6th August 2018 - Sandbach Utd 3 v 0 Cheadle Heath Nomads - A midweek pootle with the weather set dry (what's new) and the temperature set warm (they didn't mention the nob-nipping wind). I had been off work today, been for a cycle, caught up with a few bugs and ran over a small dog that burst out of nowhere like a fart from a straining sphincter. The dog was fine, the owners apologetic, and so was I (on both counts). The afternoon was spent catching up, doing an interview for RSPB Stafford, sorting some wildlife photo's, listening to a bit of proto-punk (The Sonics and The Monks) and pondering about getting a new tattoo on me arse - I was tossing up between a nude Cliff Richard on a pogo-stick or a 'Barry Chuckle was a Glue-Sniffer' slogan just to be controversial. After taking my recent batch of head meds I decided to abandon both ideas and spend my money on a 'Dickie Davies Touched Me T-Shirt'. My wife says I'll get in trouble one day, but as I always say, I can plead insanity as good as the man in the adjoining rubber room. So, my lady came home, we got sorted, we headed on down to the ground and arrived with time to slurp and jaw wag with some decent folk. I had no idea how this one would go, I have lost my touch over the summer, in fact I never had it so here is the report free of any embarrassing predictions. Positions taken, tea finished, ball rotating - and...GO!
The commencement had plenty of fizz, the hosts were up for this after their season opening shock loss and so ran with gusto and chased every ball like a testicle-obsessed nut doctor (I have known a few tha' knows). The first opportunity to bust netting came via the home heads with a smart threaded ball finding the feet of the dashing No 6 (Ryan Allcock) who unfortunately dragged disappointingly wide. A stature grew in the hearts of the Sandbachians, The Nomadic 'erberts needed to stay solid and most importantly, calm. A eye-catching move came via the SB squad yet again, No 10 (Kieran Garner-Knapper) finalised matters with a low shot but the visiting keeper sprawled well and conceded the corner rather than the goal. The corner was wasted but Sandbach were rolling hard and No 11 (Michael Blundell) was certainly a pesky customer who needed special attention. Several gratis punts were won, somehow Cheadle managed to keep the goalmouth unmolested but the players were getting tetchy with their disarray - a creeping stress that was surely not going to help matters.
Allcock and No 7 (Josh Lane) were next to advance at the Linotype pack with quality link up play leading to a defensive panic that saw the ball belted behind. A brace of corners came, the one way traffic continued, No 9 (James Kirby) chanced his shank but was over eager and blazed high. The guests were living on a knife edge and soon after the blade was brandished with spiteful intent and an assassin move saw Kirby stay collected in the box and coolly lift the ball over the diving mitttman and break the most frustrating deadlock. The goal had been coming, there had only been one team in this, it was a justifiable strike. In the dregs of the half Kirby broke again but was thwarted by the keeper's feet and at the very last a Nomads free-kick was chucked high whereupon the keeper fumbled and brought a roar of hope from the guest bench. The gloved one recovered (just) and into the dressing room his side went, perhaps unlucky to be only one goal ahead.
My missus and I took shelter from a nipping wind. My nipples were getting angry, we supped tea and shared a Lion Bar - my nipples were happier.
The second half began with The Nomads ablaze and playing with a gratifying urgency that indicated desperate desire - those half-time verbal laxatives were certainly doing the trick. Despite being under the early cosh, Sandbach had the first chances via Garner-Knapper who flashed one right across the goal face and Kirby who had an off-centre lob. A free-kick soon after was dealt with and the Nomads broke. A superb cross was hammered in via No 10 (Liam Millen), the final touch was just missed, unlucky indeed. A great passing sequence was cultivated by the traveling squad, a corner was the reward, a corner that was duly wasted. A few crosses followed, recipients were late on arrival but the fight back was applaudable and the home side had their hands full maintaining their precarious advantage. A penalty shout soon after was hopeful but a strong run from the guest No 2 (Liam Danaher) held more promise and a foul was forced. The free-kick brought a corner, Sandbach mopped up and broke - Kirby was galloping, No 7 (Craig Coates) for Cheadle in hot pursuit. The defensive tackle put in was a stunner, if points were going to be gained for Cheadle this was a moment to remember.
From here a few subs and bookings came, verbals overran and crosses came at both ends in a game that was now truly aflame. Cheadle's No 15 (Danny Browne) was effective since gracing the greenery and had a shot that just lacked killer contact - promising though, promising! This frisky encounter now moved into the back end depths (ooh heck, I am sure there is something homo-erotic in that statement). 2 Nomadic free-kicks came, but like an amputee postman, the quality of the deliveries were shite. Suddenly from the wrong end of the shit stick Kirby for Sandbach found space, turned, twatted and tingled the digits of the man between the sticks. It was a warning, a warning not heeded and after Cheadle had a minor chance Kirby came forward, spied the slightest glimpse of goal and slotted home like a seasoned pro (no not a whore dipped in herbs). It was a kidney punch for the side on the receiving end, and as they battled back and tried to salvage something from a match that was slipping through their grasp another break was had, Kirby was the man once again leading the charge and, just before the final whistle fractured the night air, he bagged his personal hat-trick and killed the game stone dead. The game was up, farewells had, the Man of the Match was undoubtedly the Sandbach United No 9 (James Kirby) who scored three but more importantly put in an outstanding stint and even when not in possession, he ran like a good un' and put the visiting defense under severe pressure - a fine example to all.
FINAL THOUGHT - A game of 2 halves, the first seeing the Linotypers get a real wake up call and get run ragged and shown that this league has teams in it that will certainly be no push over. Incredibly, after a 45 minute drubbing they only conceded one goal but, after a complete turnaround in the second half that displayed fine spirit, they conceded two - oh ye perverse footballing Gods, are we just mortals to be eternally discombobulated by your dabblings? This scoreline was I thought good for both sides insomuch as it showed the visitors that not getting out of the traps quick enough and only playing with sharp cohesion for the second half is not good enough and will undoubtedly lead to disaster, For Sandbach it was a good bounce back after a recent upset and certainly gets them to the team they want to be. We are still in the early days, it is important to get the points building and avoid that yanking pressure that can ruin a season before it has even started. One the way home we listened to some Talking Heads - the road to nowhere is an unforgiving bastard, I all should take note and buckle in for the journey ahead.
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