MATCH DAY MATTERS
Monday 8 April 2024
BALLS (BOTH ACHING AND HOOFED)
Monday 4 March 2024
BLOODS BENEFIT FROM THE BLOOPERS
Tuesday 16 January 2024
BULLET-PROOF TEST (PASSED)
14th January 2024 - Maine Road 3 v 1 Alsager Town - Another match report - what am I thinking of? I am in the midst of a busy period (as always) and have been art and abart nearly every day of the new year and have a run of Fungalised gigs coming up to test the resolve of the most ardent punk bastard. After a morn of mooching around a local cemetery for fungi and birds, a trip into Chorlton followed where a coffee was swilled and a bookshop visited (with several tomes purchased). Me and the missus did a quick spot of veggie shopping and soon after arrived at the ground clemmed and fagged. My missus didn't fancy a brew though and indulged in a recently purchased veggie pasty whilst I had a minor slip from my diet and had a warm pie and a sugar laden coffee (by heck it went down a treat). On the touchline we went, nattered and greeted fellow keen onlooker Darren Duffy. Darren's son Tommy plays for Maine Road and so it is only decent that Dad does the duties. Today the said gent had come armed with a camera, one I found out he was using to take shots of players taking a leak in the hope of creating a new jazz mag known as 'Non League Nobs'. On a cold day such as this I reckoned the loon of the lens was hopeful but he showed me a few snaps that showed what a good rub down with 'deep heat' can do. I was appalled and yet intrigued but was assured that a prison sentence would soon be on the cards for this perverse entrepreneur. My missus averted her eyes from the exposed pics which was just as well, she is a delicate soul and to be fair, why would she want to gaze at shriveled scraps when she can witness some prime steak anytime she wants to (apologies for any exaggeration here, perhaps a past its sell-by date chicken wing would be more apt). Anyway, too the match, and here are my usual observations done for the sheer love of the game.
Kick off, no sooner had I licked my ballpoint (ooh err) than No 11 (Yousif Yousif) for The Road was on the globe, making a sweet move and threading a choice pass. No 7 (Declan Hacking) collected and had a poke at the meshing, the outcome was just wide but No 10 (Oliver Lomas) gathered from a tight angle and crossed for Hacking to step up and guide home - 1 - 0 - and with the conkers not fully warmed this was a right welcome heat generator I can tell ya.
Alsager now looked to get their noggins together, gather up their gonads and gain a foothold. A penalty shout was hopeful, the sable clad gent in charge was having none of it and the Bullets had to reload and keep up the applaudable response. Another push from the guests attracted the attention of the peepers, No 10 (Jordan Cobley) gained possession, had a glimpse of goal and put his shot shy of the target zone, it should have been on target at least. The Road responded, No 9 (Mohammed Samb) fed Lomas, a cross came, the keeper did well to quell some serious danger.
This was a good game of football, Alsager were hanging in but struggling with the on-the-deck sorties that the hosts were cultivating over and over again. A surge by the Blues saw a ball enter the box and Yousif attempt to side-foot home with a defender doing well to block any penetration. Alsager were under the cosh but looked to relieve matters with a long hopeful ball. A head met the plummeting sphere, over the keeper it went but the home No 6 (James Perry) was there to collect. Alas a dawdle on the ball was punished, No 7 (Ryan Jackson) gained ownership and sent the ball homeward - 1 - 1 - a real surprise to be fair.
The Bullets now upped the ante, Maine Road had to gallop like gibbons with the shits - Lomas was a pivotal component and working up a fair lather. A free-kick was eventually earned by the home lads. The ball was hit with ideal height and pace with the guest keeper reaching and hoping to pluck it from the sky like a multi-jointed chameleon catching a passing arse wasp. The spherical object was missed by the mitted man, No 8 (Jack Wray) was prowling at the back post like a canine-loving pervert around a lamppost and duly guided the ball home to regain his side the lead. A nice finish if ever I saw one.
Alsager responded, the home defending was rather poxy with a shot allowed but getting deflected wide. The corner came, was dealt with in the most unruly fashion and a breakaway charge ensued. Samb beat his marker, put the ball to Hacking who in turn supplied Lomas who was brave enough to have a first time punt. The result was an effort just a little off target - a shame as that would have been some goal. The follow-up to this was a liquid advancement by the hosts, Yousif supplied Wray, ball in, out, No 4 (Oscar Campbell) had a pop but his own player was in the way - cripes.
Prior to the break Alsager had a couple of bonus bootings that led to fuck all, the weather started to turn to crud and an Alsager fan nearby sneezed and both his eyes left his head and landed in my lap. I pocketed one, you never know when an extra peeper can come in handy.
We stayed put for the break and had a quick snack. Corrupt click-o-matic man Duffy mithered a couple of folk and duly sold some old glossy snaps of Goalkeeping Gonads of the 1920's. The camera work was rather sketchy but one could still make out the important bits with the use of pebble-glasses and a vivid imagination. Who knew Dixie Dean had a U-bend in his todger - fascinating!
Half two began with the drizzle falling and the murk building. The initial gaspings were rather scrappy with little in the way of arousing action to report until Hacking for the hosts dashed with purpose with the bonce down and the pins pedalling. Hope rose but the visiting No 14 (Lewis Porter) had other ideas when he put in a solid tackle that led to a corner. The angled hoof was played short, 2 passes followed and another corner conceded. This time the ball entered the box, the keeper fisted well and a free-kick came and went as did another kick from the sharp end of the pitch. Pressure rose, a break for Alsager was halted, and another high hopeful Bullet-boot was this time gathered by a very grateful mitter.
Alsager continued to build, a corner saw Porter's header stray just off the mark and then after a bad Road pass at the back a player snaffled the ball and shot but the outcome was disappointingly off target. Time hammered on, we entered the last 20 with a penalty claim had for the resident ranks when No 14 (Ben Mooney) was clumsily tumbled in the box. The decision was 'no pen' for me the referee got it wrong. A great chance soon came the same way next though when No 12 (Louis Edwards) was left to bulge the netting. The shot was skewed, the loose ball not buried but moments later Samb raced for the ball with the keeper, the stray globe was connected with by the striker and the score line read 3 - 1 to the Blues.
Matters now went to and fro with no real incisive action had. Half chances came as both teams continued to look for a goal with Alsager coming close right at the death when a peg made a good connection in the midst of some in-box mayhem but the No 1 (Oliver Brockbank) put in a good save to keep his team two goals to the good. The referee blew up (not literally of course, that would be just horrific) soon after and I was left to contemplate the Man of the Match. My choice was difficult, there had been some good home stints today but I thought the blue clad No 2 (David Durant) worked well on and off the ball, communicated well and was a strong component in an improved Maine Road team.
Homeward we went prior to the night's gigging - I was already fagged but the game had been a good un' with a solid home win bagged.
FINAL THOUGHTS - And so to my end summary with Alsager Town something of a disappointment today and seemingly lacking that killer punch. They play a good organised system, they seem to have many options but they struggle when a team runs at them and works hard off the ball. After a recent 5 - 0 drubbing of Cheadle Heath Nomads I expected more today but perhaps it was just one of those and Maine Road did enough to keep them unsettled. The home team certainly are looking more of a unit and really use more of the playing area than recent outings. With a new management team and an 100% win record (well, 2 out of 2 so far) the momentum has got to be built upon. The lads are in a league where a good run of wins can really put them in with the movers and shakers and away from the sinking and quakers. Looking ahead there are some very winnable games coming up with a good test away at Ashville at the end of Feb. Who knows what is in store, one thing is for certain, I will be at quite a few of the games and enjoying what transpires. You never know, if I play my cards right I may be the next centre spread in the 'Duffy's Donglers' mag - ooh I best get my bottle of Dr Stiffy Cream out!
Sunday 31 December 2023
BLUES WIN OUT UNDER THE GREY
Tuesday 19 December 2023
FULL BLOODED CUP ACTION
16th December 2023 - Droylsden FC 5 v 3 Longridge Town - The shambolic state of the belfry after a year of emotional battering has seen me on the back foot as regards doing football reports of late. It has been a tough year with the latest body blow coming via the unexpected loss of my best mate and touchline buddy STP Stu. We pootled here and there, nattered and enjoyed many games, cafe visits and of course gigs. He was taken a few weeks back and I have wandered around like a gutted fish ever since. After my health scares earlier in the year, the loss of the fine Mother-in-Law that knocked the stuffing out of my wonderful wife, a few more losses on the punk scene and many everyday gripes, this has been a real shitbag of a campaign that has seen me dip into depths I thought were left behind. Hey fuckin' ho and on we must go and so after a morn doing chores whilst the lasses went to a dance fundraiser, we three stalwarts eventually were sorted and out. My fantastic daughter was dropped at the local train station, me and the missus went to Debdale Park for a walk. The birds were fed (utterly important), recorded (crucial), a few fungi were recorded too (a veritable must) and a warm brew was bagged (unavoidable behaviour these days) and we had a fine stroll. We are simple folk, we want to do what we do, make a difference and be always true to one another and anyone who is decent to us - onwards.
To the football we went, Droylsden was the choice due to a friendly nudge by joint manager and decent bloke Phil Cooper. We arrived, had a wander and gasbagged. Seats were chosen and my pen and paper were ready. Here are my considerations, I hope they continue where I left off and help keep people intrigued about this fine 'under the radar' game.
The start of the game saw Longridge Town put in some good possession whilst gently probing and looking for a killer ball. No 2 (Mitchell Marshall) posted a few early knocks into the box, all questions of the home defense were tidily answered. No 10 (Paul Turner) for the guests had a shout for a penalty that was ignored by the black clad central official and then Droylsden had their first sortie forth via a rapid breakaway that saw No 11 (Fuad Kasali) dash like his rear was laden with furious fire-ants. No 9 (Nellson Van) looked to receive the crucial pass but as his legs whirred and he looked to collect and bury the ball, the opposing No 1 (Kier Barry) was out to collect in the nick of time.
The game continued with both teams trying to play sound football. A Droylsden free-kick brought the next glimmer of net bulging hope. The ball was sent forth, flicked on and booted away. No 8 (Benjamin Lowe) collected, made a quick dart and dink and beat the initial player in his way. A repeat trick was had before the goal was eyed from a decent distance. The player in ownership of the globe was undeterred and let fly a delicious shot that found the bottom corner and surely made a claim for the Fungalised goal of the season, what a way to open the game's account. The celebratory backflips were totally deserved.
Longridge now strove to respond and earned a bonus boot of their own. No 11 (Morgan Homson-Smith) hoofed and No 9 (Dean Ing) put bonce on ball only to send it just the wrong side of the upright. Soon after the guests came again with an attack quelled and then another gratis kick earned. Homson-Smith had a dig at goal, the keeper punched away, No 7 (Scott Harries) tried to bury the follow-up but sent the ball high over the horizontal. As The Ridge prowled with purpose they were caught with their trousers down and conkers exposed. The ball was gained by The Bloods, a liquid 3 pass move came with Van at the apex and battling away so as to get a touch on the ball and double the lead in sterling fashion, 2 - 0 - who would have thought it?
Longridge now upped their efforts, a corner was sent into the box by Homson-Smith with the globe heading goalward but urgently palmed away by the ever-alert mitter. A follow-up corner was hoofed straight out of play - it was very disappointing. Droylsden cultivated some good pressure in response with an angled hoof won. The ball came, a flick on was just missed, a shot was mis-hit, Lowe gathered and weaved inward but only won yet another corner. This time the entrance of the ball in the box caused mayhem. In, out, in, out, a few players tried to shake matters about, the result was a kick from the opposite angle that the keeper did well to punch clear.
Longridge pushed on whilst the half wound down. No 6 (Calen Gallagher-Allison) had a chance close in to slap the sphere into the onion bag but wellied over and then a long ball found Ing who was closely marked by No 6 (Elvis Amoakwa). The ball spurted towards goal, a deathly silence pervaded the Butcher's Arms Ground as the ball nestled in the netting - it was an own goal, a shocker and a late foothold for the trailing team. No further action of any note came before the referee called for a break.
I had a wander for a brew but was in no mood to queue so, pointed the old pecker at the porcelain, sent forth a gush of gold, zipped up and returned to my place next to the good lady. We checked the half-time scores, shared a bit of choccy and watched the teams roll out for period 2 whilst the discordant defecation that spilled from the distorting speakers slowly abated (how about some 60's garage, some underdog punk or even Northern Soul you blighters).
Half 2 and Longridge Town started with good impetus with a corner won. A sweet delivery was the result with the ball slapped off the underside of the bar and into the net by the awaiting Gallagher-Allison to get matters back to all square. The Bloods were guilty of a lapse in concentration methinks.
Longridge pressed once more, a long range effort saw the keeper spill and gather at the second attempt before the home lads had a push with No 6 (Kyle Oakes) finalising matters with a punt wide. The same team had a choice opportunity to retake the lead next when a breakaway saw two players have only the mittman to beat but get involved in a real indecisive mix up that saw the chance disappear into the ether. Undeterred, the hosts came on once more with No 10 (George West) collecting a safe pass, showcasing a pair of twinkle tootsies and after working some space, sending the ball home to recapture the advantage. And yet again, what a delectable goal.
The action was now incessant, The Ridge advanced, a ball out wide was followed by a long laser-like cross that saw Turner nip in and just beat the keeper to level matters yet again. This was turning into a real lottery, would the next goal be the golden ball and bag the cup victory?
With matters balanced some end to end to action came with an Invasion of the Killer Balloons from Space still distracting some folk who were in serious danger of missing some crucial action (ooh the silly sods). We entered the last 5, the resident pack had a free-kick which was beautifully delivered. The keeper saved a shot, the ball went loose, No 17 (Shaquille Lewis) was on hand to bury, surely that was the clinching moment!
The last throes, Droylsden could have added another but once more two players failed to make their minds up and let the opportunity slip. This was all irrelevant though as soon after the game was sealed when the flank was dashed and a cross saw No 16 (Elliott Fenton) thwack the globe home and finalise the game at 5 goals to 3. A few minutes extra, all done and it was time to consider the Man of the Match which went to No 3 (Harry Shipton) who was pretty ruddy tidy at the back, kept up a good work rate and was an under-the-radar chief component in a solid team's output.
We buggered off home after the game and had a quiet evening, this had been a classic encounter and a good showcase for Non-League - here's to more of the same for the rest of the season.
FINAL THOUGHTS - It had been a couple of years sine we last visited this ground, that was with my mate STP Stu and my lasses where we saw the mighty City of Liverpool come and do what they do. This was a choice return with two well matched teams going toe-to-toe (or pecker to pecker if you are of that persuasion) in a game that had some great goals, open play, good to honest endeavour and a certain Non-League beauty you will never find in the upper echelons of the cash cows arsehole. Longridge Town are not at their best at the mo, but I am sure they will get there. Several players were oozing potential and goals, sometimes it is never going to be your day. We need a trip back to The Mike Riding Ground to see this lot again, the last trip was a cracker with the hosts bagging 7 strikes against a flabbergasted opposition (there were free biscuits too - smashing).
Droylsden FC are looking a decent outfit and look set to do better as the season advances. Many old heads are in the mix with several players recognisable from various clubs I see on my local travels. I like the way they play with purpose and a certain freedom with individuals all working with expression and as part of the pack. I hope we can get back and see how the team are doing before the season ends, we are ultra busy on many fronts but we do try, and on this evidence, it is ruddy well worth it! NB - cheers for the hugs and kind words Brendan Johns - it matters.
Wednesday 25 October 2023
FUNGI, BEARS AND WULFS (OOOPS)
Monday 9 October 2023
SLOPPY POPPIES DEFLOWERED
Half the first, and the opening threat came when the hosts won a free-kick high up the pitch with the breeze at their backs. No 8 (Ryan McKechnie) put in a floater that had a trifle too much weight with No 6 (Jamie Symes) arriving but just not being able to make any contact. A midfield contest ensued with both teams prodding and poking like perverted doctors but failing to make any crucial penetration. The Poppies started to knock forth few questioning balls and gain some territorial advantage but the apical sharpness was lacking and the home lads easily mopped up any danger. Suddenly, the resident ranks broke, a free-kick was won, played and No 9 (Greg Borthwick) gathered in a seemingly innocuous position. With back to goal a turn was made and a glimpse of the onion bag had. A shot came, the ball was buried, this was a fine opener but surely the Poppies were rather akin to Liberace and somewhat slack in the rear department.
Portland now had their peckers enthused. Another swift sortie, No 7 (Luke Sheehy) had the ball at
his tootsies, cut in, put in a glided cross that was hurriedly defended behind
for a corner. This bonus kick was
cleared but Portland continued to exert pressure. No 4 (Josh Williams) put the next cross into the danger
zone with the keeper gathering at the second attempt. Again the home team came, No 11 (Ben Morris) fed No 10 (Brin Doyle) who swept
a shot forth with the guest No 1 (Jakub Lewiarz) doing well to tip over the bar. The corner was once more dealt with.
Bournemouth were on the ropes, the odd foray forth was
easily snuffed out as the leading force looked to double the lead. Morris had a pop from distance that wasn’t
too far wide and then a quick multi-pass move was finalised by Doyle who
boomed his shot into the air and duly let out a justified yell of utter
disappointment. Morris had another dig
after being given time to turn in the box.
The shot took a slight deflection, the man between the uprights did well
to tip over. Again the corner brought no
joy.
Several more corners came toward the Bournemouth zone of
peril, the keeper earned his crust several times and in my opinion, went into
the half time changing rooms as a real stand out player. This was all well and good but his outfield
compatriots needed to up their game to see that he wasn’t on the losing side
come the 90 minute call.
We had a drink for the break, I was caffeine’d out so went
for a cuppa-soup – it was awful. All I
can say is that the gnats around these parts must have awfully big bladders and
the branding company who make this stuff have it all wrong. Surely Cuppa-Shite
is a more honest tag – I will stick to a good old coffee in future that is for
sure. Following this date with defecation
I needed a quick whizz, it came as no surprise that when I pointed the old John
Thomas at the porcelain the smell was a subtle blend of mouldy peas, buggered
chicken with a hint of rectal dust gravy – I failed to quell the smell and just
hoped the next person to use the urinal had a strong constitution.
Back on the touchline and half the second soon began. My lasses decided to sit behind me whilst I
scribbled my notes. Bournemouth started
with a good spell of possession football which was noteworthy enough but few
advances were made. After a Portland corner that was about as effective as a
pair of tissue-based swimming trunks Bournemouth played a long ball laden with danger
but the resident Symes put in an eye-catching block that surely saved his sides bacon.
Bournemouth were certainly having more of the ball but
unlike the great Tony Hart, they were severely lacking in the creativity
department. The home team were
eventually allowed to worm their way back into matters with an initial
free-kick ruined by a rather silly infringement.
The leading team now started to display more urgency on the ball and
produce a greater sense of promise when roaming forth. A free-kick came, the ball went in and out
with Borthwick sending forth a crisp shot that the keeper saved well
(again). The game now carried a good
tempo, at 1-0 this was still up for grabs.
Once more Borthwick had a punt at the netting but again, the
mitted protector was up to the task and stopped any bulging of the mesh.
10 minutes were left, Bournemouth had a minor push that
resulted in a keeping fumble. Somehow a
break was the outcome, No 18 (Joseph Wickham) raced away and found himself with
two defenders hot on his arse and only the keeper to beat. The shot came and was an example of consummate
coolness with the ball nestled in the net and doubling the teams lead. My
pre-match prediction was now looking mighty good.
Action came at either end but the defenders stood firm with the guest keeper called into action yet again when No 5 (Shaun Bessant) for Portland had a poke at goal from a corner but was denied by some solid keeping. From here the time ticked away, high end action fizzled and we were done. The Man of the Match was a close call with Lewiarz for Bournemouth Poppies nearly getting the nod. In the end I had to give the Fungalised pick to No 6 (Jamie Symes) for Portland United who was the veritable rock at the rear and got his head, legs and feet on everything and duly thwarted all the oppositions attempts at gaining a strike.
FINAL THOUGHTS – A new ground visited, 2 new teams seen, a
warm welcome and a viewing of what transpires in the Velocity Wessex Football
League. We can’t complain. Thoughts on the teams were as follows:- Bournemouth
Poppies tried to play too many long balls, they didn’t do enough off the ball
and their options when marauding forward always seemed a little limited. There is a lot of work to do with this lot
but one thing is for sure, the keeper certainly needs to keep his place and
keep putting in stints like today.
Portland United may start to build a good run from here, they have a few
players that catch the eye, look to play some good football and are surely
better than their current position suggests.
The key will be keeping players healthy and hungry and making sure they play wide and when attacking they do so with pace and as a unit. We plan to watch this lot again soon, we are
in the area so why not? I do believe the
next game is a cup match, I would like plenty of goals and to get another
prediction right, and of course, to stay well clear of that darn soup – watch
this space!
FOOTNOTE: We did watch Portland on the following Tuesday - they dominated Romsey Town in a cup match, played some delicious football and won 7 - 0. I avoided any soup-based upset, my lasses enjoyed it and we got back to the lighthouse now PUFC fans - it may be a while before we return but when in the area, we will be on the touchline.