CAMMELLS TOO HUMPY AS WYTHY SNEAK A WIN

14th January 2023 - Wythenshawe Amateurs 2 v 1 Cammell Laird 1907 - The first week back at work has been done, I woke up rather shagged out today and set about a few chores with vulgarities liberally mumbled whilst the grey skies outside threatened to piss on any footballing entertainment. Thankfully news came through that the Wythy groundsmen and been seen to be 'forking about' rather than the crude and wasteful alternative, and duly saved the day. Game on it was with a 2pm kick off giving one the chance of being back home to watch the last episodes of 'Four in a Bed' - 'ooh just look at that shit round the basin', 'ooh look at those pubes in me sausages', 'by heck someone's took a dump in my pillow' - etc etc - as if!  So, with an injection of zest I cracked on, got dressed and threw down some scran (aah a good bowl of Shreddies and 2 salmon paste butties, the true blessed source of nutrients) and was duly dropped off by my good lady who then went and attended to her struggling mum.  STP Stu was in attendance again, as were our mates Gareth and Sandra. We purchased a brew and took up the viewing positions, we all committed ourselves to an home win, but as per, as long as it was a good game, played in the right spirit, with plenty of goals of course, that will do for us.  My mate Malcolm was along for the ride, he had brought a bottle of Croft Original Sherry which he duly shared - very kind indeed.

The game began with the air nipping at one's nethers, Wythy Ams fought off the cold with a couple of early attacks, the latter of which saw No 9 (Saul Henderson) finalise with an angled shot that the mittman did well to push wide. The corner led to an infringement and so banished all hopes of an early breakthrough. The guests breathed a sigh of relief but no sooner had they got back into position than No 3 (Declan Lamb) dashed forth, fed Henderson who duly shimmied, shook, shot and found the net with comparative ease. 

From here we witnessed a smattering of argy-bargy, the issuing of a yellow card and a tension creep in to matters.  Wythy came on, a corner saw Henderson put bonce on ball only to see his effort cleared off the line.  The hosts were in control, the Cammell Laird lads certainly needed to settle. The guests eventually won a gratis gift from much scrappy play.  No 2 (Ben Kerr) delivered with No 9 (Kieran Hamm) on it, shooting and forcing the home No 1(Kyle Haslam) to produce a sound save.  A corner followed, in box madness ensued with shots and flying feet coming and keeping the touchline viewers all agog.  A corner was the result, the keeper palmed away the posted globe and Wythy broke with the final outcome being a bout of frenzied action and then Henderson firing a shot that clattered the inside of the post.

From here the hosts remained on top, No 10 (Bryan Ly) was a thorn in the oppositions side but just lacked the killer instinct and when the ball was put in the Laird net on two occasions, the resident onlookers and home bench were rather miffed to see the liner's flag flapping in the breeze.  The hectic pace continued but without control, although one butter-smooth move by The Laird nearly resulted in a goal when No 11 (Kalif Koura) had a pop at the apex but could only find the side netting.  The half ended soon after with some pushing and shoving and another yellow card issued. Oh the daft buggers.

For the break Gareth and Sandra kindly provided the brews, myself and Stu nattered away and young Malcolm had a slurp of his sherry.  Thankfully the knitted sot left enough for me and my mate to share - it was a sanguine drink that counterbalanced the inclement climate and brought some benevolent warmth to the old lower fundament - hiccup.

The Laird came out sharply with the game still very much in the balance.  The blue clad resident ranks stood firm and the next shots that came at goal went their way with No 7 (Kieran Curtis) taking aim and propelling forth a shot that was weaker than the urine of a water-soaked Stickleback,  Ly had a punt soon after and gave the ball a little more welly, but the keeper saved well and from the corner sour bugger all was borne.

The CL crew reacted. Koura and No 15 (Kyle Ogiogu) linked up well, No 10 (Ryan Smith) was fed but belted the air-filled bag way over the bar.  Wythy came on again, more shots followed,  the best of which was via the tootsie of No 11 (Edward Brown) who asked questions of the keeper (David Potter) who, in turn, provided the answers with a superb one-handed save. The hosts continued to probe like a gynaecologist  looking for a clitoral wart (dirty blighter).  Curtis and No 2 (Christopher Howard) joined forces, a cross came, the guest No 4 (Daniel Stephens) stretched a shank and stopped the ball from being buried.  No 8 (Samuel Adewusi) had a shot soon after, the visiting stickman collected and dropped but before he was punished he duly gobbled up the loose globe.

Suddenly the Laird mesh protector launched a long ball, No 3 (Richard Wincer) gathered at the far end of the pitch, lobbed the home gloved guardian and bagged a simple, but effective, equaliser. This was now anyone's game.

The Laird came again, No 14 (Cameron McGregor) let fly a long shot with the keeper saving late. From the angled kick a header was put over the bar and then the hosts started to push.  A few threatening waves came but crashed into nothingness against the CL backline.  Alas it was only temporary respite for the travellers with No 4 (Charles Duke) given time to look and cross and put in a teasing ball that Brown connected with and nutted home.  

From here it was a chicken run of incessancy, alas most of the chickens were headless and composure was sincerely lacking.  Brown for WA was still darting around and almost got his just deserts when a lost cause was chased and nearly deflected home from a goalkeeping hoof.  At the other end and a pressing Wincer missed a volley, recovered the ball with sheer hard work, put in a tempting cross that saw no takers waiting.  Late on and a shot at the CL goal saw another quality save had and then the Laird have  a late attack, cause a moment of panic but not get the all important killer touch.  The game was halted soon after, despite the hosts scrambling home for me, the Man of the Match goes to Cammell Laird's No 11 (Kalif Koura) for sheer selfless industry,  an ability to trap the ball and release with almost perfect success and a head's down approach that will surely see him move on to better things.  

And so we were done, we all headed home slightly chilled but happy we got out and supported two Non-League teams and their endeavours - next stop for me is Lobster FC v Melling United - in this weather my conkers may end up as blue as the lobster's privates.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Cammell Laird came up against one of the leagues best sides and were unlucky not to grab a point.  They have a good battling attitude but are too keen to gripe rather than let the ball do the talking.  The release balls from midfield need working on so the wannabe assassins up front get the maximum feed and can hopefully do what they are asked to do.  The team are dabbling with the drop though and really do need to get to grips with matters pretty soon, there is potential but potential without points is indeed...pointless.  Wythenshawe Amateurs are pushing for automatic promotion but on today's evidence a play-off spot awaits. Their main rivals are doing the business and looking well-oiled whereas WA stuttered through this one and in truth, nearly dropped two points along the way.  At the knuckle-end of the season no game will be a gimme and so all players need to be sharp and well-versed in one another's game.  My fingers are crossed that the team can keep things rolling, as the season unfolds all will be revealed.  Right now for a good serving of Lobster!  Malc - get the sherry ready!

See ya soon folks!

HOLY McFOLEY THE ROAD IS BLOCKED

7th January 2023 - Maine Road FC 3 v 3 Foley Meir - It has been a long and hectic year so far, many challenges and tests and much ado about something.  We have cracked on but woke up today rather frazzled.  I chased my tail, caught it and tied a knot in it for good measure.  After a morn of chores and weather watching I pondered a game, duly chose one and then changed my mind as a good fellow I know was attending one of my favoured clubs.  The good lady dropped me off nice and early as she needed time with her aging mum who is really struggling of late.  I acquired a brew, nattered with a Foley Meir fan and then went outdoors to sit in the fine weather and read a tale about prison life by the  famed Russian Fyodor Dostoevsky. It is cracking stuff and got me thinking as to who I would like to see thrown in prison - well the attention seeking Prince Harry for one, the sycophantic shit that is Elton John for two and perhaps all members of the human race who are prejudice, think money is the key to success and who have a lack of regard for each other's feelings, the environment and their insane impact on things.  Just for the hell of it I would also put all cross-eyed people in dungeons and people with protuding navels would be crucified in public - I think the world would be a less crowded and better place.  After these ponderings I was joined by football enthusiast and wonderful fellow David Potter whereupon the talk become all football.  We had a brew and nattered away -  I reckon this zealot will be back on the touchline soon, I for one hope so. And so to matters at hand!

The game began and the first chance came almost at once.  The guests came, No 7 (Alexander Cimino) found himself with a opportunity to poke the ball home from a few yards out but somehow managed to miss the target - was this a glimpse of things to come?  The Road were instantaneously provoked into action, No 7 (Yousif Yousif) was at the sharp end of a move with the shot decent enough, but saved well by the opposing No 1 (Andrew Walklate).  

The game was initially built on good end to end action with the team sat in the lowly league position doing mighty well.  Maine Road brought the next threat on goal with a cross tempting Yousif to consider an overhead but No 10 (Joseph Keyworth) nipping in and putting head on ball instead and failing to ripple the meshing.  Straight away Foley Meir responded with a cross ball finding No 4 (Miles Johnson) who had a quite ambitious punt on goal that wasn't that far off the mark.  This was a game that was still in the balance until a loose midfield ball came from the home team, a Meir advance came and the last man was clumsily tumbled and the resident No 4 (Ryan Eislet) was sent for an early dip.  The follow-up free-kick saw the keeper stop and spill, the loose ball get poked toward goal which resulted in a quality reaction save and the loose ball get slapped home by the waiting No 10 (Thomas Wakefield).  Now this was an interesting turn up.

Maine Road looked slightly alarmed, they dug in and prodded away.  No 2 (Jake Pogson) advanced, threaded a pass to Yousif who wasted no time in turning and walloping into the top corner with deadly accuracy.  A superb goal and a fine way to restore parity.  

A delay followed and then a Foley Meir corner that saw The Road survive and advance via No 8 (Joshua Clegg).  A cross came, Yousif galloped forth, stuck out a shank and guided the ball into the bottom corner of the net - this game was becoming a lottery for sure. 

From here the guests showed good heart and strove with spirit.  The hosts advanced with fervour looking for the next strike but the FM crew held firm and broke with pace that saw No 9 (James Garlick) end matters with a chip over the keeper that was mere inches shy of the stick.  Moments later a fine ball was played into the MR box, Wakefield rose and provided the perfect cushion header to put the ball over the mitter's digits and into the goal - we were once again perfectly balanced.

It seemed as though things were destined to end all square for the break but a Road long ball saw Yousif collect and bag his hat-trick in comfortable style - the 10 men side had pilfered the half-time lead and looked cock-a-hoop going back into the changing rooms.

I stayed put for the break and stretched the Gordons (Gordon Banks - shanks), breathed in some fresh Vince (Vince Hilaire - air), made sure my Clyde (Clyde Best - vest) was tucked in and my trousers yanked up so that I wouldn't freeze off my little George (George Berry - cherry).  My good man Mr Potter supplied the Emlyn's (Emlyn Hughes - brews) and we duly chatted away until the teams returned to the awaiting pitch. The fingers were crossed for more of the same.

The visitors were out quicker than Trap 6 chasing a gravy dipped rabbit.  Garlick buzzed with zeal and put a ball in that Wakefield wellied wide.  Again the trailing pack came, this time with a ball over the top that Cimino connected with albeit rather tamely and allowing the keeper to save with ease.  More shots came, No 6 (Jamie Roe) had a pop for the Blues that was wide of the strike zone and a pen shout for the same team brought no further reward.

The guests provided the greater pressure, the only niggle was that the end execution was just lacking and a gung-ho commitment in the box was needed.  Composure now left the game, a hectic frenzy was the result, all that was needed was for a few heads to get the ball and take control.  The mayhem produced a corner for the Meir and when the ball went into the box more confusion came and No 6 (Fletcher Rushton) was lucky enough to find the ball drop his way and cool enough to crack home - 3 - 3 it was.

The game remained of a high, haphazard tempo, Road had a chance when a free-kick was headed goalward late on but the keeper was in the perfect spot to catch.  From here the hosts bore new impetus but it was all to no avail.  A few incidents came, one involving an off the ball slap that was not seen by any officials.  During the dregs of the game a Maine Road corner came, hit one post, another and then was struck against the bar before Foley Meir had a free-kick that Wakefield struck but couldn't keep his shot below the horizontal.  A few more half-chances and we were done, this had been a fine match for the neutral, a nightmare I suspect for the benches.  A few overheated words came at the end (utterly pointless) and I wandered off happy with a grand spectacle.  Man of the Match, well with 3 strikes, one of which was outstanding, and a very pleasing work-rate and desire Maine Road's No 7 (Yousif Yousif) has to get the nod.  Keep this up fella and the team will win more than they lose.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Foley Meir came today, perhaps got lucky with a few decisions and the sending off (which was a red card beyond doubt) but still did enough to defy the lowly position they are in and perhaps cultivate some hope for the future.  They played with good desire and at times showed some applaudable movement and one or two triangular passing sequences that worked well. To maintain this they need to use the full width of the park, avoid any skirmishes and just keep the noggins down and focus on playing forward.  Throw a few long balls into the pattern and I reckon more points will follow - I hope so and also aim to pay this club a visit before too long.  Maine Road do what they do week in and week out - bloody well frustrate all onlookers and bewilder the believers.  They are a side better than they think and better than their position informs us.  They have a culture of trying to play good football but sometimes just need to take the direct route whilst now and again (especially when a goal in front), take stock of matters before rebuilding.  As I say though, they are one of my favoured clubs and a pre-match prediction is almost an impossibility when watching this lot - this is no bad thing although being kept on the edge of those wooden benches for 90 minutes is playing havoc with my Johnny Giles (work that one out for yourself).

GOODNIGHT AT SILENTNIGHT FOR THE RED MEN

2nd January 2023 - Barnoldswick Town 2 v 1 AFC Liverpool - After a day out looking at birds, mosses and fungi, and covering much ground, it was good to get some football in and sit in a clubhouse that provided some grub, a warm atmosphere and some thermal clemency.  We arrived at the ground 90 minutes before kick-off, had a pie and a brew and when my coughing and spluttering mate turned up (STP Stu) we had another brew and decided to brace the fresh air.  The game was set to be a close one on paper despite the difference in league positions.  Time soon passed as we nattered and caught up with a few rays as the sun cast it's last vestiges of warmth.  The teams came out and I was ready to scribble the first match report of the year - through dithered digits this is what I wrote.

During the early throes there was no quarter given. Both teams scurried with purpose but creating little.  A free-kick came for the Red Men after No 9 (Kyle Scorah) was gently clipped - the outcome was bugger all.  The Barlick Boys reacted with a long ball that No 9 (Lewis Rawsthorn) gathered and belted at the second touch with the angled shot a mere fraction shy of the timber.  The guests were given another gratis gift moments later and doubled their wastage with a rather poor hoofing.  The home 'erberts were once more provoked into a response, it reminded me of when I put a bare electrical wire up the arse of what I considered to be a dead toad - cripes.  No 11 (Jack Foster) darted and crossed, a block came with the loose ball walloped by No 10 (Andrew Hill) but only finding the carcasses of several impeding players.  The threat though was there, the AFC Liverpool ranks needed to take note.

Again the hosts come, they were riding the crest of an impetus loaded wave and needed to make some kind of splash.  A corner was negated, the next serious punt on goal came the other way when No 10 (William McCarthy) weaved and wriggled, Scorah was found and a quick turn and shot was executed.  Thankfully for the home team, the mittman was awake and down to push behind for the corner.  The angled kick was yet another dead ball situation not used to its full potential.  

For their wasteful ways the red clad mob were to pay the ultimate price next when a liquid move from the home team resulted in a bulging onion bag.  A quick pass was repeated, a release ball was made and up popped No 7 (Ben Ashton) to round off a delightful move - it was a fine end to a cracking sequence.

The trailing pack tried to respond with a free-kick won.  The postage of the ball was accurate enough but the header was as limp as a lustful man's handshake after indulging in a 24 hour wank-a-thon.  Shots followed at both ends, No 4 (James Ormrod) for Barlick, No 11 (Jesse Dowling) for AFCL, both attempts were straight at the keepers navel area or, for the more corrupt of mind, about 6 inches above the base of the nob.

As time progressed and the sun dipped it looked as if Barlick may grab a second at any time.  This was the case soon after these thoughts had left my cranium along with the escaping body heat.  Another long ball opened the Liverpool unit and No 10 (Andrew Hill) collected via a superb first touch, let fly with equal eye-catching brilliance and was rewarded by a billowing of the netting that left the keeper with no chance at all.  A two-goal lead was secured, this was not what the Merseyside Medical man had ordered.

Almost immediately the leaders of the contest so far were caught with their trousers down and the visiting Dowling was tumbled (albeit very lamely) in the box.  The referee gave a penalty, the player who was on the deck arose, dusted down and took the spot-kick, the keepers shanks remained well-spread (Joan Collins eat yer heart out) and stopped the ball from entering the goal - the home fans were ecstatic.

Before the break Barnoldswick finished well with Foster having a dig wide, a cross shaving the head of Rawsthorn and the general attack mode and movement deserved of another goal - alas it was not to be - 2 - 0 it was, I don't think anyone could argue with things so far.

We stayed put for the break, a brew would have been nice but queueing for one was not an option.  We wagged the mandible and stamped the feet to keep warm, I almost considered shitting my pants but one has to observe certain decencies I suppose.  

Half-two (without added poo) and the hosts where out and displaying a continued acuteness to their play. Rawsthorn was at the apex of a fast move with his shot saved by the keepers pins. Hill took a free-kick soon after but sent the ball way over the bar and from a period of middle-park mushings Ashton escaped and sent a shot wide of the mark.  The visitors looked like not getting back into this when a quick spurt resulted in a tumbling and the opposing No 5 (Bradley Ditch) received his marching orders.  McCarthy took the earned free-kick and sent in a low drill that the home No 1 (Jordan Gidley) saved well.  AFC Liverpool took heart from having a one-man advantage. No 7 (Tom Douglas) dashed and entered the box next.  The player had options but chose to shoot and duly trembled the timber.  Scorah latched onto the rebound and forced the keeper to produce a quality save and keep his side with a double-strike lead.  A kick from the corner was the result, the ball was floated in and No 5 (Luke Stephens) rose and buried without any interference whatsoever - was this game going to turn into a Tale of the Unexpected (Roald Dahl are you listening).

From here the guests worked hard but the hosts stood strong and still created the odd chance. One such opportunity came when a substitute beat two players, put in a cross only for the incoming attacker to put the header over - that would have signed, sealed and delivered the game for sure.  AFC Liverpool tried to up the ante, many balls came forth, Barlick were like the wallet of Ken Dodd - totally impenetrable.  The referee added time, it didn't help the trailing team's cause, 2 - 1 it stayed and the home ranks were deserved of the end prize.  Man of the match was pondered, a few home defenders were in the mix but I eventually went for the No 1 (Jordan Gidley) who produced several good saves and made sure his team achieved the end triumph - I am always happy to give a nod to a good mittman performance.

We soon buggered off and made sure the heating was on in the car with the thermal fans aimed straight and true at parts certain beers (and perverts) cannot reach - ooh aye.

FINAL THOUGHTS - It had been a few years since we visited the Silentnight Stadium, it won't be that long again.  It is a lovely ground and has a nice feel to it.  We came, expected a good game and got just that.  AFC Liverpool were thrown out of their stride today and when 2 goals down didn't react with enough purpose and didn't really use any creativity to cause their opponents any fuss.  Is this a turning point in the season?  Can the lads amend this blip and noted flaw and get things back on track - I for one hope so but they had better do it soon as the season will slip away and leave them floundering in mid-table.  Barnoldswick looked good today, I liked the attitude, the attacking zest and the defensive ranks that stood firm and in the main, read the game with cool control.  I am befuddled as to why this team are not in the top half of the league - they look a complete unit with a good set of players - is it a case of bad luck, not playing as a team for the full 90 minutes or have I caught them on a good day?  Who knows but after today's effort I would expect a top half finish for sure - it would be ruddy splendid to see.