DAISY CUTTERS

19th September 2017 - Prestwich Heys 8 v 0 Daisy Hill - During the opening weeks of the new season I have noticed a change in my lifestyle pattern.  I seem to be forever buzzing about, flitting from place to place and hanging around with swarms of creatures exhibiting similar behaviour. I consulted a medical dictionary and found no explanatory relief so, due to my amateur naturalist ways, turned to my many tomes on the natural world.  Would you believe that the answer came via an old entomological tome written by the renowned insect expert E. R Wig. Apparently humans who take a distinct interest in Non-League football and who are already subject to a busy lifestyle are prone to metamorphing into an entirely new species, this being known as The Blue Arsed Fly (Fidgetus posterius).  So that explains it all and maybe my eagerness to examine piles of dung is nothing to do with fungal hunting after all and I am really after a quick meal before attending a much anticipated match.  Well who would of thought it?  So after resolving my issues myself and my good fellow buzzer drove to Adie Moran Park where we met up with fellow punk pirate and potential flitter STP Stu. Tea and a chinwag was merry, we wandered to our usual spot and watched the teams come out into the decent night air.  Fellow flies appeared, for once we didn't want a pile of shit but something far more substantial - the bowels of football opened and we got something like this.

It was a tepid start with both teams looking well matched.  Daisy Hill had an early cross that tempted their whirring No 7 (Adam Owens) to slide in and chance his leg.  No contact was made but the threat was there.  Both teams continued to prod and poke with The Heys having a corner then a shot that was duly tipped wide.  Confusion from the ball in brought another free in-swinger but no joy was had. At the other end a similar state of play arose with an equally deflating outcome.  We needed a team to grab the goat by the gonads which Prestwich Heys duly did with a bout of passing play ending in a final lob over the keeper that was nothing short of first class.  Rio Wilson-Heyes was the taker of the glory, get the lad a drink! The match now opened up, Daisy Hill had a crack of the whip but the odd last gasp tackle kept the scoreline clean and tidy for tonight's host team.  The Heys came, No 8 (Dominis Slavin) was in and had time to spare. Alas he spared a little too much and the shot came too late and the mittman had time to spread and get his carcass in the way.  Now the visitors pushed, a free-kick was wasted and went straight into the robust keepers arms. The keeper duly hoofed, a golden touch was had, in came Alfie Belcher, dinked once and put the ball into the awaiting goal - good golly, now that was a blow.

A quiet patch came, and again the guests pumped forth and, again their opponents came out of the blue.  No 8 (Dominic Slaven) was up against a defender and an outrushing keeper - he somehow got to the ball first in a blue of boiled eggs (legs) and with a bit of fair luck was allowed to tap the ball home and almost put this game to bed - and only 31 minutes on the clock.  Within a few more rotations of the clock arm Prestwich Heys won a corner.  It was a peach of a delivery and up rose No 5 (Mark Ayres) and nutted home with commanding authority - game done, dusted and thrown in the box of victory methinks.  No sooner had I finished my scribbles than the PH army gushed again and after a stunning run a swift cross ensued and a thump executed.  Pass me the pills of reality, Daniel White had only gone and made it 5 - 0.  It was now that the manager of Daisy Hill decided to make a touchline appearance and offer advice - crikey, talk about a late showing.  They duly reacted, they duly failed, and when a through ball came a sixth goal was the result, this time Lee Bruce being the scorer and celebrating what was nothing short of a one-way slamming.  The last two minutes were played out, the ref blew, Daisy Hill headed into the changing room with heads hung low, Prestwich Heys strode peckers held high - them goals sure are an aphrodisiac.

We three observers wandered for a cup of cha which was only soured by finding that my golden goal ticket was 2 minutes shy of the win.  To add salt to the wound the lovely lady serving the tea was within a chance of winning and duly claimed she would not share the jackpot - oh the cruel woman and may her supply of milk curdle and her oven full of pies duly shrivel - that'll teach ya.

Back to the spot and the second half commenced - I didn't expect a comeback - is that a trifle harsh?  The Heys came, a bout of ping-pong in the DH box, the visiting team was looking unsettled at the back.  A passing move was executed - 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 and...yes, you guessed it...another goal and another slap of icing on a quite sickening cake.  Max White take a bow and cut yourself a slice - you can eat it whilst you play, this is hardly a challenge.  Minutes later a fleet-footed attack was borne, I expected a goal, I was duly given the gift - Rio Wilson-Heyes who was responsible for starting the downpour full stopped matters and doubled his own tally - well taken chap, well taken.  From here a balanced period came, something appeared that bordered on the brink of a game of competitive football and, when The Hill came and a cross struck the upright, one wondered if the script had been torn up.  No sooner had one pondered an away goal then Prestwich surged and forced the keeper into making a really impressive save.  They came immediately after and another great block was had by the mittman (Jake Chadwick) who must surely have been disillusioned with the nights events.  From here his colleagues put together a few passing moves with Adam Owens running his arse off up until the bitter end.  A consolation goal would be most welcome.

The game dissolved, Heys switched off, The Hill rushed and hoped and despite several substitutions each way no nail-biting action arose.  A few wild cracks came, some were wayward, some were blocked at the death but nothing arose that gave either goalkeeper the jitters.  Hey's did have one last punt when a smooth move saw a crack from No 3 get dealt with by the guardian of the mesh and keep the score at a reasonable 8 (he says sarcastically).  The game ended, I was left to ponder a Man of the Match and went for the No 3 (Lewis Adams) of Prestwich Heys who may not have had the goal glory but who read many a situation at the back, gave his side a stability and kept a good level of concentration throughout - it all helps the team perform well.

FINAL THOUGHT -  Well that was a demolition job if ever I saw one and the last time I witnessed this many balls in a net was when I went fishing for male fish genitalia off the coast of Timbuktoo. This was a pure one way drubbing and if Daisy Hill don't get their act sorted pretty soon and the Manager doesn't invigorate his players with enthusiasm it could be a long, old season full of woe.  They did show good character tonight though and one or two bods ran their rears into the ground chasing, what was, a lost cause.  Prestwich Heys are a decent unit and after coming close to making the play-offs last year will definitely be in the mix this time next April.  I recognised a few players from other clubs tonight and, after chatting to a decent gent on the touchline who was hoping to get back in the mix after a 5 year lay off, it looks as though the team have plenty of potential to push on - the warning bells have been rung mighty hard tonight, watch yer lugs folks.