PECKED AT THE POST

6th January 2018 - Ashton Athletic 2 v 0 Padiham FC - My punk streak is all about DIY and putting back, hence these reports and why I decided to take out an advertisement in a Non-League Programme and put a few quid in the coffers.  Ashton Athletic took up the offer with Irlam also in the mix, I proposed to do 12 months in the Ashton programme and then 12 months in Irlam's and, if no others enter the fray, repeat the looping process.  I am a poor DIY doofer and wish I could help all but doing a bit here and bit there for the many things I enjoy is better than a poke in the arse with a donkey's dong (unless of course you are into that kind of thing or are looking for new alternatives to self-flagellation).  After a morn of cycling, catching up with loose ends and a good dinner me and my good lady set out, arrived, paid our dues and took up our viewpoints. This was set to be a very unpredictable encounter as both teams were of the same cut, doing decent in the league and keen to improve their standing.  At the start of play Padiham were 3 points to the good but Ashton had 5 games in hand which, along with home advantage, made them slight favourites.  I fancied a 3-2 home win, this is what happened, and proves sweet FA about my footballing powers of prediction and makes a mockery of the Nostradamus tattoo I had had scrawled across my buttocks - sometimes we all do foolish things!

The early session of the match saw no quarter given at either end with Padiham's No 8 (Christopher Anderson) the early bright spark that won a free-kick that duly led to a corner after a poor defensive header.  The ball was swung in, No 6 (Mark Ayres) provided a flick header that was cleared off the line whereupon The Ticks scrambled the ball free and tried to gain some semblance of order at the rear.  Padiham were having the better of the early stages and looking for a feeder ball on which a predatory striker could pounce and hopefully go on to draw blood.  Ashton eventually warmed to the challenge, A choice free kick from No 10 (Daniel Smith) needed the merest touch to surely strike gold but alas, all assassins were absent and the deadlock remained.  No 8 (Charlie Munro) was next to surge, he threaded the ball to No 9 (Dale Korie-Butler) who looked set to burst mesh but was thwarted at the last by a busy back bod.  One felt that if Ashton did a bit more running off the ball and offered wider options the chances that were coming would have much more potential - 'tis easy to say from the sidelines though, a different matter when in the midst of the kerfuffle.  Moments later the always controlled but effective No 2 (Jacob Jones) broke down the flank, put in a cross and found the nugget of Smith who made contact but saw the ball fall agonisingly at the wrong side of the upright! Padiham responded and won a corner.  The ball went in, was knocked clear but No 4 (Benjamin Hositin) of the guests was casual and produced a picture perfect volley that struck the post.  It was a sweet strike, it really deserved to end in a goal, sometimes luck can be tougher than the skin on Judith Chalmer's arse.  No 7 (Joshua Nicholson) came next for the double A's and exhibited a lovely run and sugar sweet cross.  Smith was just denied.

Next animation came via No 7 (Dominic Craig) of the visitors who marauded forth with purposeful intent.  Ashton backed off, a pass came and luckily for the home lads the shot that came was weaker than Harold Bennett's bladder (type in Young Mr Grace of Are You Being Served and you will see why I make this comparison - ooh me prostate).  Padiham offered a shot back in return, No 10 (Daniel Boyle) punting and only finding sky - worth a dig though methinks.  Ashton, for all their efforts, were just making the wrong decisions at the wrong time, primarily when in the last 3rd of the field and options were available.  An example of this was when Korie-Butler went on a fine streaking run (no, not with his todger out) and instead of crossing to his awaiting colleagues he chose to shoot from an acute angle and find only the side netting. These small errors can, in the great scheme of things, cause much misery and when Padiham began to push towards the latter half of the first period one half expected a sucker punch to come.  Their No 9 (Kieron Pickup) had a looping header but the ball failed to drop in good time and soon after a corner was won, a shot was pinged in at fairly close range and it was only down to the mittman (Martin Pearson) that the score sheet remained unmolested.  The ball came instantly back across goal, the uncertain defending somehow quelled the rising peril.  Ashton had two late pushes, one that saw a hard cross get nutted downwards at close range and miss the target, another that saw an untidy challenge, a minor fuss and two bookings - soon after we were done.

Prior to the match a kind bod had thanked us for our advertisement in the Ashton programme and invited us for free tea in the clubhouse.  It was a thoroughly nice gesture but we are not piss-takers and prefer to give so we stayed put and chomped a few ginger biscuits - the thanks we send though are very sincere.  The cold nipped at the tootsies, what we needed was a few goals to see off the chill - come on ya set of buggers, ripple the mesh!

Period two and a pace-riddled start!  Nicholson of The Ticks was clattered and a bonus boot was awarded.  Smith stepped up and assessed his options.  He chose to crack one low and hard, the swing was too severe, the post was missed by the finest of margins.  Mistakes started to creep into the game, a lack of pattern was had, no team was making any inroads into the game.  The home bench were getting hot under the collar (and maybe elsewhere but I certainly wasn't calling the Elton John Hot Pants Hotline).  Padiham won a corner ball, it was duly pumped in and the crust of Craig was a mere hairs-breadth away from making contact and surely pissing on a few home made chips (or adding golden gravy to the angled potatoes to those of a more educated and less crude frame of mind).  Ashton came next, Korie-Butler was fast and weaved away like Rumpelstiltskin on whizz.  A toe-poke was the end result, again it was off target - oh come now, am I ever going to see my first goal of the year?  From this moment Ashton started to make most of the running but Padiham seemed always ready to strike quicker than a Kleptomaniac in Morrisons (ooh get yer hands off me marrow young man).  A sub for each side was had and looked to hopefully see fresh legs play merry hell with tired ones.  The Padiham sub was the first to shine, he swivelled on a sixpence, provided a pass which was crossed  with venom and allowed Boyle to connect with on the line.  If anyone can provide an answer as to how he missed please send me a postcard because I am bloody clueless.  What a shocker!  

Ashton were now nudged awake, a laser cross was put in, the keeper fumbled but the ball dropped kindly and the No 1 was spared blushes.  The Storks flew back, No 11 (Alex Wood) worked inward and shot, the save was sweat free!  Padiham pushed again but were caught on the hop, Ashton broke, a ball was threaded and No 14 (Joel Brownhill) latched on to the globe and fired low. Joy was borne, the first goal was had, with only 3 minutes left on the clock Ashton Athletic had pinched this intriguing contest.  No sooner had the game kicked back off than Ashton attacked again, a shot from an angle came but the cool defending allowed the ball to run across goal before being cleared.  Seconds later Brownhill slapped home his second, but was denied a second celebration by an offside call.  Padiham now pushed but a fast counter was the result with Korie-Butler spearheading matters and thumping home to double his sides lead and seal a hard-earned victory.  The referee halted matters soon after, from what looked a bang on draw, the home lads had gathered the spoils of war!  For Man of the Match I had several bods in mind and am, in a controversial manner, opting for Padihams No 5 (Michael Morrison) who, despite being on the losing side put in a real eye-catching effort that oozed solidity, cool thinking and a keen eye for a release ball.  The home team had many good work-horses today but as for a good all-round performance I think this visiting dude deserves the nod.

FINAL THOUGHT - An enthralling game this one going the way I thought it would but lacking in the amount of goals I initially predicted.  For me both units are well-versed and play as a complete package rather than a bunch of disjointed individuals - this is always a positive thing that can lead to many successes.  A few moments with added fortune could have turned the result on its head but that is the name of the game, strike whilst the iron is hot, take your opportunities and never give in.  I plan a return to the Brocstedes Park this Tuesday when the Purple Helmets and Co. pay a visit to spread their respectable word.  That will be a tough one and test the rigidity of this reliable side - here's to a stunner.  I am also due to nip back up to Padiham and enjoy some fine football there and appreciate that grand set-up they have as well as, if I remember rightly, their ruddy choice hot-dogs.  I reckon it will be another grand day out and until then I wish them all the best in their endeavours and reckon they will maintain the decent form and be hopefully pecking at a top 6 finish - tha' never knows tha' know!