SIX GOAL SPECIAL TREAT

13th December 2025 - Darwen AFC 3 v 3 Holker Old Boys - With the festive period approaching and the masses ignoring the plight of a planet in trouble and once again going through the usual glutton and grab commercialised routine it was necessary to use the weekend wisely.  A trip to Roddlesworth Woods was the first port of call, a fine nature area that, once again, sees people visit, walk around, let their dogs run riot whilst they actually see fuck all.  Bird numbers are crashing, they can't settle and we were now at the end of the fungal season but we did see (and more importantly, record) 64 myco-species.  The birds that were around were fed, we had a coffee and overall we had a fine walk.

From the morns pootling we went into Darwen and had another coffee and lunch in a superb community cafe.  The place was laden with good will, warmth and many a fine character.  The food was fairly priced and spot on the mark, we were reet pleased with it.  A short trip around a few shops saw no purchases (we shall not spend for the sake of it) and to the Anchor Ground we went and arrived.  

After a walk around the ground where we spied Common Field Speedwell; Groundsel and Dandelion in flower plus the fungi Auricularia auricula-judae and Bjerkandera adusta in the car park, we parked our rears, took part in an Impressionist Art Quiz and indulged in some walnuts, raisins and dates. The teams eventually came out, we settled in and I got scribbling.

Holker Old Boys got the game moving and after giving away a free-kick (which led to nowt) were soon taking one of their own.  It was a mile out from goal so when the ball was hammered high into the box by No 10 (Jamie Hodsgon), began to fall and the keeper waited, we expected nothing out of the ordinary.  Alas the mittman grabbed, let the globe slip away and into the net it fell.  A howler indeed, much to the disgust of the home fans but, for we neutrals it was a perfect start.

From this bonus bagging the HOB lads came again with No 2 (Joseph McGladdery) on the end of matters but firing straight at the keeper, who this time safely held.  Darwen punched back, No 7 (Akim Samms) gathered, played the ball out wide which was delivered to No 11 (Joshua Abbott) who hit a low, firm punt that was mere inches shy of the timber.  From here the guests flashed away, a cross came that was laden with zip, Hodgson looked to bury but mis-hit and the keeper saved.  A corner and a free-kick followed alas both lacking in any thrills of clinical execution.

The Holker unit were soon at it again and with the Darwen lads pissing about at the back they seemed mighty relieved that the shot that came at goal was off target.  Holker had a penalty shout next, much to the disgust of a nearby fan who let spill a waterfall of verbal filth (I didn't even realise that such body parts existed).  Darwen had the next sortie forth, the nimble tootsied Samms was tumbled and No 9 (Nicholas Hepple) stepped up to take the gratis booting.  The shot came, the keeper tidily tipped over and the referee gave a goal kick.  Was the man in black on day release from the local Blind Institute or was his myopic condition down to too much wrestling with the one-eyed champ - it was a ruddy shabby decision either way.

Onwards and the Samms for the hosts, who was looking tasty up front, decided to pass the ball back from a midfield position,  The accuracy of the pass was abysmal and thankfully the Holker wannabe assassin, who perhaps thoughts he was being given an early Christmas present, was denied by some cool rear work by the solid No 5 (Samuel Ogundare). Soon after the visitors won a corner which was delivered with intriguing curve and pace.  The ball cut through the pack of players, the mittman was static and the second shocker of a goal was conceded with No 6 (Callum Fawcett) claiming the honours - this now made the game very interesting indeed.

The match continued at a frantic pace with another penalty shout for HOB waved away and Darwen coming close when No 10 (Bruno De Almeida Severino) provided 9 (Hepple) who struck firmly only to be denied by a sound save.  The Anchor Men soon came again, Samms provided the apical pop at the strike zone but once more the keeper was down quicker than a pervert on a dropped copy of Ringpiece Internationale.

A few more shots came at the Darwen goal, a looper went close but as things turned out, the break came and the home team were trailing by just the 2 goals.

Some argy-bargy was happening in the corner as the teams went off, we bagged a coffee and left them to it.  I can't see the point of waving handbags about when sequins are easily removed and lost.  These things happen, I think the ground need to look at putting hormone surpressants in their coffee and if a culprit is a multiple offender than secretly feed them genital shrivelling pills - one less cock is never a bad thing, unless of course you are Elsie Orifice - the Queen of Kink in the Lancashire back woods.

Anyway, and back to it with Darwen beginning the second period with great urgency whilst the team with the 2 goal advantage looked slightly unsettled.  Abbott for the hosts put in a firm strike with the keeper reading matters and getting his carcass right behind the ball. Holker Old Boys eventually found their feet, a swift break followed with No 11 (Tom Dawson) galloping away and facing only the man between the sticks.  The shot came, it was a moment to cement the outcome but the mitter stood his ground and saved - for me this was deemed a potentially pivotal moment.

Darwen continued to work with good impetus and more direction and were soon cultivating a neat move that saw De Almeida Severino collect and have work to do. Some deft weaving, a small sighting of goal had and boom, 1 - 2 was the scoreline and the game was back on.  The guests were now looking a trifle edgy, No 5 (Luke Mitchell) nutted back to his keeper with the Abbott nipping in and snaffling the ball.  Luckily for the HOB squad their goal evaded further penetration, unlike the aforementioned privates of Ms Orifice.  Again the Anchormen came, No 2 (Pawel Zuk), to De Almeida Severino who in turn provided No 12 (Nathan Bond).  The shot came, the keeper did well to push behind for a corner.  The ball from the angle was hoofed in, No 4 (Charlie Lloyd) made cranial contact but couldn't keep his effort below the woodwork.

Dawson had a pop for Holker next, again the No 1 (Morgan Newns) did well.  Abbott sent a sizzler back in return but once more too much elevation was had.  We entered the last 20 minutes with the end result far from set in stone.  The travellers did have a chance to seal when some persistent pressure saw McGladdery have a chance to bury but the outcome was a quite shocking miss.  The ball went straight up the other end, Abbott gathered and punished the recent misfire with a cool finish that brought great joy to the home fans and really made this game a 'anyone's guess' situation.

We were set for a grandstand lottery-laden finish, it all became rather frantic.  The final dribblings came, suddenly the HOB lads summoned a push with a good delivery falling to the feet of a substitute who looked a bang-on certianty to grab the winner.  The goal was there to bag, the touch came - the outcome another big miss.  By crikey lad.

Into added time we raced, a midfield tussle saw Darwen's De Almeida Severino eventually have the composure and vision to feed Bond who was away and just needed to guide the ball past the keeper.  The perspired brow was kept cool, the sights set and kaboom, the goal was had and somehow Darwen had turned this game around (remember the save at 0-2 the keeper made, crucial man, crucial).  This looked to be it, all eyes were on the referee and the Darwen contingency were already celebrating when...Holker Old Boys came, a high ball into the box was delivered with semi-hope when up popped Bond, made contact with the bonce and levelled the game at 3 - 3.  What a game indeed and a nearby HOB official was delighted to say the least.  The referee halted matters seconds later, this had been a minor gem and I thought the final result was totally fair.  Many a good stint was seen but, again my vote for Man of the Match goes to the Holker Old Boys No 5 (Luke Mitchell) who really is a composed, focused footballing defender who reads the game well, avoids any nonsense and does what needs doing when required - a quality player if ever I saw one.

Homeward we went in the darkened night, we were a trifle perished but warmed by a good game of footy.  The key is getting out and visiting these fine grounds and encouraging others to do the same - this had been another pleasure.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Two teams, nicely balanced, played at a footballing venue that is worthy of anyone's time.  Holker Old Boys are a steady crew and just need an extra 10% to become the finished package.  The key today was a few missed chances that would have surely nailed the game and dealt a real body blow to the opposing ranks.  They were gifted a couple of goals and on that they should have capitalised but I am sure if they would have been offered a point pre-match they would have taken it.  They are no mugs though and must have been a trifle peeved at blowing a goal lead but happy to have bagged a point - talk about mixed emotions.  AFC Darwen are a good unit and even though they got dealt a double-whammy early on they played with resolute focus, discipline and good energy to get back into this, scrape a lead and then to throw it away.  Again, relief and disappointment where tossed together in a cocktail of stressful, emotive lunacy.  This lot will be alright though and will be certainly pushing the top teams to the limit.  There is an abundance of quality in the ranks, a subtle fluidity and of course, great potential to go on a surging run.  I hope to catch both teams again mighty soon but the diary is always rammed and I go with a very meandering flow.  When you attend a game such as this though it reminds one to keep space available each and every week for that Non-League fix.

SHAKIN' UP THE BLUES

24th November 2025 - Maine Road FC 2 v 4 Bury FC - Today I had had a soaking whilst indulging in a 14 mile cycle.  I got mucky looking for fungi, birds and any other wild wonder and I had a bad head due to a neck strain, a blocked lug and some sinus shittery that is getting on my tits.  I arrived home and had a call from the doctors, my blood sugars had risen and so a strict diet was pending.  I was fed up and tetchy but was glad I hadn't stocked up on Texan Bars, Funny Faces Lollies and Rainbow Sex Sherbert - what a waste of money that would have been.  After a bath, some grub  and a chill I was contemplating the weeks ahead eating greens, low-fat produce and going for a graze in the local cow field.  This growing old lark is a poxy diddle, long gone are the days of sherry-swilling blow-outs, drawing on a tab, sniffing glue, gluttoning to buggery and lazing away.  Now every step has to be taken with care - 'ooh only one sugar in my coffee please', 'sorry I don't drink or smoke', 'just Bostik Glue from now on thank you'.  Mind you it could be worse - a local guy near me has developed a u-bend in his todger from over-meddling, has piles the size of globe artichokes and wears double-glazed pebble glasses just to find where he lives.  Ah yes - life begins at....ooh the fuckin liars.

Anyway, my good lady dropped me at the ground tonight, I took my place next to my mate John D and we had a catch up.  John has finally packed up with his Prosthetic Limb Agency and is now looking at growing Porn Corn - a new plant-based substance that is laden with hormones and aphrodisiacs.  The only side effect is your genitals turning yellow and an increase in the chance of being bummed by the Jolly Green Giant.  My diabetes diet now seems a great deal more sinister.  And to the game...

...onto the softly dew-kissed baize the teams strode, both looking rather small in stature, maybe an optical illusion caused by the wintry climate and my rather off-kilter noggin.  The early strainings saw the hosts hold their own and give inkling of a situation deemed 'promising' by those of a more optimistic bent.  Alas for the hosts Bury were soon charging forward with the blurring shanks of No 3 (J. Webbe) hurtling away and sending forth a pop at the meshing.  The ball was saved, the defending that followed was slacker than a politicians jaw and up popped No 11 (Tyler James) to bag the first strike of the night.

From this drastically bad start Maine Road were immediately put under the freshly branded cosh again with a corner won and delivered and No 4 (F. Gaulton) rising like a sexed up fruitloop on a trampoline (ooh darn this head) and putting in a free header that, luckily for the hosts, had too much elevation.  The home lads responded with some perspired work but just lacked the assassins touch in the final third.

The state of play began to level out, Maine Road had a chance to bag an equaliser when a bad defensive ball landed at the feet of No 9 (Jack Coop).  Time was taken to pick a pass, No 11 (Gold Badmuss) was found and after one look a shot was executed but, the ball failed to stay on target and so Bury breathed a sigh of relief.  From here the guests put in a stern effort, Webbe led the next charge with a sweet weaving run.  The ball was posted, confusion arose, eventually No 9 (Patrick Johnrose) had a pop on the turn and sent the globe wide.  Another nifty move for Bury soon followed, Johnrose was the end component but his dig also flew wide - Maine Road were now living on the edge.

As things looked to be getting more perilous for the hosts an attack was had with Coop putting in a deft touch allowing No 7 (Jeremie Pedro) to nip in and pull the trigger.  The guest No 5 (J. Gregory) stood firm and blocked, the loose ball was fizzed across goal and went dead.  A free-kick for the Blues soon followed.  A quick passage of play, Badmuss provided service to Coop whose fair crack just couldn't stay on target.  Bury punched back, Webbe delivered, No 7 (Gerry McCullion) produced an audacious overhead that saw good contact made but the ball fly over the timber.

From here The Shakers pushed, Road No 6 (Ben Mooney) was guilty of an error and the ball was pilfered and poked forth.  Mcullion had the keeper to beat and beat him he did - 0 - 2 - and well deserved.

Maine Road were clinging on now, a few free-kicks and corners came their way and they resisted further penetration.  They did indeed win a corner, it was hit with good curve and pace, the guest No 1 (R. Saunders) did well to stop it from sneaking in under the crossbar.  Soon after a Bury mistake was left unpunished and then a response saw Webbe put one on a plate for James who recklessly blazed over.

A few more huffs, puffs and not so close shaves and the break was upon us, the scoreline did indeed reflect matters and was perhaps a hint of more things to come.  I stayed put for the break and had my last Yoghurt Bar for a while and a swill of some warming ginger.  Fungalpunk may be Fungalmonk anytime soon - bless you my child.

Half two, Bury wasted no time in blasting forth via the impressive Tyler who won a corner for his troubles. In the ball went, the keeper failed to collect, Johnrose had a shot which was deflected over and the next angled hoof was survived.  The hosts looked to build from the back, a pass was made to the keeper, the first touch was shabby and the predator that is Johnrose scented a chance, nipped in, pilfered and tapped the ball home to kill the game stone dead.  A cruel blow indeed but if you dangle your conkers too many times you are sure to pay a heavy price and become one nut-short.

Maine Road now tried to summon some ray of hope with No 3 (Connor Clark) having a fair chance after a jigging run but failing to find the all important onion bag.  Bury were reactivated once more, a ball was held up with authority, touched off to James who let fly a venomous sizzler that bulged the netting and rounded off a quite rewarding session of play.  A fine goal that lad, a real humdinger.

From here the game fizzled out for a lengthy period with subs aplenty, a few injury breaks and no real high end action.  Due to this lack of thrill I was made more aware of the first tendrils of cold creeping up the trouser leg in the hope of numbing the nethers.  Thank goodness for my double-layered Frank Bough Thermals - they were slightly bald at the front but were still doing the business.

Into the arse end of the affair we went, it seemed goals were now a far away prospect with the closest we came being a shot from Road's Sub that was firm enough but tidily saved and a return hoof from the Shaker's that struck a bonce at the back of the goal.  A stunning move by the visitors came next, the flank was blazed, tackles rode and a cross posted but the wannabe killer could only connect and send the ball into the heavens.

I was ready to put the pen and paper down when Maine Road won a free-kick.  The postal service was decent, a nut across goal came, a moment of havoc and a spare man for the Blues, namely  No 3 (Jake Pogson) fired home.  This was a shocker and all too late but the home lads had their peckers up (ooh on such a cold night too) and a long ball saw all heads missed, and the substitute collect and rifle in a good punt that the mittman turned behind for a corner.  The booting from the angle came, a smattering of uncertainty invaded the box and up popped super-sub Jamie Schofield to touch home.  2 - 4 - and the goal average was upped but any thoughts of a comeback were derailed as the referee blew for full time a few seconds later.

I wasted no time in getting back to the car, I was a trifle tired and my good lady had brought me some toast - wholemeal bread tha' knows and cholesterol lowering butter - thankfully I grabbed a handful of grass from the pitch and added that as an extra treat - Non-League calories - only the best.  Man of the Match, I nearly forgot - I reckon it is mighty fair in giving it to Bury Town's No 7 (Tyler James) - swift, strong and with an awareness of what is going on around him. with 2 goals bagged as a bonus - nah tha' can't fault that.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Well, there ain't a lot to add here.  Bury FC were expected to win and win they did.  At times they were quick and slick and opened up the Maine Road team like a fishmonger filleting a Haddock.  One or two players really caught the eye and there was a good understanding throughout the ranks that made this a quite efficient and well-oiled performance.  The late goals they let in can be a reminder that concentration must last the full game but other than that, roll on Bury and keep doing what ya do.  Maine Road are on a bad run, this game was a free-hit though and I reckon they are better off out of all cups so they can concentrate on their precarious league position.  Their next 6 games will answer some serious questions with the one against Garstang a must-win match I reckon.  All teams hit a bad patch but without any attention they can become a contagion and a serious rot can set in.  Come the other side of Christmas we will see if the Maine Road timbers are shaking or the season has turned around - I like a bit of DIY Rot and Roll, I do hope The Blues avoiding the decay process.

A NORTH WEST ODDMENT

25th October 2025 - Ashville FC 2 v 1 Alsager Town  - Zipping here and there and chasing our own tails had been the order of the day of late and so we looked to have a chilled day with no mither.  A walk at Dibbinsdale NR started later than expected due to the weather playing silly buggers and forcing us to take refuge in a cafe until it cleared (any excuse). We had some good grub and watched the clouds peel away and then we had a mooch which was nice and peaceful and turned up 105 different species.  We added a few extra things as well before time caught up with us and we had to head to the planned footy.  20 minutes later we were greeted in the car park by a fine local chap who does more than his share.  After paying our way in a brew was bagged and a chosen viewing point had.  The sun was out and so rather than take a pew, we decided to keep the legs stretched and soak up the bare basics of a watery solar orb.

The teams eventually took to centre stage where the nip in the air was more than a little spiteful.  We opened todays hoofing account with Alsager starting the game, holding on to possession and patiently passing around to get a good feel of matters.  This was all well and good but it seemed to take an age before any real progress was made.  The corner that was eventually won was blighted by the rising wafts and the hosts easily cleared.  Ashville slowly worked themselves into the game, their first progression forth came via their No 2 (Connor Rowland) who dashed with purpose and won a kick from the corner.  The ball was delivered, the Alsager No 6 (Thomas Boyd) rose and killed all threat and from here, up front action was minimal.

As both teams played with a certain hesitancy and overly cautious methodology Ashville's No 7 (Thomas Davies) tried to inject some thrills with a powerful darting surge and shot that the guest keeper did well to turn over the bar.  The corner that followed was dross - thankfully a nearby feeding Kestrel kept me entertained whilst another corner was delivered in an equally awful manner.

The game rolled on beneath deceptive blue skies that gave rise to a real chill.  Another Kestrel appeared on nearby wasteland, I was almost overly distracted and nearly missed Ashville's No 9 (Joseph Dulson) pop on goal that landed right in the awaiting keeper's arms.  Ashville started to up the pressure levels from here but a shot that came was blocked, Alsager's No 9 (Alfie Carmichael) collected and flew away on a break that looked awash with potential.  The shanks pumped, tackles were rode, a cross came and No 10 (Luke Nicholls) was there to bag the opener and finally give the game some true life.

From the immediate kick-off Alsager's Carmichael committed a foul - I suspect the legs were tired after the recent run.  The ball was placed near the halfway line, No 5 (Ishmael Banks) was on it and wellied it into the box.  The ball rose, and fell, it looked as though the keeper had it covered when the globe kept on falling, falling and falling and... landed in the net.  It was a great way to retain parity, the hoofer was claiming it, a local Buzzard rode the thermals and didn't look impressed.

The time of the first period now tickled away, Ashville's Davies nearly grabbed a goal but his close in header was easily saved.  The same player was involved again soon after when an impudent touch on to Dulson saw a tumbling in the box and a penalty awarded.  Ashville were being given a Brucey Bonus (well it's better than a cuddly toy or a fondu set) and Dulson stepped up and buried the ball to send his side into the break one goal to the good - now I wouldn't have predicted that after the first 20 minutes or so.

We had a wander for a brew during the break, and of course an Arthur Bliss.  As we waltzed forth the fungus Puccinia distincta was seen growing on the leaves of a Daisy and Purple Toadflax, Herb Robert, Wild Carrot, Canadian Fleabane, Bristly Ox-Tongue, Black Nightshade, Dandelion agg, Pineappleweed and Greater Plantain were added to the bloom list which also included Soapwort.  Tis' good to have the peepers peeled.  3 Magpies, a raft of Black Headed Gulls and a Carrion Crow were also seen, it was just too cold for any Snakes (Especially the 'Trouser' sub-species) and any escapee Sausage Dogs.

Back on the touchline, Alsager started sharply and were striving to work their way back into this.  Balls into both boxes came and went, Alsager were just lacking width and not moving the ball quickly enough.  A free-kick did offer promise but the nut on goal by No 6 (Thomas Boyd) was just lacking in the all important 'oomph' factor.  From here matters became somewhat stale until a home sub was away and faced with a keeper off his line.  A quick cut in, a look and the ball was sent forth.  The goal looked to be assured when a defender popped up, cleared off the line and saved the day.  Dulson was next away, this time the guest keeper advanced and blocked with more certainty.  Another ball came at the Alsager goal, the ball went up and once more the No1 (George Byrne) did well to punch behind for a corner.  From this delivery Alsager cleared but failed to build any serious impetus.

The closing stages soon came in a game that was industrious but lacking a true spark.  Matters had rolled along and the scoreline looked set in stone.  A few more semi-threats, no real breakthroughs and that was indeed that, my pen was put away, the paper on which I scrawled left with room to spare.  Man of the Match for me was Ashville's No 5 (Ishmael Banks) - a heads down, no nonsense, 'deal with it' player who did what was needed as and when required.  The lucky lottery strike was an added gift from the footballing Gods methinks - somebody up there likes you.

We were soon back in the car trying to warm up and heading home.  Another good trip to a favourable ground was had, not the greatest match but one we were glad to support.  

FINAL THOUGHTS - A somewhat middling affair played out by two teams whom I am sure have more to offer.  I found the whole escapade today rather strange and wondered what tactics were being used throughout, what was, a veritable awkward chess match.  Alsager had a lot of possession but seemed to be always uncertain as to how to move matters forth and how to break down the opposing force.  I am sure this style of play will win the odd game but it will also cost them a few too - I was left feeling that this was a side just lacking in a couple of crucial components and some serious invention.  Ashville also left me confounded, I was contemplating a team who just seemed to lack that attacking dynamism.  For several periods they played rather deep for a home team and it did look as though a goal was a spectacle that we weren't going to witness.  Having said all this, I suspect both teams will be OK and looking at the tables they seem to be holding their own although Alsager need to watch their step and get a few more points under their belts.  Maybe this was a clash of styles, maybe next week both teams will be walloping in the goals - I hope so and hope to be seeing them both again real soon.

RAMPANT ROVERS

11th October 2025 - Pendeen Rovers 4 v 0 Penryn Athletic - And so the last game of our trip down in the depths of Cornwall.  We were having a good time and with two fine games under our belts we were happy to squeeze in a third.  The day started with a sighting of 4 Cattle Egrets (nice) before we had a nice gentle walk and clocked up a small list of birds, blooms, fungi, galls and the odd bug.  Following the stroll we found a tucked away farm shop and nabbed a coffee, some veg and a pasty each.  We headed to the ground next, it was an early kick off and we soon found our destination with the wind blowing and the fair sea in the background. We consumed the pasties in the car, they were right old belly fillers I can tell ya.  A chat with a few locals, a brew purchased, a position chosen to avoid the solar dazzle and the peepers were set for the latest footballing escapade.

The opening tusslings were awash with high energy and animation with both units obviously striving to work off the nipping tendrils of the coastal wafts.  The initial play saw Pendeen play several long balls whilst the opposing force looked to dissect on the deck.  Pendeen summoned the first attack with a long delivery finding No 3 (Doug Howard) at the back post whose header went inextricably the wrong way - darn those angular heads.  An abundance of midfield mither ensued and then from a corner, the ball went out, No 8 (Nick Barber) collected and rode 3 tackles before losing control at the very death.  

The next moment of potential excitement came when Penryn won a free-kick.  The possibility of any hair-raising action came and went in a disappointing huff and puff before the home No 9 (Jacob Paull) was allowed to have a dig at the other end with a firmly struck sizzler forcing the keeper to spill.  Thankfully for the gloved one a defender was on hand and hoofed the loose globe away.  Penryn responded, No 8 (Lewis Moyle) fed a colleague who knocked a swift ball across the face of goal with no takers arriving.  Pendeen bounced back, No 15 (Brad Andiego) was out wide, the ball was delivered and ended up at the feet of Paull who let fly and forced a fine save from the mitter.

Pendeen turned up the heat from here - No 10 (Alex Ralph) brought out another solid block from the guest keeper and Paull had another punt, this time deflected wide.  Once more the hosts came, Nick Barber releasing Andiego who put in a cross to Paull who was just denied.  Penryn were hanging on here but No 7 (Joseph Millar) nearly found some glory when he exposed a pair of dainty feet, negotiated a marker and put in a cross that just needed the merest touch.  Alas, once again, no strikers were present.  The game went one way then the other with the hosts coming close on a couple of occasions, one of which saw Ralph put a power header wide which really should have been on target.

A long ball came next, it was for the visitors with the keeper needing to leave his line and nut away.  The ball fell to the feet of the awaiting No 9 (Lewis Preston) who tried to immediately bulge the meshing of the open net. Alas for the neutral, a defender was in the way.  A few more minor scares, a few close shaves and that was the half done with the goal scoring charts all bare.  

Into the clubhouse we went, a brew was had and a quick warm-up.  There was a bite in the air, a pervasive nipper with wandering mitts of icy malevolence - I had been bare of belly of late, what a wicked climatic twist this was.

Back on the touchline we went to see the guests have an early pop at success and the hosts return the favour - there was no joy at either end.  Penryn were soon marauding forth, No 10 (Scott Rodden) was at the tip of the thrust, the shot that came and was firm enough but went disappointingly straight at the keeper. Pendeen were shaken into action from this minor scare and went on to pile up some pressure.  A couple of corners were earned, the first bearing no fruit, the second being carefully posted and finding the cranium of No 17 (Joe Davies) who nutted home with ease.  The game was desperate for this, Penryn now needed to change the gears and get motoring with purpose.

The guests tried mighty hard to force the issue but Pendeen were looking comfortable and when a long ball was there for Ralph to chase, chase he duly did, pilfered the ball from the keeper, swung the shank and doubled his side's lead.  Suddenly the game had a whole new complexion and this was looking set to be a comfortable home win.  

Penryn pressed, hustled and harried but lacked the cute killer touch and so Pendeen were allowed to work away and stay rock solid at the rear.  One of the Subs for the visiting tribe did well out wide and sent in a shot the mitter had to tip over the bar.  2 corners followed but the creativity was lacking and a stroke of luck just wouldn't manifest itself.  Pendeen were soon breaking away, Paull was seen to be battling well and after winning the ball put in a cross that Davies hit with sugar sweet style and bagged a quite choice goal.  The game was now done as a contest it seemed.

With 15 minutes left Pendeen were seen to hold all the cards with an aerial dominance and limiting their opponents to the odd long pop.  Penryn did find the onion bag from a corner but the referee had spied an infringement and no goal was given - it was just one of those days it seemed. The last ticklings saw a few close squeaks at either end and then at the very last the footballing bladder was squeezed, the last droplets of excitement were borne and a thru ball saw Ralph for the hosts expose some quality composure to make this a 4 - 0 scoreline and to flush the hopes of Penryn well and truly round the u-bend.  All done, a resounding victory on paper and Man of the Match goes to Pendeen Rovers No 17 (Joe Davies) for a commanding stint that was immovable, resolute and most highly effective, the 2 goals were icing on the cake.

From here we went to Bessy's Cove to finish the day and recorded a bit of seashore life and a Firecrest - yippee.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Well, what can I say.  The third game down south within a week and a fine way to round off matters.  A great picturesque area, a fine welcoming set-up and again, football played with admirable passion, fairness and a good amount of respect.  Both teams contributed to a decent game but the guests were just lacking any threat in the air and so were forced into playing on the turf which brought a certain limitation to their options.  They worked well, kept the heads down but this was just never going to be their day.  They have enough nippy players though to make them a competitive unit throughout the campaign.  Pendeen Rovers looked good today, very tight and well-organised with the full area of the park used and many a player putting in a quality shift to make sure, after a goalless first half, they got the goals they deserved.  Defensively they look mighty secure, surely this must put them in with a chance of a few honours come season end?  Come what may, I shall be checking on progress and seeing that we are already booked for another trip down this end of the country next year, we may well be back.

WEN MOUTHS FALL IN DESPAIR

10th October 2025 - Wendron United 1 v 0 Falmouth Town reserves - By heck we were being busy on our hols.  Up at the crack every day, walking and wildlife recording, visiting cafes and shops and seeing all manner of natural gems.  Today we opted for a change in attack, first port of call was a game of pitch and putt on a 12 hole course of all par threes. In truth, I expected a disaster with balls lost, clubs snapped, ponds and bunkers visited and the odd bruise from a stray ball.  We did OK - I ended up with a birdie, a par and my missus bagged a par too.  My fine daughter did well but was too aggressive on the putting - I blame all the dancing, too much energy that tinker. A cafe break was had and then a round of crazy golf was a joy, a couple of holes in one were choice and a few expletives used in the most appealing manner.  From here I was dropped off at Hayle Estuary whilst my lasses did a bit of shopping.  I took it easy and saw some nice birds - close-ups of Curlew Sandpiper, Greenshank and Dunlin being especially nice.  A meet-up and to Tehidy Country Park we went for a long stroll, some fungi recording and of course, another cafe visit.  A long stroll we had, the legs were knackered and the bellies rumbled.  Nourishment was soon found, and then we sought the footy. 

The ground of Wendron is known as The Underlane, I think 'Under The Radar' would be a better tag, by crikey it was a tucked away spot.  After the odd wrong turn we managed to find a long darkened thoroughfare along which we hesitantly travelled and there, in the midst of nowhere, was a fine Non-League set up to behold.  We wrapped up as a chill was nipping at the nethers, entered, paid our dues, and picked an appropriate viewing point.  This looked to be a well-thought out affair although the pillars in front of the seating area were a niggle and duly avoided.  I like to see everything that goes on, we adopted a perch where the buttocks were placed against a ledge and the shanks could still be stretched - splendid. 

A decent turn-out was had, I am sure by many locals who have good navigational skills, and the game promptly started on the dot of 7.45pm.  The first action came mere minutes after the globe got rolling.  The home keeper received, his attempt at a clearance was blocked, No 7 (Kian Thomas) for the guests found himself with an open goal awaiting a kiss of the globe.  It was all too much for the wannabe assassin and the target was missed - by Jove sir that was a chance gone! 

The response was quick, some good work by No 11 (Josh Wood) resulted in a foul and a free-kick into the meat of the wall.  No 2 (Ollie Tomlinson) grabbed the loose ball out wide, in and out the globe went with a shot deflected wide for a corner.  Ball in, keeper safe - no breakthrough had.  Soon after Wood received a cross ball, took one touch and had a pop - the ball flew over the horizontal! This was all promising stuff for the hosts but Falmouth were not laying back to take a beating and duly counterpunched with No 8 (Ryan Townson) leading the way. Alas a corner was won, the threat dissipated and we continued with no penetration had. 

Despite no goals this was a perfectly balanced game with the defending ranks at both ends doing enough to snuff out any real peril. Falmouth started to work up a real bubbling lather, their pressing was admirable and the energy levels impressive.  Despite this the hosts won the next corner with the sphere going into the box, back out and being returned via a crisp volley by the well-balanced Thomas.  The strike was worthy of a goal but the ball went into the awaiting keepers arms. 

Falmouth won two corners in return, Wendron were secure at the back and looked like seeing the half out without any bulging of their net.  Before the break the Falmouth No 9 (Evan Tresider) flashed a shot forth that the mitter held onto at the second attempt and then from a Wendron corner the ball came back out of the box, No 3 (Rio Pledger) reposted, Thomas touched on but again, the defender with the gloves grabbed and denied.  A few more efforts were had at either end, this match reporter had little more to add. 

We stayed put for the break, a Cockchafer was seen whizzing about, a nip was pervading the privates, I just hope the said coleopteron didn't follow suit.  It had been rather clement of late, I had been seen gracing the cliffs of The Lizard with ye olde belly out, surely Jack Frost was not ready to object? 

Half two of an intriguing encounter - it was a brisk start with both teams at it like Turkey-Assed bastards loaded on whizz.  Wendron cultivated a nice counter to some approaching danger with Thomas at the apex who was hassled by the guest No 2 (Levi Hilling) that allowed the keeper to douse the rising flames of hope.  After some toing and froing Thomas was almost in again but that trigger was left unpulled and the chance went begging.  No 10 (Billy Stone) for the hosts had a gratis dig next when the ball was sent around the wall and flew inches wide - surely a goal was going to grace this game mighty soon. 

The visiting No 10 (Aaron Hicks) nearly confirmed my thoughts when he sent forth a rangy pop that just failed to lose its elevated trajectory and flew over the bar.  From here though the Falmouth No 3 (Will Harding) flew forth, entered the box and was unceremoniously tumbled.  A penalty looked to be the outcome, the referee had other ideas and awarded a free-kick outside the box.  Crikey, as a neutral even I could see that this was a serious error.  To be fair the Falmouth lads did well to not blow a fuse and duly got on with matters in applaudable style.  The free kick was taken by No 5 (Reece Carroll) the horizontal timber was grazed and the ball went dead. 

Falmouth came on but too many high balls went forth and Wendron looked totally cool when dealing with these airborne advances.  As we entered the unsettling realms of Desperation Street and penalties loomed in the near distance both teams looked to snatch a winner.  Wendron came close but Falmouth's Harding was a cranial saviour and as we entered the final chucks Falmouth looked to push but the move was quelled by the resident Number 4 (Max Roberts) who was happy to take a card and give away a free-kick.  The bonus booting was shit and Wendron came on, won a corner from which followed a cracking dig at goal that the keeper did well to save.  I missed the striker's number, darn these non-nocturnal peepers. 

And to the dregs we went, a home long ball was played, Ryan Reeve was on the end of it. There was a chance for all-consuming glory and this duly came as the ball was struck and the meshing was bulged - an unquestionable winning goal it seemed and kick up the Khyber for a team who didn't deserve this.  A few final huffs and puffs and the referee blew for full time - it goes without saying that football can be a cruel game at times.  This, despite only one goal, had been a good cup tie with some strong performances.  For me though Wendron United's No 5 (Russell May) was absolutely outstanding both in the air and on the deck.  The main winning aspect of the stint tonight though was the communication level and the encouragement given throughout - a real captain's role and just desserts had at the end.  Cracking stuff and we wasted no time in getting back to the caravan and getting the noggins down - it was another early start in the morn - rock pooling, birding and shrooms tha' knows - oh, and another Non-League fix. 

FINAL THOUGHTS - And once again, a highly competitive game darn sarf played with a high level of industry, good sportsmanship and with a certain honesty. This game could have gone either way but I think the hosts just deserved it and the defending was watertight.  Falmouth played too many high balls into the danger area and just didn't have the aerial threat to capitalise on these - maybe a lofty player up front as an option may help.  They should have had a penalty though, that could have been a game changer but this is the joy of footy at this level - 'ifs', 'buts' and 'maybes' - it adds to the intrigue.  Wendron look a very capable unit, with options aplenty and some very steady players in their ranks.  I am clueless as to what the cup holds and their potential but I do wish them well and once again, if I am in the area, I will be tempted to pay a return visit (after some wildlife recording of course). 

REPLAY REBOUND

4th October 2025 - Helston Athletic 4 v 1 Stoke Gabriel and Torbay Police - We were in Cornwall on a late break.  The year had been hectic and so, during a season when I am usually leading fungi walks, we decided time was needed to have a break.  We arrived in a genital-blasting hoolie that nearly blew over our caravan during a unsettling stormy night. We survived, my conkers remained attached and we set out for a morn around the shops (and cafe) of Helston with a wildlife pootle around Coronation Park and down the Penrose Trail greatly enjoyed.  It was a fair walk although a chat with a guy who professed to wanting to kill a copper was somewhat overly colourful. Some choice fungi were seen, a few insects, blooms, birds, galls and other oddments were added too. Time though raced on, we were soon back at the car and, after a very short drive, at Kellaway Park, the ground of Helston Athletic FC.

The set up was sound, the obligatory coffees bagged and seats chosen for what was a cup replay after the away team had been punished for fielding a few ineligible players (so I was informed by a touchline home fan).  We all made pre-match predictions (which were all proven to be wrong) and the match unfolded as thus:-

The initial play was fairly balanced at both ends of the pitch with much promise displayed.  The robust breeze that was blowing through though was looking to be the predominant player in an opening sequence that was making matters difficult to predict.  Helston were passing well but just failing to squeeze the trigger quickly and slightly guilty of not working hard enough off the ball.  The home No 19 (Jude Tripconey) though was a lively component and eventually earned his side a gratis hoofing.  No 10 (Finn Costa) took the honours, played it short to No 7 (Olly Redd) who touched on to No 12 (Matt Searle) whose finalising shot had too much uplift.  From this fair move the ball was booted goalward by the home No 16 (Jake Warman) who saw the visiting mitter (Jimmy Weeks) off his line and duly chanced his shank.  The keeper backpedalled and pushed the ball onto the upright to save his side's exposed arses.  Phew, that was a close bloomer for sure.

Helston continued to make most of the play with a throw in coming that landed at the feet of the forward thinking No 9 (Liam Eddy) who turned and let fly a low shot that the keeper smothered with unflustered ease.  The guests continued to look for scraps and eventually grew into the game proper.  Eddy though had another pop soon after but the keeper collected with no fuss once again.  From nowhere though the guests reacted.  No 12 (Billy Spurway) had a good dig at goal and forced the home No 1 (Morgan Jones) into producing a quite choice save and then, within the shake of a sausage dog's todger, some shabby defending allowed Aldus to crack one off and force the keeper into pull off another solid block.  A corner ensued, it was posted with good pace and accuracy but the keeper was there to palm away.

The pressure on the home goal led to a couple of breaks that were laden with potential but which lacked the all crucial coup de grace, I felt as though the opening goal was getting close though and girded my loins for a real net buster (oh we of warped faith).  No 11 (Phil Cattran) for the home lads tried to break the deadlock from range but the shot had more uplift than the wired up brazzies of Dolly Parton.  At the other end Spurway beat a couple of players, entered the box of promise but was just unable to negotiate a further bod.  Aldus had a grass-grazing shot that went wide next and then Helston pounced.  Much probing was done. Eddy eventually gathered, played a sumptuous pass to Cattran who only had the gloved one to beat.  This man between the uprights was duped, the ball sent home and the lead was bagged.  Nifty work!

The game galloped forth, Stoke pressed, No 2 (Sam Bishop) let fly a right old sizzler that was inches over and then Helston advanced via Redd who had time to strike but was beaten to the boomer by Eddy who neatly doubled his side's lead.  From the restart Stoke jumped out of the blocks, Aldus was at the apex of a swift move and released a low firm effort that found the back of the net.  A strange silence was borne, the ground became a graveyard of eerie sound absence - we three onlookers looked at one another and were in a unified 'WTF' moment - how odd, but great for the game it was.

From here little else occurred and into the break we went.  The sun came back out, the match held plenty of intrigue and a fine award was had by one B. Dunston for 50 years of footballing service.  Great stuff and applause all round.  To cap a wonderful interval we just needed to win the 50/50 draw but, it seems like the chairman's lovechild was in luck again with his 17^th win on the bounce.  I remained without suspicion!

A free-kick was earned by the guests at the start of period 2, the keeper was unruffled and dealt with it.  At the other end Cattran took too long in striking the ball, Eddy was quicker and had a shot that was tidily touched over.  The resultant corner was hit too long.  A few semi-chances came, the stickmen stood firm.  There came a lapse in fluidity and hot-assed action although I felt a fart building and considered blowing one off in the liner's mush.  Alas I am not a public flatulator, it goes against the laws of observed decency he says (whilst steaming up his monocle).

A few shots and a free-kick threatened to curry the spices and this was the case when the visitors lost the ball and Eddy got his noggin down and had only one thing on his mind (well two if you count the post match bowl of savoury testes).  The goal was sighted, the ball boshed, 3 - 1 it now was and the goal was well taken for sure. Things were looking hunky-dory for the hosts and so a sub was made, a local favourite it seemed.  The player was coming back after a long injury and no sooner had he entered the fray he indulged in a 50/50 ball and after some prolonged treatment was stretchered off.  All the best for a quick recovery lad.

The game continued, Heston's Eddy tried to bag another but the danger was quelled by an alert defender and then Stoke flashed forth with a cross ensuing and a downward header executed and looking destined for a goal but stopped by the eye-catching mittman.  From here the away pack applied some heavy pressure thus forcing the resident squad to dig deep.  Alas no comeback was to be and this scenario was cemented when Helston's No 14 (George Marris) beat 3 players, delivered a cross that saw the globe ping about and go loose.  Searle collected from the opposing flank, put in what looked like a cross ball that metamorphed into a shot and brought the scoreline to 4 goals to 1. A prayer of thanks perhaps to the Greek God Boreas and his assisting wind methinks (now that's flatulence).

The game tickled on, no further thrills seemed likely and I found time to empty the throbbing plumbing system.  I was back on the touchline to see the guest No 7 (Saul Vanes) twat one over and that was that.  Man of the Match must go to the Helston Athletic No 1 (Morgan Jones) who made several quality laden and utterly crucial saves at the right time to make sure his side remained in matters, took charge and kept their noses in front.  I like it when a keeper gets the MOM nod, good on ya chap.  Keep then maulers safe!

We three onlookers headed off, this had been a good visit and a good game played in a sound spirit - the next time we are in Cornwall we may be back.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Overall the match was played in a very applaudable spirit that saw needless niggles, gripes and gobbing off absent (this was a real noteworthy aspect).  I think the home team won this with relative ease and hopefully will continue on a good cup run that will bring them good reward.  If the wind helps blow them in the right direction then so be it, they just need to make sure that for each and every game, after a goal, there is no lapse in concentration.  Stoke Gabriel And Torbay Police contributed to the fair play essence of this game and despite struggling with the whole affair today they remained disciplined and never lost their heads.  This was just one of those days when a team wasn't allowed to get going and I am sure they will bounce back from this setback.  I noted a few good grafters in the mix and some steady suppliers of the ball which is always the sign of a decent backbone - here's to a change in fortune soon.