NO FUNGI BUT GOALS APLENTY

29th August 2022 - Euxton Villa 2 v 4 Chadderton FC - There ain't no rain and ye olde Fungalised git is getting frustrated.  I have walks to lead and everywhere I go the shrooms are not showing themselves.  A morn spent at Ainsdale Sands Lake produced no mycological magic so we (myself, missus and some friends) sought other things and were blessed with a Sand Lizard, some good galls, a few orthopterans and some blooms we don't see every week of the year.  I tried to fill up on liquids and piss here and there in the hope of encouraging spore-laden eruptions, I think I ended up polluting the local area instead (bastard). After a brew and chits and chats we headed to today's ground with myself, as per, crummy and unkempt after scrambling around here and there.  Upon arrival STP Stu was in situ (he's more reliable than the fungi) and after saying 'howdo', purchasing a brew and a pie we took up our positions and watched the game unfold.  This was a new ground for all three of us, it is good to have a change and hopefully spread the word of another Non-League outfit - it is just a small way of trying to put back.

The game began under cloudy skies and finished with a breeze blowing, alas no rain fell (aagghhh).  The first half opened with Chadderton pressing and Euxton providing a quick counterpunch.  No 9 (Matthew Davies) darted away and put in a fiery low cross that sizzled the daisies but was dealt with by an outstretched defensive shank.  The guest team though were unmoved and applied a goodly amount of pressure in a quite hectic start to the game.  A free-kick was eventually earned from the persistent mither, the result was something best described as 'utterly wank'.  The Chad Lads came once more, the ball went outward with No 11 (Cory Knight) making a nice touch and having a punt at the angle that was deflected behind.  The resultant corner had too much 'oomph' and left all awaiting assassins scratching their bonces in frustration.

The away team kept on forcing the issue, they were akin to a constipated cow trying to produce the reeking goods in order to please the dung collecting farmer known as Crapper O' Toole.  Another angled hoof was dealt with, a couple of crosses were followed by a bout of head tennis and then a free-kick came that No 5 (Malachi Clarke) connected with, but the header was off target.  

From the one-way traffic The Euxton crew went against the grain with the eager Davies chasing a lost cause and creating a kerfuffle. The ball rolled loose and No 2 (Kieran Mawdesley) had a pop that ended with the ball flying disappointingly over the bar.  At the other end two more kicks came from the corner with the first totally shite, the second better and dealt with. An immediate re-cross came, Clarke flicked the ball goalward with the host No 1 (Joshua Brooks) saving well.

The Villans pounced next, Davies worked hard, put the ball to the other side of the pitch and found No 11 (Joshua Briggs) who struck with sanguinity.  The ball left the boot from distance and was soon bulging the upper corner of the onion bag - 1 - 0 - what a glorious strike to witness.

From here Chadderton dug deep and strove to get back to parity but just fell shy at the last. Euxton indulged in a smooth passing sequence with the apical component of Briggs putting in a good strike that the keeper did well to push behind. From the following corner, No 4 (Jordan Schofield) could only nut over, it was a decent chance.  The hosts had their peckers up, Chaddy's No 3 (Joseph Richards) was dispossessed with No 7 (Dan Singleton) getting away and shooting wide.  The rebound from this latest scare saw the guest ranks create minor mayhem with several threaded balls that went this way and that before Knight dealt with matters and buried the equaliser.

The break was now beckoning, balance had been restored and things looked to be fairly settled for the interval.  Suddenly Chadderton pressed and earned themselves a corner.  The ball was whipped in, No 9 (Adam Dale) made contact with his ever available noggin - 1 - 2 it was and a fine turn around was complete.  The break came soon after, both teams deserved a rest methinks.

We stayed put and nattered whilst a breeze was welcome.  This had been a good game so far and the second half far from easy to predict.  All 3 pre-match predictions were still in with a chance, come full time though, would anyone lay claim to being a footballing prophet?

The second period began with Chaddy showing urgency and creating much mither for the hosts.  A cross-ball came and found the mercurial No 7 (Mauro Mendes) who dinked and wriggled, cut in and fired a shot that was just off target. The mounting trouble grew for the home team, a response was had with a good lather made and a corner won.  The ball was delivered long. No 4 (Ethan Darr) was waiting at the back stick and 2 - 2 it was.

Chadderton refused to take this insulting penetration lying down (unlike Joan Collins and similar stars with spring-loaded legs).  The team responded by building up a good lather with Mendes bursting into the box and getting up-ended.  Penalty was the decision, Schofield strode up and coolly got his team back in front.

The game now became a busy and bustling affair with the leading pack looking to cement matters and the trailers keen to claw their way back into things.  Euxton tried to force the issue, Davies had a shot cleared off the line, corners and free-kicks came but Chadderton stood firm,  An angled kick against the flow came, Euxton were found wanting and after a defensive mix-up No 8 (James Purfield) slammed home on the turn and gained his side an all important cushion.  It was nearly 2 - 5 after a defender/keeper mix up and then Euxton came on with the closest attempt via Darr who trembled the upright (phwoar).

The closing stages saw another last ditch clearance by the guests, Euxton's impressive Davies chip the keeper and hit the framework and a few half chances come either way and disappear into the overall animation.  The game ended with the points taken back down Oldham way and Euxton rueing missed chances and licking their wounds.  Man of the Match goes to Chaddertons No 4 (Jordan Schofield) a stalwart at the back, confident and tidy and having the gift of a goal on an all-round productive day - not bad at all.

FINAL THOUGHTS - I thought that the whole Euxton Villa set up was a grand do today and the atmosphere of the place and the general surroundings are all persuasive to us visiting again. The team have several good players, one or two with notable experience and an attitude to crack on that is highly commendable.  Today they were slightly careless in conceding 4 goals and really should have had a draw out of this game.  The final thrustings displayed a desire that, if used earlier, could have altered the end result - maybe next time.  Chadderton now stand at position 2 in the First Division North.  Success has been a long time coming but this could be their year.  They are a well organised team with options aplenty but as per, to keep the points coming they will have to stay highly disciplined and keep their heads held high when on the back foot.  Today they showed a good resilience and may just be one of the teams to be reckoned with as the season progresses - a trip back to The Falcon Fire Stadium is long overdue.  If I hear there be fungi growing on the pitch I shall be there as quick as a flash - Stinkhorns and Soccer - what a combo.

PH VALUE - NEUTRAL

6th August 2022 - Prestwich Heys 1 v 1 Litherland Remyca - The fungal precipice is being walked upon, I am set for a busy season leading walks and striving to inform people about the value of fungi and if they don't get due protection the whole environmental machine will grind to a halt. The morn was spent at Denton Town, we are striving to help nature, I was disappointed to see weed-killer had been used in certain areas, I have requested this be stopped so we can keep things natural, healthy and safe for all - I am willing to tidy up manually, I am not an idle arse.  After a good potter with the missus we darted home, stuffed lunch and dashed to the Mother-In-Laws - we dropped off her shopping, bought her a cake and picked up a few plant pots that will help the Denton project.  From here we drove to today's chosen ground, paid our dues and settled in the sun to watch some FA Cup action.  The beams were bonny indeed and I do need to invest in a hat to cover my glabrous pate. I want a Sombrero, I may go for a Stetson or indeed an Imperial Japanese Army Hat - watch this space, a twat in a hat will manifest itself very soon.

So with belfries blessed by solar goodness we watched the first period unfold.  An early chance fell to the home 'erberts with No 9 (Connor Morris) breaking the offside trap and squeezing a pass to No 11 (Dylan Fitzgerald) who tried to beat the keeper with an impish chip.  The ball rose and fell, alas behind the bar.  The Hey Mob breezed forth once more soon after. Fitzgerald produced a delectable touch that was touched on with No 4 (Kai Haigh) chasing down and only denied by a keeper who was off his line in double quick time.

A corner for Heys came next, the keeper fisted well, in fact the last time I saw a fisting like this was whilst the Prince of Wales was in a compromising position with a homo-erotic Bill Oddie look-a-like - by heck that was a strange night.  The Remyca eventually settled, won a corner but were witness to a commanding defensive header by the home No 5 (Rudy Misambo) - a man with an aerial dominance that was consistent all afternoon.

Litherland Remyca now began to give a good account of themselves with much hustling and a few balls into the box of peril. Prestwich had the next real chance though with Morris and Fitzgerald linking up and the latter disappointingly firing over.  Fitzgerald soon came again with a strong, imposing run.  A ball was knocked crossfield to No 7 (Connor Berry) who took one touch, cut in and walloped.  The ball, once more was overloaded with elevation, it was a definite chance missed.

Litherland returned the goal scares with a long free-kick from No 2 (Luke Denson) that needed tipping over by the home mitter.  The corner came and skinned many heads without any serious contact made - the first goal was due it seemed and looked to be getting more important by the second. Another shot came at the host No 1 (Russel Saunders), but this time the globe was deflected wide.  An angled hoof followed, the gloved one palmed down but only to No 11 (Jamie McDonald) who fired home and gave his most sincere thanks for the gift.  Now, the onus was on the hosts to up the ante.

The home town lads produced a long ball next, Morris was the apical component and sent in a low shot that the keeper gathered with relative ease.  Prior to the break the trailing team could only summon one corner that was trashed due to a pointless infringement and as the referee blew for the break, Litherland Remyca were looking quite comfortable indeed.

We stayed put for the break, nattered and absorbed the sun whilst nibbling a bit of chocolate.  We were looking forward to a day out tomorrow, wandering amid the greenery, noting all the wild miracles and soaking up a few rays.  Bring it on.

Back to the game and half two went something like this.  A give and take start was eventually put to one side when the resident Berry picked up the ball just inside the opposing half and duly negotiated a crowd of bods before poking forth a shot that squeezed into the bottom corner of the shallot sack.  It was an eye-watering moment for the guests, they looked to be in charge of matters and now were dragged back to all square.  

Some thermality and ill temper now crept into the game with Heys starting to make the most effective plays.  Despite Fitzgerald having a wild and reckless dig very little further threat came.  For all the home team's animation and general liveliness they were creating little and this game looked to be heading for a sure-fire replay. Eventually more positivity and attention to the away goalmouth came with a shot blazed forth and the keeper forced to produced a fine save and then, the same No 1 (Ryan Jones) was made to leave his line to quell the threat by an incoming attacker.  A corner followed these minor scares, the nut of Berry was found at the rear stick but the the cranial contact made sent the ball straight at the keeper.

The Remyca were now under the cosh and in danger of getting it rammed up their arse for that matter.  Heys came on with intent.  McDonald for the visitors had a chance to ease the pressure and gain a shock lead goal but his header from the corner just shied away from the strike zone.  No 19 (Kaiden Barlow) for Heys had a shot on the turn that was deflected wide and soon after No 16 (Tyler James) produced a top notch strike that the mittman did well to palm behind.  The corner came, a nut towards goal needed clearing off the line with No 10 (Callum Nicholas) having the next dig that was wonderfully saved and then 14 (Ashley Cata) having a pop that wouldn't stay on target.

The PH pack pushed with ardour, some in-box head tennis was finalised by James who couldn't find the net.  The finish became scrappy and saw Litherland hang on and gain that replay at their gaff - Prestwich Heys could be rueing the fact that they didn't snatch this one when they had the chance - we shall see.  man of the Match goes to the PH No 5 (Rudy Misambo) - a player who had authority, a controlled temperament and who really looks set to go up to the next level.  No fuss. no griping, just eye on the ball and dealt with - a cracking performance.

FINAL THOUGHTS - So a replay is the end result of a well-balanced game that was just shaded on points by the hosts.  The next game will be equally tough with Litherland looking a hard nut to crack especially as their defence looks well organised and not likely to leak many goals.  Their No 5 (Steven Hoy) was particularly impressive and was a chief player in his side's hard-fought draw. I will keep an eye of the Remycas goal leakage over the coming weeks, I expect it be mightily low.  Prestwich Heys did well to claw their way back into this and have all the makings of a team destined to have a good season.  In all areas they look equipped but for many years now I have thought the same thing and they always seem to come up just short.  There are several key players they need to keep hold of and make sure they start each and every game with great impetus.  The early season is the time to set out ones stall and make sure an impression is made - a good cup run can only help build the impetus and maintain a stronghold on the squads belief and unity - I shall be back down this ground real soon to see how things are going.

ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS (BAH)

2nd August 2022 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 1 v 1 Ashville FC - A visit to my local club and the only game I have pencilled in this opening month.  Father Time has dictated the terms, the calendar is full with a diverse mix that will see me pinging hither and tither and getting my gonads in knots.  I am a great believer in pissing on the static and not going through the expected motions, I am also a great believer in putting something back, hence these scribblings. I shall pick and choose reports this season again though and not overdose anyone on the same team assessments - one has to keep things as fresh as a babbies talcum powered chuff.

So, after a day that saw me get an absolute drenching on the way to work (it were ruddy lovely), a cycle home, quick tea and change, I arrived at the ground to catch up with a few familiar faces and take up the usual position with my good mate STP Stu.  The air was as damp as a vicar's brow during a Miss Topless Teacake Competition and the feeling of further precipitation was never far away. Talk was of music, the worldly mess and forthcoming matches that we may attend or miss due to being busy bastards.  Eventually we had only one game on our minds as the two teams for tonight's contest strode out onto the pitch.  Predictions were made - Stu was already 1-0 up on me this season and so I was looking to level matters with an educated, deeply thought out forecast - how matters transpired will be revealed come the end of this report. John D, Gareth and Sandra put in their predictions too, oh what fools we are!

The globe began to roll and the first battalion to raise a thrill were the hosts after No 7 (Daniel Byrnes) was unceremoniously tumbled.  The free-kick was shite and the fortuitous corner equally poor.  No 11 (Isidro Cata) was a bright spark during the drab opening throes and went on a strong run with a cross delivered that just lacked the sheen of accuracy.  Ashville were not at the races at all, they were playing a long ball over the top style that was becoming increasingly obvious to the resident rear ranks.  The guests eventually won a corner that was delivered with good pace but the home defence survived and the scoresheet remained as bare as the bonce of Telly Savalas.

The game continued, it was an affair as dull as the memoirs of Clement Freud (well, except for that chapter where he had a tumble with his much abused Bassett Hound - ooh the grubby bastard). The Nomads did raise the levels of excitement with a penalty shout but the referee was having none of it and all peckers and nipples of hope soon became flaccid again.

The Nomads were the busier side and looked to open the scoring account but with a bilge free-kick by their No 10 (Ryan Shenton) and a wild shot closer to the local chip shop than the goal by Cata, it looked a darn near certainty that the onion bag would remain unmolested.  Prior to the break a shot on goal did come.  No 3 (Kieran Alley) for the hosts had a chance to bulge meshing but his weak side foot shot went straight at the keeper who easily gathered.  This shot on goal though was too much for some.  A guy near me needed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation after the thrill overworked his ticker and an elderly bloke needed to be led away and have his sporting erection drained due to this zenith of footballing action. Two corners followed, fuck all was the result, it seemed as though that attempt on goal was indeed the pinnacle of a truly bilge first 45.

For the break several folk tried to form a suicide pact so as to avoid watching the second half.  Local prosthetic limb retailer John D actually plucked one of his eyes out and Space Cake enthusiast Sean EB decided to watch the following period through one eye so as to half the pain.

The teams came back out (boo, hiss), half two began (pass me the Mogadon) and this is what transpired.

A quick start was had, Nomads looked frisky (the half time sex talk by Chairman Gloria Gibbons had done the trick - 'play or be penetrated lads, you know the script').  After much hustle a sweet ball was played to Shenton who found space at the angle, picked his spot and sent the ball home with consummate ease - it was a well taken goal and just what the game needed.  Ashville were now the Zombies of Reaction, they came on, a sizzling cross was just dealt with before No 14 (Liam Davies) went on a fantastic run only to be bungled over on the edge of the box.  No 8 (Joshua Maldon) took the free-kick, the outcome was a mere few millimetres off target.

The Nomads were soon racing forth again, a low ball in was poked away, No 8 (Jordan Milne) arrived and sent forth an arse-wrecking howitzer, thankfully all rear ends stayed clear of the shot which was just deflected wide of the upright. The corner that came was another poor delivery, work it seems, is needed on these angled hoofings.

Ashville hustled, a cross saw No 2 (Craig Coates) for the hosts chest behind with the corner, once again, producing bugger all. The game had a slight trip back to the doldrums, little in the way of tit-tingling action arose as we entered the final 15 minutes.  The guests eventually began to work up a serious lather.  No 10 (Ben Greenop) had a punt deflected wide.  The ensuing angled kick saw the Cheadle chaps hang on by the skin of the scrotum before another foray forth saw the hosting defence not pay full attention to the globe, with Ashville's Greenop allowed to pop up and bury the equaliser. 

The closing stages were now hectic but no team could grab the bull by the balls and squeeze out any seeds of success.  A few wayward shots came but the full time whistle was blown and 1-1 seemed a fair result.  As for Man of the Match, I would opt for The No 3 (Kieran Alley) of Cheadle Heath Nomads who put in a fair stint, held his position well and in truth, should have bagged a goal.  

I pootled off homeward after the game, unimpressed by the night's events, I wasn't alone but thought John D's ravings about executing the entire Nomad's Board a trifle harsh.  Hey ho, the slump in sales of plastic legs is enough to make anyone feel tetchy.

FINAL THOUGHTS - For me, what we saw tonight were two teams not fully functioning, snuffing each other out and in a league of unpredictability and inconsistency.  Ashville FC seemed off the pace at first, not set up for a glut of goals and just too reliant on a breakaway goal.  Towards the latter stages, when their backs were against the wall, they were far more effective and bagged a strike, I can't help thinking if the same style would have been used for the full 90 minutes the 3 point prize would have been theirs.  Cheadle Heath Nomads began the season with high hopes and already, with 2 matches played, 4 points have been dropped at home.  I didn't attend the first game but reports were far from glowing, tonight I was left very much deflated.  I am sure things will come good but a few more early upsets and the season could be over before it gets started.  I am not due to be back at this ground until September, by then who knows what will be the state of play with these teams, the answers are blowin' in the wind, so sayeth Frederick Flatulence and the Rectal Rasping Crew.

NB - no one predicted tonight's score, in fact come the end no one gave a toss, it was that kind of night.