A NARROW SQUEAK

5th August 2023 - Maine Road 2 v 1 Barnton FC - The day started with the outside world battered by lashing rain.  I stayed indoors and spent time reviewing a CD by Violent Solution.  It had many hardcore elements and some solid songs, my fave of which was 'Wankers Utd', a number that raved against the money grabbing filth at the upper end of the footballing game - oh aye, parasitical bastards.  After battering the lugs I did a spot of microscopy and confirmed a species of Eyelash Fungus, namely (Scutellinia olivascens).  As time ticked on I had a work out on the punchbag (no not the old dear who lives next door) and built up a good lather before a quick swill and a shave of the noggin.  Eventually my missus drove me to the ground whereupon she went home to chill, it had been a tough week after the Mother-In-Law's funeral, it is the emotive strain that creeps in that is a real niggler.  Upon arrival I spied a few fungi, one of which I collected for ID after the match.  I purchased a brew and Mars Bar and had a wander round the ground before finding my spot and chatting to a few fine faces and Maine Road players.  The game looked set to be a close one, it was indeed just that and here are my Fungalised observations.

The opening gasps of the game saw Barnton make the early running whilst displaying some swift moves and many pairs of tidy tootsies.  Despite this The Road won an early corner that No 7 (Nathaniel Oseni) posted with a high degree of accuracy.  The crown of the incoming No 6 (James Perry) was met, the contact was firm and on target but the keeper had his orbs on the ball and gathered well.

A lull in the rain was now broken as the clouds fractured and droplets fell. Barnton were undeterred and made the next sortie forth.  No 11 (Adam Moseley) burst from the pack like a testicle from a pair of torn speedos.  The shot that came went wide, in truth it should have brought about the opening goal.  The game continued with good pace with the guests still pressing and passing in an impressive manner.  The Road were holding their own though with No 2 (Ronny Pepe) working up a good lather and putting in several good tackles.

The visitors continued to push, 2 corners held promise but bore barren fruit. A superb Maine Road move followed.  3 delicious midfield touches led to No 10 (Yousif Yousif) being released.  The striker fired immediately (perhaps a little prematurely), the keeper stood his ground and produced a quality save.  A corner soon ensued, Oseni was once more responsible for a quality postal service with Perry at the back post once again providing the belfry contact with the ball ending up in the onion bag and duly breaking the deadlock. Solid stuff.

Barnton were now asked a serious question, they worked hard to provide a substantial answer.  A long hopeful cross came, the home mitter advanced, misjudged matters and No 3 (Ellis Bolton) put bonce on ball but missed the target zone.  A free-kick for the hosts was countered by a swift break, Pepe was there once again and put in an outstanding tackle - cracking stuff.

At this point the two brews I had guzzled had made their presence felt and the old John Thompson was niggled.  A quick pop at the back of the stands whilst trying to watch the game saw my boots splashed (literally) and the bladder relieved.  I must order some Tena Pads before the next game (non sexual of course).  Tucked in and on my toes I returned to my viewing spot to see a lengthy Road ball find No 9 (Francesco Frangillo) who had a chance to double the lead.  Once more the guest No 1 (Dale Latham) did what was needed and held firm.

The half rattled on, a Barnton corner nearly added to the excitement levels when the Road keeper fumbled but no takers were on hand to punish the error.  The Villagers were now relentless and found the net after another good move but offside was given and rightly so.  Moseley for the black and white clad team came on, a neatly threaded pass found No 9 (Tyler Rufus) whose shot went just over the bar.  A corner was awarded (don't ask me why) that saw the globe go in, out and back in again from the boot of No 10 (Justeace Nichols-Holness).  The shot was low and firm but the keeper watched it well and saved with relative ease.

The half ended with a few minor chances and much bluster.  It had been an entertaining 45 minutes - more of the same would do quite nicely thank you.

As the miserable skies bled lucid liquid I stayed put and nattered with a few fine folk.  John D was still doing well with his prosthetic limb company, Josh Clegg's grandad duly won the raffle and Tommy Duffy's dad tried to sell me a Betamax Tape that showcased the Golden Years of Maine Road FC (all 5 minutes of it) as well as some signed nude photo's of a current Maine Road player - I picked up a tape out of sympathy and a few photographs for purely therapeutic reasons.  

And with the tape bagged, the polaroids in the back pocket the second half was viewed.  Barnton put together the first promising move with the apical shot just flashing wide.  This was followed by a corner which saw the ball lofted high into the dishrag grey sky.  The globe descended, the keeper hollered but landed on the deck and a free header for No 5 (Harvey Woodhouse) saw the scoreline levelled.  It was a poor goal to concede but Barnton did deserve it.

The Road rallied, a move from a corner saw Perry produce a shank-wank shot that caused little in the way of concern and a long ball followed that looked laden with potential but the guest gloved git read it well and cleared.  

A few more hoofs and doofs, the tension was building, the next goal could very well be the 3 point prize grabber.  Barnton were retaining the ball well, Road were looking to break but were a little to slow to make for any menace.  The resident lads however did win a free-kick in a positive position with Oseni yet again delivering a quality ball.  Alas for the demon with the dead ball, all wannabe assassins arrived a little too late and the danger passed.

A good game this, plenty to scribble about and some good football being played.  Maine Road began to show more belief and looked a far better prospect when surging forth.  The next advancement saw the beefy Oseni dart like a weasel on whizz only to be thwarted at the last - the oxygen mask was waiting as the player puffed his way back into position.  After a Barnton shot was saved and ruled offside anyway, a free kick saw No 8 (Abdi Addow) for the hosts produce a dipping banana shot that looked for all intents and purposes to be destined for the bottom corner of the netting.  Great gasps went up when the upright was wobbled and the ball hoofed clear.  Moments later a corner the same way brought more excited exhalations as the keeper gathered on the line, dropped and just about managed to retain possession.  Phew.

Barnton now broke with zeal and the move was slicker than the chat up lines of Burt Reynolds (ooh the oily bastard).  The sphere was played across goal, an incoming bod pulled the trigger and skied the ball, that was a big chance.  

There were now 5 minutes (plus extra) on the clock, the home team were showing a real desire to win this one.  The substitute and extra nippy No 16 (Yasir Salim) was nearly in but met with some stout defending. Soon after, a quick move in the box saw No 15 (Tommy Duffy) lay off to Salim who wriggled in and poked home much to the joy of all his teammates and the the onlooking fans.  It was all too much for some, who duly invaded the pitch and danced with the players - it was good to see.

The final throes saw Barnton stride forth and knock in another high ball.  The keeper rose and grabbed and held on tight - soon after the game was done - what a good show.  After a chat and farewells I pondered the Man of the Match and duly gave the nod to Maine Road's No 2 (Ronny Pepe).  A solid effort, reading the game well, working hard and always aware and listening to the shouts around him.  The lad looked buggered at the end - my applause were genuine.

Leaving the ground it was surprising to see that Josh Clegg's grandad had necked the bottle of wine he had won in the raffle and was dancing bare-chested in the car park singing 'My Heart Belongs To The Road' - he seemed happy enough and I just hope the hangover wears off before Monday's game at Stockport Town.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Well, what good value and what an applaudable effort both teams put in.  Barnton are a good unit with many quality players and a good footballing style.  They may have come unstuck today but rest assured, there are many teams who are going to be bulldozed by this lot and I reckon a top 6 finish is very much on the cards if the players stay together and believe.  I like the way they play, the constant threat they pose and their on-the-deck skill and speed - I wish them sincere good fortune and hope to see them again soon.  Maine Road do what they do and can win with style, win ugly or equally lose when least expected. They are no mugs though and have a good ethos and a mixed bag of styles that will always pull out a win when least expected.  There are still areas to work upon.  The sitting too deep is a problem at times and is really highlighted as soon as the team play higher up and seem a completely different unit.  For non-league entertainment though there is no finer place to be - good folk, good atmosphere, unpredictability and of course, the odd drunken lout in the car park - have it.

RAM-RAIDERS

29th July 2023 - Wythenshawe FC 4 v 0 Ramsbottom Utd - The new season begins and after a few friendlies and being perpetually busy it was good to get back on a touchline and watch some football played in earnest.  The morn was spent with the good lady at Wythenshawe Park.  We need to keep the noggins distracted and the blood flowing as the mother-in-law is being buried on Monday which is a test of one's resolve.  She was a grand lass, always asking about where I have been watching football and what fungi I had been finding - she will be sorely missed.

The morning walk was grand, 43 species of fungi, 99 other species, 2 brews, a shared cake and a crap in the woods for yours truly which caused some discomfort after finding out that Sycamore leaves are no good for wiping ones rear on.  I now plan to investigate the best natural toilet papers - I fancy a good handful of Horse Chestnut leaves but only if free from the ubiquitous mining moth - one has to be fair tha' knows.

And so, with bowels empty and the wildlife interest tamed, I was dropped off at the ground a full 90 minutes before kick-off.  After noticing a patch of Yellow Stainer Fungi (Agaricus xanthodermus) just outside the ground and duly scratching and sniffing I entered, paid my dues (and those for my mate STP Stu) and after a much needed Gypsies, I parked my arse and absorbed some sun.  Stu arrived soon after, a warming beverage was had and positions taken between the dug-outs,  Good chat and predictions made - we expected a tough game, the end result was something of a surprise I can tell ya.

The game began on the dot, the crowd was looking healthy enough and was later confirmed at 400+.  I wonder if this will be the case if the home team have a crappy season - we shall have to wait and see!  The first move of any import came via the resident ranks with a 3 pass move following on from No 9's (Saul Henderson) flick header.  The apical component was the scurrying No 11 (Darrhyl Mason) who darted in, sighted goal and disappointingly bulged the side-netting.  Now that was some chance.

Wythenshawe were clearly the more settled side and kept up some good pressure.  Henderson played a cross into the box next that was just defended and then another cross came with Mason on it again but failing to find the target.

Eventually the game levelled out and became a more competitive affair.  Rammy won their first corner which resulted in a choice delivery that was fisted with firmness (a bit like the rear end of a few celebrities I know).  A free-kick followed after a clattering tackle, another good ball was posted with the keeper once more doing his bit to stave off any real threat.  Wythy counterpunched with a brace of angled-kicks - the first was bilge, the second finalised by a shot that was blocked.  These end to end scares were enough to bring extra life to the game which resulted in some overheated moments and lots of pointless verbals.

The game was becoming a difficult one to call and a goal was very much needed.  The home No 4 (Ryan Shenton) had a long range punt but rather than hit the target the ball removed a few conkers from a nearby Chestnut tree much to the annoyance of the local Squirrel population.  No 8 (Pa Jenkins) for the guests cultivated room to shoot but sent the globe over into the sketchy grey beyond much to the dismay of the travelling support.  The visiting tribe however nearly broke the suffocating deadlock when the home keeper advanced, the ball went loose and a shot towards goal came,  The back-pedalling net-protector (Kyle Haslam) looked beaten until he jumped like a gazelle with a blazing rectum, raised a hand and palmed the ball away with athletic grace - what a ruddy save! The corner that followed was once more delivered with accuracy, a header mere feet from the goal somehow stayed outside of the strike zone, another corner quickly followed and Wythy somehow survived.  Phew.

The hosts were now ignited into action.  A smooth move ended with a lengthy punt that saw the Rammy keeper save with an outstretched peg. The ensuing corner was best thrown in the bin marked 'shite'.  The game was looking likely to give rise to a strike at any moment and as the half ticked down and a few more chances went begging a sweeping move by the hosts saw a cross-ball get re-posted, No 2 (Christopher Howard) look to bulge the netting and the home No 3 (Maine Walder) duly getting in the way and fail to stop the strike.  This wasn't the most ideal way to see the stalemate broken but Wythenshawe were not complaining.  The half ended soon after, would Rammy recover from the late suckerpunch?

We stayed put for half-time, there were too many people queueing for a brew and so we absorbed some unexpected sun and Stu checked the half-time scores elsewhere.  Nothing out of the ordinary was discovered although when some news online was seen that all premiership players would be forced to play for the love of the game instead of being a bunch of greedy parasitical prima donnas great delight was had.  The joy was soon quelled though when we realized it was a hoax by someone wishing to be detached from this grubby reality.  Hey ho – dream on mate!

And to half two with the home lads out with purpose and looking to increase their hard fought for advantage.  No 7 (Edward Brown) was away and making a mazy run that saw a cross follow and the globe get poked home.  The linesman was the killjoy of the moment and signalled for offside – boo, hiss ya bugger!

Moments later the score should have been doubled when a swift breakaway saw Henderson receive and look to bury but being only able to find the side netting.  A crucial miss perhaps?  Time will only tell.

Hustle and bustle, chances wasted and a booking ensued. A free-kick for Ramsbottom came next and was firmly drilled by their No 6 (John Black) who was denied by the defiant knuckles of the home gloved guardian.  Another gratis-hoofing came the same way after the quality No 7 (Damola Sotona) went on a smooth and sinewy run before being nobbled.  The shot from the dead ball however was way off the mark and nestled in the long grass at the back of the goal whereupon a swarm of kids pounced.  It was a comical scene, it reminded me of the time when I dropped a packet of growth hormones in the local midget clinic – I have never seen so many small folk move so fast.

The Rams now seemed to have their horns up (dirty bastards) and have more focus on the game.  They came twice more, both assaults were nullified with Worth being a particular stick in the mud.  The tempo of the game began to ease with the hosts gradually gaining a firmer hold on matters.  A couple of corners came, the Rams stood firm (it must be the viagra) but from a free-kick they were nearly punished when the ball was cleared and fired back by Shenton who was a gnat's todge width away from doubling the lead.

The Wythenshawe No 14 (Adam Davies) advanced with purpose, zeal and prowess next.  The final shot went straight at the keeper which was a shame as the desire was deserved of more. Rammy bounced back, a corner was won and another good delivery was had (they certainly post a good dead ball this lot).  The nut that rose made firm contact, the ball pinged off a defenders head and strangely enough, a goal kick was given.  Was the referee keen on masturbating, a few in the crowd seemed to think so!

10 minutes now remained on the clock, Rammy were like a freshly rogered Hartley Hare (ooh Mr Pipkin where are you now).  The Wythy pack could sense a weakening of the seams and No 8 (Aaron Hevingham) led the next invasion with Mason joining the foray and laying one on a plate for Davies to bury - 2 - 0 - deserved?  I think so!

We soon entered 'time added on', a 50/50 ball was won by the team perspiring desire.  Mason was away, and 3 - 0 it was.  That looked to be it, imagine the shock to the system, and the stinging salt in the open Rammy wound when No 10 (Bryan Ly) for Wythenshawe displayed some cool control and stroked home the fourth - cripes, what a result.

The referee blew shortly after, the home team got a great ovation and left the pitch with heads held high.  Man of the Match for me goes to Wythenshawe FC's No 6 (Luke Worth), a real grafter with good effect in many areas of the pitch.  He led from the front and worked his blue-stained knackers off - here's to many more performances like this.

FINAL THOUGHTS - And so the opening game done and all predictions down the shitter and a bit of an unexpected end scoreline if the truth be told (although I am sure that optimistic bugger Jake Davies would disagree).  Ramsbottom United were shellshocked here and were, if honesty must prevail, a bit of a disappointment.  There were a few good players in the mix but from the off today they seemed to be playing too deep, lacking any sharpness up front and just devoid of any ideas.  Their deadball deliveries were exceptional but a good beanstalk up front will be needed along with some electric pace to gain the full potential from these hoofings.  There is work to be done and it needs to be done quickly - this is a tough league and the games will slip away real quick.  Wythenshawe FC showed one thing today and that one thing is a great asset to any club.  'Desire' is a key element and even when things are not going your way, desire can still bag a result.  All men were counted, all did their bit and couple this with a good discipline and an on-pitch awareness and I think this is what made the day so successful.  Now what they need to grasp is some consistency - the games are lining up and some meaty fixtures lay ahead.  For now though it is 1 down 45 to go - the only proof of a good side will be had when the last ball is kicked.