LIVELY LIVER BIRDS FLYING HIGH

14th September 2016 - Cheadle Town 1 v 5 City of Liverpool FC - A day off work and 60 species of fungi identified from a local park.  I finished reading my latest book 'Doctor At Sea' by Richard Gordon and had a good chinwag with my lasses - not a bad day at all.  A good tea and off to the footy to finish the day with the vibes of 'Blank Generation' by Richard Hell filling the car on the way down.  Warm and clammy like Wayne Rooney's palms at the mention of a pay increase the temperature looked like the least of Cheadle Towns worries tonight ahead of what was looking like a very tough match indeed.  One hoped that The Boys would produce some of the grit they readily exhibit and claw out a result of some positivity.  Alas I was a trifle optimistic and as it transpired...

Toe on ball, the kick off came.  The opening period saw the team of Liverpool go straight for the jugular and an opening brace of long shots set the stall out and had Cheadle right on the back foot.  Despite the initial flow Cheadle should have been in front but fluffed the chance and let the away team off the rusted hook and continue their long ball fishing.  It was such a ball that led to the opening goal which was duly finished with aplomb by a seemingly cool striker on form.  No sooner had Cheadle settled than the Liverpool No 11 rifled home a cracker and put the visitors 2 goals to the good (or bad dependent on where your loyalties are found).  Again and again the tidal wave came and yet it was the homesters who had a golden opportunity go to waste after the keeper was lobbed and left stranded but whom miraculously got back just in time to block the ball on the line from the No 10's follow up.  The Scouse machine maintained the upper hand but Cheadle hung on in there however, like the aging body of Neville Southall, the game eventually lost something of its shape, much to the assistance, and relief, of the lads in green.  Unfortunately the lull didn't last and after a goal line clearance and a gasp from the fans that busy bee and on the mark No 11 popped up again and fired in his second of the night - and bloody well deserved it was.  Half time was announced - 3-0 seemed  kind to the Cheadle Boys - by heck, it was going to be a long night for em'.

A sit on me arse and a read of a book on nettles - lovely plants they are.

Half the second and ye Cheadle Town of defiant mode did pusheth forth.  Things may have turned the uncertain corner, hope sprang eternal...until... a low driving pass razored through the defence and was tapped home to increase the Liverpool lead and put the game well and truly to bed (without the snooze factor).  Cheadle were now pulled this way and that and became a ragged and somewhat forlorn unit and when the industrious No 10 lunged and mistimed a tackle the red card was surely the final insult on a night of hard, unrewarding labour.  Personally I thought the punishment too harsh and saw no vindictiveness in the offence - just a tired carcass mis-judging the pace of the ball.  Another goal now seemed inevitable and up stepped that No 11 again and netted his hat-trick from a situation he should never have been allowed to shoot from.  Liverpool now switched off, Cheadle struck the bar and actually stole a goal after the away teams No 1 completely missed an innocent looking ball and allowed the score-line to be more generous than it should have been.  Two injuries saw Cheadle eventually go down to 8 men and that, after the last huffs and puffs, was that - two teams both going in opposite directions - one looking smooth and silky, the other still waiting to get the season started.  Who knows what the end of the season will bring, but I reckon the City of Liverpool FC will by vying for top spot and making merry hell, for many teams, along the way.

Man of the Match - surprise, surprise tis that ruddy No 11 again (Thomas Peterson) who was one of several players that could have been chosen from a team of absolute quality.  It would be rude though to ignore the exploits of this 3 goal maestro.  Well played dude!

FINAL THOUGHT - Unlike a man with a very weakened bladder it was the art of passing that was on show tonight and exhibited that if a team sticks to a formula, knows each other inside out and has an ability to nail many a long ball then, in this league at least, they are destined to push for the top.  Perhaps the City of Liverpool are the best team I have seen this year, certainly in Division 1 at the very least. They certainly gave an excellent account of themselves tonight and are a team I will be keeping a peeper on throughout the developing season.
 .  

NEVER SAY DIE...UNTIL...

12th September 2016 - Maine Road 2 v 3 Runcorn Town - A fine late summer football evening with the smell of sweet grass, linament and expectation all floating on the luxurious balmy air.  Two teams were ready to do battle tonight, two teams I am more than familiar with and causing me to come up with a pre-match prediction of a 2 - 2 draw.  On paper it seemed a close encounter and with a few good players on show I had high levels of anticipation for a minor classic.

The 1st half got underway and it was immediately apparent that Runcorn's game plan was to work ruddy hard, hassle the opposition and give them no time to settle.  It worked a treat and Maine Road never really got a hold of the game until late in the first period when they found themselves one down after Runcorn's high energy and waspish bustling led to an error at the back and a smash and grab lead was had.  In truth the home team should have been level shortly after when a one on one situation saw the striker hit the ball straight at the well-spread keeper thus blowing the chance of getting the game re-balanced.  Fireworks lit up the sky in the background, my good comrade Ged Murder turned up (always a pleasure) and the game settled down with The Road having another shot saved and the away team still working hard and keeping their somewhat precarious advantage.  Tis all grand stuff for the onlooker.

Time for a cup of tea methinks and I brought me old mucka a pie to keep him chipper and on form (greedy bugger he is).  A good chat was had about recent footy predictions, upcoming gigs and the nasty nobrots in the music scene - oh yes.

Out in the balmy air and onto the opposite side of the ground with the away fans to watch the game from a fresh perspective.  Normal service resumed and as Runcorn went straight at it a Tom Selleck look-a-like in the crowd looked on with an investigators eye and seemed to be obsessed with the wasteground at the back of the nets - maybe a murder scene methinks.  Oops I digress, darn those tablets.  To the game and Runcorn pressed but Maine Road were easing back in and I wondered if this was the beginning of a gallant comeback?  Alas a long ball from Runcorn's rear guard banished thoughts of a home side resurgence when the frontman latched on and was brought down in a somewhat crude manner.  A penalty was given, the decision highly debatable but a minute or so later it didn't matter as the ball was squeezed beneath the keeper (unlucky) and Runcorn were two up and looking to have put the game to bed.  But this is non-league footy, formalities are rare runts and after a fine streaking run by the Runcorn winger that led to a cross and a touch that was cleared off the line what shock we all suffered when Maine Road tootled down the other end and only bloody well scored - well that wasn't scripted that's for sure.  To add insult to Runcorn's injured pride Maine Road then snatched another with a long range ball floated into the net and bringing the game into something akin to lunacy.  My initial 2 -2 prediction was on the mark, it looked set to end all square until...gasp, shock, horror (and a loosening of the bowels), Runcorn pinched one last goal via workhorse Craig Cairnes and, as it transpired, sealed victory 4 minutes before the final peep. Maine Road pushed and the linesman was informed that he was 'total wank' and the game ended with all punters in a state of disbelief - wow, what a finish!

Man of the Match for me was Runcorn's No 7 (Joseph Holt) who epitomised his teams work ethic and all round eager beaver attitude.  In truth I haven't seen a team work this hard for quite a while and they really did upset the home teams applecart with their constant mither and non-stop vigor - bloody good effort dudes.

FINAL THOUGHT - Imagine the closing credits of Benny Hill.  Take all speeded up participants and inject with a steroid and amphetamine based concoction.  Fill all persons underpants with nettles and busy anal wasps and you will get something close to envisioning the activity levels of the Runcorn Town players tonight.  For extra effect add own theme music - 'Flight of the Bumble Bee by Rimsky-Korsakov - phew.

THE LINNETS GO HOME CHIRPING

10th September 2016 - Abbey Hey 0 v 1 Runcorn Linnets - After leading a 4 hour fungal foray in Warrington I just made it to this match with a few minutes spare to chew a few yoghurt covered raisins and swill some pineapple juice - lovely.  The weather was bang on the mark and Runcorn had dragged a few fans up this end to see this early season encounter between 2 highly capable sides.

Kick off and the early bustle came and throughout the hectic mania one couldn't help feeling Runcorn always had a bigger piece of the playing cake then their opponents.  It may have been only a few crumbs more but one could just sense the slight imbalance in the initial cut.  Having said that, the first real chance came to Abbey Hey whom, after one of the players made a cutting run and was clumsily brought down just outside the box, saw them have a free kick smartly saved and the opposing committer of the crime get away with a yellow card only.  Apparently the rules have altered and the 'last man instant red card' law no longer applies.  A few more chances came both ways, more heaving and hollering ensued accompanied by the usual touchline bigotry, bent views and one-sided opinions.  The stand out workhorses during the opening period of this clean and hard fought affair was the Abbey Hey No 7 and the cute trickster for Runcorn, the No 10 (Paul Shanley).  Both handfuls in their own separate ways.  All square at the interval was justice done and I contemplated witnessing one of those rare matches that ends in a bugger all draw - ooh heck!

A browse through a fungus book, a scratch of me arse, a rest of my aching legs and...peep, peep, the referee demanded another 45 minutes of attention.

Abbey Hey came out fizzing and looking to grab the game by the short and curlies.  A shot was cleared off the line after the goalkeeper just took enough oomph off the ball and another quick shot just flew wide.  The no-goal scenario was looking odds on until up stepped the Captain for Abbey Hey and a weak push of the ball that led to The Linnets gaining posession and hitting home the opening goal.  One error, one punishing occurrence - would that be the difference come 90 minutes?  From here Runcorn started to turn a tight screw and with the fans sensing another net rippler their oral input rose.  The Abbey Hey No 3 got booked for dissent, a few players looked frustrated and the away team pushed on.  Next moment a shout for a penalty looked convincing enough, that is until the lines-man ruled for offside whereupon he was duly labelled the definitive 'stupid twat'.  Ooh its a tough life waving a flag.  Numerous dubious decisions followed, Abbey Hey fought back well and 2 strikes brought 2 vital saves from the away teams No 1 which, in all honesty, saved the feathers on the arse of the Linnets rear.  An equaliser couldn't be ruled out but Runcorn are no mugs and saw this one out to sneak a win they will be glad to get.  I must give the Man of the Match to Runcorn's Goalie (Tom Hunt), when required he did what he should do and that is all one can expect.

FINAL THOUGHT - Like the buttocks of Fatima Whitbread this match is best described as tough and tight.  Both halves were balanced well with plenty of meat on show but it was one faux pas that decided the end result and that my dear non-league pervert, is how the knicker elastic sometimes twangs!  I tipped Runcorn to win the league prior to the season, they are now on a roll - be warned.  Abbey Hey had several good players on the pitch today and are a team I will check out several times more before the close of the season.

THE UNEXPLAINED

8th September 2016 - Cheadle Town 1 v 2 Sandbach Utd - Cheadle Town are the side I go watching the most due to them being local and convenient.  They are the side that frustrate me the most too, as many times in a season they seem to have the upper hand in a match, work their knackers off like fervent ants on acid and yet somehow conjure up a defeat from the most unlikeliest of circumstances - by heck they are almost masters of the art.  

I was dropped off at the match tonight with my mate Tim, whom had no mid-week Man City match and decided to join me for some 'proper' football and not the affected version those overpaid tossers play at the top of the pyramid (good lad).  He knows his footy onions at all levels though and over the years has done more than his bit for the lower end game so I can't moan about his Mancunian obsession (but I still do ha, ha).  We got a beer apiece, took up our positions in the stands and awaited the first half whilst chatting about a variety of subjects as per - Planet of the Apes, politics, streaking, butterflies, travelling, Peter 'burnt out at 21' Barnes and such bollocks.  Nowt wrong with a natter.

The match got underway on the dot and after the initial settling in period Sandbach gradually gained the upper boot with their attempts to play football on the deck and cultivate particular openings.  Cheadle harried and hustled and just lacked a quality touch and an all round calmness much to the irritation of the yelling gaffer (poor bugger must be on more nerve pills than Salman Rushdie was in the 80's).  Gradually though Cheadles work began to pay off and they took the game to the away team and seemed ready to create a definite chance - that is of course until they went 1 down on the 41st minute after a predictable breakaway and one on one situation that did the business.  Now how the hell did they manage that?  It was a good finish though and was much needed in a game that was becoming something of a stalemate.  The final minutes were undramatic and a lot of head scratching by the home fans was had.

Tea, chinwagging and a leak - tis a hard life.

Segment 2 struck off and no sooner had the half-time talk sunk into the noggins of the Cheadle boys than they went two down after the goalie parried an undefendable cross only to land conveniently for the nut of an extra attacker to cutely squeeze home.  Two down, the fight was on.  As is the case Cheadle dig deep, they have a good spirit when their backs are against the vandalised wall and the game was upped and swayed ever so slightly.  Sandbach did get the ball in the net twice more but both goals were disallowed and the game developed a pattern that saw the majority of play take place in the leading sides half.  Sandbach slowly dropped deeper and built a rod for their own backs and after a kerfuffle in the box and an 89th minute goal was dragged back one did wonder if the Harry Houdini's of Division One would get out of another tight spot.  Alas the time ticked by and the referee was in no mood to extend the game and as the whistle blew it was a case of too little too late.

A good game, Sandbach are a tidy team and if injected with a bit of pace when counter-attacking will be a real force to not take lightly.  Man of the Match - well, for sheer control, an eye for spreading the play and one or two determined runs I reckon the No 6 (Tommy Watkin) for Sandbach deserves the nod.

FINAL THOUGHT - How Cheadle lose some of their games is most probably more difficult to explain than the sex life of The Abominable Snowman, although I have heard the creature from the frozen wastes does get lucky sometimes.  I think Cheadle will be OK though, a good hard-slogging side who get stuck in and grind out many decent results.  As for Sandbach, well they are still a commodity unknown in some respects but on this evidence look more than capable at this level.  I shall have to pay them a visit (any excuse)!

GOING WEST

6th September 2016 - West Didsbury and Chorlton 4 v 1 Runcorn Town - A wonderful balmy night for watching footy and after the routine cup of tea was purchased I relaxed at pitch side and watched the player's warm-up and go through the usual motions prior to the kick-off.

7.45pm came, the two teams set about the task ahead and during the opening session both parties beavered away like insects on amphetamines but produced little in the way of composure.  A few Runcorn players seemed immediately on a downer (which never helps the cause) and let minor frustrations get the better of them, with a couple of silly tantrums doing little for morale.  The WD crew were fizzing away and only after the opening goal did they truly settle although this was a night of fast, edgy play and one that desperately needed the odd settled touch, just like the left back for the home side provided, cool and collected stuff and never over-elaborate.  The first goal was followed up by a sugary strike that glided with power into the Runcorn net and from here on in West Didsbury had the upper hand until the half time whistle blew.  Talking of whistles...

My own whistle was wetted, a slurp and a scribble was had and I awaited the second half believing the match was closer than the 2-0 scoreline suggested.

The referee rattled his oral pea (sexy sod), the second half was underway and Runcorn came out with greater industry and attempted to grab the game by the gonads and squeeze out something approaching a positive result.  The temperaments flared, composure was a rare commodity and after all the bluster the away side created it was a travesty that they conceded another goal, albeit a mis-hit trickler that wormed into the bottom corner of the awaiting net.  Ah Mother Injustice thy be a cruel old mare!  Next highlight, and quote of the match came from the Runcorn No 2, whom, after seeing his side go 3-0 down and whilst waiting for the ball to be retrieved for a throw-in said to me 'Fuck, I am sick of this, I'm 34 you know, I reckon I'll become a goalie' ha, ha.  Best not mate, even though your side lost you had a decent game and worked up a good sweat.  Just enjoy and try your best dude.  Runcorn did pull a goal back (the best of the night) and well deserved it was both for the team and the player Craig Cairns who should be proud of the effort thrown in.  Alas though, the game was up, West Didsbury gained another notch after an undefendable cross was nutted home and the scoreline of 4-1 remained set in stone for all the home fans to gloat over. Oh nearly forgot, Man of the Match - No 3 for the home chaps, (Raymond Botchey) - as cool as the refrigerated cucumber and despite the name, a botch-free game.

FINAL THOUGHT - The scoreline was a liar tonight and the teams here are best likened to the aging bristols of Babs Windsor - at this stage they are closer together than what you think but further on down the line one will rise higher than the other and the gap in the cleavage will grow.  Having said this I reckon it will be a close call come season end but West Didsbury look well drilled and, at this point, seem to have more potential in the pap.

BLANK BULLETS (NOT QUITE)

3rd September 2016 - Alsager Town 1 v 1 Holker Old Boys - An easy trip down the M6 in somewhat grim and grimy conditions with a few toxic roadside smells adding to the lowly feel of the journey that was done in less than 1 hour.  The lasses dropped me off at the ground well before kick-off before they tootled off and indulged in a shopping excursion to Hanley.  I settled down with a cup of cha, the matchday programme and my latest book 'Aliens - Out of the Shadows' and let the chill creep in whilst I whiled away the pre-kick-off time.

The teams came out, the leaden sky leaked like a lavatory onto a verdant pitch whose thick grass looked like making things a trifle wearing on the old boiled eggs (legs).  No sooner had I assessed the line-ups then a quick goal by the home side Bullets was neatly worked that gave me a suggestion that the Old Boys of Holker needed to hang in there or face an early assault that could blow them away before the match had started proper.  Hung in they did and what came was a long bout of testing tactics with both sides acting like two octopuses who had recently fallen in love and were indulging in a lot of wary prodding and poking all to no avail.  Alsager were hefty and numbers 9, 10 and 11 were a niggling threat that seemed ready to come to fruition, the Old Boys were industrious but on the back foot so it came as a surprise when a sweet long range effort flew in and the match was all square, something the Alsager lads must have been certainly frustrated by.  The half ended and the match was in a state of exact equilibrium.

Hotdog and tea were purchased whereupon the lady serving warned me to watch that my sausage didn't fall off.  Ooh the sexy sauce and I wasted no time in responding with 'Bloody hell love I ain't that old'.  

Munch, munch, slurp, slurp and...piddle.  

Seat re-taken and the second half came and soon developed into a toilsome tussle that swung many ways with sweat pouring but no result in the last third for either team.  The toss of a coin would be easier to predict than the outcome of this one and as one side seemed to take command it was soon taken away and the opposition grabbed ascendancy.  As it transpired the match ended all square with no further goals but Alsager had the better chances but were held at bay by Holker's No1 (Ross Liddicott), my personal Man of the Match due to his grand reflexes, excellent rushing tactics, several good blocks and an all round alertness that gave his defenders an extra buffer.  Alsager's No 10 ran the choice close and is worthy of a mention due to him being a right ruddy handful throughout - one to watch methinks.

FINAL THOUGHT - On grass that was slightly shorter than the pubes of a 1970's rhythm magazine exhibitionist the two sides gave a decent account of themselves and at the season end should be up in the top half pondering the play-offs.  I wish them all the best!

DOUBLE AWAY DAY

1st September 2016 - St Helens Town 2 v 2 Prestwich Heys - Having missed a couple of matches this week due to punky and nature-based demands I was looking forward to this match at a temporary ground for the home side until their new ground is sorted.  Me and my good lady arrived at the home of Prescott Cables FC, purchased an impressive programme for the nights event and had a natter with a busy groundhopper about this, that and of course, t'other.  A cup of cha', up in the stands and the best view in the house was chosen to see these two evenly matched sides play out a fair and competitive affair.

The first half saw St Helens primarily hold the upper hand so it came as something of a shock when a blazing run from the Prestwich winger led to a cross being finished with consummate ease.  By heck that guy along the touchline didn't half shift and I for one failed to see who it was who had set his arse on fire - wow!  Undaunted the home team ploughed on and got a well deserved equaliser via the noggin of Phillip Williams on the 32nd minute.  The half was played out with both units seemingly happy to go into the break all level.  Before moving on to the second half it is important to mention a bat flew past the stands (I presume a Pipistrelle) and may be part of a roost in a tucked away niche - I hope they get looked after, grand creatures they be!

Second half and the main bulk was a stodgy, hard fought affair with both teams best likened to the cracked dentist in The Little Shop Of Horrors, a lot of prodding and poking but a failure to hit any delicate nerves was the outcome except for one moment when St Helens took the lead through a decent move that was sweetly started by a brilliant ball from the rear that left Prestwich always on the back peg and struggling to regain composure.  Dogged, rugged and frustrating would be the terms to describe the ensuing moments until the game suddenly sprang into life after Prestwich nailed an equaliser and put the scabby cat amongst the docile pigeons.  Now the away team pushed hard, tested the rear guard of the home side and for all intents and purposes won a decent penalty that the referee was only too willing to award.  Delight in one dug-out, dismay in the other - and then, unexpectedly, vice versa.  The liner ruled off-side, was duly labelled a shithouse and the match terminated in hectic fashion and with no winner declared. 

A footballing man's game with my personal Man of the Match being the No 6 for Prestwich Heys (Jacob Wood) who put in a consistently high performance and read the game well throughout.  Time and time again his crust was on the leather and when the ball was at his plates of meat he looked calm and controlled throughout.

FINAL THOUGHT - Like the testicles of an African Bull Elephant these two units were well balanced but despite throbbing with plenty of desire the end result was just a little infertile to impregnate the league with another winning result.  I think both outfits will steady things out though and should, by all the huffing and puffing, hold their own throughout the coming months.