22nd March 2018 - Prestwich Heys 4 v 0 St Helens Town - After a long day out on The Wirral in whipping winds, biting cold and eventually something akin to Springtime weather we started the week fagged out and under the influence of the lurgy. We had seen some good birds though and had a grand day out, the sniffles and aches would have manifested themselves anyway methinks. We woke up feeling like dead turds next day, as the week went on at work though we felt a little brighter (see you can polish shit) and so after a nudge from my mate STP Stu we made the trip to the Adie Moran Park and duly met up. Stu was already in attendance (you have to be bloody early to beat that worm-grabbing bugger), we partook of the bag-based liquid and awaited the teams whilst chewing the ever-ready cud! Since setting my target at 60 matches per season I find that this year I have gone overboard and slipped into the seas of the passionately senseless. My wife 'tut, tuts' but one of the symptoms of the prevalent disease is an inability to pick up on certain words and phrases such as 'No', 'Surely you can't be going to football again' or 'Can't you stop in and do a few odd jobs'. It is a curse, thank goodness I am blessed with a belter. The upshot of my mania has prompted me to attempt 100 matches in a season this time around and then make sure tis 60 and no more from here on in! To reach the century I will have to push harder than Elvis on the karsi or for that matter, Twiggy giving birth to a pygmy - I am going to have a go methinks, my lower orifices are clenched. So, match 78 of the campaign, here I go with another report from my arthritic mitts.
The pitch was in good condition, the air sprightly but not vulgar and the teams commenced the action with The Town's No 9 (Liam Diggle) gifted a ball in the first minute via a defensive blip. A rush of blood went to his flame haired bonse and he snatched at the shot and fired wide of the mark. An instant return was had, a free-kick was put into the box with enough height on it for the defenders to duly deal with. The lads at the back misread matters, the ball dropped from the night sky and pinged of the nugget of No 8 (Dominic Slaven) who nodded home with relative simplicity. St Helens had already contributed to an uphill task, their 2 corners in return were mighty average and it was already looking to be a long night for the travelling army. The early pattern set saw The Heys looking to dissect with a carving long ball whilst The Town tried to play through the middle using Diggle as a target and general troublemaker. One noticeable difference early on was that the home pack were very vocal and constantly communicating whilst the guests were lacking loquacity, a suggestion perhaps of the confidence of the two teams on show! For the record, and despite the Prestwich high level of organisation, St Helens did attain some level of parity and start to hold their own but the home crew were unflustered and when a free-kick came and the ever-impressive No 6 (Jacob Wood) put his head on the ball I thought the second goal was there to be had. The globe went wide of the upright, St Helens were clinging on here.
A collision next and the stuttering liquidity was halted altogether and Diggle for The Town limped off. A major loss this as the ex-Burscough bod is a good workhorse and when I had witnessed him at his former club I always thought he put in a decent stint. The sub was made, at 1 - 0 the away team were still in this but at the latter end of the first period No 10 (Christopher Baguley) took a free-kick for the hosts, a deflection came and No 11 (Anthony Hall) had a glorious chance to double his sides lead. The swing of the shank was packed with zeal, a red mist of triumph frazzled the cranium and the ball was whacked over the horizontal in no uncertain terms. The manager hailed a disappointed 'fuck off', I guess in a crude way it summed up the frustrations. As the half fizzled more PH pressure was applied but the opposing force survived as well as Robinson Crusoe on a hunger strike and somehow staggered into the dressing rooms still in touch.
We three spectators wandered for some cha' and in the clubhouse we met two fine fellows who are pinging around a few grounds and who we last nattered with at Sandbach. Bloody nice blokes and always a pleasure to pick up on others enthusiasm for this unassuming game. Back out and whilst wandering we had a chinwag with the flag bearing gem known as Sideburn Bob. The man is another hopping zealot with a grand nature although his name isn't Bob and he has no sideburns - now that's punk and due to this encounter I am changing my name to Long Dong Dimple Bum - I have no dimples on my arse and well, I reckon you can hazard a guess at the rest although I say it is all vicious rumour!
The teams came out and whilst chewing the cud with the aforementioned gent who lacked an hirsute countenance Prestwich raced down the other end of the pitch, executed 2 quick passes and clocked up the second goal of the night. No 9 (Lee Bruce) was the punisher, it was a sickening blow for the visitors, so much for the half time talk hey! St Helens now started to show more fervour, No 7 (Shaun Brady) was put through with the home mittman leaving his line and attempting to quell the peril. He got there in good time and produced a tidy save - the knackers of the frisky dog had just been nipped, it was well-timed. Prestwich Heys bounced back, the Town weren't applying enough pressure but their No 6 (Daniel Lomax) was battling like a bastard with a boil on his arse and whilst putting in some good work was trying to rally his team onto the next level. The said player gained one ball and threaded a silky pass through to the feet of No 10 (Daniel Greene) who shot and brought another regulation save from the mesh protector. In response PH won a corner and Woods got his bonse on the ball all too easily. The aim was slightly off, the visitors owed the devil a favour! The game went back and forth, matters looked settled, there was no way this result was in doubt and when The Heys won a free-kick, knocked it in and executed a knock down it was up to the substitute No 16 (John Main) to slam home from the angle - he did just that, 3 - 0, get the car engine warmed up folks.
The cock end of the contest was now dangling in finalised fashion, Prestwich pushed for one last arousing attack. Another gratis punt was granted, Baguley stepped up, clouted and the ball sailed straight through the keepers arms and into the netting. It was cream in the soccerised scone but even in the final minutes of the match Prestwich still displayed the greater appetite. The game was finally halted, we pissed off home and said farewell to a few friendly faces. In truth this was a one-sided contest, the Man of The Match can only come from the victors and my choice goes to No 10 (Christopher Baguley) who ran like a rampant rabbit, was always keen to create a killer move, threaded some sweet passes and who displayed a good engine with plenty of fuel in the tank - that is all one can ask for.
FINAL THOUGHT - I always try and remain positive with these reviews and give teams the benefit of the doubt but tonight I think I witnessed a St Helen's team who are in a spot of trouble and will do well to avoid the ultimate danger zone. As rumours abound it seems there may be no leakage from this competitive league next year and so the crew may live to fight another day - I sincerely hope so as they have one or two capable competitors in their outfit that can help them progress onto more rewarding levels. Tonight though they were outworked, out-thought and outplayed by a very well-oiled machine who do things without flamboyance or overly-adorned affect but who go about their business in a regulated and incessant way that always gets the best out of each individual component. Prestwich are sniffing around the the armpits of the promotional temptress, they are going to push matters further and having almost certainly guaranteed their play-off place may just sneak in automatically like a gay robot in a buttock-building factory - you get the gist!
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