DROP SHIP, SHIT DROP

3rd October 2026 - Porthleven AFC 7 v 1 Dropship FC - The first day proper of a break and we revolved all matters around a football fix. Up early and my daughter and I went and did a touch of coastal fungal hunting in a small wooded area near where we were staying.  20 species was the paltry haul but one or two were quite intriguing.  A few other bits including birds, galls, and Velvet Horn Seaweed (Codium tomentosum) with its rounded tips to the fronds and Breadcrumb Sponge (Halichondria panicea).  We returned, picked up the missus and had a lovely morn around Porthleven.  Shopping, wandering, soaking up the sun and noting a few more wildlife species (I can't stop).  Time raced by, we were soon parked up and at the ground of choice, a ruddy good set up and it was quite timely as the rain started to fall and we needed to park our arses.  Predictions in, pen and paper ready, here is what we saw (and by heck it was a right old surprise).

From the initial relish of hoofing eagerness the guests pushed forth, won a corner that resulted in a rather shoddy angular booting.  A corner came at the other end and was thrown into the filing cabinet labelled 'bilge' and a follow up free-kick from the angle was also discarded that way.  No 6 (Nick Barber) for the hosts had a shot soon after that wasn't to far off the mark and then a Porthleven long ball was obvious and direct but caught the visitors on the hop.  No 10 (Cameron Quirke) collected and galloped like a gorilla with a gear stick up his arse.  The keeper was there to beat, uncertainty invaded the attacker's thinking pattern, a cross was played instead of a shot and No 11 (Thomas Walter) outpaced his marker and put the ball in the netting - what a lovely goal.

The hosts built on this early bonus whereas Dropship indulged in a dicey game and played a little too far forward whilst looking to break.  No 17 (Ben Williams) for the travelling tribe came on, the ball went loose, No 9 (Tyler Cheshire) attempted to lob the keeper but just missed the mark.  Another long ball came for the residents, Walter cracked off a low shot and the mitted man saved mighty well. A corner came, the gloved gent punched, Walter put the ball back but the No 1 (Zach Tellory) was there again to gather.

Pops came at each end of the pitch, Dropship worked into a threatening position with Cheshire looking ready to rip one forth but taking a tumble instead (get a refund on those boots fellar).  The game settled, Dropship had a weak penalty shout, a free-kick for the hosts was well struck with the keeper saving (yet again).  The ball was loose, a return effort was blocked, Quirke put in a cross and the man between the timber just about pushed away.  More shots came the same way, somehow the DS lads survived and remained only a single goal behind.

From here we saw Quirke for Porthleven gather in midfield, turn and play a quite delicious pass that released No 7 (Ryley Stephens) who set his orbs on the target zone and sent the globe home - 2 - 0 and within the spasm of a sexed-up squirrels arse, Porthleven came again and from out wide a swift cross came and this time No 9 (Charlie Young) touched home - this was now looking as though the result was already settled, who would have thought it?

Dropship were reeling but not learning any lessons and Porthleven's Stephens was soon released again with a good effort saved and a follow-up crack at the onion bag also neatly dealt with.  The resultant corner was cleared and the DS unit moved forth, lost the ball and saw an 'over-the-top' pass played that Young collected and sent around the keeper to add his side's 4th strike.

The tip of my scribbling implement was glowing as I tried to keep up with matters.  Another angled hoof was earned for the hosts after some good grafting by Stephens.  The ball in was lofted, came down into a rather static box which allowed No 5 (Luke Hart) to make it 5 and finish the contest.  As the weary visitors tried to muster some magic a brace of shots were blocked and the opposing force broke with Quirke finalising but denied again by a keeper who was paradoxically having a good game but with a bundle of goals against his name.  The cruelty of football knows no bounds.

A moment of deja vu came when Dropship were owners of the ball, lost it again and allowed a pass to be poked through which Stephens collected and bagged the half dozen for his side. This may go down as one of the worst defensive performances I have seen, too high, too tightly packed and just not reading the threat. Had the chaps been on the beer or just having an off day? 

Before the break the trailing team did have a couple of punts at the meshing but both went behind with the latter leading to a corner that saw the ball cleared off the line on a couple of occasions and a return twatting clattered the bar.  A final header was gathered by the home No 1 (Martyn Webster) and that was that!

For the break we stayed put, the legs needed a rest and we had a little choccy to share.  Plans were made for what to do after the game and we pondered how many more goals there would be - I suspected very few as the opening 45 was surely a capricious occurrence of the most unpredictable proportions.

Half two, several shots came, Porthleven had a flourish and then Dropship broke but the defending they faced was cool and precise and thus pissed on any chips of consolation.  A few more attempts at the home goal came but lacked wallop and belief but, and a but laden with applause, the lads on the end of a drubbing were still having a go.

Porthleven had a couple more digs at goal, the first by Young who struck a well-drilled boomer that was denied by a firm save and then Quirke let fly but couldn't keep the ball below the bar.  No 17 (Dexter Bainbridge) put in a rather indifferent effort that missed the target and the DS No 20 (Tyler Oliver) had a hopeful pop that was again off-line.  The game seemed to be lacking any fresh creativity and it looked as though matters were now carved in concrete.

No 18 (Joe McRory) for the guests had a solid strike that was saved and the resident No 15 (Fraser Paterson) and No 14 (Edward Strike) linked up but the ball wouldn't sit and the mittman was on it.  After one the travellers volleyed over some in box argy-bargy came, expletives used and a few pushes had.  The referee settled matters, Porthleven worked on, won a corner that was booted into the box where Hart arrived and easily buried.  From the restart more huff and puff came, a guest player was sent for a rest and after a pause in the game Dropship cultivated enough late spunk to advance with their No 8 (Samuel Horton) quick to read matters and grab a late goal to ease the overall pain.  One final boot by the guests was blocked by the keeper and that was it folks.  8 goals, and Man of the Match I felt should go to No 7 (Ryley Stephens) for Porthleven FC. A 2 goal grabber, a quick 'erbert when taking to his heels and a constant menace in this quite one-sided game.

We beetled on, Gunwalloe Church Cove Beach was the area explored, not a bad way to finish a decent day with a fine footy ground in the mix.

FINAL THOUGHTS - I usually finalise these reports with a judgement but today I can't help feeling that what I write is skewed and not reflective of the teams on show.  Dropship FC are surely better than this and here just dropped in a shitter which happens to the best of teams now and again. Their league position shows they are not as bad as they were today and with a good kick up the arse and some attention to defensive details they will be back on track as soon as.  Porthleven were tasty today, played to their strengths and could have had a few more goals too, especially if it wasn't for the opposition's stickman.  The main problem with having a goal glut is that the next few games could be taken lightly and things could easily come unstuck when faced with sterner opposition who are very much 'on it'.  I shall keep an eye on what transpires and note is made that when we are back down this end, Porthleven is worthy of a return visit.