SHAKIN' UP THE BLUES

24th November 2025 - Maine Road FC 2 v 4 Bury FC - Today I had had a soaking whilst indulging in a 14 mile cycle.  I got mucky looking for fungi, birds and any other wild wonder and I had a bad head due to a neck strain, a blocked lug and some sinus shittery that is getting on my tits.  I arrived home and had a call from the doctors, my blood sugars had risen and so a strict diet was pending.  I was fed up and tetchy but was glad I hadn't stocked up on Texan Bars, Funny Faces Lollies and Rainbow Sex Sherbert - what a waste of money that would have been.  After a bath, some grub  and a chill I was contemplating the weeks ahead eating greens, low-fat produce and going for a graze in the local cow field.  This growing old lark is a poxy diddle, long gone are the days of sherry-swilling blow-outs, drawing on a tab, sniffing glue, gluttoning to buggery and lazing away.  Now every step has to be taken with care - 'ooh only one sugar in my coffee please', 'sorry I don't drink or smoke', 'just Bostik Glue from now on thank you'.  Mind you it could be worse - a local guy near me has developed a u-bend in his todger from over-meddling, has piles the size of globe artichokes and wears double-glazed pebble glasses just to find where he lives.  Ah yes - life begins at....ooh the fuckin liars.

Anyway, my good lady dropped me at the ground tonight, I took my place next to my mate John D and we had a catch up.  John has finally packed up with his Prosthetic Limb Agency and is now looking at growing Porn Corn - a new plant-based substance that is laden with hormones and aphrodisiacs.  The only side effect is your genitals turning yellow and an increase in the chance of being bummed by the Jolly Green Giant.  My diabetes diet now seems a great deal more sinister.  And to the game...

...onto the softly dew-kissed baize the teams strode, both looking rather small in stature, maybe an optical illusion caused by the wintry climate and my rather off-kilter noggin.  The early strainings saw the hosts hold their own and give inkling of a situation deemed 'promising' by those of a more optimistic bent.  Alas for the hosts Bury were soon charging forward with the blurring shanks of No 3 (J. Webbe) hurtling away and sending forth a pop at the meshing.  The ball was saved, the defending that followed was slacker than a politicians jaw and up popped No 11 (Tyler James) to bag the first strike of the night.

From this drastically bad start Maine Road were immediately put under the freshly branded cosh again with a corner won and delivered and No 4 (F. Gaulton) rising like a sexed up fruitloop on a trampoline (ooh darn this head) and putting in a free header that, luckily for the hosts, had too much elevation.  The home lads responded with some perspired work but just lacked the assassins touch in the final third.

The state of play began to level out, Maine Road had a chance to bag an equaliser when a bad defensive ball landed at the feet of No 9 (Jack Coop).  Time was taken to pick a pass, No 11 (Gold Badmuss) was found and after one look a shot was executed but, the ball failed to stay on target and so Bury breathed a sigh of relief.  From here the guests put in a stern effort, Webbe led the next charge with a sweet weaving run.  The ball was posted, confusion arose, eventually No 9 (Patrick Johnrose) had a pop on the turn and sent the globe wide.  Another nifty move for Bury soon followed, Johnrose was the end component but his dig also flew wide - Maine Road were now living on the edge.

As things looked to be getting more perilous for the hosts an attack was had with Coop putting in a deft touch allowing No 7 (Jeremie Pedro) to nip in and pull the trigger.  The guest No 5 (J. Gregory) stood firm and blocked, the loose ball was fizzed across goal and went dead.  A free-kick for the Blues soon followed.  A quick passage of play, Badmuss provided service to Coop whose fair crack just couldn't stay on target.  Bury punched back, Webbe delivered, No 7 (Gerry McCullion) produced an audacious overhead that saw good contact made but the ball fly over the timber.

From here The Shakers pushed, Road No 6 (Ben Mooney) was guilty of an error and the ball was pilfered and poked forth.  Mcullion had the keeper to beat and beat him he did - 0 - 2 - and well deserved.

Maine Road were clinging on now, a few free-kicks and corners came their way and they resisted further penetration.  They did indeed win a corner, it was hit with good curve and pace, the guest No 1 (R. Saunders) did well to stop it from sneaking in under the crossbar.  Soon after a Bury mistake was left unpunished and then a response saw Webbe put one on a plate for James who recklessly blazed over.

A few more huffs, puffs and not so close shaves and the break was upon us, the scoreline did indeed reflect matters and was perhaps a hint of more things to come.  I stayed put for the break and had my last Yoghurt Bar for a while and a swill of some warming ginger.  Fungalpunk may be Fungalmonk anytime soon - bless you my child.

Half two, Bury wasted no time in blasting forth via the impressive Tyler who won a corner for his troubles. In the ball went, the keeper failed to collect, Johnrose had a shot which was deflected over and the next angled hoof was survived.  The hosts looked to build from the back, a pass was made to the keeper, the first touch was shabby and the predator that is Johnrose scented a chance, nipped in, pilfered and tapped the ball home to kill the game stone dead.  A cruel blow indeed but if you dangle your conkers too many times you are sure to pay a heavy price and become one nut-short.

Maine Road now tried to summon some ray of hope with No 3 (Connor Clark) having a fair chance after a jigging run but failing to find the all important onion bag.  Bury were reactivated once more, a ball was held up with authority, touched off to James who let fly a venomous sizzler that bulged the netting and rounded off a quite rewarding session of play.  A fine goal that lad, a real humdinger.

From here the game fizzled out for a lengthy period with subs aplenty, a few injury breaks and no real high end action.  Due to this lack of thrill I was made more aware of the first tendrils of cold creeping up the trouser leg in the hope of numbing the nethers.  Thank goodness for my double-layered Frank Bough Thermals - they were slightly bald at the front but were still doing the business.

Into the arse end of the affair we went, it seemed goals were now a far away prospect with the closest we came being a shot from Road's Sub that was firm enough but tidily saved and a return hoof from the Shaker's that struck a bonce at the back of the goal.  A stunning move by the visitors came next, the flank was blazed, tackles rode and a cross posted but the wannabe killer could only connect and send the ball into the heavens.

I was ready to put the pen and paper down when Maine Road won a free-kick.  The postal service was decent, a nut across goal came, a moment of havoc and a spare man for the Blues, namely  No 3 (Jake Pogson) fired home.  This was a shocker and all too late but the home lads had their peckers up (ooh on such a cold night too) and a long ball saw all heads missed, and the substitute collect and rifle in a good punt that the mittman turned behind for a corner.  The booting from the angle came, a smattering of uncertainty invaded the box and up popped super-sub Jamie Schofield to touch home.  2 - 4 - and the goal average was upped but any thoughts of a comeback were derailed as the referee blew for full time a few seconds later.

I wasted no time in getting back to the car, I was a trifle tired and my good lady had brought me some toast - wholemeal bread tha' knows and cholesterol lowering butter - thankfully I grabbed a handful of grass from the pitch and added that as an extra treat - Non-League calories - only the best.  Man of the Match, I nearly forgot - I reckon it is mighty fair in giving it to Bury Town's No 7 (Tyler James) - swift, strong and with an awareness of what is going on around him. with 2 goals bagged as a bonus - nah tha' can't fault that.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Well, there ain't a lot to add here.  Bury FC were expected to win and win they did.  At times they were quick and slick and opened up the Maine Road team like a fishmonger filleting a Haddock.  One or two players really caught the eye and there was a good understanding throughout the ranks that made this a quite efficient and well-oiled performance.  The late goals they let in can be a reminder that concentration must last the full game but other than that, roll on Bury and keep doing what ya do.  Maine Road are on a bad run, this game was a free-hit though and I reckon they are better off out of all cups so they can concentrate on their precarious league position.  Their next 6 games will answer some serious questions with the one against Garstang a must-win match I reckon.  All teams hit a bad patch but without any attention they can become a contagion and a serious rot can set in.  Come the other side of Christmas we will see if the Maine Road timbers are shaking or the season has turned around - I like a bit of DIY Rot and Roll, I do hope The Blues avoiding the decay process.

A NORTH WEST ODDMENT

25th October 2025 - Ashville FC 2 v 1 Alsager Town  - Zipping here and there and chasing our own tails had been the order of the day of late and so we looked to have a chilled day with no mither.  A walk at Dibbinsdale NR started later than expected due to the weather playing silly buggers and forcing us to take refuge in a cafe until it cleared (any excuse). We had some good grub and watched the clouds peel away and then we had a mooch which was nice and peaceful and turned up 105 different species.  We added a few extra things as well before time caught up with us and we had to head to the planned footy.  20 minutes later we were greeted in the car park by a fine local chap who does more than his share.  After paying our way in a brew was bagged and a chosen viewing point had.  The sun was out and so rather than take a pew, we decided to keep the legs stretched and soak up the bare basics of a watery solar orb.

The teams eventually took to centre stage where the nip in the air was more than a little spiteful.  We opened todays hoofing account with Alsager starting the game, holding on to possession and patiently passing around to get a good feel of matters.  This was all well and good but it seemed to take an age before any real progress was made.  The corner that was eventually won was blighted by the rising wafts and the hosts easily cleared.  Ashville slowly worked themselves into the game, their first progression forth came via their No 2 (Connor Rowland) who dashed with purpose and won a kick from the corner.  The ball was delivered, the Alsager No 6 (Thomas Boyd) rose and killed all threat and from here, up front action was minimal.

As both teams played with a certain hesitancy and overly cautious methodology Ashville's No 7 (Thomas Davies) tried to inject some thrills with a powerful darting surge and shot that the guest keeper did well to turn over the bar.  The corner that followed was dross - thankfully a nearby feeding Kestrel kept me entertained whilst another corner was delivered in an equally awful manner.

The game rolled on beneath deceptive blue skies that gave rise to a real chill.  Another Kestrel appeared on nearby wasteland, I was almost overly distracted and nearly missed Ashville's No 9 (Joseph Dulson) pop on goal that landed right in the awaiting keeper's arms.  Ashville started to up the pressure levels from here but a shot that came was blocked, Alsager's No 9 (Alfie Carmichael) collected and flew away on a break that looked awash with potential.  The shanks pumped, tackles were rode, a cross came and No 10 (Luke Nicholls) was there to bag the opener and finally give the game some true life.

From the immediate kick-off Alsager's Carmichael committed a foul - I suspect the legs were tired after the recent run.  The ball was placed near the halfway line, No 5 (Ishmael Banks) was on it and wellied it into the box.  The ball rose, and fell, it looked as though the keeper had it covered when the globe kept on falling, falling and falling and... landed in the net.  It was a great way to retain parity, the hoofer was claiming it, a local Buzzard rode the thermals and didn't look impressed.

The time of the first period now tickled away, Ashville's Davies nearly grabbed a goal but his close in header was easily saved.  The same player was involved again soon after when an impudent touch on to Dulson saw a tumbling in the box and a penalty awarded.  Ashville were being given a Brucey Bonus (well it's better than a cuddly toy or a fondu set) and Dulson stepped up and buried the ball to send his side into the break one goal to the good - now I wouldn't have predicted that after the first 20 minutes or so.

We had a wander for a brew during the break, and of course an Arthur Bliss.  As we waltzed forth the fungus Puccinia distincta was seen growing on the leaves of a Daisy and Purple Toadflax, Herb Robert, Wild Carrot, Canadian Fleabane, Bristly Ox-Tongue, Black Nightshade, Dandelion agg, Pineappleweed and Greater Plantain were added to the bloom list which also included Soapwort.  Tis' good to have the peepers peeled.  3 Magpies, a raft of Black Headed Gulls and a Carrion Crow were also seen, it was just too cold for any Snakes (Especially the 'Trouser' sub-species) and any escapee Sausage Dogs.

Back on the touchline, Alsager started sharply and were striving to work their way back into this.  Balls into both boxes came and went, Alsager were just lacking width and not moving the ball quickly enough.  A free-kick did offer promise but the nut on goal by No 6 (Thomas Boyd) was just lacking in the all important 'oomph' factor.  From here matters became somewhat stale until a home sub was away and faced with a keeper off his line.  A quick cut in, a look and the ball was sent forth.  The goal looked to be assured when a defender popped up, cleared off the line and saved the day.  Dulson was next away, this time the guest keeper advanced and blocked with more certainty.  Another ball came at the Alsager goal, the ball went up and once more the No1 (George Byrne) did well to punch behind for a corner.  From this delivery Alsager cleared but failed to build any serious impetus.

The closing stages soon came in a game that was industrious but lacking a true spark.  Matters had rolled along and the scoreline looked set in stone.  A few more semi-threats, no real breakthroughs and that was indeed that, my pen was put away, the paper on which I scrawled left with room to spare.  Man of the Match for me was Ashville's No 5 (Ishmael Banks) - a heads down, no nonsense, 'deal with it' player who did what was needed as and when required.  The lucky lottery strike was an added gift from the footballing Gods methinks - somebody up there likes you.

We were soon back in the car trying to warm up and heading home.  Another good trip to a favourable ground was had, not the greatest match but one we were glad to support.  

FINAL THOUGHTS - A somewhat middling affair played out by two teams whom I am sure have more to offer.  I found the whole escapade today rather strange and wondered what tactics were being used throughout, what was, a veritable awkward chess match.  Alsager had a lot of possession but seemed to be always uncertain as to how to move matters forth and how to break down the opposing force.  I am sure this style of play will win the odd game but it will also cost them a few too - I was left feeling that this was a side just lacking in a couple of crucial components and some serious invention.  Ashville also left me confounded, I was contemplating a team who just seemed to lack that attacking dynamism.  For several periods they played rather deep for a home team and it did look as though a goal was a spectacle that we weren't going to witness.  Having said all this, I suspect both teams will be OK and looking at the tables they seem to be holding their own although Alsager need to watch their step and get a few more points under their belts.  Maybe this was a clash of styles, maybe next week both teams will be walloping in the goals - I hope so and hope to be seeing them both again real soon.