GET OF OF JAIL - PLAYED

27th January 2018 - Altrincham FC 1 v 1 Warrington Town - By the crikey this climate is getting on my tits and these constant grey skies, rain-riddled days and just general chilled intrusions are sending me into the blue realms of irritation and causing me to ponder my sanity. But bollocks to it I say and rather than sit about and let the black dog lick my wretched knackers it is important to get up, make sure all is safely gathered in (including the aforementioned knackers) and head out and do something positive.   So, after a morn of catching up and a good dinner the loins were girded (ouch) and me and my always fine lady headed out for a clash of two teams outside our usual sphere.  The match we had planned had been called off due to an overload of precipitation so we made alternative arrangements and headed to nearby Altrincham.  We had the third installment of 'Day of the Triffids' on in the car and it reminded me to keep my pistils and petals covered up on this miserably wretched day - I considered myself a gardener of the gonads!.  We arrived, headed into the club house, slurped a brew, chomped some chips and contemplated 90 minutes in the outside air - I was hoping the teams could provide some thermal pleasure, if not I may be back to bulldoze the ground and erect a sun-tanning centre - for just those with permanent goose-pimples that is!  The teams came out, I was caught between my love of non-league football and my fantasy of sporting a David Dickenson tan - perhaps I should stick to supporting the glorious game, spending time as a satsuma-skinned fraud is never a viable option - besides pin-striped suits are not in vogue and I have my reputation as a fashion icon to uphold - bah!

A good early turn by Warrington's No 9 (Jamie McDonald) who twisted the hips and won a free-kick.  The bonus punt taken slammed against the wall and was hoofed clear but the attack was rebuilt. No 10 (Tony Gray) crossed from the flank and the crust of the No 11 (William Hayhurst) put the ball wide, it should have been at least on target.  Besides this the start was rather scrappy, with No 10 (James Poole) for the Alt having a tepid try at goal and then up the other end his opposite number Gray, playing a sublime chip through and allowing McDonald to thwack with pace into the side-netting.  It was a move that raised a roar from the crowd, it would have been a ruddy good goal that is for sure!  The Robins came back with their red and white breast thrust high.  Poole turned, laid off a pass to No 9 (Jordan Hulme) who shot low and hard. The legs of the visiting keeper splayed quicker than those of Joan Collins in a male brothel, the save was had.  A few rough tackles came in, a few bookings also came.  Altrincham began to turn up the heat, spraying the ball this way and that but with about as much threat as a toothless shark.  The referee was making the match a struggle with a constant desire to show off his talents as a chat-show host and using every opportunity to wag the jaw - crikey, what a frustrating fella - Russell Harty on a foreigner no less (not literally though although you never could tell).  Eventually Warrington came on, some weaving wing work and a cross saw the ball drop at the feet of No 8 (Dylan Vassallo) who duly volleyed with purpose.  The sprawling mittman got his fingertips to the ball but it wasn't enough to stop it from rolling over the line and bringing up the first goal.  It was the spark the game needed and a touch more urgency came amid a period of frantic end to end stuff.

Altrincham were being kept honest by Warrington's endless hustling but the home No 7 (John Johnston) was unfortunate not to see his colleague Hulme, make contact with a teasing cross cum semi-shot.  It was Johnston again who was in the thick of the action when he chased a 50/50 ball and clattered the keeper.  A bit of bitching and shopping bag swinging ensued - for me it was just an unlucky challenge.  More bookings came as the scrappy affair fell apart but at the last the Robin's No 2 (Shaun Densmore) was involved in a lovely move that saw McDonald finalise only to be thwarted by the ever-ready keeper.  The ref, an in fact most of the crowd, had seen enough.  It was a time to refuel, rethink and come up with balls bared.

Myself and my good lady stayed put and chilled, there were a few on today (1419 I believe) and standing in a queue at the risk of missing some action is not what we like to do, so when the teams came out we were all prepared.  This is what happened!

The Alt were quickest from the traps forcing the visiting No 1 (Anthony McMillan) to punch from a noggin and then save from No 3's (Connor Hampson) right foot pile-driver.  A free-kick, a corner, a volley and a deflection all ended in a wild penalty claim, the referee was having none of it.  A Yellow's break, counter-punched by a surge towards the opposite goal - all this mad dash mayhem resulted in was 2 more bookings - cripes, was the ref collecting names for a night on the tiles - the randy old git.  Hampson came again for the hosts, he worked the flank and won a worthy corner but the resultant angled kick that came was shite - as was the shabby foul soon after that saw the committer get a yellow card.  Alas, it made little difference as he soon hobbled off in pain.  Ooh err - another ruddy delay!

A lack of killer quality was apparent throughout with Warrington happy to see this one out and Altrincham to push and squeeze like a pregnant cow but to only give birth to a litter of disappointments.  Numerous balls came into the guests box, heads aplenty met the in-swinging globes as well as fast reacting feet to clear the danger.  The away keeper looked to be adopting a go-slow at work approach and stopped Altrincham from building any pure impetus. We were into the arse end of this dog-yard affair, Alty came, Hulme flicked a ball through, the sub Peers only had to finish but somehow managed to rasp over - would there be any other chances?  A great last rally from the home birds, a shot, a miss, a corner.  The ball was flung into the box, the seconds left were minimal.  The ball was fumbled around, fell loose and led to a confusing scramble and a cross.  A toe stabbed out, the ball was blocked but somehow rolled onwards - oh man, it was an equaliser, Poole had rescued a point, from the despairing depths final delight was plucked and when the official blew soon after many home fans looked cock-a-hoop with a point.  The game wasn't a classic and didn't showcase the best of the players but Man of the match for me goes to Altrincham's No 4 (James Jones) who was a steadying influence with much composure and a good insight into the pattern of the game.  This chap's performance kept his side in the game and undoubtedly helped them pinch a very fortunate point.  Can't fault it!


FINAL THOUGHT - Frank Worthington was a piss-artist, Jimmy Saville a con artist, Houdini was an escape artist - can you guess which one Altrincham FC most resembled on today's performance? Watch what you say now, the charges from the last report have not been cleared yet - that judge is a right harsh git!  And so, our rare foray into the upper realms of the Evo-Stik League saw two teams play out a draw today with Warrington obviously unlucky not to win it.  They had a loose grip on the game and if certain half-chances aren't put away and an option taken to try and ride out the last 15 minutes is had, then the chances of falling foul and losing what little you have gained is highly probable.  There is an art-form in going for the jugular - just ponder the antics of  Bela Lugosi or that even bigger bloodsucking beast, Margaret Thatcher. Something for the Warrington lads to work on methinks.  Altrincham on the other hand are obviously a decent side, look at their league position, but need to make sure they also take their chances when laid on a plate.  The players need to consider the ball a sausage, and themselves as hungry vagabonds.   The fried delight drops at the feet, time is of the essence and like any self-respecting tramp they should pounce and bury the bastard be it in the net rather then the stomach in this case.  You know, it makes sense.  And that is that, we shall dabble with some more Evo-Stik at some point  and certainly keep an eye on these two teams but for now it is back to the North West Counties League, tis all football after all, and all at a decent, approachable level!