10th December 2018 - Maine Road 1 v 3 Vauxhall Motors - A day sending out Nettle Books, sorting the kitchen floor, identifying yet more fungi and tidying up. I am back to work tomorrow so need to crack on. The weekend had been grand, a good wildlife walk, a decent footy match and 7 bands exposed on a Fungalised gig. This latest football fix was at one of my local grounds of which I have several - Maine Road on a Monday night though is a regular fixture throughout the campaign and one that is always appreciated. Tonight they were hosts to Vauxhall Motors, a team I saw get beaten at the weekend (as did The Road) leaving me absolutely clueless as to what tonight's outcome would be. I expected the home team to start fast, the guests to warm to the task and the end result to be...well, as I say, who the Hell knows! I was averaging 4 goals a game this month, there didn't seem any reason for this to lessen after examining recent results - ooh heck, surely I hadn't jinxed this one and we would be sent homeward with a sweet FA draw. I arrived in good time, met up with STP Stu and had a brew and discussed recent punk matters. David Potter (Cheadle Heath Nomads Football Coach) and Andy Gray (Cheadle Heath Nomads Manager) were in attendance as well and were fine company and at half-time Neville Pearson (Cheadle Heath Nomads Secretary) also put in an appearance which had me pondering the rumours of a possible warped love tryst involving masonic rituals and the sacrificial slaughter of pies. In fact evidence was hardened when, at half-time, I discovered the manager eating such a pastry filled delight with his left breast bared and one trouser leg rolled up - quite chilling if you ask me! Eventually we went out into the chill for a thrill with no men of the cloth needed and no protractors and compasses anywhere in site - bonus. Seats taken, verdicts given, the ball soon got rolling!
The first sortie into the area considered dangerous came via the manipulations of the visiting tribe with No 8 (David Webb) surging forth and allowing his teammate to wallop with much heftiness. The save was solid and a corner came which was nutted out to relieve the early pressure. No sooner had a respite been achieved than the guest No 11 (Joe Brandon) was chasing a classy through ball that he was millimetres away from connecting with. Luckily for the hosts the keeper had had an early wake up call and was off his line in good time to hoof away. The home team now had their first wander forth, No 3 (Luke Podmore) flashed in the corner, back heeled for No 10 (Thomas Keyworth) to cross with the keeper spilling the greasy globe. The defence cleared up the mess before having possession pilfered in the middle of the park by Road's Keyworth who dashed, delivered and forced the keeper to just do enough. The corner that followed was awful.
The Road now tried to capitalise on the sudden momentum, No 9 (Lee Hendley) delivered a delicious cross that was duly buried but ruled offside - how cruel! A corner came soon after, Podmore and Keyworth were in cahoots once more, a ball eventually went into the box but was parried away by the gloved artisan between the uprights. Keyworth soon retrieved matters, knocked in another decent dig which No 11 (Kyle Hendley) cranially connected with - alas it went off target! Vauxhall needed a release and reacted with a quick attack that was spearheaded by Brandon. He darted with dogmatic desire, worked through the smallest of gaps and left his markers standing before a quick one-two was finalised with a sweetly taken strike. A quite simple but effective goal and a real poke in the pud for the Road's ambitions. As if this wasn't bad enough a free-kick was awarded a few ticks later, Webb took the opportunity from distance and doubled his side's lead in glorious style - were we to bear witness to a thumping?
The hosts now dug in dirt-laden heels but Vauxhall looked to add a third sting with No 9 (George Hassell) buzzing down the wing before releasing a quite blistering cross that No 10 (Ben Holmes) looked certain to bury. The miss was astoundingly terrible. An injury to a Road player looked to add to the home teams woes but a long ball was had and dissected the Vauxhall defence and allowed Keyworth to scamper in. The legs worked, the head stayed composed and the ball was stroked homeward to half the deficit - interesting indeed folks. The lads in blue now discovered renewed hope, Podmore was having a good game and contributing to the possibility of a comeback 2 crosses followed like the irritating twins known as Tweedle Twonk and Tweedle Twat - both causing concern. Vauxhall dealt with matters (just) and responded with some accurate crossing at the other end which Maine Road were lucky to survive. During the last dregs a few half chances were fluffed, Vauxhall's No 6 (Haydn Cooper) went into the book for a clumsy tackle and a couple of old blokes stated that they were giving the half-time tea a miss as it was too strong and reminded them of Castrol GTX - ha, ha - it tickled me no end that comment.
A brew and a chinwag during the break, I noticed The Cheadle Heath Nomads' Manager had picked up a couple of love-bites during the first 45 minutes and passionate Potter was looking hotter and hotter as he sipped his half time refreshment. The latter deviant had his helmet out on the table for all to see during the 15 minute break but I must clarify that it was a motorcycle helmet and not the one that is more than likely at the forefront of your disreputable noggins.
Half two, the visitors had the first free-kick which was delivered with yet more quality. Brandon had the final say with a solid crust but the save was equal to the task. No 5 (Thomas Mitchell) also put nut on ball soon after when Hassell had bust a gut to earn a free-kick in the corner. The delivery was spot on, the end result just off line. Road were unsettled, they were not getting to grips with matters and in danger of throwing away any chance of earning a point or three. Another corner came, Holmes blazed over, Hassell then escaped the pack and fired in a heat-seeking cross that needed the faintest touch - no takers. More corners, more mither and then a static period with some frantic play, too many rushed passes and little in the way of quality. Despite the second period being a dull affair the time absolutely whizzed by and the last 10 were soon upon us. Vauxhall continued to command, a shot was blocked on the line and then Webb punted one from range but just didn't get the coordinates right. The Road mustered a great corner, there was no way through the rear heap. Eventually a ball came, Hendley had a free-shot fly wayward and then Webb blew forward with determination high. On and on he progressed until making it into the perilous pastures of the box where he was bumbled to the turf and awarded a penalty. The same player stepped up, remained calm and put the final nail in the Road's coffin. The hosts had one last chance with Keyworth failing to bury a half-decent ball and then we were done. Farewells were had, I pondered the Man of the Match and went for the defensive rock of Vauxhall Motors, namely No 5 (Mitchell Thomas) who, like a turd in a U-bend, would not be moved and clogged the plumbing of promise for the opponents and left them primarily creatively constipated. A firm but commanding effort - good on ya fella.
FINAL THOUGHT - As per, when I visit Maine Road, there are always goals aplenty and not always the way of the resident pack. The team confound me, frustrate me and seem to defy logic. There is one thing I keep noticing when watching the games though and that is how time and time again they allow their opponents to have one player freely roam into a wide position thus creating untold problems when an attack comes. Is this an oversight, is it a tactic not working? I think if the team play with more width and cover this blip further success could be had, then again I am a mere punter with an opinion and don't want to get too judgmental. The team have some fine players, the mechanics just need a little oiling and that elusive bag known as 'Lady Luck' needs catching - she is a slippy old mare though and holds no favourites that is for sure. Vauxhall Motors came and did what they had to do tonight and although they got bogged down into a messy second half the win, at the end of the day, was fairly comfortable. I feel as though this team isn't firing on all cylinders either, there seems to be a few extra gears waiting to be used but the season is ticking on and there is no time to dawdle and admire the Non-League scenery. I have yet to visit their ground, in the New Year I shall correct this and witness what progress has been made - they do look good value for a top 8 finish though (at least). Before I sign off I need to clarify that when the aforementioned Mr Potter claimed after the match that he wasn't going home to 'polish his helmet' no suggestion of self-abuse was intended - I hope we can now move on from the misunderstanding that caused one nearby old lady to swoon in sexual discombobulation - ooh those aged hormones!
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