4th November 2017 - Irlam FC 2 v 3 Runcorn Town FC - The eve of Bonfire Night, a commercial con that has the masses burning an effigy of Guy Fawkes and sending an abundance of money up into the sky to burst apart in a mocking multi-coloured flash. What madness pervades and hey, surely anyone who wants to blow up the Houses of Parliament deserves a better deal than having his conkers roasted - how about buying the fella a pint or two? Anyway, rather than ponse about a commercial blaze and watch many a damp squib, myself and my good lady were looking for one or two dazzling fireworks on the pitch of the Ambitek Stadium where 2 teams were set to ignite a tussle that had me dripping at the jowls. The home squad are a tough nut to tackle on their own turf and the visitors are on a consistent roll and have their eyes on nothing less than the first prize. This should be a beauty, unlike Betty Turpin who used to frequent the Rover's Return and who I consider a bit of a beast - cripes, fancy waking up to that after a night on the sherry, one can almost feel the todger wither. I doth jest though, she seemed like a nice lady and despite having swastikas tattooed on her nipples it gives me no right to judge her appearance - I shall always strive to be...anti-prejudice. And to the match, we came, we were cooled, we chatted with some lovely Runcorn lasses, we slurped tea and munched snacks and we witnessed this.
As a slight drizzle fell, the teams came out. The whistle was blown and the start was balanced with both units cancelling each other out during the initial throes of the game. Runcorn were the first to have a chance with No 7 (Joseph Holt) providing No 10 (Craig Cairns) who duly fired low and hit the keepers protective carcass. Within the twinkling of a hopeful eye No 2 (Shaun Dowling) tried his luck with a similar punt and saw the ball fly low and slowly sneak in by the post beneath the late flying body of the keeper. It looked like an error from the last man, the advantage given to the guest was put on a golden platter and served with a sparkling 'have a bonus' card - what a gift. This proved to be a rocket up the Irlam rectum and fiery attitude was displayed in response. No 7 (Marcus Perry) and No 2 (Macauley Harewood) were two noteworthy bods who pushed on with pride and passion, and it was the former player who found himself with the ball, put in a cross and allowed No 3 (Joel Amado) to nip in and tap home to level the game. What a fine goal and a concrete confidence builder if ever I saw one. Now it was Runcorn's turn to expose hefty gonads of desire and it was their Captain Cairns who led the way, hustling, harassing and hunting and eventually supplying a cross that whizzed across the face of goal - alas all takers were absent. Up the other end and superb work by the blue No 10 (Connor Martin) saw a corner earned. The ball was hoofed in, a few wild swings were had before No 11 (Daniel Green) had a definite crack at goal, the ball was only inches off the mark. Irlam came yet again, hunger and a high work rate saw No 4 (Liam Morrison) win a tackle, hammer a shot and force the keeper to make a quite impressive stop. The ensuing corner was easily dealt with.
A lull now came in the tempo, Irlam started to sponge up Runcorn's increasing advances. The guests were scurrying like rats in a kebab shop, Irlam were as resistant as Mother Theresa's chastity belt - where would the next crack be exposed. The answer was soon given as a fine long ball found Amado on the wing, who sweetly knocked in a cross that allowed a touch on to No 9 (Jordan Icely) to slap home. A cracking move and well taken at the last, what a game this was. Irlam came once more with Perry cutting in and banging hard. The ball flew over but the thinking was spot on. Another shot flew forth soon after, this time by Greene. It was an ambitious effort and missed the hit-zone but hey, the squad were on a roll, why the hell not take a chance or two? From here Runcorn pushed, Irlam saw the half out in a professional and tidy manner, the game was perfectly poised for an uplifting second half.
A cup of cha' was needed and so we went and made the purchase. I wet my whistle and was quite relieved when the referee didn't turn up to blow it - I am a married man tha' knows, I have standards. Zipped up and sipping the northern nectar myself and my grand lady went and parked our rears, we were looking forward to more of the same.
Part 2 and after Runcorn's No 9 (Mark Reed) and Irlam's No 5 (Steven Mills) had indulged in a bit of Strictly Come Dancing the first punt of the half came to the visiting No 8 (Thomas Crawford) who was wild and off-line but who, gave impetus upon which his side built. The Town rushed with rabid urgency and Irlam needed to step up their own labour rate to stem a potential tide. Runcorn suddenly won a corner from nothing and the ball was put in, put out and returned. The netman grabbed but fumbled and, like a pervert on a porn mag, Craig Cairns jumped at the chance and tapped up the loose globe. 2 goals apiece, the goal magnet was at it again, give him and inch and your trousers will be down and the balls will go flying in (do not read too much into my description, I do not want another visit to court). Another shot from Runcorn came, the goalkeeper needed to grab low, a striker hoped for another sniff, suspicions of a foot left in came, the mitter was prostrate, the language from the bench had the potential to curdle a nun's breastmilk - pass me the earplugs. Irlam now called upon reservoirs of spirit, a brace of corners was the result, no joy and then at the other end Cairns was away. He held the ball and crossed, up popped Reed at the far post and nutted forth, the side netting seemed to be hit, darn these ruddy glasses, it was a goal and the game had been turned upside down - what a comeback, and what clinical finishing by this high flying unit.
Irlam now had to respond, their No 8 (Matthew Boland) latched onto the globe and let loose a sizzler. The ball rose too much but it sent out decent warning signals. Next and the referee needed to give the Irlam bench a talking to and the home lads switched off. The Runcorn free-kick that followed saw Cairns volley, luckily for the hosts he didn't fully connect and the ball was safely gathered in. We were now in the last stretch, Runcorn thrusted, Cairns won a midfield ball, passed to Holt who laid off for Greene to fire. The save was tidy but the ball came back out to Holt. He had time and space, he fired and blazed over - that was a bad one mate, could your team live to regret it. No 17 (Craig Jones) had another crack for The Town soon after, the goalie saved and released. Irlam were striving to get a leveller and No 16 (Malachi Slavin) had a hopeful knock and was only inches off target. The last seconds ticked away into the past, the final whistle came, somehow Runcorn had done the business, for me it was all down to persistence and a clinical execution that Albert Pierrepoint would have been proud of. Man of the Match goes to Runcorn Town's No 11 (Kevin Exell) who was substituted late on and walked off ragged, filthy and with a gut busted. This physical state reflected his eye-catching commitment and non-stop desire to get stuck in, I think this helped his team no end and assisted in giving them a win on a day they were put into a grafting mire. Good on ya son.
FINAL THOUGHT - On reflection I feel as though Irlam should not have lost this as they had more of the play, had many good performances and had the game by the scruff of the neck. Their undoing was the fact that Runcorn play at full tempo for 90 minutes, chase every ball and show a fantastic commitment and run their opponents legs into the ground. I felt as though during the last 20 minutes Runcorn looked as fresh as daisies and Irlam looked heavy legged. This was a bloody good contest though and it will be interesting to see the outcome next time these two teams meet. Both are quality crews, both are always a joy to watch and each has a ground that is always a pleasure to visit. The key for both squads is keeping their players so as to build a unity and a consistency, if this happens Runcorn will be wearing a much sought after crown at the end of the season and Irlam will be pissing on many teams chips both home and away...mmmm chips, crikey, after today's events I could ruddy well thrash a bag - (PS thrashing a bag is not a euphemism for masturbating, I just wanted to clear that one up). Here's to the next one.
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