CAMMELLS HUMPED

21st September 2024 - Cammell Laird 2 v 3 Ashville FC - Me and the missus were up and on the road for 7.50am prompt, we are always keen to make the most of the days out and we were soon out and about at Eastham Country Park, pondering a  few fungi, enjoying a quiet stroll and having a coffee in a lovely quirky cafe.  Time flew by like a Crane-Fly being chased by a net-brandishing insect pervert, we were soon back in the car, parked up and swanning around the glorious open-space of Port Sunlight River Park - here we met up with a fine couple we know from the music scene - creators of synthed, punky, goth vibes who are darn good company to boot.  We enjoyed the scenery, a few bugs, blooms and fungi and ended up in a cafe (it goes without saying).  From here we had a brew at the couples abode, were dropped back at our car from where we made headway to Cammell Laird FC.   

The last time we had visited this ground was about 10 years ago, we enjoyed it but could remember nothing.  We arrived with 20 minutes to spare before the ball got rolling. We grabbed some chips and pop and chose a quite suitable viewing spot.  During the jaunt we spied 40+ wildlife species - and a great hairy arsed punter who I am sure should be added to the British Ape List - I will call the correct authorities. 

So, after the food was swallowed, the pop swilled and the feet placed in position, the ball began to roll and I rattled out the following text-based observations. 

The first examination of a defensive set-up came via the away team who pushed and probed but were met with firm resistance.  Cammell Laird responded with a move finalised by the cranial contact of their No 11 (Jack Darlington) whose pop at goal lacked the crucial 'oomph' factor.  The game had good pace, both teams were radiating an 'attack-minded' ethos and I looked forward to witnessing the initial breakthrough real soon. The hosts began to grow into the game and show more purpose, Ashville though were a threat and their No 11 (Peter Morgan) was soon released but the first touch was poor and the end shot somewhat weak.  Straight up the other end we went, a keeper error saw the ball go loose and roll into a position to be slapped home.  The chance was not taken, a cross followed, was only half dealt with and up stepped No 10 (Ben Glover) and bagged the opening strike. 

Ashville now needed to up the ante, No 10 (Mark Madden) could only manage a shabby shot and No 7 (Thomas Hewlett) had a pop soon after that was of similar quality. After a small break in play the Laird travelled forth again with Ashville not defending as a unit.  A shot was blocked, the loose ball was not cleared and on the scraps fed No 7 (Joseph Brandon) who doubled his teams tally.  This was a fair state of play, Ashville were guilty of not running off the ball enough when advanced flick-ons were being executed, a half-time talk was very much in order. 

Prior to the break a bit of argy-bargy saw a few sequinned purses dropped and a couple of bizarre bookings take place. With a thermally raised feel to the game the final minutes dwindled out and were left with the home team looking set for a 3-point prize. 

We had a wander for the break, looked at a bit of wildlife and swigged some refreshing pop.  The weather was delightful, the game was still nicely balanced despite the guests being behind, I expected a comeback and maybe a draw come the end, this is what transpired. 

A super quick start from the guests was just what the footballing gurus would have prescribed and that is exactly what happened. After a shot over the bar from the hosts Ashville responded with No 9 (Lewis Moynes) letting fly and forcing the keeper to save but not hold.  The free globe was pounced upon and Hewlett halved the deficit - now then, this was interesting indeed. Ashville continued to pile on the pressure, a free kick was posted, the keeper was static and No 17 (Joshua Maldon) watched as the ball left his foot and nestle in the awaiting netting.  It all seemed so simple, and now this game was anyone’s. 

Madness ensued, some touchline onlookers got worked up into a frenzy, it seemed as though there was something in the Wirral Water after all, no wonder my balls were throbbing and turning blue - cripes.  The clobbered Cammell lads looked to get to grips with matters at hand and avoid a looming disaster.  A corner was won and neatly delivered but the No 1 (Jamie Owen) punched well and snuffed out all threat.  A goal-kick soon followed, the home keeper made good contact but the ball was played straight back with the energy-saturated Moynes for Ashville chasing and having a poked shot that the mittman did well to save. 

This was getting a tense affair, the visiting bunch were well up for grabbing the win, Cammell Laird were hanging in with the odd chance missed.  Scrambling and surviving was the name of the game in both boxes as each team looked for the crucial lead goal.  Ashville though slowly gained a grip, a squeeze was on, the next attack was swift and cutting with an overlap, a cross and Madden in the box showing quick feet but only sending the ball into the meat of the mittman's carcass. 

The clock ticked forth, a few shots came at the Laird's goal, Moynes had a beautiful pop with the gloved guardian producing a glorious save.  It wasn't long before the team with their peckers up were marauding forth again. The ball entered the zone marked 'hazardous'. Hewlett arrived and put in a header that went over the keeper and looked destined to land in the string vest - somehow it bounced wide.  What a chance! 

A throw came, Ashville raced away like ferrets from the trouser leg of Russell Grant.  A shot came, it was scuffed but somehow found Hewlett who wasted no time in grabbing the lead goal.  Those on the touchline who were fans of the guests duly went cracked, I was an admirer of a great turnaround but was not one to count any chickens just yet.   

The closing stages galloped by, shots came either end, Cammell Laird had a penalty shout that saw a player booked for a Tom Daley impersonation.  The final chugs saw No 8 (Joel Kelly) for Ashville have a glorious chance to nail the coffin lid shut on the home teams hopes but the shot that was neatly placed around the keeper rolled mere centimetres wide of the vertical.  The referee halted play soon after - this had been some comeback and the Man of the Match must go to the man who played a great part in the footballing resurrection, namely No 9 (Lewis Moynes).  Eternally committed, a bag of zealous energy and a constant buzzing threat – this was an exhausting and quality laden stint even a whizzed up pitman would be proud of – keep eating yer greens lad.

We shuffled off soccer-sated and ready to get home after a long but productive day. 

FINAL THOUGHTS – Cammell Laird have a grand set-up here, much better than I remember and with a good feel to the place.  The team worked hard throughout and during the first half were defensively solid and very good value for their 2 goal lead.  The second half saw pressure build and get a little too much, for me a good hoofing of the ball out of play, a belief in getting a third goal and not sitting too deep would have saved much mither but these things happen and it must be a lesson learned.  Ashville though came on mighty strong and after the previous weeks disappointment did mighty well to show some character and resolute belief and turn this game completely around.  This comeback may just be the start of something special – it is these little nudges into the realms of utter conviction that can make for a successful season.  They do need to work their knackers off though from the off and make sure the running off the ball is consistent and in-tune – maybe they should consider the aforementioned ferret and the fear of having a stargazers todger up their rear – that is enough to make anyone gallop like buggery – ooh me Zodiac.

CLASH AT THE ASH

14th September 2024 - Ashville FC 2 v 2 Shawbury United - A day out again, one of those mix and match affairs me and the missus enjoy so much.  Birkenhead Park was the first port of call - we had a good mooch, a coffee and breakfast bap and enjoy some exceptional sun.  We recorded 126 species which were made up of galls, birds, flowers, fungi and a few other oddments.  I did meet a 3-legged lesbian known as Clitorina but couldn't decipher what category to record her under - nay bother though, many flavours are welcome to the great universal fruitcake.  Having said this, I think the guy using his todger as a dibbler in the communal gardens does need talking to.  We also met a womble - a fine gent who was doing some volunteer litter picking - a man enjoying the sun and doing something far more productive and selfless tha most people would achieve all week - splendid work methinks.  From here we had a short visit to Bidston Moss, a rather tucked away and neglected site with only 2 people present - one was a photographer who gave us a quick rundown on the lay of the land and the other was a man and his dog with a box of beer to get through.  He was a fine fellow of rubicund countenance and with a plan to get back home after a few more slurps and watch the racing and the footy - talking of footy, I think we had a match to attend - cripes.

A short drive, parked up and a chat with two friendly officials.  A brew, a choccy bar and a sit in the shade - we were ready for a good game, and a snooze if the truth be told, where are the ruddy matchsticks when you need em'.

After the whistle had been blown on this clement, but slightly soporific afternoon, the first advancement of any import was made by the resident ranks with a kick from the corner resulting in a disappointingly limp effort.  From here the travellers responded with immediate focus and a throw in saw the ball bumbled forth and No 8 (Joseph Drakeley) gather.  From mid-distance the shank was swung and the globe struck with the sweetest and noiseless contact possible.  The projected orb flew low across the emerald baize before nestling itself in the bottom corner of the meshing - a sweet strike and a shocker for the much fancied hosts.

Ashville were electrocuted into action with a quick movement leading to a ball into the perilous quarters, No 8 (Joel Kelly) receiving and having an initial look at the strike zone.  The first thoughts at glory were passed by, a step over and then another chance was taken and the ball was duly buried.  1 - 1 - parity restored - this was looking like a classic in the making and when Shawbury were soon striding forth and winning a corner I was hoping the goals would keep on coming.  Alas the delivery was as weak as Larry Grayson's handshake and the lofted shot by No 11 (Brendon Price) was about as accurate as one of Donald Trumps aims at the truth.

The game eventually settled, Ashville were next to foray forth with threat.  The move was simple but effective and culminated in a dig by No 7 (Thomas Hewlett) who was only denied by an outstretched shank from the guest No 1 (Ashley Rawlins).  Moments later the home No 10 (Mark Madden) had a pop of his own but the mittman was there again to collect with unflustered ease. Shawbury answered these dangers with a  corner but Ashville defended as a strong unit and dulled any threat, the ruddy spoilsports.

As we paid for a go on the raffle and were confronted by a wannabe Bamber Gascoigne (who duly gave us three posers to contemplate during the rest of the game) I spied the hosts going forth and nearly sneaking a lead goal with the ball landing on top of the netting (I missed the player who had the punt, I was too busy having pot shots at the questions put my way).  The game continued with good pace and endeavour with both teams always looking to play forward thinking football. 

As my pen took a slight break from the paper molesting, the nib was soon exposed again and soon forced to ejaculate ink (ooh cripes, I must stop taking these hormone pills) and Ashville were breezing forth via their No 9 (Joseph Dulson).  The flank flyer negotiated a marker, raced the wing, supplied Madden who had a fair strike at goal with the opposing mitted man doing mighty well to tip over for a corner.  The hoof from the angle was shaky and bore no fruit.

As the half delved into its nether regions the away team looked to hold most promise.  No 9 (Danar Saber) put in a shot that was easily gathered by the keeper, and a few other sorties seemed to hold potential but ended with no further strikes.  When all was looking settled and both teams could ponder the break with a share of the spoils Shawbury's Rawlin's was guilty of holding on to the ball a little too long and when he released to his No 6 (Emmanuel Williams) a similar dilly-dally crime was committed.  The ball was pilfered by No 11 (Peter Morgan). aA one on one situation arose which saw the striker win the day and put his side 2 - 1 up - this was a turn up for the tattered books and when the half ended the scoreline did seem a trifle unfair.

For the break we nattered with some nearby folk, rolled many probable answers to the aforementioned questions around our weary noggins and shared a choccy bar whilst considering shifting our arses to a different position.  We decided to stay put - idle buggers we be.

The first opportunity of half two came for the hosts with Kelly having a chance to strike but leaving it for Madden to connect with. The shot went over the horizontal and from here we entered something of a quiet period.  Ashville did add the odd spark with Dulson probing, finding Madden who laid off for Morgan.  The shot that came was saved for a corner which was duly kicked straight into the side netting - ooh bugger. A few minutes later another corner came and this time the keeper punched with authority and then Ashville came once more with No 16 (Luka Gian-Salvatore) crossing to Kelly who nutted over the bar.

Madden for Ashville had a golden opportunity to add another goal when he was released and only had the keeper to beat.  Full credit to the No 1 though, he stood firm and kept his onion bag unpenetrated.  The pressure still rolled the same way albeit in little ripples rather than big crashing waves. Madden remained a major component in the mix, his assassins boots though were just lacking a little of that killer shine.

A break for an injury, No 3 (Jeffrey Agyeman) for Shawbury hobbled off which was a real shame as so far, he had been the Man of the Match for me.  From here Ashville kept on pushing and squandering any chance off sealing the game. With time ticking away I turned to my good lady and said it looked as though there would be a sting in the tail for the home lads if they didn't put this one to bed mighty soon.  Madden had another shot, a save was made, a follow up effort cleared off the line.  A few more half chances came for the team with their tails up but with the shooting sights just off-line.  Suddenly Shawbury summoned one last hoof, a long ball came, time stood still and the upright was trembled and the free ball was tucked home by No 10 (Jack Howse) - it was the 97^th minute - it was a case of a side hanging in by the skin of their teeth and getting due reward for their efforts.  The game ended soon after - was a draw a justifiable end result - on reflection I thought so.  Man of the Match - a tough one to call but I am sticking with the aforementioned Shawbury United No 3 (Jeffrey Agyeman) - I think that he kept his side very much in this game with some stubborn and controlled defending that was done with head down composure and solid control.  The fact that he had to leave early should not detract from a fine stint.

FINAL THOUGHTS - What a fine set-up it is at Ashville, a welcoming ground with a good feel to it and one we were long overdue visiting.  The game was a strange affair and started with a great burst of activity which led to an absorbing first period of play with the second half being more one sided before being finalised with a surprise suckerpunch from a team who refused to curl up and take a kicking.  Ashville are good value team and after underachieving last year now look to be on the right track.  There is a caveat here though and if they fail to bury teams when they have the upper hand they will be punished over and over again and end up missing out on a play-off spot if not, something a little more attractive.  This is a sticky, tricky league with each and every weekend throwing up many capricious results - be warned Ashville, get thy shooting boots sharpened.  As for Shawbury United - a new team to the league and so, something of an unknown commodity. They are sitting just above the relegation zone but on today's evidence, for the first half at least, looked like a mid-table team.  The second half perfomance was obviously lacking but they hung on in there and snaffled a point that was due reward for the resistance and graft. If they work as a unit, don't get on each other's cases and enjoy this new journey they will be OK - they must play for the full 90 minutes though and maintain the attacking style that was more obvious in the first half.  Hopefully we can get down to their ground at some point and I shall do another report - digits crossed.

So, a good day done, we pootled off home well pleased.  Oh - the answers to the questions eluded us but the quizmaster collared us before we left and enlightened our puzzled noggins  - the answers were:- A - Jimmy Saville's Arse, B - Pubic Lice and C - Double Diamond Pale Ale - I really should have known that last one - bah.