the game from being well and truly put to bed.  Stockport pestered, pushed and rushed - Chaddy bickered with the ref after a foul, concentration was lost and the cross that found Stockport's No 2 was whammed home and we were all level going into the final stretch.  Anybody could have won this, half chances appeared here and there and only a touch of class would separate the two - enter Nathan Neequae, a long term striker with an eye for goal and who has a certain style that seems to be readable but which just regularly does the business again and again...and again.  A cross ball found our would-be hero, he peeled away, cut in, shot low and hard across goal and the winner was had, much to the delight of his congratulating comrades.  The last few minutes were hectic but Stockport took three points back home and maybe, at the end of the day, they did deserve it.  Man of the Match tonight will go to Stockport's No 2 (Kiaro Sams) who, bagged a brace and when brave enough to push forward always looked a handful and put the home side's defence well and truly on the back foot.

FINAL THOUGHT - Not a bad match on a night that brought in the first real gust of winters spite.  Both teams have potential but they also have their weak spots and at this point it is anyone's guess as to where they will end up.  In the sweated and fetid underpants of Ken Odious, the fat man of olde Batley Town, only the hardiest and bravest of ticks survive - herein is a situation to ponder for both teams - do not sit and stink, take a chance and shine and avoid wallowing in the shit, go forth and make your own success.