Tuesday, 14 September 2021


11th September 2021 - Denton Town 3 v 2 Windle Labour - Up, sorted, out with the good lady to do some nature work at Ye Olde Denton Town.  Dave, Jimmy and Rob kept us kindly watered as we pootled away and made sure the areas cleared away so far were free from invasive plants and unwanted debris.  A Raven flew by as we dabbled, no doubt on the look out for a spare eyeball or some poor blokes lost testicles.  The Raspberry Bush was now producing fruit and we duly nibbled, they are now at their scrummy best.  I suggested the club should start making their own jams - Denton Dribblings - the finest footy spread in the land.  After the teams started to warm up my good lady beetled off to do more chores and I gas-bagged with numerous faces before taking up the usual perch to watch the afternoons match-up.  I predicted a close one, even I didn't expect it to go right to the wire though.

The opening spectacle of soccerised competition saw both units work up a lather and get to grips with the pace of the ball and their opponents set-up.  Denton put in a decent attack that was dealt with and duly led to a counter.  As the home lads backtracked an easy cross came, a forward bod rose to nut home without fuss albeit whilst being in a probable offside position. The Taker was No 11 (Ryan Cook), the goal stood, the hosts were given a shocker - note to be made, once you leave the traps you have no time to sniff your own arse.

Questions were now posed of the resident ranks with Windle more than holding their own.  The hosts advanced, No 2 (Liam McDowell) forced a good save from the travelling mitter, a follow-up shot was blocked by an outstretched shank and No 6 (Phil Yuille) sent forth a delightful curler (non-rectal of course) that quivered the crossbar - he deserved better although I suspect the pre-match massage was still on his mind (the dirty bleeder).  

The Town now put together several sound passing sequences, a screw seemed to be being turned.  Windle stood firm, cultivated a breakaway that saw No 6 (Kyle Ross) finish with a skewed shot. This could have been a real nail in the coffin of hope for the home chaps.  The zombies of Denton have the chance to rise again - ooh err!

We now had a quite absorbing match, perfectly poised like the sexed up nipples of Frank Carson when the Guinness salesman was in town.  Denton were probing, a long ball saw No 7 (Joe Knight) touch on and No 9 (Leon Grandison) fire first time - the keeper (Dave Eden) produced a ruddy good save to protect the onion bag and only concede a corner.  The angled hoof was utter shit!

Denton had their peckers up (well, it was a clammy day), they came on again with a ball that saw the guest keeper punch with a certain degree of uncertainty.  The ball was helped on its way but Grandison was in the right spot to gain possession and fire home a quite sumptuous equaliser - it had been coming - well taken that man.  

The hosts now started to dictate but just needed to add a little more purpose to their threat.  Again, some exquisite passing was carried out with No 3 (Josh Stachini) having a first time pop fly just shy of the vertical.  No 8 (Aaron Clayton) fed No 7 (Joe Knight) next, a low shot saw the mittman push away, the incoming striker was just a shade too late to pick up on the scraps - he needs to pay more attention to the seaside gulls - now they wouldn't miss that!

The half now pressed on, Windle were working well and hanging in there.  Ross eventually garnered ownership of the sphere after the resident rear ranks pissed about with no general idea of what to do next.  A short pass came, No 11 (Ryan Cook) received and walloped home without a second thought - 1 - 2 - wow!

From here to the break little in the way of red hot action came, I knew I should have kept that old copy of Ruptured Ringpieces handy.  The whistle blew - we were all left pondering the end outcome, the opening throes had been more than a little eventful with the home-grown liner being sent off due to an overspill of verbals and the referee getting his silk-patched crotchless knickers in a right old twist.  My advice would be for the banished flag waver to save the energy for when he is next in a game and for the man in black to opt for a more forgiving gusset with perhaps a cotton-based under-string.

I stayed put for the break, slurped another brew kindly delivered by Rob Nicholson the Denton doofer and local Prostate Gland Checker.  The warm drink was greatly received, it was just a shame Rob had not washed his hands after a busy morn Bot-Holing.

Half two, Denton had a gamut of corners and free-kicks in the space of 15 minutes - all bore no fruit and maybe indicated a side who need to work on their set-piece creativity and their aerial threat.  I counted four free-kicks and eight corners during this spell with the guest keeper not questioned once - not good methinks.

The closest to a breakthrough was had when Town's No 5 (Cole McGrath) connected with one corner kick but whose header was cleared at the last by an alert defender.  To be fair, Windle Labour were now similar to a pair of Tena Underpants and absorbing well.  They had their own threat too with the Cook always an option when hoofing clear.  

Again Denton poured forth, McDowell latched onto a cross and sent in a rasper that was pushed behind.  The corner was wasted.  A gratis boot saw Stachini plonk the ball off the crossbar and soon after Windle broke and seemed surprised to see the home keeper off his line.  The gloved guardian looked in danger of being caught with his trousers down but recovered his position just in time to deal with a header that was heading for the netting.  Oh ye lucky git!

Things looked settled until the home team advanced with zoned in focus.  The guests were stretched, No 10 (Marcello Arhin) sprayed the ball wide, McDowell lasered in a cutting cross that left the defence standing and No 11 (Caleb Affleck) strode up to tap home and get this game back to all square.  Moments later Grandison found the net after a sweet move and great resident joy was had only to be neutered by the man in black who hailed the move offside.

The minutes now ticked by, Grandison had another chance, but was denied on the line.  Windle pounced next, mayhem ensued in the Denton box with several shots needing last minute blockages.  It was a heart-stopping period with Denton scrambling around like a flock of headless pheasants.  The survival mode kicked in, they got away with the scare and then continued to press.  Again the hard-working Grandison had a poke towards goal that was wide of the mark.  This was now getting too close for comfort for both squads.

My good lady turned up at this point, was she the bringer of good luck to one of the teams?  It seemed so as during the latter lumpings Denton caused chaos in the opposing box, a low shot came from the heap and the ball was back-heeled home by No 16 (Richard Farrington) - 3 - 2 - what a turn-up.  It was all too much for the Denton bench with one substituted player running on with chest bared and joining in the on-pitch celebrations.  This was all well-and good but enjoying the triumph whilst sporting an obvious boner is just not on.  The guests were incensed (was it the goal or the protruding pork piece) - a bit of argy bargy ensued, silly times indeed with a push, a shove, a chase and a smattering of threats all thrown into the melting pot.  Eventually matters settled and the final throes were upon us.

The last attack of the game was had by Denton with Grandison feeding No 5 McGrath who let fly and brought out a solid save from the mitter,  Soon after we were done and my Man of the Match went to Denton Town's No 9 (Leon Grandison) for bringing untold effort and enthusiasm, being a constant option and for keeping the opposition defence honest and on their toes - the goal was a well taken bonus.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Windle Labour seemed to come with a plan for this one and it nearly paid off.  They got their noses in front a couple of times and with a bit more belief could have snatched this.  They played things tight and battled well with off the ball work notably eye-catching.  The main aspect to work upon is when grabbing the lead do not sit back and think the job is done - push on, get more goals, believe wallopings can be dished out and the final three points can be bagged.  Denton Town are making hard work of matters this time around, but are getting by and holding their own at the top of the league.  They really do need to get their rears in gear from the off and when pushing forward do so as a hunting pack with those swarming forth showing a fiery desire to get into the danger zone.  The team has all the components, now they have to get them working as one.  They are currently a bit like a robot who just needs to get wired up right - there's nowt worse than a spark-plug in the wrong place or a transistorised todge left hanging spare - cripes.

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