29th July 2023 - Wythenshawe FC 4 v 0 Ramsbottom Utd - The new season begins and after a few friendlies and being perpetually busy it was good to get back on a touchline and watch some football played in earnest. The morn was spent with the good lady at Wythenshawe Park. We need to keep the noggins distracted and the blood flowing as the mother-in-law is being buried on Monday which is a test of one's resolve. She was a grand lass, always asking about where I have been watching football and what fungi I had been finding - she will be sorely missed.
The morning walk was grand, 43 species of fungi, 99 other species, 2 brews, a shared cake and a crap in the woods for yours truly which caused some discomfort after finding out that Sycamore leaves are no good for wiping ones rear on. I now plan to investigate the best natural toilet papers - I fancy a good handful of Horse Chestnut leaves but only if free from the ubiquitous mining moth - one has to be fair tha' knows.
And so, with bowels empty and the wildlife interest tamed, I was dropped off at the ground a full 90 minutes before kick-off. After noticing a patch of Yellow Stainer Fungi (Agaricus xanthodermus) just outside the ground and duly scratching and sniffing I entered, paid my dues (and those for my mate STP Stu) and after a much needed Gypsies, I parked my arse and absorbed some sun. Stu arrived soon after, a warming beverage was had and positions taken between the dug-outs, Good chat and predictions made - we expected a tough game, the end result was something of a surprise I can tell ya.
The game began on the dot, the crowd was looking healthy enough and was later confirmed at 400+. I wonder if this will be the case if the home team have a crappy season - we shall have to wait and see! The first move of any import came via the resident ranks with a 3 pass move following on from No 9's (Saul Henderson) flick header. The apical component was the scurrying No 11 (Darrhyl Mason) who darted in, sighted goal and disappointingly bulged the side-netting. Now that was some chance.
Wythenshawe were clearly the more settled side and kept up some good pressure.
Eventually the game levelled out
and became a more competitive affair. Rammy won their first corner which
resulted in a choice delivery that was fisted with firmness (a bit like the
rear end of a few celebrities I know). A free-kick followed after
a clattering tackle, another good ball was posted with the keeper once more
doing his bit to stave off any real threat. Wythy counterpunched with a
brace of angled-kicks - the first was bilge, the second finalised by a shot that
was blocked. These end to end scares were enough to bring extra life to
the game which resulted in some overheated moments and lots of pointless
verbals.
The game was becoming a difficult
one to call and a goal was very much needed. The home No 4 (Ryan Shenton) had a long
range punt but rather than hit the target the ball removed a few conkers from
a nearby Chestnut tree much to the annoyance of the local Squirrel
population. No 8 (Pa Jenkins) for the guests cultivated room to shoot but sent the
globe over into the sketchy grey beyond much to the dismay of the travelling
support. The visiting tribe however nearly broke the suffocating deadlock
when the home keeper advanced, the ball went loose and a shot towards goal
came, The back-pedalling net-protector (Kyle Haslam) looked beaten until he jumped like
a gazelle with a blazing rectum, raised a hand and palmed the ball away with
athletic grace - what a ruddy save! The corner that followed was once more delivered
with accuracy, a header mere feet from the goal somehow stayed outside of the
strike zone, another corner quickly followed and Wythy somehow survived. Phew.
The hosts were now ignited into
action. A smooth move ended with a lengthy punt that saw the Rammy keeper
save with an outstretched peg. The ensuing corner was best thrown in the
bin marked 'shite'. The game was looking likely to give rise to a strike at
any moment and as the half ticked down and a few more chances went begging a sweeping move by the hosts saw a cross-ball get re-posted, No 2 (Christopher Howard)
look to bulge the netting and the home No 3 (Maine Walder) duly getting in the way and
fail to stop the strike. This wasn't the most ideal way to see the stalemate
broken but Wythenshawe were not complaining. The half ended soon after,
would Rammy recover from the late suckerpunch?
We stayed put for half-time, there were too many people queueing for a brew and so we absorbed some unexpected sun and Stu checked the half-time scores elsewhere. Nothing out of the ordinary was discovered although when some news online was seen that all premiership players would be forced to play for the love of the game instead of being a bunch of greedy parasitical prima donnas great delight was had. The joy was soon quelled though when we realized it was a hoax by someone wishing to be detached from this grubby reality. Hey ho – dream on mate!
And to half two with the home lads out with purpose and looking to increase their hard fought for advantage. No 7 (Edward Brown) was away and making a mazy run that saw a cross follow and the globe get poked home. The linesman was the killjoy of the moment and signalled for offside – boo, hiss ya bugger!
Moments later the score should have been doubled when a
swift breakaway saw Henderson receive and look to bury but being only able to find the
side netting. A crucial miss
perhaps? Time will only tell.
Hustle and bustle, chances wasted and a booking ensued. A free-kick for Ramsbottom came next and was firmly drilled by their No 6 (John Black) who was denied by the defiant knuckles of the home gloved guardian. Another gratis-hoofing came the same way after the quality No 7 (Damola Sotona) went on a smooth and sinewy run before being nobbled. The shot from the dead ball however was way off the mark and nestled in the long grass at the back of the goal whereupon a swarm of kids pounced. It was a comical scene, it reminded me of the time when I dropped a packet of growth hormones in the local midget clinic – I have never seen so many small folk move so fast.
The Rams now seemed to have their horns up (dirty bastards) and have more focus on the game. They came twice more, both assaults were nullified with Worth being a particular stick in the mud. The tempo of the game began to ease with the hosts gradually gaining a firmer hold on matters. A couple of corners came, the Rams stood firm (it must be the viagra) but from a free-kick they were nearly punished when the ball was cleared and fired back by Shenton who was a gnat's todge width away from doubling the lead.
The Wythenshawe No 14 (Adam Davies) advanced with purpose, zeal and prowess next. The final shot went straight at the keeper which was a shame as the desire was deserved of more. Rammy bounced back, a corner was won and another good delivery was had (they certainly post a good dead ball this lot). The nut that rose made firm contact, the ball pinged off a defenders head and strangely enough, a goal kick was given. Was the referee keen on masturbating, a few in the crowd seemed to think so!
10 minutes now remained on the clock, Rammy were like a freshly rogered Hartley Hare (ooh Mr Pipkin where are you now). The Wythy pack could sense a weakening of the seams and No 8 (Aaron Hevingham) led the next invasion with Mason joining the foray and laying one on a plate for Davies to bury - 2 - 0 - deserved? I think so!
We soon entered 'time added on', a 50/50 ball was won by the team perspiring desire. Mason was away, and 3 - 0 it was. That looked to be it, imagine the shock to the system, and the stinging salt in the open Rammy wound when No 10 (Bryan Ly) for Wythenshawe displayed some cool control and stroked home the fourth - cripes, what a result.
The referee blew shortly after, the home team got a great ovation and left the pitch with heads held high. Man of the Match for me goes to Wythenshawe FC's No 6 (Luke Worth), a real grafter with good effect in many areas of the pitch. He led from the front and worked his blue-stained knackers off - here's to many more performances like this.
FINAL THOUGHTS - And so the opening game done and all predictions down the shitter and a bit of an unexpected end scoreline if the truth be told (although I am sure that optimistic bugger Jake Davies would disagree). Ramsbottom United were shellshocked here and were, if honesty must prevail, a bit of a disappointment. There were a few good players in the mix but from the off today they seemed to be playing too deep, lacking any sharpness up front and just devoid of any ideas. Their deadball deliveries were exceptional but a good beanstalk up front will be needed along with some electric pace to gain the full potential from these hoofings. There is work to be done and it needs to be done quickly - this is a tough league and the games will slip away real quick. Wythenshawe FC showed one thing today and that one thing is a great asset to any club. 'Desire' is a key element and even when things are not going your way, desire can still bag a result. All men were counted, all did their bit and couple this with a good discipline and an on-pitch awareness and I think this is what made the day so successful. Now what they need to grasp is some consistency - the games are lining up and some meaty fixtures lay ahead. For now though it is 1 down 45 to go - the only proof of a good side will be had when the last ball is kicked.
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