15th October 2018 - Maine Road 6 v 5 Abbey Hulton Utd - The weekend had been non-stop, today had involved a slog through many fungal specimens and the match on show was very much anticipated. The hosts were in the lowly depths of the league, the guests flying high and looking to recover after a recent blip. The pressure was on both sides to grab a win for obvious reasons, if ever a game looked to have goals in it this was it. As I result I removed my rhetorical testicles and put them on the line marked 'optimistic' and hoped and prayed that I wouldn't end up a foolish eunuch with my conkers in my hand. Me and the missus had tea, watched some idle TV (Bargain Hunt - inoffensive enough I suppose since that copper coloured bastard David Dickinson had jumped ship) and then we set out for a short drive to the ground. A warm drink, viewing point found and cop a load of this.
From the off, The Hulton advanced with their heads to the grindstone and nearly broke their opponents back ranks with a sharp passing sequence that was blighted at the death by the flapping touchline flag. No sooner had the pressure valve been released on the Blue defense than a moment of unexpected madness saw a goalkeeping mis-kick allow the ball to fall into space and No 11 (Angelo Rico) loop one homeward and find the awaiting space between the sticks. It was a well taken goal and certainly put an early kybosh on the host's ambitions. From here The Road buzzed about with No 9 (Mike Burke) having a hopeful dig that went tamely wide. A free-kick down the other end saw panic in the box and much fluster ensue. The home lads survived, had a good period of possession but never made any genuine inroads - Abbey Hulton seemed to be very much in the driving seat. As the visitors built with purpose, Maine Road pugnaciously stuck in and from a seemingly mediocre moment a ball was tossed forth, nutted out and up stepped No 10 (Lee Hendley) to absolutely nail one home and bring parity back to the game. It was a firm strike and a bolt out of the unpredictable blue - this one was a very intriguing affair!
Resting on a knife edge the game developed further, Burke had a dig for The Blues but a bobbling ball put paid to the target being troubled and I thought the windows of nearby resident Edwina Thrutch were in greater danger of being hit which, in itself, would have been disastrous as it was about this time she was settling down to knit herself another 3 breasted bra (don't ask). Half chances came at each end, the ball was just elusive at the last and so the scoresheet remained without further blemish until Abbey Hulton advanced and were duly robbed of the ball. From the halfway line Burke decided to get the head down and go on a mission. One player, two player, three player beat, a quick glance and wallop - goal of the evening had, a 20 yard beauty and a turnaround to savour was achieved and all done with grit and gonads exposed along the way - marvellous. Hulton were injured, they sprung back, No 3 put in a cross, the home mittman flapped and a shot came and was blocked on the line. In, out and back in the ball went, like the hips of an Alsatian humping the leg of its narcoleptic owner. As peril seemed to pass a leg swung, the globe was hit on the volley and whack - back of the net bulging, the game was all square - Nathan Grice was the assassin, this was turning into a stunner.
The excitement continued, Maine Road had a free-kick, Hendley struck a quite outstanding effort but it was matched by an exquisite piece of goalkeeping with the gloved guardian at full stretch and palming the ball away from the target zone. More pressure came via the Blues, Hulton pushed late on, a cross came, a header had by a defending bod and another that was nutted backward and in popped No 9 (Lee Cropper) to nip in and toe poke home. 2 - 3 - what the ruddy hell! A corner came soon after, Cropper in again and inches wide. Other end, 7 minutes of the half left and the well-deserved role of captain had fallen to the ever-busy Blue No 8 (Jamie Roe). He found himself in a small area of space, he made the decision to shoot - oh man, shit the bed - 3 - 3 - this was unreal and what a well taken goal. From here the mania continued but thankfully the half-time whistle came and we could all recover and dose up on our nerve controlling meds. The excitement had been too much for some, an elderly couple next to me had died of exposure to the lunacy, one old lady was undergoing a seizure and an unashamed fellow further along was still in the throes of an all-consuming orgasm. Yes, it had been one of those halves.
During the break my wife had a natter on the phone to our daughter and I had a chinwag with Cheadle Heath Nomad's Secretary, and all round good guy, Neville Pearson. Football and fungi dictated matters with Nev giving hint of a book he is writing on the love life of a Tangerine. The Karma Fruitra sounds a fascinating read and with a nude pineapple centre-spread thrown in for the connoisseur I can see the author making his fortune and opening his very own Fruit Museum. Good luck to him, ooh the zesty character.
The opening throes of the second period were played with frenzied heat. A cross for Hulton came, Cropper was keen to get his crust on the globe, missed it and up stepped No 7 (Kieran Lazenby) to feed on the scraps and bury the ball. The 7th goal was had, another chance nearly came the other end as Roe put in a pearling cross that was knocked out with some crucial defending. The trailing team came again, corner won, out and repeat. Ball in, flick on, Burke at the back post and 4 goals apiece. No sooner had I witnessed this 8th strike than some horrorshow defending by the hosts saw an eager striker pop up and have a crack that went just wide. After a small injury break and a quiet spell a few more half glimpses of goal were had by both units. From nothing a soft free-kick was awarded to the AH lads, Cropper waited for the whistle and eyed the target. The shrill peep came, a relaxed shank swung and the ball looped over the wall and squeezed into the net for a quite simplistic strike. It was a lapse in defense for the Blue Army, it was now time to respond.
Down the back stretch we were about to enter, Cropper for Hulton had a crack just off line, No 10 also had an effort that needed a goal line clearance - this was one game of capricious football and more was still to come. Road's No 3 (Luke Podmore) came on strong, graced the game with a sublime pass that saw Hendley latch onto and strike inches wide. There was no abatement to the action, like a couple of jitterbugs hepped up on goofballs the incessant animation remained high. Next up, Abbey Hulton progressed and looked to seal the win, they were caught napping and Road broke. A cross came forth, the defender couldn't get the ball from beneath his feet and No 12 (Joe O'Brien) swooped like a shithawk on a sausage and brought about yet another equaliser. With 16 minutes left on the clock Road pressed again and won a corner. In the globe came, the keeper caught, dropped and wham, No 11 (Kyle Hendley) had bagged his own prize and brought sheer joy to his teams ranks. Hulton didn't roll over and die, their No 10 and Cropper both had efforts, one nutted away by the keeper, one saved and pushed behind which resulted in a goal kick (a very odd decision). The last 5 minutes were hectic, Hulton posed greatest threat and a shot from one of their subs wasn't that far off the mark. Eventually the final bell was rung, Maine Road looked overjoyed, Abbey Hulton devastated, and no ruddy wonder. Both teams should take pride in providing a darn good spectacle and the losers can have consolation in the fact that they had several players who caught the eye tonight. Man of the Match though goes to Maine Roads No 9 (Mike Burke) for two reasons - the brace of goals and for not giving in - simple hey! We pootled off homeward after a classic, I thought my prediction of many goals was outlandish, man, you just can never weigh it up.
FINAL THOUGHT - A glorious stunner, the best match of the season, a pleasure to witness such a ruddy good goalfest that had it all. Both units played with a desire to create chances and ripple mesh - it was a kamikaze game, end to end action and laden with skill, errors and tales of the unexpected. On the plus side, each unit displayed a proven ability to create chances and bury the ball when the chance arose. Both packs have pace, produce many moments of quick passing and good movement and never give up the ghost. On the negative side, this was a nightmare for the manager's with goals leaking here and there and composure sometimes lacking in the heat of battle. The game was played fairly and squarely, very little griping and moaning and the head down approach is one all and sundry should be applauded upon. If I was a gambling man I reckon the next time the teams meet it will be a hand's down goalless draw, such is the outlandish freakishness of this Non-league lark. Thankfully I keep my conkers in my pocket and just attend, enjoy and appreciate. The option tonight was to stop in and watch those overpaid wankers who play for England go through motions I am certainly not interested in and certainly not willing to support. This punk bastard likes it real and honest, I think my choice proves that point. Thank you to all involved.
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