WOE OF THE WASTERS

26th December 2022 - Cheadle Town 2 v 4 Cheadle Heath Nomads - Christmas Day has been and gone again, prior to it I could only do my best to avoid the hordes of spending shithawks who give the tag of austerity a quite flimsy name.  Of course Boxing Day means the same ethos must be taken as the ones who claim to be potless queue for things they don't need and then spend the rest of the year following set formats and commands whilst going nowhere - silly bastards.  For the Fungalised Family things were kept simple and sweet - a walk to feed and record the birds, a look at some fungi, family games, a fine meal (that is always the best) and a film to finish the day - in this instance the annual re-watch of 'Tales From The Crypt' with Peter Cushing - a veritable fave of mine.  Today, of course, it was back to supporting some Non-League Footy - a local derby as per, with a second match lined up immediately afterwards.

After unloading the Christmas Dinner via the throbbing fundament (sorry love) the lasses headed into town to sort some paper-based stuff and I had a stretch, caught up with some computer work and headed out beneath almost transparent azure skies.  I arrived at the ground in good time, partook of a brew and chatted with a couple of friends.  There was a slight pinch in the climate, I wished I would have clenched earlier in the day and held onto that Christmas meal a little longer.  

With the clock touching the 3pm mark  I watched the players stride out and had my fingers crossed for a goal laden classic, what I got was...

... immediate action via an early free-kick for The Town.  The ball was played with middling height, a flick on ensued but the danger passed without raising the blood pressure of any delicate onlooker.  The hosts continued to press but the Nomads remained unmoved and had a sortie forth, won a corner that saw the home defence stand firm.  After much ado about bugger all the short travelling team burst forth via the hard-working No 9 (Adama Sidibeh).  The upright was clattered, the globe went loose and No 10 (Daniel Byrnes) accepted the late Christmas present and hoofed home.  A perfect start for a side very much in need of the points.

The Town were reeling, the response came in the form of a corner which was easily dealt with.  Within the thrutch of a hummingbird's arse crack the guests were away again, Sidibeh finding himself with only the keeper to beat but being guilty of a wild shot that whizzed wide and into the filthy mizzle.  What a chance that was!  The hosts hit back with a 3 pass move and a quick dig at goal via No 3 (Jack McConnell) that saw the Nomad No 1 (Morgan Piper) drop on the ball with eager anticipation.  

A freekick was the next noteworthy point.  No 9 (Patrick Davin) for the home lads was on it and struck low and firm hoping to catch all unawares.  The ball travelled with pace, pinged off the inside of the upright and somehow ended up in the arms of the much relieved keeper - Lady Luck was shining on the visitors that was for sure.  Another free-kick came the same way moments later, No 11 (Jordan Lazenbury) produced a great strike that walloped the underside of the bar and allowed No 4 (Kyle Mc Gonigle) to dash in and bury to get matters back to all square.

From here the home team piled on some good pressure but a lack of sharpness at the apex brought little reward.  The closest they came was when a cross was flicked on by No 7 (Kaleb Parkinson) and a defender needed to clear on his line, Lazenbury had a pop shy of the mark and  Parkinson dashed forth with focus and skill but the corner earned was wasted and all and sundry returned to their usual positions. 

From this point up to the break The Nomads indulged in a mini renaissance with Sidibeh setting a fine battling and never-say-die example.  Steam rose, legs pumped and both teams battled like Jack Russells over a spare sausage - alas no further breakthroughs were had.

A chinwag with John D was had during the break and I was horrified to hear that he had sold his prosthetic limb company and invested in a Tin Mine in Workington.  The good news though was that he was selling off a few products cheap so I invested in a couple of rubber appendages purely for research reasons - the fact that they looked like men's donglers is neither here nor there. 

And so after a quick nip for an gypsies kiss, a tuck up and a swill of pop I made sure my recent purchases were put safe in my bag and watched the second half unfold.

The second period began with an early Town gratis hoofing.  It was shite but another one seconds later was earned after Parkinson seemed to dupe the referee into believing a serious foul had taken place.  Davin posted, No 4 darted in but no contact was made and the mittman collected without fuss.  The hosts came again, a choice ball found the energetic Parkinson who gathered well, entered the box, pulled the trigger and watched the globe fly wide of the target zone. Once more Cheadle Town came, No 10 (Thomas Murray) let go a fine strike that forced the keeper to produce a quality save.  A corner followed, a handball shout fractured the bracing air, the referee was utterly disinterested.

From here the Nomads responded with a glancing header wide and then No 2 (Robel Kesete) battling away like a bastard on heat and forcing the ball to go loose allowing No 11 (Reuben Dass) to duly bury - 1 - 2 and a shock was on the cards.

Within a twinkling of a youthful eye Dass was away again, wasted no time in putting laces through the ball only to see the end result marked down as a 'near miss'.  The Town were looking below par, The Nomads were seen to be growing in belief.  Another guest attack came, Dass played to No 4 (Jack Warren), the result yet another close shave but no end triumph.  The Town somehow dug out a chance, Murray was the apical component and sent forth a fair pop that once more clattered the framework.  

A drab period followed, McConnell for the home team had a crack off-line and then a substitute darted away, crossed the ball onto the glabrous belfry of Davin who directed goalward.  The one-handed save that came was straight out of the top drawer, it was a veritable highlight of a compelling game.  Davin was involved soon after when he sent the ball to Lazenbury who attempted an audacious overhead that lacked power and no doubt resulted in a twanged gonad and a knotted vas deferens.  The leading tribe reacted, Sidibeh had a wallop over and then ran the flank, worked in, sent in a cross and brought about an own goal - with a two goal cushion the result looked set firmer than one of Fanny Craddock's Sherry Jellies.

I had already selected my man of the match, moments later it was confirmed when the Nomadic No 9 chased a lost cause, won a penalty and stepped up to bury - now that is the way to earn a goal.  After a few more minutes farewells were given and I made my way to the corner of the ground near the exit (I was off to make a quick dash to watch Chadderton FC play Bacup Borough).  As I stood and took in the final flings Cheadle Town bagged a late consolation via Ryan Usher after much fluster.  2 - 4 it was, a fair result from a game that saw two teams huff and puff and strive for the extra festive present.  As said, Man of the Match must go to Cheadle Heath Nomads No 9 (Adama Sidibeh) for a sheer non-stop willingness, being a constant threat and always posing a problem for the opposing force.  He will be a player to count on if the Nomads are to rise through the ranks.

As soon as the whistle blew I was off to meet the missus and daughter and indulge in a second match that was truly terrible.  You can't win em' all.

FINAL THOUGHTS - For me, the league in which the two teams on show today are involved, is no great shakes. I have seen plenty of matches this season and despite the odd squad performance I have yet to see anything outrageously good.  The two teams at the top are the best and should battle it out for the promotional prize - beyond that...who knows?  Cheadle Heath Nomads are getting better but have undergone too many changes in a short space of time to make any inroads this time around.  If they finish just below mid-table it will be a decent do but it is important that they get a settled squad and build from there.  There are a few good battling players in the line-up and some with a wealth of experience - a bit of flair thrown into the mix and maybe a few surprises are in store.  Cheadle Town have had a good run of winning ugly come to and end and appear to be like a rather shagged out Robin Hood and have shot their bolt.  The current dip in form is a worry and the way they played today didn't inspire confidence.  Only a few tweaks though are needed, but they need to come sooner rather than later or a play-off spot will be lost.  8 weeks ago you would have said The Town were guaranteed to be in the top 5, now the top 10 may be the best they can get - I hope to be proven wrong but like the shopping hordes, the Town are being too wasteful - it is not the way forward.

WYTHERING ON THE LINE

6th December 2022 - Wythenshawe Amateurs 1 v 0 Barnton FC - The Non-League authorities have been sent a stern message, a message on behalf of all we touchline stalwarts who brace the cold and watch the great games unfold whilst our genitals wither and the cranial juices freeze over. I mean, it just isn't on is it?  Within the weft of the ravings was a request to issue all gents with suitable sized 'Appendage Heaters' and all eager lasses with appropriately designed 'Thermal Pussy Plugs' - for a minimal fee many clubs could add to their coffers and perhaps even create their own genital heating range - the 'Denton Town Anti-Dick Ditherer', the 'Barnton Ball Wrap' or even the 'Cheadle Town Chunky Knit Chuff Muff' etc. etc.  Alas this is all a dream and with the Orbs and Sceptre tucked up tight I met up with STP Stu and indulged in a brew and a burger.  Predictions were made, we both agreed the home team should do the business - the mockers were on, could the Ams defy the curse of the prophesying pillocks.

The opening throes of the contest were brisk and highly animated with both teams displaying a fine hunger.  The first free kick came for the hosts after a bizarre sex hug surely meant the fouled player would need a pregnancy test after the match.  No 7 (Kieran Curtis) delivered the bonus boot, a corner was conceded but the ball was hoofed too long, and the chance disappeared into the perishing sky.  The hosts built momentum from here and started to dominate with another angled input coming and a solid on-the-line header needed to stave off penetration of the meshing.

Barnton were now under a severe cosh, with the keeper not helping matters by dawdling on the ball and nearly being robbed on two different occasions by the huffing and harassing No 9 (Saul Henderson).  The ball eventually went towards the home goal, the keeper got his maulers on matters and propelled a long hoof that Curtis chased and controlled.  A sweet contact was made, a marker negotiated, and a cross delivered with No 11 (Joseph Bevan) popping up and burying with unflustered ease.

A pause came next, there was a hole in the pitch, no doubt caused by an escapee mole from the laboratory of the local mad scientist Professor Glands - the man and his experiments are a public menace. With repairs done, the game restarted with another long ball posing Barnton problems and the flashing Bevan nearly in again.  Moments later No 10 (Bryan Ly) had a pop from middling distance, the outcome being a layer of paint removed from the outside of the horizontal.

The incessant blue flow continued with The Villagers doing well to keep the deficit down to one goal. A free-kick came next, Ly hit a pearler but was denied by the stubborn upright.  The strike was surely deserved of better. Barnton eventually had a pop on goal via the hard working No 2 (Jay Lee).  The host No 1 (Samuel Goodwin) kept his orbs on the ball though and saved well. The guests slowly worked themselves into the game, but luck wouldn't roll their way and after a yellow card was issued for what seemed a perfect tackle the half ended with Wythy on top and nearly doubling their lead via a prod by No 5 (Luke Worth) that was just shy of the mark.

Matters stayed as they were with me and my mate Stu making quick haste to acquire a warming brew and get the circulation flowing. On the way back to our touchline spot we were far from impressed by a flock of Moroccan Shit-Hawks pecking at the home dug out, it seems the aforementioned Professor's aviary is in need of repair with a runaway Yellow Nobbed Ostrich seen soon after and confirming our suspicions. Honestly, the RSPCA need contacting and perhaps, I need to a trip to the docs to check the medication I am on.  

Half two and an early gratis hoofing for Barnton saw No 10 (Joseph Levey) deliver and a header get deflected wide.  The corner came, a bonce sent the ball skyward, the keeper punched and the pressure was eased. Another Barnton corner came, a handball shout rent the night air, the referee was having none of it and waved play on.  The Wythy Warriors reacted, a free-kick was won but the strike by Ly was straight into the meat of the keeper's carcass.

From here, it must be said that Barnton put in some impressive work with a few shots coming at the opposing goal and the home ranks forced to scamper like macho men in the midst of a worked-up Village People reunion.  The impetus and never-say-die attitude was applaudable, the only thing lacking was a goal.  

Eventually, tired legs and fagged frameworks helped the game fall apart at the seams, similar in fact to a well rogered Bagpuss.  Substitutes were made by both teams; the steam rose from players busting a gut but a stalemate had been reached despite Barnton's valiant efforts. Minor excitement came but little in the way of orgasmic inducing eruptions were witnessed.  With flaccidness taking hold the final whistle blew and I was left to ponder the Man of the Match which goes to Barnton Town's No 2 (Jay Lee) for a real stint, some hard chasing and for primarily being keen and eager from first to last.  He was unlucky to be on the losing team in a game of two halves that was surely deserved of a draw - sometime the footballing Gods are real bastards.

FINAL THOUGHTS - If Barnton FC play like they did in the first half they will have a long season ahead, if they play like they did in the second half they will do just fine.  The reverse can be said of Wythenshawe Amateurs - more performances like the first half and the door of promotion will be nudged wider with every game.  More performances like the second period and the hinges will come off and the door will come crashing down.  I suspect Barnton will get better as the season unfolds, a top ten finish will be satisfactory methinks although areal push could get them a few places higher.  The WA pack expect promotion, but it may well have to be the play-offs through which they eventually progress.  They are definitely a top 2 side and just need to stay focused for the full-term and make sure they bury teams when in command.  There will be upsets and chances taken and lost along the way, once we get to the other side of Christmas the picture will be a little clearer.

CONTINUATION

3rd December 2022 - Maine Road FC 3 v 4 Stockport Georgians - The year has been hectic, I have had no real time to do a flourish of match reports due to being immersed in many other areas.  The gigs are done for the year, it has been a joy of DIY wonder kicking against the pricks, the walks I lead are finished, it has been a very successful campaign albeit against the growing swathes of pluckers and fuckers.  Now, the winter months are here, the back and hips have gone twang, family needs are taking time and with work and the continued DIY and natural duties I am on the back arthritic foot.  People have been dropping like flies, the masses have got over the Covid fiasco and shown that the majority are primarily senseless and incapable of learning any lesson and making a difference to the future.  Babies continue to drop from fannies like coins from a broken slot machine arcade, buildings fly up quicker than a flock of Woodcock with their arses on fire and the Governmental corruption continues whilst commercial and media ventures consume all sense of liberation and individuality.  As a result all I can do is piss in the wind, defy and do what I do - this match report is squeezed from a flustered sphincter (I can shit in the wind if I want to) and I hope reeks of good passion and fine intent.  

After a morn stretching the back, having a walk with the missus and a work-out on the punchbag a fine dinner was consumed before I was dropped off at the ground whilst my missus went and did her mum's shopping and welcomed her home from a long stay in hospital.  My good mate STP Stu was in attendance and the jaws wagged whilst hot liquid was dropped into the belly in the hope of staving off any chill.  Little did Stu know but I was wearing my recently acquired Jacob Rees Mog underpants - they lack any transparency and can hold a huge amount of shit (just like the blue-stained man himself).

And so, at 3pm and with arses parked (shit warmed in my case - ooh heck), the globe got rolling as did the ball on the end of my pen. 

No sooner had the bag of wind been hoofed than Maine Road broke with a choice ball threaded to No 11 (Joshua Clegg) on the flank who posted a low ball into the box with No 10 (Joseph Keyworth) there to bury.  The contact came, gasps came from the excited onlookers, the end result was a close miss.  The game eventually settled after much enthusiastic huffing and puffing.  The Road played with their usual overly zealous gusto, the Georgians prodded and poked with patience.  The hosts put together the next attack, No 9 (Yousif Yousif) displayed good muscle and desire but the end shot that came was a poor pea-roller that failed to test the mittman. A gratis boot was given to the hosts next, No 6 (Jamie Roe) delivered, the keeper collected with ease.  The home team came again, No 2 (Jake Pogson) put in a fine cross, Keyworth was there but was denied at the death - these missed opportunities were destined to become haunting memories for sure.

Next up and a Road corner came  which the guest keeper knuckled clear.  A break ensued, a sugar sweet pass found the galloping No 7 (Kyle Wych) who duly chased whilst the home keeper left his line to deal with matters.  The No 1 (Peter Monteith) got to the globe first, made a complete hash of matters allowing the wannabe goal getter to take possession of the orb and face an open goal.  One look was taken, the ball was stroked home - 0 - 1 - the hosts looked dumb-founded and the keeper looked rather pissed off with himself - a lesson learnt I hope!

The game now became a little more physical, the blue clad ranks pushed with No 8 (Abdi Addow) having a healthy dart into the box that ended in a tumbling.  A penalty was awarded, No 5 (Louis Edwards) had to wait whilst disputes were rained upon the ref, a test of one's temperament for sure. Eventually the ball was struck and on its way to the back of the net, audibly scraping the goalies fingers before rippling the meshing. 1 - 1 - game back on.

Much energy was burnt up over the following period with both teams looking to get the upper hand. Suddenly the Georgians swooped from a situation of stress.  The hosts backed off, a shot came, a touch on from No 9 (Jack Woolley) was made, the score was now 1 - 2 and the break was beckoning.

Before the interval the visiting tribe remained on top, No 10 (Oliver McFadyen)) had a punt that flew way over the bar and before the peep of the whistle a final guest free-kick produced bugger all - we scarpered to get a brew, the MR machine needed warming up too.

A queue, a brew, a slash and a dash.  The usual perches were taken, the game continued with great promise.

From the off it was imperative the home lads made a bold impression, alas it was not to be as the Georgians No 6 (Thomas Russell) collected from distance, saw the keeper off his line and sent forth a delectable chip.  As the ball pinged off the upright and nestled in the onion bag the grabber of the goal raised an arm and looked mighty pleased with himself, and so he should, it was a delectable strike.

The Road, now up against the wall, strove to find some inkling of salvation.  After much sweat was spilled a free-kick was wasted and then another one entered the danger zone, missed all players and a defender was caught on the hop and became the victim of an own goal.  A bonus gift for the resident pack, but no sooner had the minute hand done three rotations of the clock, the Stockport team was back in possession of a 2 goal cushion when an attack saw a shot blocked and a follow-up rattled home by the awaiting Wych.  It was a case of 'never concede immediately after a goal' a sacred rule broken many times over the long campaign.

Hectic times came and went as The Road struggled to make any serious headway.  The Georgians sat and sprang with a superb ball allowing McFadyen to charge away.  A cross followed, No 8 (Callum Campbell) was in but sent the globe just wide, could that be a turning point? A drop ball came at the other end (for who knows what)?  A cross followed, a semi-clearance made before Yousif pounced, propelled and reduced the deficit to 1 goal, ruddy heck, this could be a last blast thriller?

As I reached for my double-dose nerve tablets a shout came for a Georgians penalty which the referee firmly ignored.  Time whittled away and the hosts didn't help their case with several slack passes.  The resident Clegg still looked to be a potential threat with several crosses delivered but just lacking an assassin's touch.  The dog ends of the game came, Woolley had a pop wide, his opposite number Yousif tried to place a shot that the keeper watched all the way and coolly collected.  As many chilled souls awaited the final whistle the referee dillied and dallied and dealt with some pointless argy-bargy.  With many touchline conkers trembling and many nipples doing a good impression of ruddy wine corks the game was eventually halted, the score-line seemed fair but I couldn't help feeling that the hosts had made this one a little too easy for the travellers. Man of the match goes to the Stockport Georgians No 10 (Oliver McFadyen) - I like the effort, the problems he poses and the persistent willingness to call for the ball when in located space - he is an integral part of a successful squad - nifty!

Big thanks to Stu and his good lady for the lift home after the match, it was much needed after my missus had decided to stay with her mum who had nearly taken a couple of tumbles - what a worry it is!

FINAL THOUGHTS - if you want a dose of good Non-League Football I would always recommend a visit to Brantingham Road. There you will be served a choice dish of honest football whilst excitement, frustration and disbelief are the chosen condiments on offer.  Today the gravy of success was tainted but the joy is in the playing and sticking to the ethical recipe. I will be filling my gut again very soon.

The Georgians are no mugs, they came and played their usual effective game, they don't seem to be anything more than a well-drilled machine with all components working as a group - what else is needed?  They don't get flustered and seem to ooze consistency, in what I deem to be a rather weak league this time around, promotion at the first time of asking, could be theirs.

Maine Road, well what can I say.  They are a real fave team of mine playing at a ground myself, and all who I talk to, have a soft spot for.   I would love to see this lot get back in the premier league but they always leave me befuddled and flabbergasted.  At the moment they are just lacking depth, they need an extra 3 or 4 players to call upon and a real marksman who will not waste the chances they so readily make.  The players gave it their all today, they stuck to their guns and if the two early chances would have been buried the end result could have been oh so different.  Football is all about the 'ifs' though, as is life itself - for example - if I hadn't eaten all those sausages over the years would I be two stone lighter?  If I hadn't stuck my penis in the plug socket when I was a wee nipper would I now be the proud owner of a 'proper pecker'?  Who knows, who cares, with my multi-purpose, off kilter John Thomas I wander on, pissing this way, that way, every way I can and all done with splashing passion. Golden shower anyone?

SPIRALS DOWNARDS AND UPWARDS

3rd September 2022 - Knutsford FC 0 v 3 Denton Town - I was bordering on the domesticated today and was dragged shopping with the good lady.  I don't think the invite will be repeated anytime soon as I wandered around the supermarket not knowing where anything was and throwing in the odd unnecessary item at the merest whim.  Returning home I reviewed a few tracks off an outstanding CD and then we both got ready and headed out.  We had time to kill, a call in at a Garden Centre saw the missus get some new clothes and then we had a walk on Knutsford Heath and recorded a few species.  There was an absence of fungi, Common Earthballs were the best we could summon although Dripping Man Balls came a close second due to the somewhat clammy weather.  We left the car where it was and arrived at the ground 30 mins before kick-off and were greeted by a lovely amiable gent on the gate (these pleasant greetings and friendly ways go a long way with us, we must make more of an effort to support Knutsford this year).  Brews were soon had and in the executive viewing area we went, with the rears parked on a bench, then on a high chair before eventually opting for the cushioned buttock supports that pleased the posteriors no end.  In fact the last time my arse was so pleasured was when a Jackie Pallo look-a-like paid me a visit and put me in a full rectal-nelson - ooh heck.

So, in position and joined by a young man I have known since he was 6 (19 years ago), we watched the game unfold whilst I scribbled some spidery notes.  

Denton were at it fast, a gratis-hoofing came, the result was a punt straight at the mitter.  A same bonus boot came the other way, it was walloped straight out of play.  From this underwhelming commencement that left the nipples of excitement rather flaccid rather than turgid wine corks the visiting pack swept forth with liquid ease.  The ball went one way and then the other, a cross ensued with No 9 (Jordan McCann) on it but denied by the whistle signalling an offside decision.

After this initial scare Knutsford held onto possession for several minutes until a careless pass saw the Towns No 8 (Caleb Affleck) profit and pass.  The recipient of the globe was No 2 () who blazed the wing like an arsonist under a death threat.  The man marking the fiery darter was left behind, the ball was played into the box and the header was buried by No 10 (Josh Rushby) from all of 2 feet - what a fine goal this was.

From here the leading squad came again, Rushby was in possession, a shot was on but a pass was made to McCann but the pace of the ball was too rich and the latter player could only find the side netting (much to his annoyance). Knutsford bounced back with a corner that was well struck and duly met the cranium of No 14 (Graeme Brotherton) who put the ball just off target - it was a definite chance to get back into this one, a chance that may be strongly rued.

Despite the goal, there was little in this as a contest but Denton were working better off the ball and giving hint at why their season has been so successful so far.  A bit of pointless tetchiness came and went before Denton started to up the ante. Balls came into the Knutsford box, most were dealt with except one that saw a ball over the top find McCann's chest.  The globe was controlled, the keeper rounded, the bag bulged - sometimes this footballing lark can be made to look as easy as 1, 2, 3.

From here to the break Knutsford were very much on the back foot with numerous surges just about dealt with and the chance of a breakaway goal not even looking likely.  In fact the Knutsford pack did well to summon one late surge that was finalised with a toe-poke by No 9 (Connor Burgess) with the guest keeper doing enough to put the attacker off and duly miss his attempt on goal.  The referee called time to the half, Denton were continuing their goal roll, Knutsford were facing a spiral to oblivion, the prongs up front needed sharpening and urgency off the ball needed turning up to situation 'red light'.

We had another drink for the break, caught up with a few faces and settled our rears in the awaiting chairs.  It were a grand day out lad and we are happy to be idle.

Half two began with Knutsford out sharpish, No 10 (Tom Bowey) found space and cracked forth a well placed shot that the No 1 (Gift Efosa Eichie) followed all the way and stopped with an outstretched hand from nestling in the top corner - it was a wonderful save.  A corner followed, Denton stayed safe but the home pack kept on pressing and now actually looked like a team capable of scoring.  The new arrival, No 17 (Aaron Burgess), for the hosts looked a threat and got tumbled a couple of times with the resultant free-kicks disappointingly producing nowt,  After Brotherton had a tame header go wide, The Town broke. No 11 (Elvis Omorogbe Ojo) posted a good ball into the box that No 9 McCann touched forth with the keepers hand just doing enough to deny the third goal. Soon after McCann had a volley over and then the Knutty Boys won a free-kick that 18 (Max Kennedy) delivered.  Bodies fell, shouts rent the air, the referee ignored all and made sure the game kept flowing.

The next goal nearly came for Knutsford when a neatly struck free-boot found Brotherton at the back stick who nutted into the danger area with Bowey arriving to half the deficit.  Alas the shot went over the bar, it looked as though that was a crucial miss and banished all hopes of a comeback.  From a further cost-free kick for the hosts Denton broke. McCann provided for Rushby who took one look and buried - it was the ultimate slap in the mush for the resident ranks (ouch).

The closing stages saw Knutsford dig deep but waste chances and Denton see things out without too much fuss.  The game ended and I was left to ponder Man of the Match and due to a relentless work rate and for being a pain in the opposing forces proverbials the choice goes to Denton Town's No11 (Elvis Omorogbe Ojo) - what a knackering stint - no wonder he limped off with cramp.

We said farewells to many folk and drove home quite fagged out.  Another busy day was planned for the morrow, we do like to crack on.

FINAL THOUGHTS - As ever, a visit to watch Knutsford FC turned out to be a pleasure, it was a shame the day was so unenjoyable for the host team.  There is a work in progress here but by heck, to achieve anything, the players need to stick together, work their knackers off and make sure, when going forth, they do so with pace and with a unity.  Today they had about as much chomp up front as a toothless Hilda Baker and the overall team cohesion was lacking, especially when the team wasn't in possession. We will return later this year and, maybe catch the team away, we expect a better do all round, if not, the team could be spiralling down the all consuming shit basin of misery - it ain't a nice way to go.  Denton Town now have 7 wins out of 7, the league I feel is there for the taking, all the team need do is keep working like whizzed up wankers off the ball and make sure when they shoot they shoot with impregnating accuracy and leave the opposition tubbed up with many cross-eyed sprogs of disappointment.  So far the Town are having things go their way, harder tests will come and I will hopefully be there to witness many of them as well as a long and successful season.

NB - this is my 394th match report - I shall hand-pick 6 more then have a break - quality over quantity will be the approach, with of course a little digressive deviancy of orthodox decency.

NO FUNGI BUT GOALS APLENTY

29th August 2022 - Euxton Villa 2 v 4 Chadderton FC - There ain't no rain and ye olde Fungalised git is getting frustrated.  I have walks to lead and everywhere I go the shrooms are not showing themselves.  A morn spent at Ainsdale Sands Lake produced no mycological magic so we (myself, missus and some friends) sought other things and were blessed with a Sand Lizard, some good galls, a few orthopterans and some blooms we don't see every week of the year.  I tried to fill up on liquids and piss here and there in the hope of encouraging spore-laden eruptions, I think I ended up polluting the local area instead (bastard). After a brew and chits and chats we headed to today's ground with myself, as per, crummy and unkempt after scrambling around here and there.  Upon arrival STP Stu was in situ (he's more reliable than the fungi) and after saying 'howdo', purchasing a brew and a pie we took up our positions and watched the game unfold.  This was a new ground for all three of us, it is good to have a change and hopefully spread the word of another Non-League outfit - it is just a small way of trying to put back.

The game began under cloudy skies and finished with a breeze blowing, alas no rain fell (aagghhh).  The first half opened with Chadderton pressing and Euxton providing a quick counterpunch.  No 9 (Matthew Davies) darted away and put in a fiery low cross that sizzled the daisies but was dealt with by an outstretched defensive shank.  The guest team though were unmoved and applied a goodly amount of pressure in a quite hectic start to the game.  A free-kick was eventually earned from the persistent mither, the result was something best described as 'utterly wank'.  The Chad Lads came once more, the ball went outward with No 11 (Cory Knight) making a nice touch and having a punt at the angle that was deflected behind.  The resultant corner had too much 'oomph' and left all awaiting assassins scratching their bonces in frustration.

The away team kept on forcing the issue, they were akin to a constipated cow trying to produce the reeking goods in order to please the dung collecting farmer known as Crapper O' Toole.  Another angled hoof was dealt with, a couple of crosses were followed by a bout of head tennis and then a free-kick came that No 5 (Malachi Clarke) connected with, but the header was off target.  

From the one-way traffic The Euxton crew went against the grain with the eager Davies chasing a lost cause and creating a kerfuffle. The ball rolled loose and No 2 (Kieran Mawdesley) had a pop that ended with the ball flying disappointingly over the bar.  At the other end two more kicks came from the corner with the first totally shite, the second better and dealt with. An immediate re-cross came, Clarke flicked the ball goalward with the host No 1 (Joshua Brooks) saving well.

The Villans pounced next, Davies worked hard, put the ball to the other side of the pitch and found No 11 (Joshua Briggs) who struck with sanguinity.  The ball left the boot from distance and was soon bulging the upper corner of the onion bag - 1 - 0 - what a glorious strike to witness.

From here Chadderton dug deep and strove to get back to parity but just fell shy at the last. Euxton indulged in a smooth passing sequence with the apical component of Briggs putting in a good strike that the keeper did well to push behind. From the following corner, No 4 (Jordan Schofield) could only nut over, it was a decent chance.  The hosts had their peckers up, Chaddy's No 3 (Joseph Richards) was dispossessed with No 7 (Dan Singleton) getting away and shooting wide.  The rebound from this latest scare saw the guest ranks create minor mayhem with several threaded balls that went this way and that before Knight dealt with matters and buried the equaliser.

The break was now beckoning, balance had been restored and things looked to be fairly settled for the interval.  Suddenly Chadderton pressed and earned themselves a corner.  The ball was whipped in, No 9 (Adam Dale) made contact with his ever available noggin - 1 - 2 it was and a fine turn around was complete.  The break came soon after, both teams deserved a rest methinks.

We stayed put and nattered whilst a breeze was welcome.  This had been a good game so far and the second half far from easy to predict.  All 3 pre-match predictions were still in with a chance, come full time though, would anyone lay claim to being a footballing prophet?

The second period began with Chaddy showing urgency and creating much mither for the hosts.  A cross-ball came and found the mercurial No 7 (Mauro Mendes) who dinked and wriggled, cut in and fired a shot that was just off target. The mounting trouble grew for the home team, a response was had with a good lather made and a corner won.  The ball was delivered long. No 4 (Ethan Darr) was waiting at the back stick and 2 - 2 it was.

Chadderton refused to take this insulting penetration lying down (unlike Joan Collins and similar stars with spring-loaded legs).  The team responded by building up a good lather with Mendes bursting into the box and getting up-ended.  Penalty was the decision, Schofield strode up and coolly got his team back in front.

The game now became a busy and bustling affair with the leading pack looking to cement matters and the trailers keen to claw their way back into things.  Euxton tried to force the issue, Davies had a shot cleared off the line, corners and free-kicks came but Chadderton stood firm,  An angled kick against the flow came, Euxton were found wanting and after a defensive mix-up No 8 (James Purfield) slammed home on the turn and gained his side an all important cushion.  It was nearly 2 - 5 after a defender/keeper mix up and then Euxton came on with the closest attempt via Darr who trembled the upright (phwoar).

The closing stages saw another last ditch clearance by the guests, Euxton's impressive Davies chip the keeper and hit the framework and a few half chances come either way and disappear into the overall animation.  The game ended with the points taken back down Oldham way and Euxton rueing missed chances and licking their wounds.  Man of the Match goes to Chaddertons No 4 (Jordan Schofield) a stalwart at the back, confident and tidy and having the gift of a goal on an all-round productive day - not bad at all.

FINAL THOUGHTS - I thought that the whole Euxton Villa set up was a grand do today and the atmosphere of the place and the general surroundings are all persuasive to us visiting again. The team have several good players, one or two with notable experience and an attitude to crack on that is highly commendable.  Today they were slightly careless in conceding 4 goals and really should have had a draw out of this game.  The final thrustings displayed a desire that, if used earlier, could have altered the end result - maybe next time.  Chadderton now stand at position 2 in the First Division North.  Success has been a long time coming but this could be their year.  They are a well organised team with options aplenty but as per, to keep the points coming they will have to stay highly disciplined and keep their heads held high when on the back foot.  Today they showed a good resilience and may just be one of the teams to be reckoned with as the season progresses - a trip back to The Falcon Fire Stadium is long overdue.  If I hear there be fungi growing on the pitch I shall be there as quick as a flash - Stinkhorns and Soccer - what a combo.

PH VALUE - NEUTRAL

6th August 2022 - Prestwich Heys 1 v 1 Litherland Remyca - The fungal precipice is being walked upon, I am set for a busy season leading walks and striving to inform people about the value of fungi and if they don't get due protection the whole environmental machine will grind to a halt. The morn was spent at Denton Town, we are striving to help nature, I was disappointed to see weed-killer had been used in certain areas, I have requested this be stopped so we can keep things natural, healthy and safe for all - I am willing to tidy up manually, I am not an idle arse.  After a good potter with the missus we darted home, stuffed lunch and dashed to the Mother-In-Laws - we dropped off her shopping, bought her a cake and picked up a few plant pots that will help the Denton project.  From here we drove to today's chosen ground, paid our dues and settled in the sun to watch some FA Cup action.  The beams were bonny indeed and I do need to invest in a hat to cover my glabrous pate. I want a Sombrero, I may go for a Stetson or indeed an Imperial Japanese Army Hat - watch this space, a twat in a hat will manifest itself very soon.

So with belfries blessed by solar goodness we watched the first period unfold.  An early chance fell to the home 'erberts with No 9 (Connor Morris) breaking the offside trap and squeezing a pass to No 11 (Dylan Fitzgerald) who tried to beat the keeper with an impish chip.  The ball rose and fell, alas behind the bar.  The Hey Mob breezed forth once more soon after. Fitzgerald produced a delectable touch that was touched on with No 4 (Kai Haigh) chasing down and only denied by a keeper who was off his line in double quick time.

A corner for Heys came next, the keeper fisted well, in fact the last time I saw a fisting like this was whilst the Prince of Wales was in a compromising position with a homo-erotic Bill Oddie look-a-like - by heck that was a strange night.  The Remyca eventually settled, won a corner but were witness to a commanding defensive header by the home No 5 (Rudy Misambo) - a man with an aerial dominance that was consistent all afternoon.

Litherland Remyca now began to give a good account of themselves with much hustling and a few balls into the box of peril. Prestwich had the next real chance though with Morris and Fitzgerald linking up and the latter disappointingly firing over.  Fitzgerald soon came again with a strong, imposing run.  A ball was knocked crossfield to No 7 (Connor Berry) who took one touch, cut in and walloped.  The ball, once more was overloaded with elevation, it was a definite chance missed.

Litherland returned the goal scares with a long free-kick from No 2 (Luke Denson) that needed tipping over by the home mitter.  The corner came and skinned many heads without any serious contact made - the first goal was due it seemed and looked to be getting more important by the second. Another shot came at the host No 1 (Russel Saunders), but this time the globe was deflected wide.  An angled hoof followed, the gloved one palmed down but only to No 11 (Jamie McDonald) who fired home and gave his most sincere thanks for the gift.  Now, the onus was on the hosts to up the ante.

The home town lads produced a long ball next, Morris was the apical component and sent in a low shot that the keeper gathered with relative ease.  Prior to the break the trailing team could only summon one corner that was trashed due to a pointless infringement and as the referee blew for the break, Litherland Remyca were looking quite comfortable indeed.

We stayed put for the break, nattered and absorbed the sun whilst nibbling a bit of chocolate.  We were looking forward to a day out tomorrow, wandering amid the greenery, noting all the wild miracles and soaking up a few rays.  Bring it on.

Back to the game and half two went something like this.  A give and take start was eventually put to one side when the resident Berry picked up the ball just inside the opposing half and duly negotiated a crowd of bods before poking forth a shot that squeezed into the bottom corner of the shallot sack.  It was an eye-watering moment for the guests, they looked to be in charge of matters and now were dragged back to all square.  

Some thermality and ill temper now crept into the game with Heys starting to make the most effective plays.  Despite Fitzgerald having a wild and reckless dig very little further threat came.  For all the home team's animation and general liveliness they were creating little and this game looked to be heading for a sure-fire replay. Eventually more positivity and attention to the away goalmouth came with a shot blazed forth and the keeper forced to produced a fine save and then, the same No 1 (Ryan Jones) was made to leave his line to quell the threat by an incoming attacker.  A corner followed these minor scares, the nut of Berry was found at the rear stick but the the cranial contact made sent the ball straight at the keeper.

The Remyca were now under the cosh and in danger of getting it rammed up their arse for that matter.  Heys came on with intent.  McDonald for the visitors had a chance to ease the pressure and gain a shock lead goal but his header from the corner just shied away from the strike zone.  No 19 (Kaiden Barlow) for Heys had a shot on the turn that was deflected wide and soon after No 16 (Tyler James) produced a top notch strike that the mittman did well to palm behind.  The corner came, a nut towards goal needed clearing off the line with No 10 (Callum Nicholas) having the next dig that was wonderfully saved and then 14 (Ashley Cata) having a pop that wouldn't stay on target.

The PH pack pushed with ardour, some in-box head tennis was finalised by James who couldn't find the net.  The finish became scrappy and saw Litherland hang on and gain that replay at their gaff - Prestwich Heys could be rueing the fact that they didn't snatch this one when they had the chance - we shall see.  man of the Match goes to the PH No 5 (Rudy Misambo) - a player who had authority, a controlled temperament and who really looks set to go up to the next level.  No fuss. no griping, just eye on the ball and dealt with - a cracking performance.

FINAL THOUGHTS - So a replay is the end result of a well-balanced game that was just shaded on points by the hosts.  The next game will be equally tough with Litherland looking a hard nut to crack especially as their defence looks well organised and not likely to leak many goals.  Their No 5 (Steven Hoy) was particularly impressive and was a chief player in his side's hard-fought draw. I will keep an eye of the Remycas goal leakage over the coming weeks, I expect it be mightily low.  Prestwich Heys did well to claw their way back into this and have all the makings of a team destined to have a good season.  In all areas they look equipped but for many years now I have thought the same thing and they always seem to come up just short.  There are several key players they need to keep hold of and make sure they start each and every game with great impetus.  The early season is the time to set out ones stall and make sure an impression is made - a good cup run can only help build the impetus and maintain a stronghold on the squads belief and unity - I shall be back down this ground real soon to see how things are going.

ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS (BAH)

2nd August 2022 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 1 v 1 Ashville FC - A visit to my local club and the only game I have pencilled in this opening month.  Father Time has dictated the terms, the calendar is full with a diverse mix that will see me pinging hither and tither and getting my gonads in knots.  I am a great believer in pissing on the static and not going through the expected motions, I am also a great believer in putting something back, hence these scribblings. I shall pick and choose reports this season again though and not overdose anyone on the same team assessments - one has to keep things as fresh as a babbies talcum powered chuff.

So, after a day that saw me get an absolute drenching on the way to work (it were ruddy lovely), a cycle home, quick tea and change, I arrived at the ground to catch up with a few familiar faces and take up the usual position with my good mate STP Stu.  The air was as damp as a vicar's brow during a Miss Topless Teacake Competition and the feeling of further precipitation was never far away. Talk was of music, the worldly mess and forthcoming matches that we may attend or miss due to being busy bastards.  Eventually we had only one game on our minds as the two teams for tonight's contest strode out onto the pitch.  Predictions were made - Stu was already 1-0 up on me this season and so I was looking to level matters with an educated, deeply thought out forecast - how matters transpired will be revealed come the end of this report. John D, Gareth and Sandra put in their predictions too, oh what fools we are!

The globe began to roll and the first battalion to raise a thrill were the hosts after No 7 (Daniel Byrnes) was unceremoniously tumbled.  The free-kick was shite and the fortuitous corner equally poor.  No 11 (Isidro Cata) was a bright spark during the drab opening throes and went on a strong run with a cross delivered that just lacked the sheen of accuracy.  Ashville were not at the races at all, they were playing a long ball over the top style that was becoming increasingly obvious to the resident rear ranks.  The guests eventually won a corner that was delivered with good pace but the home defence survived and the scoresheet remained as bare as the bonce of Telly Savalas.

The game continued, it was an affair as dull as the memoirs of Clement Freud (well, except for that chapter where he had a tumble with his much abused Bassett Hound - ooh the grubby bastard). The Nomads did raise the levels of excitement with a penalty shout but the referee was having none of it and all peckers and nipples of hope soon became flaccid again.

The Nomads were the busier side and looked to open the scoring account but with a bilge free-kick by their No 10 (Ryan Shenton) and a wild shot closer to the local chip shop than the goal by Cata, it looked a darn near certainty that the onion bag would remain unmolested.  Prior to the break a shot on goal did come.  No 3 (Kieran Alley) for the hosts had a chance to bulge meshing but his weak side foot shot went straight at the keeper who easily gathered.  This shot on goal though was too much for some.  A guy near me needed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation after the thrill overworked his ticker and an elderly bloke needed to be led away and have his sporting erection drained due to this zenith of footballing action. Two corners followed, fuck all was the result, it seemed as though that attempt on goal was indeed the pinnacle of a truly bilge first 45.

For the break several folk tried to form a suicide pact so as to avoid watching the second half.  Local prosthetic limb retailer John D actually plucked one of his eyes out and Space Cake enthusiast Sean EB decided to watch the following period through one eye so as to half the pain.

The teams came back out (boo, hiss), half two began (pass me the Mogadon) and this is what transpired.

A quick start was had, Nomads looked frisky (the half time sex talk by Chairman Gloria Gibbons had done the trick - 'play or be penetrated lads, you know the script').  After much hustle a sweet ball was played to Shenton who found space at the angle, picked his spot and sent the ball home with consummate ease - it was a well taken goal and just what the game needed.  Ashville were now the Zombies of Reaction, they came on, a sizzling cross was just dealt with before No 14 (Liam Davies) went on a fantastic run only to be bungled over on the edge of the box.  No 8 (Joshua Maldon) took the free-kick, the outcome was a mere few millimetres off target.

The Nomads were soon racing forth again, a low ball in was poked away, No 8 (Jordan Milne) arrived and sent forth an arse-wrecking howitzer, thankfully all rear ends stayed clear of the shot which was just deflected wide of the upright. The corner that came was another poor delivery, work it seems, is needed on these angled hoofings.

Ashville hustled, a cross saw No 2 (Craig Coates) for the hosts chest behind with the corner, once again, producing bugger all. The game had a slight trip back to the doldrums, little in the way of tit-tingling action arose as we entered the final 15 minutes.  The guests eventually began to work up a serious lather.  No 10 (Ben Greenop) had a punt deflected wide.  The ensuing angled kick saw the Cheadle chaps hang on by the skin of the scrotum before another foray forth saw the hosting defence not pay full attention to the globe, with Ashville's Greenop allowed to pop up and bury the equaliser. 

The closing stages were now hectic but no team could grab the bull by the balls and squeeze out any seeds of success.  A few wayward shots came but the full time whistle was blown and 1-1 seemed a fair result.  As for Man of the Match, I would opt for The No 3 (Kieran Alley) of Cheadle Heath Nomads who put in a fair stint, held his position well and in truth, should have bagged a goal.  

I pootled off homeward after the game, unimpressed by the night's events, I wasn't alone but thought John D's ravings about executing the entire Nomad's Board a trifle harsh.  Hey ho, the slump in sales of plastic legs is enough to make anyone feel tetchy.

FINAL THOUGHTS - For me, what we saw tonight were two teams not fully functioning, snuffing each other out and in a league of unpredictability and inconsistency.  Ashville FC seemed off the pace at first, not set up for a glut of goals and just too reliant on a breakaway goal.  Towards the latter stages, when their backs were against the wall, they were far more effective and bagged a strike, I can't help thinking if the same style would have been used for the full 90 minutes the 3 point prize would have been theirs.  Cheadle Heath Nomads began the season with high hopes and already, with 2 matches played, 4 points have been dropped at home.  I didn't attend the first game but reports were far from glowing, tonight I was left very much deflated.  I am sure things will come good but a few more early upsets and the season could be over before it gets started.  I am not due to be back at this ground until September, by then who knows what will be the state of play with these teams, the answers are blowin' in the wind, so sayeth Frederick Flatulence and the Rectal Rasping Crew.

NB - no one predicted tonight's score, in fact come the end no one gave a toss, it was that kind of night.