Tuesday, 15 June 2021
Monday, 7 June 2021
5th June 2021 - Denton Town 4 v 1 Vulcan FC - Last weekend I was watching Vulcan FC v Denton Town - this week I am doing the same, this is not like me at all. Variety has got to be the condiment of doofing but time and tasks dictated today so I was strait-jacketed and had no other options available. The morn was busy, gardening, tidying, finalising some wildlife records. I checked a few stats, species seen has passed the 4,200 mark, wildlife areas recorded at is now up to 867 and records input on various national databases stands at just over 81,000. I led my 350th wildlife walk this week, seen over 1000 bands in the last 20 years (since keeping count), reviewed 1600 CD's and this shall be my 365th match report. The outcome, I am potless, as passionate as ever and still pissing in the wind. The key though is - do and do for the love of it, any other way is bogus. Punk not profit, DIY or DIE, give not take - simple hey.
Stats keep me focused, help me to put back and keep my cluttered belfry in some kind of order. I could seek out many more figures, I could put some beads on my nob and use it as an Abacus but then, not being able to count beyond 3 would make my old John Thomas more useless than it already is. I do hope you get the gist though, you gotta keep active, motivated and doofing, talking of which, I was on the touchline again with the sun beating down on the crust and the head wondering how many goals would I witness today (now there's a thought, how many goals have I seen in my life - ooh forget it). STP Stu was my company as well as Gareth and Sandra, punk pirate Paul North and a few other fine bods. I predicted a 6-1 win for Denton, I had placed a bet of 25 rupees with local barman and Indian impersonator Jimmy - he said if I predicted the correct score he would not only pay me but throw in an electric Haggis too (he is Scottish after all). The teams strode forth, I pondered the sexual gratification I could achieve with the said savoury delight stuffed up my arse - game on.
The first action came when Vulcan were awarded a free-kick. No 16 (Stuart Welstead) delivered a low curler which the keeper did well to deal with at his far upright. Denton responded with a corner that was played short, crossed and pinged wide from the cranium of No 5 (Cole McGrath) - it was a real chance lost. This was a decent start from both teams with arse cracks well lathered and brows sporting sun-kissed sweat beads. Denton began to probe but still needed to find the accurate weight of the pass to make that killer move.
A brace of free-kicks came for the hosts, the first was well-fisted bringing back memories of a night in Holland with Liberace. The second was hoofed straight over the bar, rekindling thoughts of a 1970's dwarf-flinging contest in the Dog and Duck. This was a nice open game and a real chance seemed to be not far away. The hosts cultivated a hat-trick of corners. No 7 (Phillip Yuille) had a shot blocked from the first, the next two angled hoofs were best left unmentioned.
The guests now rallied, No 7 (Ben Crowe) collected a long pass and had only the mitter to beat - the finish was awful. In return for this scare Denton's No 9 (Caylem Bateson) turned and twatted with the bottom corner awaiting a good bulging. The travelling No 1 (Paul Salters) dove, reach out a gloved hand and pulled off a quality save - nice work all round.
The stalemate looked to be set when the Vulcanites produced the best football of the game with a threaded ball, played on, stroked through the defence that led to No 15 (Owain Taylor) being crudely tumbled. A penalty was the outcome, a penalty that Welstead stroked home with utter sanguinity. 0 - 1 - well, well, well.
The guests were worth the lead and the onus was now own the resident ranks to get back into this one. After a drinks break The Town won a free-kick that was looped forth calling upon the keeper to tip over. The resultant corner once again lacked quality. Denton tried to bite, it was like watching a toothless hag tackle a frozen pork pie - very little impression was being made. Suddenly a corner was earned, the ball was posted and McGrath arrived and made contact. The home team shouted 'goal', the away team shouted 'no way', I shouted 'my willies rather warm' (one doesn't like to be left out). The referee gave a goal and seemed disinterested in my clammy porker - hey ho, you can't win em' all.
The kick off came, Vulcan were still reeling, Denton were ablaze, Within seconds No 11 (Lewis Loughman) was left to advance and have a punt. The ball left the foot, called off at 'Deflectionsville' on its way to goal and was soon seen to arrive a destination 'Goal' in a matter of nano-seconds. 2 -1 - what a turn-around.
The heat now began to rise both on and off the pitch. Voices were raised, the referee dealt with matters in the best way, the game cracked on and Town's No 10 (Shaq Lewys) muscled his way into position, placed a pass which was touched on for Yuille to pop up and collect. The goal was spied, a daisy beheading shot flew forth, the keeper had no chance, 3 - 1 and the best strike of the game - and then half-time came.
We had a brew for the break, soaked up the rays and chatted away. Being a 'no phone' man my wife had tried to get in touch via Stu's mobile - I gave her a ring to find out her mum had collapsed and they were waiting for help - oh heck. I am blessed with a good Mother-In-Law, a lady who has always been good to us and a decent woman now struggling in her old age. Fingers crossed things get sorted, sometimes life can be a real mocking bastard.
The game restarted, I felt a trifle subdued and as a reflection the game also became something of the same (or was it just me). Denton wasted two gratis gifts and then the ball fell to the eager feet of Lewys. A spurt followed, the striker had options either side but it was obvious the intent was on having a dig. A fraction of space presented itself, the shank was swung and a quite gratifying strike was bagged - 4 - 1 - my prediction was still on, my rear was tingling in anticipation,
From here a certain 'snuffing out' dictated matters with no real chances coming. Some solid tackling, good work from both rears and some solid containing work all put paid to any definitive opportunities. Bateson for Denton put in a wriggling run but was foiled by some top notch defending and then Vulcan had a period of urgency but just lacked the assassins touch to cause any great concern.
Another break for a cooler and the last period saw Vulcan have the best chance when a swift move left Taylor with room to bury. The shot came, was blocked and the follow-up effort looked certain to land in the onion bag - the outcome was a punt into the azure Heavens. A throw in for the visitors saw No 3 (Joe Coveney) glance on with the crust and stretch the keeper and then the game gasped its last breaths and we were done. Not a classic second period but we did get a choice goal and the end result was justified, Man of the Match goes to Denton Town's No 9 (Caylum Bateson) who, despite being a goal scorer, didn't get a goal today but who put in an exemplary stint with great passion, selfless off the ball running and a never say die attitude. It was a real good 90-minute stint, good on ya fella, a controlled and tireless performance.
Farewells were had, Gareth and Sandra kindly dropped me off home after the match (thank you) and I cracked on and cooled down. A good game and worthy of Denton Town's biggest attendance for 3 years - lovely.
FINAL THOUGHTS - Vulcan FC cobbled a team together, came, got struck in and were ultimately conquered. The attitude though was spot on, for me the club will be better for this season and next year I am expecting an improvement, It has been a strange campaign, a late spurt seemed to be on and then the shaft of hope went all flaccid - perhaps the gas left the tank a little too early or it is another thing to blame on Covid. A pimple on the arse, a swollen nipple, spots before the eyes and a bad end of season - all symptoms of the virus it seems. Denton Town did what they needed to do and although they are looking to be runners-up and miss out on promotion the foundations are there on which to build and next year they need to hit the ground running and make sure they battle hard for the full 90 minutes of each and every game. Quality runs deep within the team, the end product of moves needs fine tuning and off the ball hollering needs upping but, other than that, it is all looking good.
I sign off with the Mother-in-Law on my mind and re-emphasising that in life football is not as important as it seems but is a game to enjoy, respect and be bloody well grateful of if you are involved. Think on, be fair, be decent and be happy to be in touch with the hoofing game at the proper level.
PS - I will miss the last game of the season as I am due to lead a nature walk but thanks to all for this season's campaign, the many chits and chats and the fine enthusiasm - and also to Phil the Chairman for letting me do a bit for nature and the free book today - nice one. Double PS - Jimmy - stick yer fuckin' haggis and good luck on the light entertainment circuit! See ya all soon.
Thursday, 3 June 2021
1st June 2021 - Denton Town 1 v 1 Winnington Ave 94 - Summertime is here, it is easy to recognise - look at the lunatic behaviour out there and the gnawing procedure that is throwing everyone headlong into an all-consuming maelstrom. I am a tetchy DIY punk bastard, I feel a bit rough too, acid reflux, aching joints and a frustration with the world in general. A bit of sun on the glabrous pate and I may just crack at any time - ooh me ruddy noggin. Luckily I have a means of escape - noise, nature and non-league - and although these 3 areas are invaded by much nob-rottery, within the simplicity I cling on to, I hope to fight for some semblance of sanity. The glorious game at level 'reality' is there to be enjoyed, mulled over and to keep heads enthused - as long as machoism, rank stupidity and 'my dad can fight your dad' idiocy stay out of it what we have is a world of fun, good wholesome competitiveness and a way to keep minds away from more mundane going's-on. I arrived at the ground hopeful of some head-clearing animation and found a corner where I indulged in a solo-chill. I chomped on 4 turkey salad sandwiches, swilled a bottle of Ribena and partook of the literary weavings of Emile Zola. A local lady came for a chat as did Denton Doofer Rob Nicholson. It was a shame to hear the work I have been doing for nature is getting trampled by local youths and I felt my spirits plunge no end when I witnessed the same tramplings during the match. Note to self - cut your losses. As time ticked on the carcass was moved. I belched, cleared the burning food tube and picked a spot where I was joined by touchline friends Gareth and Sandra and a few other amiable bods including Denton's keeping coach Aaron Tyrer. I duly let the pen weave a merry path over the notepad, albeit in a tired and downbeat kind of way. Come the end of 90 minutes I needed a good squirt, was rather clemmed, tired and had scribbled the following observations.
Like a drugged up Greg Norman with a rectum full of vibrating golf balls the Winnington lads were animated from the off and looking to knock their opponents straight down the fairway of no hope with a chance of putting them in the rough. A quite glorious crossball invaded the hosts red alert zone, it was a shame to witness some final contact that was pure crap. The guests came again, a whipping cross flashed wide, and then after another foray forth Denton's No 10 (Shaq Lewys) purloined the sphere in his own half and went on a rampaging bull run that it was advisable to stay well clear of. The legs pounded the green baize, momentum was unimpeded by several timid tackles, the end shot came, the save at the near post was more than adequate. 2 corners followed, both lacked penetration.
The game continued, the travelling pack were the more impressive unit and had the better of the chances. No 7 (Reece Barratt) had a decent pop that just missed the right side of the vertical. Denton reacted with some beefy work from their No 9 (Caylem Bateson). A corner was the reward for the efforts, alas the delivery was far from good enough. Back and forth the game went, the next action arising from a stunning pass from W94's No 15 (Jack Duffy) who sweetly found No 11 (Steven Warburton). A swift pass followed, No 9 (Shane Davies) looked to latch onto it and open the scoring, the home No 1 (Phillip Pole) however was quick off the mark and gathered well.
A highly animated game continued, Denton's No 8 (Joshua Mainwaring) provided a lovely touch and pass which Lewys benefited from, A booming shot ensued, it looked on target but these peepers were very much mistaken. Darn my ruddy spectacles.
A water break was brief and from the restart the guests pounced. An angled kick was won, the ball was posted with many potential recipients rising and failing to make contact. At the far post Duffy was allowed time to gather and set his sights - wallop, 0 -1 the touchpaper had been lit.
This lead was nearly doubled soon after when a choice long ball saw Warburton gallop like a man with pepper on his gonads. A shot came, a deflection had, which was followed by a quality save. More sorties forth came, Denton were on the back foot and not looking like a promotion chasing team. The hosts managed to hold on to the break only 1 goal down - there was still a chance of bagging this one.
TANGENTS - For half-time I stayed put and waggled the jaw with a few of the aforementioned folks. Denton Dave came for a natter and relayed a couple of startling facts. Who knew that one's testicular sac was a great place for rearing young turtles and equally fascinating was the fact that Dave once spent 6 weeks in a bath of Ravioli so as to raise awareness for neglected Hunchbacks - the man has a heart of perverted gold. I once had a pseudo-Hunchback experience. I overdosed on a batch of acid after reading Victor Hugo's famed novel. I tripped out and ended up in a room decorated in dead men's willies. It was a ghastly journey and when a local vagabond found me in a heap muttering the shock laden words of 'ooh the bells, the bells' - I wonder if he truly understood what I meant.
Before the game restarted I was given a pot of mint by a kind gent I know from the touchline, what a lovely thing to do. It will be wisely planted, I reckon at Cheadle Heath Nomads and then when grown will be spread elsewhere. The game recommenced, Winnington carried on from where they left off. A mouth-watering long ball came, Duffy displayed a moment of outstanding skill and put in a sound cross. A killer touch was missing which was a real shame as it would have made for some goal.
With Winnington looking for the kill, Denton upped their response. A cross followed a simplistic move, Bateson showed great technique and walloped via a pseudo-scissor kick that seemed to tear him a new arsehole. The ball had too much uplift and sizzled over the bar. The hosts were now activated into a determined drive. A ball was stroked out wide following a brace of passes. The cross was instantaneous and Bateson was there again, this time to nut home from a tight angle and round off a real contender for team goal of the season. What an absolute pearling equaliser - a brilliant moment.
The new found belief of Denton now contributed to a real good half of football with both team's looking for the winner. The home lads came again, the Winnington defence opened up like a vicar's butt cheeks in a satanic gay bar (a terrible thing to witness don't ya know). A shot looked to be on but the visiting No 4 (Ben Lambert) put in a pure top drawer tackle.
Tireless indulgence in the game came, The Town had a couple more attempts at goal. No 14 (Aaron Clayton) put a pop through a pack of players, the keeper did well to watch the flight of the globe and collect. A long ball came next, No 5 (Cole McGrath) the deliverer with No 17 (Richard Farrington) on it. The defending mittman advanced, a shot came, the groans emitted told the tale of the outcome - wide of the mark the ball went.
The deadlock seemed immovable, a stalemate looked set in stone until a certain disarray invaded the Denton rear parts. W94's Warburton worked forth, the ball was squeezed to Duffy who only had to hit the strike zone - the effort had too much fizz and uplift - chance gone.
Despite the resident ranks playing with desperation and creating some good sub-chances, Winnington stood firm, protected and tried to pounce, but failed to make any further impression. There was good tension in the contest up until the last with all player's getting on with matters and playing the game in good spirit. 1 -1 was the outcome, it had been a fair game of football with Winnington's No 15 (Jack Duffy) the Man of the Match after showing some fine skill, exhibiting a thinking brain and putting in a decent workrate that kept the opposing defence on their toes.
After a chat with the Denton chairman regarding my temporary retirement from the nature Project due to pesky invaders and a share of gen on the wide world of music I beetled off home ready for a snooze. Not a bad game this, it could prove quite decisive.
FINAL THOUGHTS - The away team came with high intentions and put in a very good shift. The first half they deserved the lead and should have been 2 up if the truth be told. Communication was excellent at all times, in all areas of the pitch they had some quality and the keeper at the rear organised his ranks well and seemed to be in the right place, at the right time, on numerous occasions. The unit are always going to be are difficult nut to crack, similar in fact to the rare Buttock Nuts of the African Wildman which I once tried to bite through after the said maniac got me in a special wrestling hold. By heck me choppers were sore after that encounter. Denton Town took out their footballing todge tonight, took aim and had a good piss on their chips of hope during the first 45 minutes. Tucked up and ready for the second period they gave a better account of themselves but the damage had been done and Winnington were certainly not going to be pushovers. With great fortune, promotion may still be had, but I reckon next season will be the time to see this club really shine. All the tools are in place, there seems a good camaraderie around the gaff, all we need do is have patience and get out there supporting.
Monday, 31 May 2021
Wednesday, 26 May 2021
25th May 2021 - Cheadle Heath Nomad Reserves 5 v 3 Windle Labour FC - 19.00 hours, the scene was set. The local Nomadic posse was in town, waiting for a showdown with the travelling bandits from down St Helens way. Rumour had it that a few gunslingers were in the vicinity - namely - Try-It Twerp, Messy Staines, Wild Bill Cock-Up, Billy The Skid (Mark) and Muffalo Bill. It was a shame Thrutch Cassidy couldn't make it but his recent strainings down below had seen him laid up in his shack whilst being attended to by Calamitous Jane. Hey ho - these things happen! So the shoot-out was set, I looked on as the black-clad sheriff looked to maintain law and order. Tonight I was pen and paper free, this report is merely the recollections from the cranial gunk, hold onto your saddles folks, things could get mighty rough out in these here parts - hot darn tootin'.
The game kicked off, both sides looked to play things real smooth with the opening goal coming via the hosts after a liquid move was finalised by the marksman No 10 (Kyle Foley)! A response was sought, things looked promising until the game was halted, a warning was given to the pink clad Windle keeper (ooh suits you sir) and an indirect free-kick was granted to the hosts in their opponent’s box. As one can imagine, things became heated, verbals began to fly and temperaments began to melt quicker than a wax vibrator left on a sunny windowsill. The bonus boot was taken, a touch and wallop - 2-0 it was and a touchline eruption came. A red card was shown, men sporting bibs emblazoned with the words 'respect' seemed to be unaware of the meaning of the word and a minor merry Hell ensued. The local preacherman's daughter ran for cover, western porn-star Clit Eastwood downed several Rye Whiskeys and Annie Chokely accidently shot off her left titty as things started to get a trifle 'stupid'. The Nomad players were persuaded to let their opponents score a gratis goal, the man in the middle was duly labelled a 'right twat' - there was much injustice apparent. The game needed help, I tried to wire a telegram to that nosey-do-gooder Casey Jones, apparently he was stuck out in the backwoods after a unprecedented landslide.
The game continued, both units tried to play, the thermality had lowered somewhat but the visiting bench kept up their niggling commentary. More goals came, somehow Windle had got their noses in front with a hat-trick of strikes that were all of decent quality. The action was interspersed with several goal-line clearances and a few quality saves from both ends. The Nomads finished the first 45 on the back foot and an explanation as to this sudden turn of events was lacking. The break came, I was expecting the local Can-Can Girls to serve up a knicker flashing treat, all I got was a glimpse of George Gibbons (Nomads Chairman) arse crack as he bent down to pick up a few quarters from the well-traversed touchline (it just didn't have the same arousing appeal).
Half two began, the game stood at 2-3! Both packs had reloaded and looked to mow down their enemies with efficient accuracy. The Nomads were instantly at it and from the kick-off a deliciously simplistic move saw Foley bag a hat-trick and put the end result up for grabs. A few more dubious decisions came, the gobwork aimed at the man in the middle was saucy but remained in check, one had serious concerns though if any more untoward decisions were made.
The next strike soon came, it was from the penalty spot with the Nomads No 4 (Lee Constantine) slotting home with aplomb. The verdict looked fine and dandy - it was just as well. We now had a period of decent battling football, credit where credit is due with the WL frontmen battling away with fair gumption and unlucky not to get the rub of the green on several occasions. Suddenly the hosts broke, a couple of passes and Foley was there yet again to sweep home - it was now 5-3, a game with everything, even a low flying Ring Neck Parakeet shouted out in excitement. It was a pity the local Red Indian Tribe took offence to this avian delight and the leader ‘Big Chief Rubber Ring’ nailed the noisy flutterer with a will-aimed arrow.
The final throes looked to be settled until yet more off-pitch hollering crossed a border and the referee, with a face of disgust and dejection decided to call it a day. The straw breaking the camel’s back was a threat laden with ill-intent, just imagine if there were kids present, just imagine what the consequences could have been due to a lack of discipline - not good at all is it. So the game was done, a potential belter abruptly full-stopped for all the wrong reasons - hey fuckin' ho. Man of the Match, No 10 (Kyle Foley) I don't think I need explain why although mention must go to the Nomad's No 1 (Jake Gartside) who had a right confidence building game - a very positive aspect on which to sign off - hot diggity dog!
FINAL THOUGHTS - We have had over 12 months of pandemic-based piss arsing and in some quarters there has been no progress. A chance to reflect, ponder and come forth with a more respectful and positive attitude has been lost in a majority of realms and even Non-League football is an example of this. The referee had a shocker, but the fact is, these guys come, allow the games to go ahead and certainly don't deserve to be subjected to the trash talk on show tonight and issued with vile threats. Football is game, nothing more, nothing less, if we can't enjoy, behave and encourage at this level then what chance the world - sadly the answer seems to be 'no chance'.
The events of the night were a shame and the way in which matters were called to a halt were justified but still left a sour taste in the gaping gob. The bench of Windle Labour let themselves down and got too hot under the collar and so blighted their attempts at winning an intriguing contest. The team played some good football at times, really moved the ball about well and on one or two occasions were a stroke away from scoring a couple of very memorable goals. Instead they went home with no points, with a few folk looking foolish and with a few regrets to suck on - not the best way to finish a night of ball hoofing. As per, The Nomads kept their heads down, cracked on and let their triggers do the talking. Several strikes were wonderful, the keeper made some quality stoppages and, despite having a mid-game blip and allowing the opposing team back into the mix, the squad did well to take stock and retake command - good work I reckon and always a pleasure to see.
So home I went after the game was prematurely pulled. I was baffled by the going's-on, befuddled by some people's inability to take great pleasure in watching a game unaffected by big business shittery and certainly discombobulated by the need to hurl abuse and be so ruddy embarrassing in public. If people are so wound up in life my advice is to go and visit a local 'Wank Doctor' - learn a few new tugging techniques and then find a tee-pee, zip up the flaps and spend a week getting all the inner angst out of the system. If one reappears with a sore nob but, with a more genial and considered approach, the job will have been a good un'. Remember - there are people dying, homeless, starving, mentally ill, in all sorts of trouble and with no hope within a world turning to utter shit. Football is a blessed escapism, a place to encourage, enthuse and share some great moments and quality time whilst keeping folk happy and off the dusty, depressing streets. Respect isn't just a word, it is a way of life, think fuckin' on - so sayeth Davy Fuckett - 'King of the Mild Frontier' and I for wholeheartedly concur.
And to add – from Windle Labour on Twitter – ‘The club would like to issue an apology to everyone involved in last night’s fixture including the Cheshire Football League and we will work to address the issues. Last night was an embarrassing moment and again we offer our apologies. It’s not something that represents our club in any way'.
This is good to read – note to self to catch em’ again soon and do them a report that does them justice. One has gotta be honest and fair!
Saturday, 22 May 2021
22nd May 2021 - Denton Town 7 v 0 Newtown Athletic - And so, after a break due to the viral invasion and having been weighed down with many tasks, the time has come to pen a new football report. The approach, after this latest rules-riddled lockdown is to pick and choose where I scribble but still do what I do in the same flowing and ad-hoc manner. During a time when it has been proven that many need a good jab up the arse to get them moving, rather than one in the arm, I have cracked on and taken on many tasks and strove to do what I do for things I believe in. Now, the football assessments I hope, will maintain the quality despite dipping in quantity - we shall see.
The day began with a heap of natural history tasks tackled, a quick tidy and a few tasty victuals thrown down the grub-tunnel. My good lady dropped me off for the match as she was off to her mum's to take some shopping and see how the aged relative was doing. I met STP Stu and we adopted hand-picked positions after brews and chips were acquired. I decided to watch the match on one leg whereas Stu was going for the upside-down angle - from these body straining contortions I have managed the following account whereas Stu attempted to drink a warm beverage and only succeeded in burning his globes and creating a hefty neck cramp. Note must be made that teamsheets were acquired via Denton 'Love Lips' Dave Starkey, who seemed to be doing a lot of itching down below and calling the referee a few rather uncouth names - make of that what you will. Jimmy (the customer service guru) also from Denton joined us but refused to contort his physical framework, he claimed that his arthritic anus was giving him gyp, such are the hazards of riding a Penny Farthing to and from matches.
The game began at 1.15pm, my digits picked up a chosen writing implement (a penis pen from Blackpool of course) and started to ejaculate the inky semen across the awaiting page. The initial action saw the Town push and probe with No 10 (Shaq Lewys) nearly sneaking an early goal but the contact made was rather limp to say the least. Newton scrambled around, earned a free-kick that saw the ball go forward, backward and then towards goal via the toes of No 8 (Marc Moorfield) who could only find the keepers middle gut. The game continued at a middling pace, No 9 (Caylem Bateson) for The Town had an average pop that really didn't trouble the mitter and then No 11 (Liam McDowell) had a dig after a sequence of good passing but again, the gent between the uprights was there to collect.
Denton were now in control, No 4 (Phil Yuille) stroked a delicious ball to McDowell who posted a cross that Bateson pounced upon like a vulture on a dying flasher's nob. The contact made was adequate - 1 -0 it was. Soon after this strike a corner for Denton saw No 7 (Lewis Loughman) finalise with a shot that went wide - the question on everybody's lips was did the keeper make a save? The referee said 'no' - get on with it ya bastards.
Newton were offering little although some dithering Denton defending saw Moorfield for the guests nearly nip in and cultivate a chance - the ball however decided to quell rising hopes by rolling into the dead zone. Next and Newton had a go at flapping at the back with Bateson allowed to have a punt that was thwarted by the outstretched peg of No 18 (Ross Kelman). McDowell for Denton had a shot saved next and then a break came for the same squad with Lewys placing a pass for Bateson to lash and the travelling No 1 (James Artell) to neatly deal with,
The half wound down to the break in the same below par state. 2 Swifts flew over, it was the quickest action seen so far. A couple of shots came at either end before the break, there was no penetration of any netting (unless you count a local yokel's nipple protruding through his string vest) and that was that. This was far from a thriller.
Tea and a chinwag - 3 of us were of the opinion that an upsurge in action was needed, we didn't consult the other 3 in attendance as they looked to be enjoying 40 winks.
Half two and lo and behold, something akin to urgency was invading the game. A free-kick to the leading pack led to a moment of panic that the Athletic lads look relieved to survive. Denton continued to build but were falling into the trap of too many passes pissing in the broth. Newton bounded forth, their No 10 (Lewis Davenport) was the apical component of a simplistic move and the shot released was robust enough. The mittman however, despite having an easy day of it, remained composed and collected without fuss.
The team ahead pushed, they chomped with about as much success as a toothless hag tackling a frozen pork chop - no impression was made. The game looked to be falling into the soporific realms of static when a Denton corner came, a shot led to a quite farcical handball decision and Newton were suddenly down to 10 men and facing a penalty. Loughman stroked home with aplomb - a double dig for the guests and from the kick off the insult was added to when a sweeping move saw a shot for Denton saved, a follow-up bring a shout of handball and then a third attempt clatter the underside of the horizontal. The referee concurred with the penalty hollerings, Loughman repeated his recent bout of penetrative hoofing - 3 - 0 folks, the end result was decided.
After a delay a restart came, Denton's Lewys raced forth, from a crowded angle let fly - stop press, make that a 4-goal lead. I was struggling to keep up to speed here when suddenly the ball was once again played forth by the leading pack with No 5 (Vole McGrath) playing to Loughman and No 16 (Keith Blake) finishing matters without fuss.
The game was done as a contest, Newton Athletic tried to grab a consolation with Moorfield placing a free-kick that lacked disguise and so was easily read by the No 1 (Phil Pole). The ball went straight down to the opposite end, Lewys was on it, again at the angle - make that a dozen folks, who would have thought it?
The nib of my pen was now glowing like the tip of an Indian man's pecker after an accident with a sack of curry powder. I full stopped my latest observations, looked up and saw a Denton corner fall onto the head of McGrath who could only find the keeper's hands and then a sweeping move highlight some good touch play with the ball neatly placed for McGrath to amend matters and comfortably guide homeward. The lucky 7 was struck, the referee halted the whitewash soon after - well, it keeps the goal averages up.
Farewells and a pootle home to ponder the final scoreline, by crikey, to make this sound interesting I need to summon the ghosts of Billy Shakespeare and Babs Cartland and let them spill their literary advice. Man of the Match goes to Denton Town's No 7 (Lewis Loughman) for 2 goals, quick feet and a desire to try and create and inject some energy into a game that went too flat on too many occasions.
FINAL THOUGHT - Firstly to Newton Athletic, a team struggling, just plodding to the end of the season and no doubt just using games as run-outs and a chance to try something new. There is no point in busting a gut or getting stressed at this stage, for me, the team just need to go out for their remaining matches, express themselves, go for a gung-ho approach and just enjoy themselves before preparing for the next campaign. They were poor today although their goalkeeper deserves a mention after a string of decent saves and the fact is, they turned up, had a go, and refused to play dirty and start the old piss and moan malarky. Denton Town are on it and looking for a promotional spot. To be fair, the first half performance lacked hunger and urgency and if their opponents could have sneaked a surprise goal things may have been a little more stressful. In the end they coasted home here but they need to go at matters full tilt for the rest of the season and get teams dead and buried before the break. The key is too not get too obsessed with this continental passing play and be more assertive and direct. They will certainly be in the end shake-up though, tis' a nail biter to savour with only one of three assured of a promotional spot. I have my truss of anticipation tightened, my rectum of hope clenched, I just need to sharpen my nib and make sure the aforementioned Mr Starkey doesn't lace my pre-match brew with any love-dust - the man's sexual appetite is insatiable.