CHEADLE-ISATION

30th August 2021 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 3 v 2 Cheadle Town - Up at the crack and with an anxiety riddled carcass - it doesn't help having nightmares about multi-nobbed men, anally active amputees and being chased by lesbians on pogo-sticks - yes, the mind was damaged young, I am still not right.  I crack on nonetheless and after the usual ablutions, a quick brekkie and a sort out I cycled to the local ground and arrived at 10.15am prompt.  A couple of banners were hung with local super doofer Mark Torbitt and then I had a potter, a natter and indulged in some pre-match strimming.  Many bags of gas were deflated via the verbals, many fine folk conversed with, despite feeling jittery the day was doing just fine.  STP Stu arrived an hour before kick-off and a brew was had (with a hot-dog for me as I was getting quite peckish) and the usual tooting spots were taken.  A healthy attendance came, the players set up for the off and after using the bone-trembling strimming machine I scribbled my observations and deciphered them as thus:- 

From the first rattle of the pea, Cheadle Town swarmed over the Nomadic rear like a gathering of Gonad Wasps over a sugar-dipped scrotum.  No 7 (Enock Amankwaa) was the first to streak away and cross the ball for No 11 (Joseph Collins) to hit first time.  The keeper was called upon to do his duty and did just that with a regulation block.  Amankwaa soon had a pop at goal himself and again, the resident No 1 (Alexander Fowell) did what was required of him.

The Town tide kept flowing, Collins found space, was denied by the stickman and then No 9 (Patrick Davin) was also thwarted by the keeper before having another punt wide of the mark.  Eventually the Nomads woke up, contributed to a more balanced affair but with the guests still appearing to be the most likely to bulge meshing.  In fact Town's No 4 (Adam Jones) danced a merry path forth and let loose a ball that looked to be sneaking on the inside of the post - alas a little bit too much drag saw it roll inches off line.

The hosts were galloping like diarrhoea riddled stallions and all the while doing well to keep matters at zero/zero.  Town strove to plunder a goal, Amankwaa and No 10 (Christian Soda) linked up well with the former player only managing to ripple the side netting.  

As time progressed the home lads eventually summoned their first worthwhile attack.  No 2 (Kieren Alley) was the apical component but the first touch was just lacking a certain delicacy and the keeper came to clear the danger.  Only 10 minutes remained of the first half, chances became rarer than pubes on Duncan Goodhew's arse crack.  No 3 (Max Lewens) for the Nomads had a spurt and earned a corner.  The ball was delivered, all heads were missed but Foley sent in a shot with solid gumption only to see the ball deflect wide.  Another angled kick came, as did a touch that sent the sphere mere centimetres shy of the vertical timber.

Things looked to be headed for a goal free half when a Nomadic throw led to Foley collecting and turning with great haste before letting fly and burying the first, all-important strike.  It was a delectable goal missed by the Nomads chairman who said he was in the bushes (make of that what you will).  For me the goal is best graded as a 'stunner' and believe me, Cheadle Town certainly looked stunned.

As half time loomed Town looked to level matters, but a crap corner and a header over the bar was all they could offer.  The hosts won one final corner which was easily posted and headed home by the awaiting No 9 (Daniel McLaughlin) - 2 -0 well who would have thought it?

The break arrived not long after, many were surprised at the score line, but such is football.  The game is not an easy one to read unless one is either:- A - sleeping with the devil, B - using dark forces to contact the ghost of Brian Moore or C - bribing officials and players with nude snapshots that are best left unmentioned.  Maybe the latter is why the Nomad chairman was recently in the undergrowth - is there a secret horde of candid photographs buried somewhere that are not as secret as one may imagine?  The mind shudders at the thought?

Half two and the initial spasms were regular and decently balanced.  The home pack then burst forth, a ball was sent across the goal-face, No 7 (William Shawcross) delivered from the other side and McLaughlin rose at the back post and obligingly nutted home.  By crikey, were some home fans having their first sexual occurrence of the season? Surely some of the nether-region bulges would testify to this.  I remained sober and unswollen (it is an age thing), but this was some surprise.  Cheadle Town needed a quick reaction, preferably dipped in a good dollop of lucky sauce.  They battled away, won a gratis boot - No 15 (Andrew Lunt) decided he would duly hoof and did so with mid-elevation and adequate swerve.  Bonces rose, bonces made no contact and neither did the keeper - the ball flew straight into the onion bag untouched - now consider that a gift dear visitors.

A similar free-kick came next, but was booted too long and then Foley had another punt for the resident team and came mighty close to regaining the 3 goal cushion.

This was a good, entertaining game, still plenty to play for and both units looking up for the fight. Corners aplenty came, all bearing no fruit although Davin for the Town had a header that he really should have put on target.  The Town rode their luck on a couple of occasions with a crossball from the home No 8 (Yussuf Addualahi) needing a scrappy scramble behind.  The corner brought no joy and we looked set to stay as we were.

Back and forth the ball went when No 3 (Miles Vare) for the visitors was in possession in the far corner.  A quick spurt, a chance to pass lost, another dink and dribble and then the ball was played back to Jones who thumped from decent range and somehow found the back of the net.  Now this was a real cliffhanger for sure - one perhaps destined to rival the end of a Flash Gordon episode after Ming The Merciless was just about to blow Dr Zarkoff's balls off.

I expected fireworks, in truth what I got was a few sputters and the odd spark (this was a moment for a Buster Crabbe wannabe to save the day).  Alas we came closer to getting a Buster Bloodvessel blow-off instead with neither goal seriously threatened.  Town looked to create, Nomads looked to deflate, Foley had a chance to further celebrate - but the keeper stood firm.  Soon after the referee called a halt to the game, for me the best team won and Man of the Match goes to Cheadle Heath Nomad's No 6 (Jack Taylor) for a concrete kick about at the back, some applaudable aerial effectiveness and for some rock solid sanguinity when under pressure - good stuff indeed.

FINAL THOUGHT - Cheadle Town came as favourites today, they returned back down the road humbled.  I still think they will more than hold their own this campaign and be in the top 10 without a doubt.  They started well, didn't take their chances and paid the ultimate price, but on another day... who knows?  They have a bit of depth in the squad and this should maintain a good stability in the season and bring decent reward.  To push on for promotion though is a big ask and this time, they will surely be just found wanting.   The Nomads have turned around a fearfully horrid start to the season and really got things rolling in the right direction.  They work as a pack, play for the full 90 minutes and never get on each others cases when things are rolling against them.  These are all aspects that may see them outdo their expectations.  The aims this season are sober and not far-fetched, if this current run of form continues they will be in the top 10 for sure.  I am just wondering what odds a betting man would give on which Cheadle team will finish highest - on today's evidence it is anyone's guess.  The next meet-up in the league down at Park Road could be very interesting indeed.