31st July 2021 - Upton JFC 3 v 1 Sandbach Utd Reserves - We were up early today with my good lady doing her mum's shopping whilst I entertained a fellow 'erbert who had donated to a new book of pseudo poetry which 7 of us had contributed too. Reprobate Road is on sale for 5 nuggets and is a showcase of spillage from minds troubled and determined to expose their inner workings - get yer wallets and purses ready folks, 'tis all sexy stuff.
Eventually we were out on the road and arrived at the ground (after one blip) to have time to indulge in tea and chips, complete the Daily Express Cryptic Crossword in 15 minutes and to watch a bit of athletics on TV. These Olympics are all well and good but I always prefer the nude version where Willy Winkle usually wins the Erection-based Pole Vault contest and the men's relay race is always a laugh when passing the baton usually ends up with several runners finding their hands full of pork sword. The naked hurdles are eye-wateringly exciting especially if a competitor has a baggy scrotum and dare I mention the horrors of the Women's Topless Boxing competition where buggered breasts are ten a penny. Anyway, football was the game today and after leaving our seats and heading outside we had a natter, acquired a pic of the teamsheets and watched the following game unfold. Take note - I am on edge with stress and anxiety at the mo, it has nothing to do with the aforementioned undressed sporting contests but is a result of a nerve ridden noggin - thank goodness for a bit of escapism.
So the new season started with the two teams on show showing plenty of relish and gumption. Several balls were put forth at both ends with little threat achieved until the hosts broke from a Sandbach free-kick that saw No 11 (Caelan McGovern) end matters with a low shot that the keeper saved with relative ease. The mittman, however, fell squirming to the floor and writhed in agony with a seemingly dodgy knee giving him some serious gyp. An ice-bag was applied, time given to regain some sense of composure and the game continued.
The hosts looked the more dangerous side with a strong desire to attack with pace, however the visiting No 9 (Matt Timms) had a chance to have a pop on goal, but the end result was neither a cross nor a shot and left his comrades flabbergasted. Soon after the Sandbach No 12 (Ollie Jones) tried to execute a cute chip over the keeper, but was left frustrated when the ball bounced off the horizontal. This scare was akin to a ferret up the arse of the resident ranks and they scrambled forth with great haste that saw a thru-ball arrive at the feet of McGovern who displayed great strength to upset his marker and find himself enough space to fire home. The goal was needed and very well taken - now to see what Sandbach were made of.
It appeared from where we were viewing that the trailing team were rattled and when a ball came into their own box and a push came, the penalty decision in some ways, vindicated these thoughts. McGovern stepped up to double both his own and his team's lead and duly did so with cucumber cool aplomb. The ideal start to the first Cheshire League game for the home lads continued with the opposing pack looking more ragged than the underpants of Johnny Morris after a night of love in London Zoo's Leopard House.
Time passed and eventually Sandbach won an angled kick. The ball missed all bonces, a follow up corner came and again sour FA was the result. Upton had now had enough and progressed once more. No 2 (Paddy Lalley) stroked a quality pass, No 15 (Joe Muir) was in, but the end shot was weaker than the beer sold at Conman Colin's Inn of Insult - 1.5% piss guaranteed - nasty!
The Upton lads now had their peckers up again, Lalley played yet another superb ball, No 7 (Tom Mesham) had a punt and saw the ball touched onto the crossbar. Lalley had a follow up, but could only propel the globe skyward. We went straight down the other end, No 8 (Ryan Dodd) had a dig that was deflected over. A corner was played short, Jones sent in a lofted shot from the angle and surprisingly halved the lead with a quite graceful strike. Where the fuck did that come from?
Just prior to the break the Sandbachians busted many a bollock trying to get the all important equaliser. A corner saw No 6 (Chris Horsefield) have his header saved, Timms had a quick pop also blocked by the mitted man and then No 19 (Keilahn Annikey) touched towards the meshing from yet another ball in with the keeper in the right place at the right time - half time it was.
We changed sides for the break, had a brew and shared a bag of crisps. We were both jaded of late and were thankful there were no touchline hammocks available - by heck we could have knocked out some serious zeds.
Half two began, Gill sat on the deck and took it easy whereas I caught a few nearby bumblebees and shoved them up me jacksie to keep me alert. If anyone wishes to purchase any Anal Honey get your orders in now - be warned though, I only accept Postal Orders.
The start to half two was middling until Upton won a corner, delivered and Muir nutted home with relative ease to regain a two goal cushion. The SB squad needed a fast response, but the hosts remained niggardly and allowed them no time on the ball. No 10 (Lewis Galloway) did manage a snap shot that went over the bar, but other than this the home pack looked cushy and good value for their advantage.
Some fine action soon ensued with Upton's Lalley displaying a great set of tootsies in a move that saw the said player weave through, pass and receive and send in a shot that the keeper did well to push over. Two corners followed, nothing to write home about was the outcome - the scoreline was already looking set in stone. Substitutions came either way, it was now getting to the time of shit or bust for the visitors.
To be fair the United ranks did accumulate some good time on the ball albeit to no avail due to the stout and secure backline of the opposing defence. The closest we came to any further penetration was when a couple of snails got rather horned up on a nearby Bramble leaf although Upton's Lalley nearly aroused a few onlookers with a well whipped cross the mitter did well to beat away. The man between the timber was soon called into action again when No 8 (Sam Brownlow) had a long range crack that made sure the gloves were left tingling. A corner came, was nutted away and returned with interest with the low driller killer rolling millimetres wise of the vertical.
The next onlsaught came, a gratis gift for Upton saw Mesham deliver and Brownlow nip in and tremble the upright (sexy blighter). To be fair the better chance came at the other end with a similar position finalised by Annikey who connected with the ball only a few feet out, but could only hoof into the heavens - it was a shocking miss. Sandbach now pressed with ardour and during the dying breathes of the contest they gave a good account of themselves, but today they were up against a well drilled rear rank that refused to budge. The final eye-catching move came when Sandbach's Dodd wriggled away from 2 players, supplied the ball to No 11 (Nick Hardman) who swivelled, struck and forced the gloved guardian to make a quite solid save. Alas all was banished into the files of 'pointless' as an offside verdict was given.
The game was called to a halt soon after and I had a Man of the Match to pick which was done with relative ease. No 2 (Paddy Lalley) for Upton JFC was a stand out component of the winning team with a display laden with pace, hard work, neat footwork and a noticeable awareness of what was going on around him. If the lad puts in many more stints like this his team will be certainly winning more games than they lose.
We duly pootled off after the game with No 1 of the season proper under the belt. It had been a decent day out, that is for sure. To note - as a caring naturalist I made sure that before I got in the car I removed the said buzzing insects from my arse. I must add though I was quite disappointed when one of the buggers stung my thumb and I tried to suck the said digit to ease the pain - note to self - 'bees are still ace despite having a naughty streak and shit tastes ruddy awful'.
FINAL THOUGHT - 4 goals to start the season and a delve into Cheshire League 2 to see what transpires. Well, I thought the football was good, the effort applaudable and the best team on the day deserved the spoils. Sandbach United were off the pace today, need to sharpen up and make sure that next time out, they win a greater share of the 50/50 balls. The unit have a good set up at their place and no doubt will hold their own in the league. I hope to catch this lot again, maybe at an home game where we haven't been for a few years.
Upton JFC impressed me today and seem to have a good depth of quality and a gratifying spread of genuine talent in all areas of the park. The commitment was sound, the eagerness to battle for every ball eye-catching and the swift thinking pass and move treatment delivered in applaudable style. A 3-1 win for the debut game in a debut season is not to be sniffed at (just like my thumb), but sterner tests will come. On the evidence shown today though I reckon this lot will do just fine and may even be in the end shake up - it is still early days though and we have a long campaign ahead - are you up for it?
