AT BLOODY LAST

11th January 2018 - Abbey Hey 5 v 3 New Mills - We are now into the second half of the season and yet here appears a game from the first half that has been on and off more times than the underpants of Kenneth Williams in a Monastery (oooh me cassocks).  The first match ended after 14 seconds of play when the floodlights went twang and we were left in darkness.  I was hoping the romantic situation may help me getting to know the lines-man better but a scuffle and a court appearance have proven that touchline love is not a thing everyone wants to indulge in.  Anyway the fixture was duly rearranged several times but fell foul of the climactic conditions we Northern gits are endlessly tormented by.  After a day of work and with the weather set fair I arrived at the ground looking forward to actually putting a line under this game and seeing what the outcome would be.  I carried with me a bag of 50p pieces in case the electric meter ran out again plus a copy of 'Marks and Sparks' - a glossy magazine about electricians called Mark (it is amazing what small markets these publications cater for).  And so to the match - the result was anyone's guess, in fact would there be a result at all or would a minor earthquake halt proceedings, would there be an alien invasion at halftime or would a flock of Giant Night Owls descend during player and carry off several team members back to their nests on the mountains of Twattolacia.  Either way, if these pills don't kick in soon this report may veer off course and end up in the Fortean Times as an example of delusional roaming, I crack on and reveal what happened on this intriguing night!

The early pace setters to this match were Abbey Hey and after a quick ball was played through, No 11 (George Noon) gained control and stayed as cool as a Jeremy Kyle guest on the lie detector and slid home to bring up the first strike on only the second minute.  In the same amount of time the home lads came again, a ball flew in from the angle and the easiest of headers was executed as Noon grabbed his own, and his team's, second goal of the night - what a start.  After a little more of the early home-bred mania the visiting squad eventually found their feet and started to knock together one or two passing sequences.  As The Millers started to push Abbey Hey broke with rapidity that led to an on the goal line tackle that saw the ball squeeze out and roll behind for a corner.  The ball came in, the ball went out, the ball came in once more.  2 goal line clearances were made and I was to left to ponder what madness was unfolding before my disbelieving peepers.  The next attack came soon after and involved a midfield pass to an overlapping runner, a low hard cross in and a simple tap home for No 10 (Daniel Heffernan).  3 - 0 to the home team, only 14 minutes on the clock, the Millers defence had sprung a leak and a pair of footballing incontinence pants needed to be hitched up pretty ruddy soon.  Abbey Hey came once more, a great free-kick was flung in and a great save was executed but a corner was given.  The ball flew into the box, a home head rose and nutted goalward but the attempt lacked power and we stayed as we were.

As things progressed The Hey had another chance denied at the last by the mitter's legs and then a weak shot that was easily hoofed clear but maintained the flow of the one way traffic.  A slack period followed, a chance for the guests to attain some parity perhaps?  Not so, the hosts shot forth on a counter break, No 8 (Sam Freakes) found himself in the clear and with the goalkeeper to beat.  The travelling No 1 (Liam Flynn) spread himself thinner than diluted margarine and made a good block to keep his team just within sniffing distance.  Abbey Hey were getting carried away by the flow and out of the promise land a rebound ball was punted and No 9 (Dennis Sherriff) for the guests semi-chipped the outrushing home keeper and notched up a strike back on the score cards.  It was a neatly taken goal and in different circumstances may have raised more than the subdued ripple donated.  What followed was a reckless period of play with the NM boys playing a shit or bust game with a high backline catching several Abbey Hey runners in the offside web.  The ref blew for halftime soon after a few half chances, I reckoned this one was far from over.

Some Vimto, a few Yoghurt Raisins and the reception of the crushing news that I hadn't won the night's raffle.  I exchanged thoughts on the game with a lovely couple of New Mills fans and the teams came back out and treated us to a few more goals.

Back and forth the ball went during the opening part of the second period with The Millers having slightly more ownership of the pinging sphere.  The visitors produced a striking break from the ping-pong patch and when a rash challenge flew in and the referee pointed to the spot one wondered if this was the start of a comeback bigger than that of Liberace at The London Palladium.  Up stepped Sherriff again and shot home as accurately as that wild west gunfighter Bat Masterson - ooh me rubber bullets.  So 3 goals to 2, game now on for sure and it was obvious to all that The Millers new found determination was having a profound effect on proceeding and throwing the end result right up in the mizzled air.  Frantic play followed, a game loaded with heavily pregnant urgency - but when would the next baby of glory drop?  As New Mills charged Abbey Hey threw a suckerpunch and when a long pass was laid off, No 9 (Peter Watling) had time to eye up his chance and fire home a tidy goal.  From the next scrappy segment Hey came again with No 7 (Jack Tinning) playing a delicious over-the-top ball to the substitute who ran out from the angle but still managed to crack a shot that duly quivered the crossbar.

The chill now grew, misted breath rose from the ardent's cakeholes, the dampened surface of the pitch was getting worn by the warriors and as a delay came due to a crook home bod I wondered if New Mills could get themselves back into this one after putting in so much vim and vigour and yet still trail by a brace.  The next player to glimpse glory was Watling of Hey who made good space to shoot but delayed the trigger pull and after being tackled only got a corner for his troubles.  The ball was cracked in, a visiting player made contact and it needed a quality reaction block on the line to spare any blushes.  A follow up crack was had millimetres out - the net was completely missed and a red face retreated hoping to go unnoticed.  A goal kick followed, the ball came straight back, Watling was in and the final nail in the coffin was struck - 5 -2.  From here one could be forgiven for predicting a New Mills collapse but a three pass move saw a final shot fly over and prove there was still some nip in the knackered dog yet.  Another chance came soon after, the Sherriff shot (not what Bob Marley expected hey) but was resisted by a comfortable save.  The corner was put in, this time the law man would not be denied and bagged his hat-trick and his sides worthy third.  In the last 5 minutes a swivel and a shot for the Hey Brigade was stopped by a still alert keeper and No 6 (Warren Gaskin) had a crack that was decent but shy of the actual target.  The referee blew soon after, it had been a ruddy funny game if you ask me with sporadic bursts of excellence amid much lunatic fringe attacking and some real disregard for organisation.  Man of the Match tonight goes to the home team's No 8 (Sam Freakes), a controlled customer amid much chaos and a player who kept his head down and tried to make the best from a manic situation - good work chap.

FINAL THOUGHT - And yes 'at bloody last' we had got this tie under our belts and witnessed a quite strange affair that saw both teams have a sort of 'tally ho and fuck it' similar to that time Princess Anne had hormonal trouble and went into the stables all hot under the collar with an attachable love device.  Like tonight the end result was akin to unpredictability and it was more than just a few nets that got rippled I can tell ye.  I enjoyed this one nonetheless but reckon both squads need to tighten their structural belts and keep certain stray gonads from popping out and giving any predatory teams a chance to molest and gain some kind of dominance.  I am sure Abbey Hey were just happy to get the win but there is still work to be done, hence their precarious position in the premiership table.  New Mills must be gutted with their performance and especially at giving away two soft goals early on.  Their league position seems to be safe enough but I wouldn't get too settled and make sure that the priority is working on those defensive duties. It may sound simple but as Alan Hansen used to say 'If you let nothing in, you don't lose the match', and if a Scotsman doesn't want to give anything away it must be right - Och aye Jimmy.