23rd February 2019 - Longridge Town 7 v 0 Carlisle City - Up early, I was tired, I had had some real dodgy dreams this week. One night I was on the bog and evacuating the bowels - to my great surprise a crocodile fell out of my arse - I don't know what that means? Another night saw me have it off with John Noakes, I never knew that it was his todger called Shep and not his pet dog - get down ya bugger, get down! So, with bleary eyes and addled head me and the good lady set off and arrived at Brockholes Wildlife Trust Reserve in grand time. My fine wife told me to behave and leave any sheep dogs alone. Today we were up for a bit of birding, a full-English breakfast and some general mooching. We had a fine walk, clocked up 49 species of bird, saw a few blooms with Colt's-Foot an early annual joy and noted a couple of bugs as well. At the appointed time we set off for Longridge Town, arrived and took in the ambience of a new ground whilst partaking of a local brew and some free biscuits. The pitch was in dandy condition, the air still clement, we expected this to be like the face of Tom Jones, a nip and tuck affair, little did we know that for one team at least, the nip would be a blip and the tuck and almighty fuck!
The teams graced the verdant surface, the pea trembled and the game was afoot. Initially it was the guests who made the early running with their No 11 (Kyle Armstrong) displayed a footballing intelligence and knocking forth some decent balls for comrades to pursue. As it turned out the first real shot on goal came at the opposite end of the park with No 11 (Richard Allen) latching on to a through ball and giving it a good old kicking. The sphere was launch, elevation was high, the bar was missed by mere inches - alas on the wrong side! Longridge soon acclimatised themselves to the task ahead, they started to play a passing game attempting to work their way through a somewhat tight defence. Carlisle were forced into conceding a free-kick which No 10 of The Ridge (Thomas Ince) hit with high accuracy and strong impetus. The top corner was missed by millimetres and the bar was left trembling like an aroused donkey's dongler. The ball fell into space, the visiting defenders briefly paused, it was just enough to allow the quick thinking No 8 (Daniel Wilkinson) to pounce and slap home the first goal of the game.
Longridge were now on it. They came again, a 2 on 2 situation arose, the visiting defender earned his crust and Carlisle came back. A throw came, Armstrong nutted onward, No 9 (Robert McCartney) put in a weak up and downer and could only find the roof of the net. Longridge rebounded, No 6 (Christopher Turner) advanced with purpose, the away team's alarm bells were ringing, they still allowed a shot to be released and must have been relieved to see it crawl inches wide. Despite being run ragged Carlisle managed to create a short spell of pressure from the midst of which a cross came. No 10 (Ryan Holmes) was on it although the touch was limp and the keeper easily gathered. From here things became balanced, shots at each end lacked quality and the game remained in a precarious position. A mistimed tackled saw two players get cobbled and the home fans spit disgust at seeing their man get booked . A free-kick for Carlisle was drilled by their No 7 (David Renyard). The man between the sticks kept his peepers on the soaring sphere and tipped over. A corner brought mayhem which ended in a wild lash from Longridge's Allen that nearly fell at the feet of a predatory striker. The home No 1 (Lee Dovey) was once again quick off the mark - it was the last action of a very enthralling half.
Half-time and we stayed put, supped Fanta and I checked up on a few scores. The break flew by, tis amazing what a bit of anticipation can do.
From the start of the second half Carlisle came out fizzing. They were nearly caught with their trousers down though when No 9 (Jason Hart) found himself on the end of a breakaway, galloped with focus and put in a finishing touch that was just shy of the vertical. Longridge came once more, No 7 (Isaac Sinclair) went on a surefooted spurt and was duly tumbled. The free-kick was taken from distance, hit with mid-pace, kept low and somehow snuck in at the near post. Ince was the executioner, he seemed rather pleased with himself and a trifle surprised - I think the mittman should have done better. Longridge were soon trespassing forth once more, Hart was on it, put in a shot that was blocked, duly recovered, worked sideways and placed a pass. The ball was dummied, in crept No 8 (Daniel Wilkinson) and guided the ball homeward - it seemed so easy!
I expected things to settle from here but the hosts sizzled with focus, one attack was snuffed at the last and then Ince and Allen linked up with the latter player dragging the end punt...wide! A few subs came, Longridge continued where they left off, Sinclair was at the helm and allowed to advance with purpose. One touch, player passed, two touch, player passed, three touch, pick that out - marvellous goal and 4 - 0 it was with no way back for the guests. The traffic was now an unstoppable flow down a one way street although Carlisle did dare to defy matters when Renyard refused to fall from a clumsy tackle, ran on and looked ready to fire when the home No 2 (Joseph Melling) put in a cracking tackle. Longridge now worked all areas of the pitch, they were running their opponenst ragged and from another pass and move sequence, Ince knocked forth a peach of a ball for Allen to lightly touch and bring up the fifth goal of the game.
Into the dog end of the game, Carlisle had a few nearly breaks, Longridge prodded and poked like a pervert dentist hell-bent on inflicting further pain. The Town put together a masterclass move next with several players receiving and releasing before a touch back, an assist and Sinclair was allowed to finish and grab the goal of the game. I thought that was it, no sooner had my pen left the note paper and Sinclair was in once more after a direct, dissecting sequence that left the visiting pack in disarray. The No 7 grabbed the7th goal in the last minute of the game and after two more efforts by the hosts the referee ended proceeedings and 90% of those in attendance went homeward smiling. Man of the Match for me goes to the Longridge Town No 10 (Thomas Ince) who plays with his brain, is a veritable dynamo that leaves some good thermal coverage and is always looking to play in that cute and killer ball to disembowel the opposing rear - applause aplentry sir. This one had been a real footballing lesson - we pootled off convinced that we had seen one of the best performances of the season.
FINAL THOUGHT - Longridge Town are shite! Longridge Town are a disjointed mess! Longridge Town will never win promotion! I Fungalpunk Dave talk out of my arse! This was a beautiful performance, the best I had seen this year and a stint laden with many fine players and with an exhibition of football being played how it should be. The team pass well, their awareness is exemplary, the roll that they are on almost unstoppable. They played Carlisle off the park and the team from further up North are certainly no mugs. Can you tell I was impressed - I think they will win this league, and on evidence such as this, they certainly deserve to. Carlisle City must be applauded for the consistent chasing today and even when the game had been flushed away, travelled around the U-bend of disappointment and been crapped on for good measure (no crocodiles I am glad to say) they still dug in and tried their best to grab a consolation - this attitude will serve them well. The league has now taken shape, Longridge are there to be fired at, Carlisle need to consolidate - I wish both units the very best, we will certainly be back at this ground and hopefully catching Longridge on their travels very soon. This had been a fine day out - if I was reading this I'd be inspired to get to the Mike Riding Ground as soon as - a friendly place, a good set up, football to savour on show - just do it!
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