THREE POINTS BLOWN OR ONE POINT GAINED

19th October 2026 - Maine Road 3 v 3 Garstang FC - The weekend had flown by, it was a mush of fungi mania, gathering nettle stings in parts left unmentioned and striving to catch up.  I squeezed a footy game in, the report will be submitted to 'Where's The Bar' Magazine for an article - it is good to do one's bit.  Today I was out and about again, then spent the afternoon on the microscope sorting many outstanding fungal specimens.  Tea and the good lady and I headed out, arrived at the ground and after grabbing a coffee chose a perch. Minutes later the game was on and I was letting the nib roam over the paper.

A net delay and then a brisk start with a spectacle of urgent central scurrying.  First shot of the game came after the home No 11 (Siraj Hussein) was out wide and worked inwards with a low shot lacking in gumption and too easy for the keeper.  No 9 (Weslie Bajraliu) had a pop at the other end, the outcome was similar as was No 8's (Lewis Royle) dig for the hosts.  Crikey, I could hardly keep up.  No sooner had I noted these initial incidents then Bajraliu had another wallop that packed more 'oomph' but was void of keeper-confounding direction.  

 

The first corner came after Garstang pestered, pilfered and applied pressured.  The result was a ball delivered with too much uplift and easily dealt with. As the guests galloped forth MR broke with a delicious long ball gathered by the darting Hussein who outpaced his markers, negotiated the keeper and sent the spherical object home - ah the sweet simplicity of it all.  No sooner had the lead been bagged and the night was looking promising for the powder-blue clad team than their No 7 (Franck Haba) played a back pass that saw the keeper make a dubious touch which let No 11 (Liam Painter) nip in, snaffle and send the globe homeward.  

 

2 goals already witnessed, the game was looking like it would produce many more as both teams played with good pace, a certain openness and a willingness to press on. Hussein cracked another one off (no, not in that way) and the visiting No 1 (Joe Lawton) put in a firm save.  After a Garstang free-kick No 10 (Brandon Carrington) whacked one over and then Maine Road had a couple more advances with no further impressions made on the scoresheet.

 

A somewhat dry period ensued, with MR making most of the running whilst Garstang remained tight in the rear (akin in fact to the anal appendages of a sexual scuba-diver - nowt worse than going for a dip with a gaping vent tha' knows).  The composed No 6 (Calvin Harper) for the hosts however nearly snuck in but just lacked a bit of pace and then, mere seconds later, the same bod used sharp feet, was unceremoniously tumbled and won a penalty.  The same chap stepped up, took his time and swung the shank.  The outcome - 2 - 1 to the hosts and from here they continued to push with the Garstangians striving to maintain a foothold.

 

The half flew by, Bajraliu for the guests latched onto a ball that the hosts lost but the shot that came went off the mark and really should have been the leveller.  Before the break Road’s Harper displayed a good footballing brain, played the ball to Hussein who looked all set to fire home but a bobble came and the globe was hammered into the great bleak beyond.  Time for a stretch and some choccy.

 

A nefarious chill seemed to be creeping closer and hellbent of crystallising the gentle areas of we fine people. It was getting to that time of year with the willy of winter bared and ready to stiffen up and freeze the chuffs of any poorly dressed and unprepared pillocks.  Note to me and the good lady - to get the midgets we keep in a shed at the bottom of the garden to get knitting some radioactive thermals.

 

Half two, Garstang were all action, Maine Road were the great absorbent ones (just like those special pants one needs after a night on the piss in Iceland).  The home entity of eleven came on, Hussein received, a shot followed, the wood was wobbled, the ball was there for both teams to deal with, Garstang were rooted, up popped the blue clad Hussein to guide the ball home and give his squad an all-important 2 goal cushion.  It was a goal against the initial second half flow but... they all count!

 

Maine Road were now looking cushy whereas Garstang offered the odd threat but were denied by several offsides and poor end passes.  A few handball claims were ignored, The Road rallied, had a few corners, one of which resulted in a header from the mush that just wouldn't stay on target.  Garstang worked away, No 8 (Liam Entwistle) picked up the ball, put in a cross which Bajraliu was on the end of.  The player in possession fired, the bar was hit and the ball went dead.  

 

Free-kicks came each way and Road's No 4 (Blerti Jacaj) put cranium on a corner ball from mere feet from the strike zone but couldn't keep his effort below the bar.  As the minutes ticked by the visitors hung on and looked to design a dissection of the opposing defensive body.  The tools of execution were sorely lacking and it did look as though the 3 point bonus was staying at Brantingham Road.  The last 10 minutes came, Garstang pushed, Bajraliu was in and there to grab a goal that would offer renewed hope but the resident No 1 (Liam Sergent) was down to save.  The ball was sent partially away, Entwistle gathered, turned, shot and found the bottom corner - now this was an interesting turn up.

 

The hands of the clock would not wait, the focus of the trailing team needed to be 100% to gain anything from this game.  Maine Road were guilty of getting pushed back, a ball was played forth, a chest on and Entwistle was floored.  Despite a dispute a penalty kick was awarded and No 17 (Noah Hindley) strolled up and coolly levelled the game - by crikey, what a comeback!  

 

The rear end of the game was exposed, Garstang posed a couple of threats but the MR ranks survived with the keeper called into action and just doing enough to spare further blushes.  The game ended soon after, a real enjoyable affair with many players worthy of a Man of the Match nod.  No 2 (Joe Lynchey) for Maine Road was my choice though - a fizzing bee with a good energy level, a constant willingness to be involved and always keeping the opposition wary and thoughtful - have a cup of Honey-Tinted Castrol GTX on me.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS - And yet another jaunt to one of my favoured haunts and another good game of unpredictable events.  I shall sum up both teams in one sweeping analysis due to the fact they are similar in many ways.  Both play with the full pitch used, they have an attacking style and both have potential to hammer a team on any given day.  Alas both teams also have the potential to squander points and have a knack to play the wrong ball at the wrong time and throw away real killer opportunities.  The last few seasons have been tough for these squads, I suspect end positions may be a little higher this time but, the players need to retain belief and when the chance arises to take a game by the conkers and squeeze out the full-on victory, it must be taken.  I reckon a mid-table finish for both would be something to build on but, this is a right capricious league with many hungry sides – as per, only the strong, the consistent and, the fortunate will survive. 

JUST BUDE-IFUL

10th October 2026 - Hayle AFC 2 v 3 Bude Town FC - A fine morning was spent clambering through some undergrowth, down a cliff and onto Stackhouse Bay.  Rockpooling was a joy and although we missed a few species the sun shone, we saw some fine specimens and stretched the legs. A nip into Hayle was grand, a coffee, a couple of shops we know were popped in and I picked up 3 Halloween films on DVD for the princely sum of £3.  Bargain.

Time was of the essence so we cracked on and arrived at the ground in good time to grab another brew and find a viewing spot. I noted a few blooms, 2 species of butterfly and a couple of birds and then got the notebook ready and the tip of the nib exposed - ooh mother - splash that ink baby!

A Small White (Pieris rapae) flew by as the ball got rolling - a lepidopteran cum football twisted omen perhaps as the visiting bunch were clad in white - cue Twilight Zone music.  From the off Hayle won an immediate corner which was hoofed with too much welly and soon after the No 8 (Callum Sidwell) forced the issue and had a pop at goal that went straight at the keeper.  The hosts applied a good squeeze whilst Bude scrambled and hoofed much to their hopping manager's disgruntlement.  The guests slowly gained some ground, No 10 (Billy Hopcroft) was released but his shot went off-line due to a desperate defensive nudge.  A free-kick was given, the shot came, a few 'handball' shouts rent the clement airspace but the referee was disinterested and waved 'play on'.

Bude grew into the game with noticeable effort and started to test the mettle of the opposing rear. Hopcroft let fly after the defensive ranks backed off.  The shot was well struck but just lacking in true direction.  As Bude tried to worm a clear cut chance Hayle gathered and broke.  At the apex was No 10 (Aaron Hicks) who received, made a snippet of space and let fly.  The ball stayed low, the keeper dove and stretched a limb but the ball squeezed by and nestled in the corner of the strike zone - a very nice take indeed albeit against the flow somewhat.

From here Hayle pressed again, No 8 (Callum Sidwell) was looking to nip in but the travelling mitter was their to quell the threat.  The home 'erberts looked for the next goal with increasing purpose but were too easily caught offside on a couple of occasions.  All that was needed was a little 'up-front' composure.  The Bude No 19 (Piran Friend) however was next to rise from the hustle with good tootsies shown that resulted in a tumble.  No 9 (Ray Spear) took the free-kick, picked his spot and sent the ball into the top corner with a quite sumptuous strike - we were back to all square,  this was becoming more intriguing by the minute.

Bude now pushed on, No 7 (Harrison Swatton) was out wide, a high cross was met by the pate of Spear whose close in header was safely gathered.  The half raced on, there was little between these teams with a goal before half-time greatly sought.  Bude swept forth again, Swatton's end shot was too high and left many travellers disappointed.  No 5 (Harry Hopcroft) had a dig soon after and was closer to the target zone but still off the mark.  The guests were finishing the first 45 with a flourish, but could not find a way through.  A handball plea was urgent and voluble but after a discussion between the officials a free kick was given which was bunged over the horizontal timber.  The break was upon us, all level, perfectly balanced.

A wander, a piddle and a brew - by heck I could have thrashed some chips.  We took up the same positions with the weather still kind but a slight chill nipping in.  Having soggy feet from the rockpooling wasn't helping but hey, better to have crabs nibbling my tootsies than crabs elsewhere.

From the off Bude were keen with No 8 (Nathan Colley) letting fly a rasper-jasper that the keeper was behind.  An injury break came, the player was soon up again and as matters unfolded Hayle were gradually getting squeezed back and shown a brandished cosh of peril.  A quick move for the Town saw some swift and sharp passing with No 6 (Jake Woodland) finalising with a wayward shot.  The local lads eventually gained possession and broke.  No 7 (Aiden Murphy) bounded away, a touch and a shot followed with the upright clattered and left in a state of 'tremble' - unlucky.  

A Starling landed nearby, he looked a trifle perished, ooh the delicate southern bugger.  A nip was in the air but nothing critical at all and as the balanced game unfolded I was warmed by the effort being poured in and the continued passion.  A free-kick for Hayle after Sidwell was felled.  No 4 (Joe Carlyon) stepped up but could only post a pea roller at the keeper.  

Time advanced in this tight contest.  Bude won a corner - it was short and shit, just like Ronnie Corbett, I believe.  Another Bude progression, the home keeper came and a player was clattered, the referees arm was raised and a digit was pointing to the penalty spot.  Spear took responsibility and delivered a low and easy strike that found the back of the bag - the onus was now all on the shoulders of the hosts.

Into the arse-end splutterings, Hayle just weren't doing enough to create any great panic in the opposition's back line.  No 4 (James Wheeler) for the guests was exemplary and mopped up many loose balls and dealt with any danger in a cool and calculated manner.  No 11 (Kieran Rennard) for Hayle came on but the aforementioned back bod was there again and doing his bit.  The time wasted away like the cock-end of a far gone leper.  Hayle pushed, Bude broke, a sweeping sortie with No 11 (Tiga Olaosebikan) thrusting through and bagging a goal to bring up a 2 goal cushion and certainly cementing an away win.

With only 2 revolutions on the clock left Hayle refused to roll over and give in.  A ball entered the Bude box, chances were lost before No 18 (Joe Day) gathered, stayed composed and fired home.  From the kick off there was no time for a further attack and that was that.  We agreed that if there was another 5 minutes on the clock the game could have ended quite differently but Bude deserved this (just) and Man of the Match goes to their No 4 (James Wheeler) who was dominant in defence, had a good reading of the game and always did what was required when needed.  Spot on man and keep it rolling.

Off we went with another ground visited, a fine game noted and a good day all round had.

FINAL THOUGHTS - First things first - Hayle you have a good set up but we Northern bastards like chips and pies tha' knows (even when on a diet) and next time we head your way we wanna hear the chip pan sizzling.  Other than this, keep up the fine work.  As for the teams, I think they were well matched today and with a few different rolls of the globe the scoreline could have been easily a draw or even a home win.  Bude Town were decent today albeit a little frustrating at times with their ability to get squeezed and pushed back.  They are a steady unit though, their backline is well-regulated and they have some sharp components further up but, don't dilly-dally when going forth and give your colleagues options chaps - therein more goals will be borne.  Hayle please in parts, frustrate in others and in truth this was a spell of soccerised action that had a bit of both emotions.  At times they played with a wide game that stretched their opponents and kept them thinking but at others players ran out of space into the mush and so killed options.  When in possession, off the ball runs are the greatest creative force, today I feel, there wasn't enough and those that did come were mainly lacking in forethought.  The team are decent though and hey, these are just personal thoughts from an online looker - tis all I can offer and of course, these reports - I hope it nudges and helps.

DROP SHIP, SHIT DROP

3rd October 2026 - Porthleven AFC 7 v 1 Dropship FC - The first day proper of a break and we revolved all matters around a football fix. Up early and my daughter and I went and did a touch of coastal fungal hunting in a small wooded area near where we were staying.  20 species was the paltry haul but one or two were quite intriguing.  A few other bits including birds, galls, and Velvet Horn Seaweed (Codium tomentosum) with its rounded tips to the fronds and Breadcrumb Sponge (Halichondria panicea).  We returned, picked up the missus and had a lovely morn around Porthleven.  Shopping, wandering, soaking up the sun and noting a few more wildlife species (I can't stop).  Time raced by, we were soon parked up and at the ground of choice, a ruddy good set up and it was quite timely as the rain started to fall and we needed to park our arses.  Predictions in, pen and paper ready, here is what we saw (and by heck it was a right old surprise).

From the initial relish of hoofing eagerness the guests pushed forth, won a corner that resulted in a rather shoddy angular booting.  A corner came at the other end and was thrown into the filing cabinet labelled 'bilge' and a follow up free-kick from the angle was also discarded that way.  No 6 (Nick Barber) for the hosts had a shot soon after that wasn't to far off the mark and then a Porthleven long ball was obvious and direct but caught the visitors on the hop.  No 10 (Cameron Quirke) collected and galloped like a gorilla with a gear stick up his arse.  The keeper was there to beat, uncertainty invaded the attacker's thinking pattern, a cross was played instead of a shot and No 11 (Thomas Walter) outpaced his marker and put the ball in the netting - what a lovely goal.

The hosts built on this early bonus whereas Dropship indulged in a dicey game and played a little too far forward whilst looking to break.  No 17 (Ben Williams) for the travelling tribe came on, the ball went loose, No 9 (Tyler Cheshire) attempted to lob the keeper but just missed the mark.  Another long ball came for the residents, Walter cracked off a low shot and the mitted man saved mighty well. A corner came, the gloved gent punched, Walter put the ball back but the No 1 (Zach Tellory) was there again to gather.

Pops came at each end of the pitch, Dropship worked into a threatening position with Cheshire looking ready to rip one forth but taking a tumble instead (get a refund on those boots fellar).  The game settled, Dropship had a weak penalty shout, a free-kick for the hosts was well struck with the keeper saving (yet again).  The ball was loose, a return effort was blocked, Quirke put in a cross and the man between the timber just about pushed away.  More shots came the same way, somehow the DS lads survived and remained only a single goal behind.

From here we saw Quirke for Porthleven gather in midfield, turn and play a quite delicious pass that released No 7 (Ryley Stephens) who set his orbs on the target zone and sent the globe home - 2 - 0 and within the spasm of a sexed-up squirrels arse, Porthleven came again and from out wide a swift cross came and this time No 9 (Charlie Young) touched home - this was now looking as though the result was already settled, who would have thought it?

Dropship were reeling but not learning any lessons and Porthleven's Stephens was soon released again with a good effort saved and a follow-up crack at the onion bag also neatly dealt with.  The resultant corner was cleared and the DS unit moved forth, lost the ball and saw an 'over-the-top' pass played that Young collected and sent around the keeper to add his side's 4th strike.

The tip of my scribbling implement was glowing as I tried to keep up with matters.  Another angled hoof was earned for the hosts after some good grafting by Stephens.  The ball in was lofted, came down into a rather static box which allowed No 5 (Luke Hart) to make it 5 and finish the contest.  As the weary visitors tried to muster some magic a brace of shots were blocked and the opposing force broke with Quirke finalising but denied again by a keeper who was paradoxically having a good game but with a bundle of goals against his name.  The cruelty of football knows no bounds.

A moment of deja vu came when Dropship were owners of the ball, lost it again and allowed a pass to be poked through which Stephens collected and bagged the half dozen for his side. This may go down as one of the worst defensive performances I have seen, too high, too tightly packed and just not reading the threat. Had the chaps been on the beer or just having an off day? 

Before the break the trailing team did have a couple of punts at the meshing but both went behind with the latter leading to a corner that saw the ball cleared off the line on a couple of occasions and a return twatting clattered the bar.  A final header was gathered by the home No 1 (Martyn Webster) and that was that!

For the break we stayed put, the legs needed a rest and we had a little choccy to share.  Plans were made for what to do after the game and we pondered how many more goals there would be - I suspected very few as the opening 45 was surely a capricious occurrence of the most unpredictable proportions.

Half two, several shots came, Porthleven had a flourish and then Dropship broke but the defending they faced was cool and precise and thus pissed on any chips of consolation.  A few more attempts at the home goal came but lacked wallop and belief but, and a but laden with applause, the lads on the end of a drubbing were still having a go.

Porthleven had a couple more digs at goal, the first by Young who struck a well-drilled boomer that was denied by a firm save and then Quirke let fly but couldn't keep the ball below the bar.  No 17 (Dexter Bainbridge) put in a rather indifferent effort that missed the target and the DS No 20 (Tyler Oliver) had a hopeful pop that was again off-line.  The game seemed to be lacking any fresh creativity and it looked as though matters were now carved in concrete.

No 18 (Joe McRory) for the guests had a solid strike that was saved and the resident No 15 (Fraser Paterson) and No 14 (Edward Strike) linked up but the ball wouldn't sit and the mittman was on it.  After one the travellers volleyed over some in box argy-bargy came, expletives used and a few pushes had.  The referee settled matters, Porthleven worked on, won a corner that was booted into the box where Hart arrived and easily buried.  From the restart more huff and puff came, a guest player was sent for a rest and after a pause in the game Dropship cultivated enough late spunk to advance with their No 8 (Samuel Horton) quick to read matters and grab a late goal to ease the overall pain.  One final boot by the guests was blocked by the keeper and that was it folks.  8 goals, and Man of the Match I felt should go to No 7 (Ryley Stephens) for Porthleven FC. A 2 goal grabber, a quick 'erbert when taking to his heels and a constant menace in this quite one-sided game.

We beetled on, Gunwalloe Church Cove Beach was the area explored, not a bad way to finish a decent day with a fine footy ground in the mix.

FINAL THOUGHTS - I usually finalise these reports with a judgement but today I can't help feeling that what I write is skewed and not reflective of the teams on show.  Dropship FC are surely better than this and here just dropped in a shitter which happens to the best of teams now and again. Their league position shows they are not as bad as they were today and with a good kick up the arse and some attention to defensive details they will be back on track as soon as.  Porthleven were tasty today, played to their strengths and could have had a few more goals too, especially if it wasn't for the opposition's stickman.  The main problem with having a goal glut is that the next few games could be taken lightly and things could easily come unstuck when faced with sterner opposition who are very much 'on it'.  I shall keep an eye on what transpires and note is made that when we are back down this end, Porthleven is worthy of a return visit.