21st August 2017 - Maine Road 1 v 1 Abbey Hey - I haven't been well of late, some strange miasma has infected my entire physical and mental framework and I feel I am not the same man as I was a couple of weeks ago. I went to the doctors, he asked me of my symptoms and I duly listed them. A sporadic whistling in the ears, a violent lunging to one side with an outstretched arm or a sudden swing of the leg at an invisible object. To add to this I had a rare form of Tourettes syndrome that forced me to unexpectedly shout out various verbal enigmas such as 'Offside', 'Foul' and, perhaps most embarrassing' The referees a wanker'. The quack asked me of my bowel habits and when I revealed I was crapping 6 footballs a day a moment of 'eureka' illuminated his eyes. He took a blood test, it was 90% clubhouse tea and a stool sample was mainly made up of well-digested chips and chocolate bars. The diagnosis that followed was a pure formality - I had fallen victim to football fever, Non-league football fever to be exact, perhaps the most debilitating form known to man. The news was bad, there was no known cure although watching that shite premier league stuff could help one shake off the main symptoms of the real game itself. I didn't know what to do and was in a state of disbelief, especially after the Doc insisted on a rectal examination without wearing gloves - in truth I never wear gloves when I am having my arse checked so I shouldn't grumble. I left the surgery downcast, came home and went immediately to the fixture list. 3 games were noted, I decided to ignore medical advice and after a quick 2 ball crap I got dressed and headed to Brantingham Road for another necessary fix. Two local sides were on show and plenty of other plague victims were in attendance - as an aside, the game went like this.
The familiar trill of the whistle came, this FA cup replay was under way - the start was equally competitive on a chip pan surface nicely kissed by the late summer mists. Abbey Hey had the initial upper hand with a passing game that was slightly more fluent than their opponents who were steaming hard but yet to find any cohesion. An early free-kick by the guests was deflected over with the corner producing a nut goalward but off target. Intent exposed and The Road were inspired to counter with several follow-up breaks, the best of which saw their No 7 weave and let fly a shot which forced the keeper to stand firm and make a routine but effective save. From the corner the pressure was upheld with the ever-ready No 8 (Matthew Morgan) doing his usual efficient and mightily effective dashing around the park. The game soon re-balanced though but Road's high defensive position was making matters difficult for their opponents with very little light at the end of a mizzled tunnel. Out of the murk the home crew came again, Matthew Morgan was the beneficiary of a free-kick which he duly struck with looping class only to be denied by a marvelous save from a keeper on his toes. The ball hit the post, hung in suspended animation before being hoofed clear by a defending chap determined to relieve the ranks. Minutes later a sexy flick and cross saw No 8 have the chance to shoot but it was a tame finish. A follow-up shot had more wellie yet only found the filthy murk rather than the back of the mesh.
The game started to bubble up, Road's Morgan was in again, a shot and save the result, Abbey Hey responded, a sugar-sweet free-kick was flying into the corner and from out of the blue a world class save was executed with an outreaching mitt just denying the golden goal. A stunning moment. The resultant corner was a peach, alas every bonse missed it but luckily a ricochet bounded over and the hosts could breathe a sigh of relief. Another thumping shot came before the break, low and firm but Road's guardian of the mesh was equal to it. End to end stuff ensued, some real swift breaks had that just lacked the final assassins stroke - the ref blew, somehow we were all square at the break.
A decent half and me and my comrade, STP Stu, mulled over the match whilst quaffing a fine cup of cha' - by heck it goes darn well!
An up-tempo start, a mis-judged ball by a Road bod was latched onto by Hey's No 10 who took full advantage and thundered toward goal. A quick pull back and a slippery surface combined to concoct an in-box foul and lo and behold a penalty strike was given. Harsh perhaps, unlucky for sure but No 8 (Sam Freakes) of Abbey Hey showed no mercy and thumped the ball home with great aplomb - he looked quite pleased with himself as he ran back to his own half. The pace now quickened, Road were in a shit or bust situation. They picked up well, a corner was connected with but had no wallop, several balls in caused chaos but didn't fall right and a handball shout was even backed up by the distant netman which was to no avail and came with a touchline response of him 'having better eyes than a kestrel'. Classic. More Road pressure saw the solid Hey's keeper punch clear with authoritative sanguinity before impetus was broken after two absolutely dire free-kicks. A foul on a Hey's player brought another comedic off-pitch shout to the referee which informed him that 'cataract operations are quite simple these days', ha, ha - choice indeed.
Time now ticked, the visitors were getting pushed back when from the gloomy depths the legs of Road's Jack Poxon came into contact with the ball, set about a surge then let loose one almighty punt. All eyes looked on, the keeper lunged with all his might - too late squire, the scorcher was unstoppable and a great goal leveled this one in magnificent style. A net rippling beauty - applause and hollers were justifiably generous. Road now heaved with intent, a shot went just wide, a brace of corners were too low to cause consternation and then Hey's No 10 exposed sound strength, made room and released - the shot was underfed and the legs of the sprawling keeper did their bit. A last gasp from both squads came and the ref finally blew - crikey, this is a tough one, extra time it is.
A brief rest (for the players that is) and we were in the additional period. Road had an early corner that was efficiently nutted clear, the looping shot put back was just over - promising indeed. Another tear up for the Blues, silky smooth and finalised with a shot - again an assured save was made. The fast action was incessant, long punts, midfield mania and flung bodies - all we needed was a further goal. The ball was moving at speed and players were now getting tired and overreaching, the result of this was a midfield clash that looked quite innocuous. The Road player got up and dusted himself down the Hey bod lay prostrate and looked to be making a meal of matters, Not so, the injury, as it transpired, was a serious one and after several minutes delay an ambulance was called and the game was abandoned. Thoughts turned to the player's welfare and all one could wish was that he was given the best treatment and helped to make a speedy recovery. A disappointing end that put things into perspective and I am sure everyone's best wishes are with the clattered player. Good luck Adam Hampshire - see you on a pitch soon squire. Man of the Match is a difficult one as it was a hustle and bustle affair with much good work thrown in. For me the No 8 for Abbey Hey (Sam Freakes) looked cultured, controlled and always had a little extra time on the ball - always a sign of quality. The penalty was icing on the cake and a sign of a calm interior that was very much needed on a hectic night.
FINAL THOUGHT - Only a fool would place a bet on the replay between these two teams because, on tonight's evidence, there is less between these teams then the space found between the crack of Fatima Whitbread's arse cheeks. They are perfectly matched in each and every department, pace wise, commitment wise and talent wise - this is a match made for the bookmakers and if you must have a punt then may the Devil puncture your rear with his trident of indecision and help your money disappear in the great void that is there to teach thee a lesson. I hope I can get to the re-match and we get more of the same intriguing action but most of all I hope, all is played in the right spirit, remains injury free and Adam Hampshire is fighting fit mighty soon and play's his part in a pure thriller.
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