26th March 2018 - Stockport Town 0 v 4 Irlam FC - A busy weekend just done, a day out today around West Yorkshire (darn those road systems) and a mooch around 3 nature reserves. One a shitheap ruined by man's selfish litter-bugging and miniature minded ways, another a tucked away gem and the third a decent place that still needs a bit of work. On the way home, whilst my good lady drove, I read 'The Garden of a Naturalist' by Bernard Gooch, a signed 1959 copy and a marvellous insight into the natural world not so long ago. I kept nodding off due to the sunny rays and being fagged out but managed to finish the chapter I was on before arriving on the doorstep. Once in, tea, website sightings updated and a laze about and then out for this latest Macron Cup Match. As ye know, I am a keen non-league football fan but man, I just hoped there wasn't extra time tonight! I was so tired today I don't think even Roger Bannister was as knackered after running that sub-minute mile and then going on the razzle with Chris Chataway before having a love-in at one of Nicholas Parsons Nob-o-Rama Hotels - what a night that was I hear. So, the carcass was prised off the sofa, my kind (and also knackered out) lass dropped me off and I took up the assessing position and was joined by a few of the Irlam faithful and passionate doofers - not a bad bunch at all!
Irlam came out quickest, No 10 (Matthew Boland) had a choice crack wide, not to be confused with the lover of Wayne Sleep who has a choice wide crack (how awful). The Lions reacted with a free-kick that was played toward the target man, No 9 (Ben Halfacre). He made contact, a clearance was had but it was a move to be wary of for the travelling clan! Stockport advanced once more after Irlam had a half effort quelled. No 8 (Matthew Todd) finalised matters with a keen punt but the ball lacked toxicity and direction, the mittman gathered with ease. At this stage it was the hosts who just brandished the keener blades with No 7 (Jesurun Uchegbulam) not just a tidy Scrabble score but a genuine wriggling eel in the underpants of the Irlam rear. The guests denied and defied, they worked the flank with No 7 (Marcus Perry) breaking free of his marker, crossing and allowing No 9 (Haydn Foulds) to leather one over. Instantly the same move was repeated, another flash down the wing, a ball in and this time it was Boland who connected. He turned, put boot to ball and found the bottom corner with precise skill - it was a fine goal and put the flame to the touchpaper we had all been anticipating.
The Town now became more urgent, No 4 (Tom Bane) supplied a ball to Halfacre who found the net only to look up and see the offside flag waving. Irlam hindered any thoughts of a kick-back from their opponents by passing well and sticking to their well-prepared plans. Another Lion move came nonetheless, No 2 (Macauley Harewood), Uchegbulam and Halfacre major components in a swift energetic move that saw the latter player nut over the bar. Harewood came again after Irlam had taken too much time in midfield. He pilfered, probed, put the globe in the zone of peril, somehow Irlam hoofed clear. Another ball in seconds later caused more consternation, the Silver Street residents looked ruffled. No 3 (Izzy Miranda) for The Town had a crack but wellied high, Uchegbulam waved his magic wand and beat three players whilst gliding with purpose but the spell cast was subdued and as half-time was called one felt that Irlam were slightly fortuitous to have the one goal lead.
During the break I emptied the bladder, swilled tea and re-took my position. I was in the glow of the floodlights ruminating on the first 45 when a shadow fell across my countenance and I felt a chill run down my spine. 'Do you want a cake young man' came the smooth and serenading words. I looked up and beheld the Stockport Town Assistant Secretary (number available on request) clad in summer shorts, wearing a persuasive smile and offering me a Lemon French Fancy! I weighed up the situation and wondered if certain parts of my anatomy were in danger and would end up losing some of their elasticity. I am a simple man of simple tastes, I have only heard hint of these sub-soccer shenanigans and they sounded ghastly - but hey, a French Fancy holds some sway with me and I boldly took the cake and the risk that went with it. The cake tasted fine, I just hope the Premier Inn is fully booked - tis a wicked world don't ya know!
And to half two. The start was level, Stockport were probing and trying to build some pressure, Irlam were sitting a little too deeply. It was end to end stuff. Halfacre nearly turned and buried one but was crowded out and up the other end Perry was almost in the clear but was just denied a glorious chance. A few injuries came, the flow was held up until Uchegbulma put a sweet ball in to Halfacre who was threat was duly subdued. Next, and the opposing No 5's had fair chances with Irlam's (Conor Braithwaite) showing great determination that led to a chance that needed a quality save and at the other side of the park (Dahrius Waldron) put in a quite spellbinding run that saw another peach of a save performed. Perry of Irlam caused the next action when he inadvertently lost the ball and allowed No 10 (Reece Skelton) to zoom forth, try his luck and get an unfortunate deflection wide. The corner came to sweet FA and only led to a smart Irlam break that was crushed by another offside decision.
This was a frantic match, the guests had held on and now, from a midfield mire, let Perry race through on an awaiting ball. The player collected, connected and found the inside of the far post with measured aplomb - well taken that man and surely a moment that knocked a hefty bit of stuffing out of the Stockport souls. The Lions tried to claw back in, a defensive mix-up however landed them in disarray and Foulds of The Mitchells needed no second offering and slotted home to bring up a 0 - 3 lead. He peeled away, tumbled like a tot on a Smartie high, it was good to see a player get so worked up. His enthusiasm wasn't short-lived either and 5 minutes later, only 1 minute from the end he found himself though again and, with the outside of his boot, put in a quite exquisite finish. It was a final insult for the hosts, the gravy on the chips for the visitors and after a short spell of extra time we were done. Thanks and farewells given I mulled over the Man of the Match and went for No 9 (Matthew Boland) who held the ball up well, remained strong but fair throughout, was always a good option and who, of course, bagged two well deserve goals - one can't complain about that!
FINAL THOUGHT - Prior to this match I would have said things would have been a lot closer than the scoreline suggests and, in brutal truth, they were. The difference was that Irlam played as a pack and put in a consistent stint and took their chances when they mattered. Stockport Town tonight were a bit sketchy in part and in between some fine passages of play just went off the boil now and again - it happens. The prize for the victors is bittersweet as a semi-final place, and possibly a final, means two more matches in a fixture list that is quite overloaded. Irlam are not clear of the drop-zone either so the question is - do you chase the cup or make sure you secure your league position? The answer ain't easy and a bit of Ali Bongo juggling may be called for. Stockport Town are safe in their Division 1 position and will no doubt be looking to build further on their obvious promise and hold on to some of their pace-riddled and game changing players. They will finish in the top half and next term I reckon will be pushing for honors and I, hopefully, will be witnessing what transpires!
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