IT'S A CREWE 'L GAME AT TIMES

20th April 2024 - Crewe FC 1  v 5 Broadheath Central - Imagine dabbling with a Ouija Board and becoming possessed by a sinister imp with a penchant for causing one niggling pain.  Imagine that imp taking up residence in your groin and every time you cough or sneeze the bastard pops his head out and gives one a nasty twinge.  Imagine that the imp, just for kicks, likes to swing from your knackers, tug at your undercarriage and cause you a some real aggravating discomfort - well now you know how I feel with this darned hernia and twanging back.  Despite a twinging lower torso, a creaking groin and tormented and twanging testes, me and the missus cracked on and had a jaunt around Quaker's Coppice before heading to nearby Queen's Park and having a nice brunch and a profitable wildlife walk that resulted in a decent haul of species.  The sun was out too, I almost bared my balls to give them some thermal comfort but my good lady didn't fancy picking me up from the local Police Station.

We arrived at Crewe FC in good time, were given a warm welcome, a cheapo brew that was smashing and a free programme regarding todays fixture albeit 16 years out of date - now that's retro.  We eventually made our way to the sunniest side of the ground, recording a few wildlife species (which stood at 31 come game end) and soaked up the rays.  We were looking forward to many goals and some good honest Non-League Football done with little moaning and with good respect, what we got was this:- 

The game began at 2pm on the dot, Broadheath applied some early pressure with No 10 (Carl Airey) zipping through but denied by and agile and reactive home No 1 (James Peake) who blocked with good defiance.  The same team advanced again, Airey tried his luck from mid-range but the ball just contained a little too much uplift (a bit like the helium-filled titties of Goodtime Glenda the belle of the Blimp during World War 2) and flew over the bar.

Crewe now began to push and play with a little more purpose, Broadheath continued to move the ball around well and always appeared to be a well-oiled unit.  The next chance though came the way of the hosts when No 7 (Freddie Dayne) found himself with an opportunity to lob the keeper after a bout of in-box bagatelle.  The thought was creative, the execution woeful and the game continued with the onus on the home lads to play higher and to chase each and every forward ball. Crewe eventually won a corner (the first of the game).  The postage of the globe was long with some good bend but No 11(Art Hollins) could not get his belfry-based attempt anywhere near the strike zone.  
 
Broadheath now reasserted themselves and a free-kick was earned.  No 11 (Josh Harper) had a pop and sent his shot low but just on the wrong side of the upright.  The same player had another pop seconds later with a firm boomer from the angle tidily saved by an agile and reactive keeper. The Central Squad flew the flank next, with the player on the ball riding a tackle and providing a pinpoint cross which the head of No 9 (Alex May) failed to put on target - that would have been a sweet goal for sure.
 
From a balanced period a long hopeful ball found Harper for the guests who collected, made an inch of space with a swivel of the hips and let fly a dig that was heading for the bottom corner.  The host No 1 never took his orbs off the ball and flew down, stuck out a hand and made a quality save.  The resultant corner produced bugger all and led to a bout of Crewe pressure.  The best the home lads could come up with though was a shot over the bar via their No 9 (Josh Maris).  As the missus wandered to get the brews one last Crewe long ball came but was dealt with by the Broadheath mitter who left his line and cleared - the game, after 45 minutes, was still up for grabs.
 
We enjoyed a good brew for the break, admired the summery day and had a short wander looking at a few flowers and bugs. The back was still creaking, we headed towards the sun, the great healer and restorer of positivity.  I may invest in a sun-lamp - a round one so I can shove it up my arse and feel good (in many ways) all year round.  I wonder if they do them with little pimples on, for therapeutic reasons of course - ooh me chuff.
 
And as the sun shone, the second half began with little give either way.  The visiting pack put together the first assault of any import with Harper weaving down the wing and putting in a simple but effective ball to May who held up matters, placed a pass to No 8 (Fergus Grogan) who easily buried.  A quality goal and one for the footballing connoisseur.  Crewe rebounded from this second body blow with a quickly taken free-kick that found a head but again, the target was missed. Crewe continued to push, were caught on the hop when the opposing Harper flew free.  A chance to bury the ball came, a cut-back was taken instead with May missing matters but with No 7 (Shack Depeiaza) pouncing and adding a third.  Seconds later another was added when a ball found May in the middle of the park.  A great hold up and turn was executed with Grogan given the ball.  The home keeper advanced, a sweet slotting home of the sphere was the outcome, the game was now dead and buried as far as the resident ranks were concerned.
 
The game continued with Broadheath on top.  No 5 (Marc Bellingham) had a shot wide and it really did look as though a fifth strike was on the cards.  Crewe tried to counter and Dayne was gifted a chance but the execution was appalling to say the least.  Soon after, a time-out was taken as a player needed treatment and then Crewe grabbed a corner with the ball booted high and long and somehow getting nutted home via the cranium of the awaiting No 5 (Bailey Adlington).  From here Crewe had a fair spell that only bore a middling shot the opposing gloved guardian easily dealt with.  A shot came at the other end and was dragged wide and suddenly we were heading down the final stretch of the contest.
 
Another break in proceedings, as soon as matters got back underway Harper for the guests was away. The player in possession cut in, negotiated his marker, had one look and slapped home his sides fifth goal.  The time now trickled away, Crewe had a shite free-kick, Broadheath were unlucky not to grab a sixth and that was indeed that.  Man of the Match must go to Broadheath Central's No 11 (Josh Harper) who showed some quick feet, quick thinking and a good footballing brain.  If he keeps his head on the ball this lad could move up a few notches methinks - that though, is easier said than done.
 
We ambled off pleased with what we had seen and were happy to soak up the still prevalent beams. A good day for sure, unless of course you were a Crewe FC fan.

FINAL THOUGHTS - A lovely day out and good value all round.  Crewe looked in disarray today with the main problem being the lack of cohesion up front and of course, the lack of options when attacking.  I am not sure if any players were missing or it was just an off day but this was a mighty poor performance and not one worthy of a mid-table team.  I am sure they are better than this and hope they can finish the league with the minor flourish.  I wouldn't mind getting back to this ground again soon, the welcome was warm, watching the local lass run for each and every ball after 25 years service, a real cockle warmer but tis all a question of time and what the crippling conkers are up to at the mo.  As I ponder the league standings I see Broadheath Central have an outside chance of winning this league which would be no mean feat.  I also note that this is one of three grounds I have yet to visit in the Cheshire Premier league so am hoping I can rectify this before the season finishes.  Today they looked like a very polished end product and could easily give any team in this league a run for their money.  All 5 goals today had an appealing facet to them and indicated a team playing well together and perhaps on a run-in high that could see them run out champions. The next few fixtures could be key, I am due to have another fungus tattooed on my bonse on the 4^th of May, if timings go to plan I may catch this lot at home against Whalley Range - ooh cripes, watch this space.

BALLS (BOTH ACHING AND HOOFED)

6th April 2024 - Winstanley Warriors 2 v 2 Congleton Town Reserves - After a morn wandering around and recording nature at the Three Sisters Nature Reserve, we headed to a ground nearby and got in a good Non-League fix.  Prior to the game we grabbed a coffee and headed to the seating area only to be met with arse-holding devices that were lower than the balls of Tom Thumb.  Now all this is well and good but with a twanging hernia my own testes screamed out in protestation as I lowered my chuff and slurped my brew.  I was a trifle fidgety so I had a pre-match wander whilst the good lady soaked up a few unexpected rays and read her book. As my conkers clapped together with celebratory delight I roamed the periphery of the area and saw the following wildlife species.  The end total of the visit being 8 insect species, 4 different birds, 6 different flowers in bloom and the fungus (Galerina clavata).

As I returned to my spot I lowered my framework with care, sprawled the old ham shanks and also joined in the solar absorptions.  We didn't have to wait long before the teams took to the pitch and the nib of the pen was ready to weave its way across the papery substrate and conjure up something akin to a match report.

As matters unfolded it seemed that the uneven and slightly tacky playing surface, along with the whistling wind, would make for something of a 'leveller' with both teams having to work hard to earn their side a 3 point prize.  The first notable action came when the hosts won a gratis boot after No 9 (Jack Hurst) twisted and tumbled.  The ball was punted into the box, No 8 (Josh Gregory) rose and put his cranium on the leather with the horizontal trembled.  Before any further danger could arise the referee blew for an infringement.

The action remained minimal until No 7 (Pierce Ryan) for the home lads was released.  Good pace was exposed, the chasing marker was found wanting and a shot at goal came.  The guest mitter stood his ground and blocked with the Congo pack immediately breaking via a long ball that looked to be overhit.  The keeper came and dummied the ball to let it run dead.  The visiting No 10 (Ethan Harding) read the situation, picked up on the seemingly lost cause, moved into the box and popped the globe into the net.  0 - 1 it was and in truth it could have been 0 - 2 when No 11 (Josh Wood) had a dig moments later with the keeper failing to fully deal with the effort and relying on his defender to quell the peril.

The golden orb in the sky grew in stature, it seemed to give the Winstanley pack a surge with a push coming and a deflected shot falling onto the bonse of Hurst who just couldn't keep the ball below the bar. Within a mere instant though a mix up saw the home No 6 (Jamie Derbyshire) receive the ball in front of an open goal with the net bulged and the scoreline duly levelled.

The game continued, Congleton were guilty of overhitting their forward balls whereas the Warriors just needed to adopt a little more composure up front.  The visiting tribe put together a sweet liquid move next with the final shot at goal decent but with the resident No 4 (Ollie Cooper) putting in a quite eye-snagging block.  A free-kick the same way followed, no penetration was had with a long ball from Winstanley the response.  Ryan was away and only had the keeper to negotiate which he did with a neat end placement.  2 - 1 it was and perhaps it was fully deserved, then again...!

The hosts now began to have more of the play but the opposing ranks were still good value and the next goal was still up for grabs.  Winstanley's Hurst had a shot wide, a few half chances followed.  The Warriors conjured a flashing 3 pass move down the wing to earn a corner.  The angled kick came, bugger all was the result with The Town reacting with a nice on-the-deck sortie that saw a shot over the keeper hit the underside of the bar and then Wood pounce and bumble the ball home.  

With the game all square we headed to the clubhouse with the referee blowing for the break whilst we were on our way.  We had another brew, I got teamsheet photo's from the amiable referee and returned to the seating spot with my globes not at all happy.  I considered using my good lasses phone to see if I could order a Non-League Truss on-line - I decided to risk matters and just concentrate on the report.

From the whistle for period 2 the guests put in a quick attack that left Harding with a golden chance to bury.  The blood rushed and gushed, a wild swing was committed, the ball blazed over after getting a slight touch from an opposing bod.  2 corners ensued, no further triumph was had.  No 10 (Vinicius De Souza) for the hosts had a reactive shot just wide as did the Warriors No 2 (Bienfait Kambege) who came up with the same outcome.

Some good endeavor was being shown, some fair battling and a period that was for the purist only.  Both teams worked up a good lather to try and grab that all important winner with the outcome being a rather disjointed affair lacking in any real chances.  Several corners came at each end, some desperate scrambling saw all danger snuffed out with things becoming more hectic and desperate by the minute.

The half seemed to whizz by, we entered the latter stages with the next goal seemingly destined to be the decider.  Congleton made a superb move that was nearly missed due to the sun dazzling the peepers. The apical action saw a shot come and the keeper make a good regulation save.  The angled offering brought no joy and before the final pips from the pea-laden device Winstanley had one more crack at goal with a long ranger that wasn't too far off the mark.  Eventually we were done, in fairness a share of the spoils was the right outcome and I was left to contemplate the Man of the Match.  I went for the Winstanley Warriors No 5 (Corey Morgan) who was a rock solid component in the rearguard ranks and who put in a stout an disciplined performance that gave those around him a certain comfort.  

We pootled off home having enjoyed our trip to an area where I use to practice my golf (30 years ago) and where I once saw a woman drop her knickers, expose her 3 cornered rug and take a leak.  As one can imagine, the shot I hit with my six-iron went a little awry and I kept all further balls away from the piss-soaked area.  

FINAL THOUGHTS - A new ground visited, a good day out and not a bad set up at all.  It is good to see these Non-League teams having a go and it is equally heart-warming to see people putting in their all for this fine but overlooked sport.  Today Congleton Town Reserves worked well as a unit with some good scrappers noted, a few steady players observed and some genuinely earnest and well-behaved grafters putting in several good stints.  A reserve team is always going to be on the back foot but I liked what I saw today and there is great potential here that I hope gets truly tapped.  Winstanley Warriors also have some good grafters in the mix and some players who show good composure and a good reading of the game.  The key is to work hard on the training ground and make sure all players are in communicative sync.  At times the full width of the playing space was not used, a few balls were rushed and a backing up of the front players was slow to arrive.  This shouldn't detract from a hard-working team though who battled away in testing conditions.  We hope to return soon, next time though I may bring two egg-cups in which to rest my chestnuts and my own wind barrier to stave off the gustings - needs must for we old punk rock duffers.