30th September 2017 - Chadderton FC 2 v 2 Holker Old Boys - The last match of the month was a welcome blessing as I have been rushed off my tootsies lately and needed a good entertaining respite to relax the carcass. Chadderton entertained me mightily well during my last footballing excursion and so another dose was highly anticipated. Their guests today were Holker Old Boys, a team who hail from Barrow and who have a ground I regard as one of my favourites. A real 'off the beaten track' location and close to some good wildlife hot-spots - a veritable bonus in this household. So with morning chores done, dinner consumed and testicles, spectacles, watch and wallet all safely gathered in, myself and grand lady set out on our jaunt (I don't own a wallet by the way, neither do I have a watch and my spectacles are always smudged but my testicles are still swinging where they ought to be - thank goodness). Arriving in good time we sat in the car and let the downpour slow down and then partook of refreshments whilst warming our cockles. We took up our seats in the cold air (thank goodness I was wearing my Danny La Rue thermalised nut cup), pondered the outcome and cast our perceiving orbs on a contest that turned out something like this.
The rain fell, the teams got stuck in and after early warning signals were emitted from a thrusting home team No's 7 (Luke Heron), 10 (Leon Iluobe) and 11 (Christopher Pauley) produced a mouth-watering move of the highest calibre that dissected the guest's defence and allowed the aforementioned Iluobe to tap home with control. It opened the vaults of a game that looked certain to produce more strikes - the digits were crossed. Within a brace of minutes the HOB rear line was cracked open again as some honeyed play saw No 9 (Vincent Howell) finalise matters with a shot that needed a sturdy save to keep the HOB scoresheet free of further harm. Another Chaddy attack soon came, a stunning long ball from No 3 (Dale Minor) was collared in the far corner by his colleague who, weaved in, beat his marker and thumped against the side netting - it was the wrong choice for sure. Immediately the visiting bunch conjured up their first proper break. A cross was lumped in and boom went the ball as Robbie Wallace made good contact and found the target sought. It was a clinical and unexpected outcome - 1 goal apiece, the game was aflame.
Onwards we went with Chadderton producing some exquisite play via Iluobe who raced forth and looked set to create further chaos. Alas he found no reward as his end cross was nothing short of atrocious. Within the blinking of an optic orb the same bod broke again, 3 players were jigged through and a shot came making the gloved guardian produce a solid stop. A corner followed, a chance came and a toe poked netward - another block on the line was the result with a follow up crack quite tame. Applause for the good football though and when Pauley and Howell combined and a cross came for Heron to connect with, a gasp went up as the upright was quivered and another golden goal was just missed. The Holker Old Boys were showing good resistance, their No 10 (John Paul Stanway) was working hard and helped cultivate an opportunity for his team to hurl in a few shots. No success was had but the response was admirable. Iluobe for Chadderton tried a long ranger and although the bend was fair, the keeper made a regulation save without breaking sweat. The host team were switching the ball well, the travelers were looking for a quick cobra strike at any vulnerable area. Equilibrium came, both units were labouring with steam and out of the mix a long shot from the home No 5 (James Dwyer) was ambitious and ended up being closer than one first imagined. Pauley for Chadderton was vocal in his desperation for more ball action (oh the naughty man) and when he duly received the begged for globe he nutmegged his marker and tried a cheeky close-in flick. It was an horrid attempt as was his 'outside the box' effort soon after, tame and lacking any direction. At the death the Old Boys could have snatched the halfway lead when a ball was squeezed forward and the opposing goalkeeper had to be quick to avert peril. The mitter got there but the ball went loose, luckily a defender beat the striker and all things remained equal. The ref blew - a fine half I thought, and my good lady agreed.
Tea was needed, it went down mighty well. We had stuffed our chocolate during the first half - bah, damn that Northern Willy Wonka for moving his factory to Royton. Note to self - 'Next time an Umpa Lumpa tries it on with me, give him the cold shoulder' - darn sexpots they are!
The teams re-appeared, Chadderton were soon at the throats of the challengers with Minor tossing in another long ball and Iluobe thwacking a shot that was deflected wide. A corner came and nowt was doing but the same team came again soon after when Iluobe got the rub of the green, crossed to Heron who just dragged his shot wide of the vertical. The next goal looked on the cards, the visiting squad came down the wing via their No 3 (Joshua Woodend) who passed to the flame haired No 7 (Tyler Spence). The dude duly chased, caught and provided and when No 8 (Nathan Reid) struck and hit the upright Chadderton were almost heard to breathe a heavy sigh of relief. Both teams were still trying to play pure football, with quick feet, keen eyes and avid alertness the order of the day. Reid of HOB was worthy of a mention at this stage due to his strong teste rupturing work effort that was inspiring his team to plough deep. Chadderton though make opponents earn their crust and they were soon rampaging forth again forcing the No 1 (Harry Copeland) to get down quick and smother a shot. Holker responded with a free-kick which was duly hammered and deflected - it was a good job the keeper was awake and parried. A corner followed but a lucky Chadderton break was had and a cross chucked in. Iluobe floated into space and let his noggin do the talking with the net found and the lead restored much to the delight of his colleagues.
From here the Old Boys cultivated the next pop at goal but No 6 (Bradley Hubbold) was rushed and seemingly using the wrong peg - he hoofed over and disappointment was blatant. Chadderton had the next effort when Howell sublimely flicked and No 4 (Dominic Welsby) tried an adventurous volley. Boom, bang, bollocks - the bulls-eye was never under threat. Now the home birds were like hungry starlings swooping in a flock, the away flock like thoughtful falcons looking to swoop in and gain a quick kill. Fascinating stuff indeed, this one was far from done and dusted. Suddenly, from the rain soaked mire things leveled out, no team took command and after Iluobe was denied 3 goal glory the opposition raced up the other end with No 12 (Brandon Collins) in space and looking to release. He dawdled and was tackled, it was a chance that could have produced so much more. Chadderton now seemed to lose shape and become a trifle ragged, Holker Old Boys displayed dogged desire and when they slipped through a ball for No 14 (Nathan McHugh) to chase it was a situation of striker v keeper to decide the match. The frontman got there first, he stayed cool under pressure and squared the contest with a nicely taken strike. 5 minutes were left, Chadderton now called upon their dregs of energy, a few balls came forth, one was nutted down and a volley followed. It looked set for a stealer but flew inches wide. More home pressure came, corner in, shot and a deflection followed by another corner that came to nothing and was met by the final whistle. It was a scurrying finish to a good contest and both teams should be congratulated on the style and commitment. I am picking No 10 (John-Paul Stanway) of Holker Old Boys for the Man of the Match today as he was a problematic customer who read the game well, had a good balance of speed, passing ability and off the ball thought and contributed highly to his team getting something out of a tricky encounter.
FINAL THOUGHT - My thoughts of today's teams are as thus, forgive the comparisons I make. Chadderton are like a porn star with a prostrate problem in as much as they move with style, raise many a thrill and catch the eye of the beholder with their silky seductive style but, several times within a contest, just lack the ability to fully penetrate the orifice of their victim and save them from getting fully rogered. Holker Old Boys bring to mind a pair of Long Dong Silver's underpants in the fact that they hold much promise, throb with a desire to play an eye-catching game and when inflated with passion are quite difficult to get down, the improvement needed is a little more tightness in the rear end. Personal thoughts of course but one thing is for sure - if you want to watch two teams that are pleasing on the eye and are destined to be involved in quality contest after quality contest then look no further than these two - the clouds may have leaked hard throughout but there was much soccerised sunshine to keep the spirits afloat - thanks chaps.
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