RED ROLLOVER

25th September 2021 - New Mills 2 v 5 AFC Liverpool - Having cut back in many areas I expected my stress levels to decrease - not so!  I woke up after another bout of nightmarish visions, I felt wasted and utterly on edge.  I suspect the human race are not helping matters - the government say clap, the masses clap, the government says stop in, the crowds all hutch up, the government suggest petrol deliveries may be slow, the maniacs dash to the nearest station with wide-eyed panic?  What next - the tories (small 't' crucial of course) say that if you want to go abroad you must get bummed?  Brilliant, that is all I need - a street full of exposed arses waiting for another shafting - haven't they had enough?  Anyway - a shit and a shakedown and a morn spent recording natural miracles and out with the good lady to the New Mills ground.  We arrived an hour before the FA Vase kick-off time, acquired some chips and Gill got a Hot Chocolate that was one of the worst she had ever-tasted - a blend of slurry, rectal scrapings and pond water - ooh err.  The gaff had no milk for me to have a brew - I ended up feeling mighty grateful.  We were soon sat on our arses chomping the tasty chips alongside fellow Non-League Nomad John D - we chatted, gave predictions and watched the game unfold. None of us expected what went on although my good lady and I did predict a Liverpool win.

Soon after the whistle rang out a high ball by the hosts saw No 9 (Rick Tindall) battle out wide and send in a cross.  No 8 (Benito Lowe) connected with an ample hoofing that saw the ball fly to the bottom corner.  The guest keeper kept his peepers on the trajectory and got down in double-quick time to push behind for a corner.  The ball from the angle came, No 2 (Christopher Rogers) put his cranium on the sphere but the outcome was way off target.

The Millers had a spring in their step (and one or two fizzing amphetamines up their arse I thought), they latched onto a loose Liverpool pass, No 10 (Teddy Osipitan) darted and only had the keeper to beat but the gloved blighter stuck out a peg and saved his sides slightly sizzling bacon.  A follow-up chance was had but the mitter was on it.  As you were folks, as you were!

After a couple more pseudo-scares the guests summoned up a surge that resulted in a corner.  The ball went long, was nutted back, played out and reposted onto the nut of No 7 (William McCarthy) who only had the keeper to beat.  His effort went... on the wrong side of the post.

The AFC pack now came on, No 10 (Callum Schorah) had a pop that the keeper spilled and yet managed to still survive any penetration to his meshings and then The Millers played around at the back, ran out of options and possession of the globe with No 9 (Kyle Schorah) the beneficiary.  The striker wasted no time in setting his sights and walloping home a low drive, a drive that broke the deadlock and gave the visitors a surprise lead.

No sooner had the game restarted than K Schorah was posing more threat and getting tumbled for his troubles.  The referee waved play on, a shot came and went wide, I considered it a big chance lost.  The leading unit now played some good midfield football and were winning most of the 50/50 balls.  No 11 (Rhys Hardacre) had the next pop from the pack, the keeper did well to only give away a corner which was easily negated.  A free-kick soon followed, the red army seemed to be on a roll but the wall was clattered, a breakaway came and No 8 (James Howell) was booked after a clumsy, but far from malicious tackle.

From more midfield competing a ball was squirted through to Liverpool's K Schorah who, all alone, had a defender to negotiate as well as the keeper.  A spurt, a quick sight of goal was all that was needed as the shank swung, the globe was propelled and the net was bulged for the second time.  Two fine strikes for sure, well played that man.

The response to this second suckerpunch was a corner, a corner that saw a real in-box scramble with the ball on the line and there to be buried. Somehow the Reds survived, soaked up another NM attack and then broke with 'two-goal Schorah' at the apex and duly tumbled by an advancing goalie.  The outcome was a penalty and an early bath for the keeper - I thought this a bit harsh but there ya go.  Much debating failed to change matters, a Speckled Wood Butterfly flew by and seemed disinterested and carried on going even after Schorah easily buried the ball and grabbed his hat-trick.

I thought that was that until The Millers had one final thrust and won a penalty of their own.  No 4 (Darren McKnight) stepped up and twatted home with a combination and frustration and infuriation.  1 - 3 and half time it was.

No movement was had for half-time, a chat with John D, a consideration of events thus far and a swill of some refreshing Elderflower and Apple pop did the trick.  The weather was unseasonably clement, the warming of the planet continues apace - it looks like I will be getting more wear out of my Hilda Baker 'Street-Speedos' over the coming weeks watch out ye weak-kneed women.

Half two began in a settled manner.  The travellers had a few minor thrusts but no great spunkage of success came.  The Millers had a couple of punts at goal, McKnight banged a free-kick wide and then No 5 (Harry Norris) fed Tindall who touched on to No 7 (Adam Stuart) who disappointingly missed the target.  I thought New Mills would go on from here with all conkers bared and throbbing for the challenge - not so.  AFC Liverpool gained possession, were allowed to dwell on the ball and then thread an easy pass for Howell to latch onto and only have the keeper to beat,  The ball left the foot and rolled homeward -1 - 4 - yes folks, game well and truly over.

The next purposeful advancement came from the guests, somehow a ragged home unit survived but things were looking mighty grim.  The same scenario soon repeated itself (I beg your pardon), an easy run by Hardacre saw a pair of good feet used to progress and finish and add a touch of icing on a very overloaded cake.  The game rolled on, K Schorah continued to be a perpetual problem for the Millers - a bit like having a crumb in one's undercrackers - no matter what one does it seems to remain elusive and cause much discomfort.

We entered the last 15 minutes, a gratis booting for the trailing pack was granted and executed.  My touchline verdict of the bonus kick - utter dross.  From here a a rather innocuous tackle was committed in the middle of the park and the red clad Howell was given his second yellow.  A trifle unfair I thought but the letter of the law has never been any other way.  The free-kick that followed saw a substitute's glabrous nut send the ball onto the post and waste an excellent opportunity to salvage a consolation.  The final sputterings however saw a similar additional chance missed by the 5 goal getting pack and then, No 12 (Jack Wray) nut home with pure ease to give The Millers a final hoorah but no end triumph.  2 -5 was another score-line that I bet no-one predicted - this is why we are absorbed by Non-League methinks.

Before pissing off homeward I contemplated Man of the Match and opted for AFC Liverpool's No 10  (Callum Schorah) for the footballing brain on show, the constant questioning of his markers, some choice passing play and for a 90 minute spirited commitment - leading from the front, that is what it is all about.

FINAL THOUGHTS - New Mills were off it today and having the keeper sent off just doubled the teams woes.  Sometimes the shit hits the fan, sometimes after hitting the fan it sprays all ways and leaves one without chance of escape - The Millers left the pitch today well and truly splattered and battered.  The fact is though, they are better than this performance and will duly bounce back and get their just desserts.  They have a league match coming up, it won't be easy but they have the capabilities to get things back on track - they just need to stay focused and positive.  AFC Liverpool came, played their own game and did what needed doing.  They are a controlled and stubborn unit that will give all and sundry a good run for their money.  On today's stint I would describe them as 'efficient' and 'industrious' without being flamboyant and excessively eye-catching.  There is an art-form in just getting the job done and this lot seem to have things sorted as regards that facet of the footballing game - I hope we can find time to see them in the next round and see if they can make a real good go of this FA Vase challenge.

SLIM MARGINS

11th September 2021 - Denton Town 3 v 2 Windle Labour - Up, sorted, out with the good lady to do some nature work at Ye Olde Denton Town.  Dave, Jimmy and Rob kept us kindly watered as we pootled away and made sure the areas cleared away so far were free from invasive plants and unwanted debris.  A Raven flew by as we dabbled, no doubt on the look out for a spare eyeball or some poor blokes lost testicles.  The Raspberry Bush was now producing fruit and we duly nibbled, they are now at their scrummy best.  I suggested the club should start making their own jams - Denton Dribblings - the finest footy spread in the land.  After the teams started to warm up my good lady beetled off to do more chores and I gas-bagged with numerous faces before taking up the usual perch to watch the afternoons match-up.  I predicted a close one, even I didn't expect it to go right to the wire though.

The opening spectacle of soccerised competition saw both units work up a lather and get to grips with the pace of the ball and their opponents set-up.  Denton put in a decent attack that was dealt with and duly led to a counter.  As the home lads backtracked an easy cross came, a forward bod rose to nut home without fuss albeit whilst being in a probable offside position. The Taker was No 11 (Ryan Cook), the goal stood, the hosts were given a shocker - note to be made, once you leave the traps you have no time to sniff your own arse.

Questions were now posed of the resident ranks with Windle more than holding their own.  The hosts advanced, No 2 (Liam McDowell) forced a good save from the travelling mitter, a follow-up shot was blocked by an outstretched shank and No 6 (Phil Yuille) sent forth a delightful curler (non-rectal of course) that quivered the crossbar - he deserved better although I suspect the pre-match massage was still on his mind (the dirty bleeder).  

The Town now put together several sound passing sequences, a screw seemed to be being turned.  Windle stood firm, cultivated a breakaway that saw No 6 (Kyle Ross) finish with a skewed shot. This could have been a real nail in the coffin of hope for the home chaps.  The zombies of Denton have the chance to rise again - ooh err!

We now had a quite absorbing match, perfectly poised like the sexed up nipples of Frank Carson when the Guinness salesman was in town.  Denton were probing, a long ball saw No 7 (Joe Knight) touch on and No 9 (Leon Grandison) fire first time - the keeper (Dave Eden) produced a ruddy good save to protect the onion bag and only concede a corner.  The angled hoof was utter shit!

Denton had their peckers up (well, it was a clammy day), they came on again with a ball that saw the guest keeper punch with a certain degree of uncertainty.  The ball was helped on its way but Grandison was in the right spot to gain possession and fire home a quite sumptuous equaliser - it had been coming - well taken that man.  

The hosts now started to dictate but just needed to add a little more purpose to their threat.  Again, some exquisite passing was carried out with No 3 (Josh Stachini) having a first time pop fly just shy of the vertical.  No 8 (Aaron Clayton) fed No 7 (Joe Knight) next, a low shot saw the mittman push away, the incoming striker was just a shade too late to pick up on the scraps - he needs to pay more attention to the seaside gulls - now they wouldn't miss that!

The half now pressed on, Windle were working well and hanging in there.  Ross eventually garnered ownership of the sphere after the resident rear ranks pissed about with no general idea of what to do next.  A short pass came, No 11 (Ryan Cook) received and walloped home without a second thought - 1 - 2 - wow!

From here to the break little in the way of red hot action came, I knew I should have kept that old copy of Ruptured Ringpieces handy.  The whistle blew - we were all left pondering the end outcome, the opening throes had been more than a little eventful with the home-grown liner being sent off due to an overspill of verbals and the referee getting his silk-patched crotchless knickers in a right old twist.  My advice would be for the banished flag waver to save the energy for when he is next in a game and for the man in black to opt for a more forgiving gusset with perhaps a cotton-based under-string.

I stayed put for the break, slurped another brew kindly delivered by Rob Nicholson the Denton doofer and local Prostate Gland Checker.  The warm drink was greatly received, it was just a shame Rob had not washed his hands after a busy morn Bot-Holing.

Half two, Denton had a gamut of corners and free-kicks in the space of 15 minutes - all bore no fruit and maybe indicated a side who need to work on their set-piece creativity and their aerial threat.  I counted four free-kicks and eight corners during this spell with the guest keeper not questioned once - not good methinks.

The closest to a breakthrough was had when Town's No 5 (Cole McGrath) connected with one corner kick but whose header was cleared at the last by an alert defender.  To be fair, Windle Labour were now similar to a pair of Tena Underpants and absorbing well.  They had their own threat too with the Cook always an option when hoofing clear.  

Again Denton poured forth, McDowell latched onto a cross and sent in a rasper that was pushed behind.  The corner was wasted.  A gratis boot saw Stachini plonk the ball off the crossbar and soon after Windle broke and seemed surprised to see the home keeper off his line.  The gloved guardian looked in danger of being caught with his trousers down but recovered his position just in time to deal with a header that was heading for the netting.  Oh ye lucky git!

Things looked settled until the home team advanced with zoned in focus.  The guests were stretched, No 10 (Marcello Arhin) sprayed the ball wide, McDowell lasered in a cutting cross that left the defence standing and No 11 (Caleb Affleck) strode up to tap home and get this game back to all square.  Moments later Grandison found the net after a sweet move and great resident joy was had only to be neutered by the man in black who hailed the move offside.

The minutes now ticked by, Grandison had another chance, but was denied on the line.  Windle pounced next, mayhem ensued in the Denton box with several shots needing last minute blockages.  It was a heart-stopping period with Denton scrambling around like a flock of headless pheasants.  The survival mode kicked in, they got away with the scare and then continued to press.  Again the hard-working Grandison had a poke towards goal that was wide of the mark.  This was now getting too close for comfort for both squads.

My good lady turned up at this point, was she the bringer of good luck to one of the teams?  It seemed so as during the latter lumpings Denton caused chaos in the opposing box, a low shot came from the heap and the ball was back-heeled home by No 16 (Richard Farrington) - 3 - 2 - what a turn-up.  It was all too much for the Denton bench with one substituted player running on with chest bared and joining in the on-pitch celebrations.  This was all well-and good but enjoying the triumph whilst sporting an obvious boner is just not on.  The guests were incensed (was it the goal or the protruding pork piece) - a bit of argy bargy ensued, silly times indeed with a push, a shove, a chase and a smattering of threats all thrown into the melting pot.  Eventually matters settled and the final throes were upon us.

The last attack of the game was had by Denton with Grandison feeding No 5 McGrath who let fly and brought out a solid save from the mitter,  Soon after we were done and my Man of the Match went to Denton Town's No 9 (Leon Grandison) for bringing untold effort and enthusiasm, being a constant option and for keeping the opposition defence honest and on their toes - the goal was a well taken bonus.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Windle Labour seemed to come with a plan for this one and it nearly paid off.  They got their noses in front a couple of times and with a bit more belief could have snatched this.  They played things tight and battled well with off the ball work notably eye-catching.  The main aspect to work upon is when grabbing the lead do not sit back and think the job is done - push on, get more goals, believe wallopings can be dished out and the final three points can be bagged.  Denton Town are making hard work of matters this time around, but are getting by and holding their own at the top of the league.  They really do need to get their rears in gear from the off and when pushing forward do so as a hunting pack with those swarming forth showing a fiery desire to get into the danger zone.  The team has all the components, now they have to get them working as one.  They are currently a bit like a robot who just needs to get wired up right - there's nowt worse than a spark-plug in the wrong place or a transistorised todge left hanging spare - cripes.

CHEADLE-ISATION

30th August 2021 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 3 v 2 Cheadle Town - Up at the crack and with an anxiety riddled carcass - it doesn't help having nightmares about multi-nobbed men, anally active amputees and being chased by lesbians on pogo-sticks - yes, the mind was damaged young, I am still not right.  I crack on nonetheless and after the usual ablutions, a quick brekkie and a sort out I cycled to the local ground and arrived at 10.15am prompt.  A couple of banners were hung with local super doofer Mark Torbitt and then I had a potter, a natter and indulged in some pre-match strimming.  Many bags of gas were deflated via the verbals, many fine folk conversed with, despite feeling jittery the day was doing just fine.  STP Stu arrived an hour before kick-off and a brew was had (with a hot-dog for me as I was getting quite peckish) and the usual tooting spots were taken.  A healthy attendance came, the players set up for the off and after using the bone-trembling strimming machine I scribbled my observations and deciphered them as thus:- 

From the first rattle of the pea, Cheadle Town swarmed over the Nomadic rear like a gathering of Gonad Wasps over a sugar-dipped scrotum.  No 7 (Enock Amankwaa) was the first to streak away and cross the ball for No 11 (Joseph Collins) to hit first time.  The keeper was called upon to do his duty and did just that with a regulation block.  Amankwaa soon had a pop at goal himself and again, the resident No 1 (Alexander Fowell) did what was required of him.

The Town tide kept flowing, Collins found space, was denied by the stickman and then No 9 (Patrick Davin) was also thwarted by the keeper before having another punt wide of the mark.  Eventually the Nomads woke up, contributed to a more balanced affair but with the guests still appearing to be the most likely to bulge meshing.  In fact Town's No 4 (Adam Jones) danced a merry path forth and let loose a ball that looked to be sneaking on the inside of the post - alas a little bit too much drag saw it roll inches off line.

The hosts were galloping like diarrhoea riddled stallions and all the while doing well to keep matters at zero/zero.  Town strove to plunder a goal, Amankwaa and No 10 (Christian Soda) linked up well with the former player only managing to ripple the side netting.  

As time progressed the home lads eventually summoned their first worthwhile attack.  No 2 (Kieren Alley) was the apical component but the first touch was just lacking a certain delicacy and the keeper came to clear the danger.  Only 10 minutes remained of the first half, chances became rarer than pubes on Duncan Goodhew's arse crack.  No 3 (Max Lewens) for the Nomads had a spurt and earned a corner.  The ball was delivered, all heads were missed but Foley sent in a shot with solid gumption only to see the ball deflect wide.  Another angled kick came, as did a touch that sent the sphere mere centimetres shy of the vertical timber.

Things looked to be headed for a goal free half when a Nomadic throw led to Foley collecting and turning with great haste before letting fly and burying the first, all-important strike.  It was a delectable goal missed by the Nomads chairman who said he was in the bushes (make of that what you will).  For me the goal is best graded as a 'stunner' and believe me, Cheadle Town certainly looked stunned.

As half time loomed Town looked to level matters, but a crap corner and a header over the bar was all they could offer.  The hosts won one final corner which was easily posted and headed home by the awaiting No 9 (Daniel McLaughlin) - 2 -0 well who would have thought it?

The break arrived not long after, many were surprised at the score line, but such is football.  The game is not an easy one to read unless one is either:- A - sleeping with the devil, B - using dark forces to contact the ghost of Brian Moore or C - bribing officials and players with nude snapshots that are best left unmentioned.  Maybe the latter is why the Nomad chairman was recently in the undergrowth - is there a secret horde of candid photographs buried somewhere that are not as secret as one may imagine?  The mind shudders at the thought?

Half two and the initial spasms were regular and decently balanced.  The home pack then burst forth, a ball was sent across the goal-face, No 7 (William Shawcross) delivered from the other side and McLaughlin rose at the back post and obligingly nutted home.  By crikey, were some home fans having their first sexual occurrence of the season? Surely some of the nether-region bulges would testify to this.  I remained sober and unswollen (it is an age thing), but this was some surprise.  Cheadle Town needed a quick reaction, preferably dipped in a good dollop of lucky sauce.  They battled away, won a gratis boot - No 15 (Andrew Lunt) decided he would duly hoof and did so with mid-elevation and adequate swerve.  Bonces rose, bonces made no contact and neither did the keeper - the ball flew straight into the onion bag untouched - now consider that a gift dear visitors.

A similar free-kick came next, but was booted too long and then Foley had another punt for the resident team and came mighty close to regaining the 3 goal cushion.

This was a good, entertaining game, still plenty to play for and both units looking up for the fight. Corners aplenty came, all bearing no fruit although Davin for the Town had a header that he really should have put on target.  The Town rode their luck on a couple of occasions with a crossball from the home No 8 (Yussuf Addualahi) needing a scrappy scramble behind.  The corner brought no joy and we looked set to stay as we were.

Back and forth the ball went when No 3 (Miles Vare) for the visitors was in possession in the far corner.  A quick spurt, a chance to pass lost, another dink and dribble and then the ball was played back to Jones who thumped from decent range and somehow found the back of the net.  Now this was a real cliffhanger for sure - one perhaps destined to rival the end of a Flash Gordon episode after Ming The Merciless was just about to blow Dr Zarkoff's balls off.

I expected fireworks, in truth what I got was a few sputters and the odd spark (this was a moment for a Buster Crabbe wannabe to save the day).  Alas we came closer to getting a Buster Bloodvessel blow-off instead with neither goal seriously threatened.  Town looked to create, Nomads looked to deflate, Foley had a chance to further celebrate - but the keeper stood firm.  Soon after the referee called a halt to the game, for me the best team won and Man of the Match goes to Cheadle Heath Nomad's No 6 (Jack Taylor) for a concrete kick about at the back, some applaudable aerial effectiveness and for some rock solid sanguinity when under pressure - good stuff indeed.

FINAL THOUGHT - Cheadle Town came as favourites today, they returned back down the road humbled.  I still think they will more than hold their own this campaign and be in the top 10 without a doubt.  They started well, didn't take their chances and paid the ultimate price, but on another day... who knows?  They have a bit of depth in the squad and this should maintain a good stability in the season and bring decent reward.  To push on for promotion though is a big ask and this time, they will surely be just found wanting.   The Nomads have turned around a fearfully horrid start to the season and really got things rolling in the right direction.  They work as a pack, play for the full 90 minutes and never get on each others cases when things are rolling against them.  These are all aspects that may see them outdo their expectations.  The aims this season are sober and not far-fetched, if this current run of form continues they will be in the top 10 for sure.  I am just wondering what odds a betting man would give on which Cheadle team will finish highest - on today's evidence it is anyone's guess.  The next meet-up in the league down at Park Road could be very interesting indeed.