16th September 2017 - Irlam FC 1 v 1 Barnoldswick Town - The weeks are passing quicker than the crap that was falling from Donald Trump's mouth, the Non-League games are creeping up faster than the Popes flies in a whore-house raid and the many tasks I take on are piling up higher than Alan Ball's voice whilst riding a seat-less unicycle...naked. I chomp on the clock though and get what I can out of each and every 24 hours and try and make them as productive as ever. My good lady took her mum shopping, I did the hoovering, dishes and sorted many moth pictures whilst my 19 year old daughter slept until 10.45am and duly chilled out (the lucky bugger). Dinner and a few other duties were attended to, a drive to the Ambitek Stadium in clogged traffic was had and me and my missus entered the ground, partook of tea and chocolate and awaited today's match. After a collection of the team sheet from the Irlam Assistant Manager, we took up our seats and had a chat to a Burnley FC scout who was watching one of his players on loan to Barnoldswick FC. A nice chap who certainly appreciated this level of football that he recognised as being the real deal - nice to hear. And to today's battle. Irlam were building an impetus, Barnoldswick are an efficient unit - you would have better luck squeezing a pimple on the arse of an Orangutan than trying to get a prediction out of me. Exposure of the teams took place, the officials joined in too and as the 25 sets of legs took up their positions all peepers were peeled and this is what was seen (in my humble and honest opinion).
A peg swung, the spherical container of air rotated and...like two kids indulging in a game of Operation both teams prodded and poked in the hope of exposing the opponents inner guts. There was very little in it, with Irlam finding themselves awarded an early corner that was fizzed in with pace and missing any rising bonses but finding a surprised toe that knocked the ball too high. The Barlicks had the first real chance though when a cutting pass dissected the defense and found their enthused No 10 (Danny Boyle). The finish was a trifle soft and easily collected by the mitter - promising. Boyle was in the mood again when he coupled up with his teammate (and in public too) No 9 (Mark Threlfall), but the threat soon mellowed out and Irlam could regroup. The home team played some neat football for a short period, all done at a steady controlled pace that always threatened to bloom into something exciting. The visitors though were always alert and kept things nipped in the bud. Barlick played higher than their opponents and nearly snuck in again when quick feet saw the ball released to No 8 (Harry Thompson) who was just thwarted at the last by a wide awake keeper. The corner saw Boyle crack a firm volley and take the upper crust of a spectators head off and within moments another angled punt came, this time won by Threlfall who was on the end of matters nodding goalward and missing by mere inches.
The tide was against the home bods and when Threlfall nodded, chased and crossed, Boyle should have executed the first strike of the day but was more than a little reckless in his finishing. A generous gift indeed for the team under the cosh. Suddenly we were up the other end and an Irlam free-kick saw the opposing netter punch clear and get clobbered. Whilst he was on the deck play went on and a long range punt flew towards his net. The underside of the bar was rattled and danger cleared, the referee was lucky the goal remained intact as blazing controversy would surely have erupted. Moments later Irlam's No 10 (Matthew Boland) was given the ball on a plate but his tidy sidefoot went wide and over. The guests responded with a ball over the top and the No 5 (Steven Mills) of Irlam surely shit himself as his head made contact and the globe flew off towards his own goal. Luckily the rotations were plentiful and the ball went for a corner. The corner came, two last gasp blocks were had to deny the opening strike and out of the mire an attack came with some sharp advanced movement allowing No 8 (Isaac Illidge) to thwack off an effort and force the keeper into making an agile, full-stretched stop. A free-kick and corner came without added luck and the game leveled out as the 45 minutes came to a close. A decent and competitive half and like the arse of Freddie Mercury - this was anyone's.
Tea and chocolate was consumed by we 2 punters and to the opposite side of the ground we tootled, to stand in the sun and alter the viewpoint.
Irlam started the second period with their tails up (something in the water methinks, pass the Bromide) and an early free-kick was hoofed in but was too high for any ascending noggins. The BT boys struck back, Boyle hustling and passing to Threlfall who ran forth and thumped home with the eye of a striker - a quick attack and 1 goal to the good. The blow for Irlam was sharpened further a man limped off and a substitution was forced - oh the cruelty of it all. Next and a wandering run from the travelling No 11 (Zack Dale) saw a low shot easily saved from which Irlam built and roamed forth with more belief. Alas the end punt from No 14 (Liam Morrison) was a warped as a well rubbed Robot's nob and the team had to try and re-focus and re-oil their gears. A corner came the other end, a dummy was executed and a brace of shots followed - no prize result but the thinking was nice. Barnoldswick were a constant menace and very hard to shake off the ball with a free-punt won due to nothing less than sheer desire and urgency. The shot that followed was bilge but the attitude was bang on the mark. The same team came again and like rats on a turd, every last scrap was battled for and was, in the main, the reason why they had their snouts in front - a noticeable hunger dictated the scoreline. No 6 (Shain Airy) had an headed effort next and as he connected with the incoming corner he was frightfully unlucky to see the ball rise high and not hit the target. Irlam needed to get to grips with this one mighty quickly.
An home team sub was had, a thrust of pressure came, the visitors stood firm. Dale for Barlick went on a fine run and crossed for a header to land in the keepers arms. The No 1 of Irlam hoofed long and the defensive error from a wayward nut nearly gave rise to a quite shocking own goal. Lady Luck is a capricious old mare at times. It was now fast action at both ends and, when a punt by Irlam saw the opposing goalkeeper challenge and get the ball clear, a shot from No 16 (Ben Gorman) came right back and on bang on target. Where on earth did the mittmans feet drop from? Straight back game Barlick, Boyle again the troublesome character and again shooting and causing the keeper concern. The save came, the threat level was still high and a follow up shot came like an arrow on fire and the No 1 did well to hold the ball and give his side due respite. Irlam came next, a streaking run that ended with a hoof over and proved the Fat Lady was far from vibrating her tonsils. Another bonus boot for the blue bods, controversially from a dubious handball shout. The box was rammed to the rafters, we were in the last seconds and all Barlick had to do was clear. Irlam's Liam Morrison, who had come off the bench, was fresh and alert and when his head made contact and the net rippled we had a scenario that saw utter celebration combined with relief on one side and utter despair and disillusion on the other. Within seconds the game was finalised and somehow this one had ended up all square. The debate raged on and I felt for the visitors but if one doesn't kill an animal when grabbed by the short and curlies the injured beast is liable to strike back at any given moment. A lesson to be learnt. Man of the Match from this competitive affair must go to Barnoldswick Town's No 11 (Zack Dale) who showed good desire, balance, quick tootsies and endless enthusiasm throughout the match and is a player who will certainly contribute to many triumphs - all the best man. We tootled off and wondered how Irlam had grabbed a point here but, as I always say, the art of never giving in is a precious one and over a long season can earn many points that could be considered lost - you just gotta keep on truckin'.
FINAL THOUGHT - I said before this game that you would have to be a complete nut or a man with no sense of shame to even have ago at predicting the outcome of many of these NWCFL matches and that proved to be the case again today. I, most foolishly, reckoned Irlam would win this 4 goals to 1, what an absolute tit I was proven to be - a tit drained of milk and man-handled by babies of ill-fortune may I add. I love the uncertainty that these teams provide and, despite my powers of prophecy being exhibited for the crap that it is, I shall go on and make two more predictions. Both these squads will finish in the higher echelons of the league and turn in a few performances that will frazzle the footballing turnips of their opponents. If either team fails to meet the heights I predict then I promise to move to Pakistan, shack up with a gay pygmy and take on the role of managing a one legged cricket team - and that's a ruddy promise. Before then though I shall do a few more reports and keep my rear on the line and enjoy some greatly appreciated underdog footy - wish me well fellow punters!
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