1st September 2018 - Shelley FC 2 v 1 Penistone Church - Mycelial strands are invading my carcass at the moment as the fungal season is upon us and my mind is awash with cheilocystidia, erumpent growths (ooh me arse), paraphyses, hygrophanous caps, sinuate lamellae and other such terminology. I like the environment, I like the shrooming world so I do my bit and this Non-League footy lark is a nice respite from the absorbing fungal world. Today was a drift over from red rose country to that which boasts petals of white and after a busy morn we pootled across and eventually found our destination. Today's musical escort came via bands such as The Lillettes, Nicky and the Dots, The Pirhanas and The Chefs. In between a smattering of Northern Soul was had too. The two teams on show today were ones I hadn't seen before so anticipation was high due to my love of all things different. As a slight diversion, the away team bring to mind the many penis stones I have passed over the years due to having a dodgy gland in the neck that formed crystals to gather in my kidneys. 30 years of passing conglomerates of grit and when the gland was whipped out all was sorted - a pity I had only pebble-dashed 75% of the house. Someone came up with a laxative and gravel diet to finish the rest, I did try but now have a two-tone abode and a prolapsed anus - oh bother. So back to matters at hand, a shit drive over and a few wrong turnings we arrived at the ground in time to purchase tea and crisps and park our arses to take in the atmosphere. The programme was poor to be fair, primarily adverts and no substance and the tea wasn't the best. I hate to be critical though so onwards, honesty prevailing and hopefully positivity dictating.
The early play was up in the air, back and forth and without cohesion. It was a very scrappy start but out of the muddled mire the Penis tone rung true and a quick ball brought about a one on one situation that saw the keeper rounded, a ball flashed in low and a steady tap home for No 11 (Sam Scrivens). From here the guests pressed and looked to enhance the ever-promising tangerine dream. Despite this early goal the match failed to ignite and all we got for our eager eyes was a dreary disjointed spectacle. In fact, this opening showcase was the worst football I had seen this season and something special or outlandishly capricious was needed to inject life into a staggering footballing beast. A hopeless cause was chased by the visiting Scrivens, a cross cum shot came (sounds like an angry ape having an orgasm) and the keeper did enough to push it behind. The corner was decent but was dealt with, Penistone however, still looked the likeliest team to get the next strike. In fact if No 9 (Nathan Keightley) would have controlled a well-delivered heat-seeking cross his touch home would have been as easy as A, B and C and not as complex as 'X, Y and Q'. The miss was poor and another cross soon after ended yet again without glory as the ball was left unmolested rather than bollock-booted home.
Eventually the Shelley squad hinted at promise with their No 10 (Israel Johnson) an intricate component in the first applaudable move. It was unfortunate that the ensuing corner and throw in produced nowt. Free-kicks came at both ends - the first for Penistone hit the quality mark of 'wank', the second for Shelley upped matters to 'non-wank' but the following header failed to hit the target. As the half withered quicker than the exposed teats of Old Mother Riley in a desert-based sirocco the visiting bunch put in many good surges but were let down time and time again by the final ball. This footballing folly was exacerbated by a bout of rearguard indecision that saw several crosses come and the blatant vacillation punished by the quick feet of Johnson who walloped home and got proceedings back to all square. The half ended soon after but not before the Penistone No 5 (James Young) drove in a lovely free-kick that swung low and was beautifully saved by the home mitter (Max Dearnley). A good full-stop to the half to banish much of what had gone before - the break was very much needed.
A wander to the touchline, a swill of some fruit juice and a soak up of the rays - it were getting warm lad.
The second half began with Penistone out quickest, a couple of switch passes ended with No 8 (Jordan Coduri) crossing to Scrivens who eventually got the ball down, poked forth and was denied by a quality block. At the opposite end No 7 (Matthew Waller) put in a superb angled ball that saw No 9 (Craig Billington) take down and crack first time mere inches wide - unlucky. Shelley urged each other on, Penistone were malingering and lost possession. Johnson for the hosts put in a superb ball, in popped No 8 (Daniel Keane) - somehow the hosts had turned this around, their opponents looked both disgusted and gutted. A quiet patch followed, Coduri for Penistone had a glorious opportunity to level but was struck down with Heavenly guidance and gently knocked the ball into the awaiting keeper's arms - how Christian and who said charity begins at home? Frustration now manifested itself, space was being found by the hosts with a couple of chances just inches away from a definitive killer blow. Billington should have added another but tied himself in knots and released all too tamely. The same player had another shot soon after, this one with more pep, but gravity was denied and the ball sailed over the bar.
A few spiced tackles now came as well as a smattering of end to end marauding. Several escapades towards goal were indulged in, all players who had hopes of a rippled net where about as accurate as a glass-eyed dart player with an attack of delirium tremens - it seemed to be one of those days. Composure was an absent friend, no doubt playing host at the local bridge school or hanging around the chilled vegetable section of the local supermarket where other cooled cucumbers may be found. The finish to the affair was fractious, a bloody nose, a headbutt accusation, a splatter of gushing desire borne from the loins of many desperadoes. Penistone sent in numerous low balls, every single time an executioner was absent - very frustrating indeed. The guests just couldn't get back in this one and after a few impeding moments via the whistle and an head injury, the final call came and they had to resign themselves to letting this one slip. Man of the Match though goes to their No 11 (Sam Scrivens) whom I thought offered most danger, ran himself into the ground and was unlucky not to be on the winning team - it is a small consolation I know. We two wanderers buggered off home, I did see two Hawthorn Shieldbugs near the car park - it was a nice way to end the trip.
FINAL THOUGHT - A day out that didn't live up to expectations with the game being a struggling session between two teams not fully firing on all cylinders and hitting too many stray balls. Shelley though stuck at matters and somehow pulled a victory from the mire which, in many ways, can be the sign of a team not to underestimate. They need to pick up matters though as the NWCFL will certainly take no prisoners and they have a few teams within the league that could really take them to the cleaners. I am sure I will catch them again at some point, it will be interesting to see the progression made. Penistone have potential and should have had this game won today but they were ground down, didn't fulfill many opportunities and at the last, were too rushed in their play and so let some good positions go astray. I shall have a pootle to their ground deeper in the season, once more it will be interesting to see how far they have progressed from today's performance. We are still in the pubescent throes of the season, wait til the bollocks have dropped and a fair judgement can be passed - I will be waiting!
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