15th February 2019 - 1874 Northwich 3 v 2 Barnoldswick Town - Pay day, a time to celebrate and indulge (if only). The day was sunny and bright, spring was in the air and may I add, a spring was in the step. Alas I got carried away springing about and trapped a testicle in my 1874 Northwich underpants - I didn't hold it against the team and hoped they would do themselves proud tonight. After the day's work was done, the said clattered conker plastered up and the underpants changed for a Barlicks Thong (with silk sensation addition) me and the good lady got our acts together and prepared to head out when I dropped the household keys and bent down to recover them rather too quickly. The thong I was wearing went up my buttock cleavage and duly tore me a new anus, of the elongated and quite painful kind don't you know. A delay was had, I nipped upstairs and changed once more - this time I opted for some North West Counties League snug-o-rama support rubbers - I shall remain a neutral as ever. Arriving at the ground I had a hankering for some scram and warm liquid - I suppose if I was told to piss off that would, in some warped way, cover both targets (are you with me). We duly purchased victuals cum refreshments, took up a viewing point and prepared for some Friday night football. Saturday is out of the question for ball hoofing entertainment, I have the Blackpool Bastards coming to town - 9 bands plucking and puking and making a racket to admire - it must be done. And so, with no further deviations and digressions I am ready to reveal what transpired on this February evening during this Macron Cup Tie - I thank you for your patience.
The start was a fizzed up scrapyard affair - bits and boots flying everywhere, very little room for anyone to create a fluent and worthy attack. From the clanking and grinding No 7 (Zack Dale) had a snap shot from nothing but couldn't stop the ball from rising over the horizontal. The same team began to hit many high balls, trying to confound their opponents with an aerial bombing, all to no avail. The first corner of the match went against the grain, 1874 earned the angled kick, the ball came in, went up and was walloped by the firm boot of No 9 (Scott McGowan) who tried an audacious overhead kick. The contact and execution were spot on, the carcass that got in the way was crucial - onwards we went. A long ball from the hosts quickly ensued, the Barlick No 1 (Ryan Livesey) came and dropped under pressure. The loose globe fell to McGowan who struck first time, Livesey recovered and put in a good honest save. The hosts now had their peckers up (I hope those shorts can take the strain) and produced a laserbeam attack that added further illumination to an eye-catching game. McGowan was involved in a great link up, knocked the ball out to No 7 (Mike Koral) who spurted, slapped in a cross and watched No 11 (Taylor Kennedy) pounce like a panther on a puppy, and touched home with a certain ease. The perfect ending to a dazzling, frazzling move!
From here the lads of 1874 chased everything, displayed a desire not seen since Christopher Biggins was left in charge of a chip shop, they worked with extreme ardour - the fans became aroused. A push came, pressure rose, the visiting keeper went on walkabout (what's new, what a nomadic madman), the ball was punted goalward, it was just too high. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, Barnoldswick hammered forth, 2 passes were played in double quick time and No 4 (James Crorken) thumped home in determined and decisive style - now where did that come from? The game now grew in stature, the pace electric, both teams intent on playing one touch football. Barnoldswick displayed a style that highlighted why they are in a lofted league position - very focused and direct, always looking to go forth with high impetus. The Northwich pack though are no mugs, they read the game well, soaked up and after a break earned a free-kick. The ball was delivered into the box, was knocked up, obeyed the gravitational pull and wham, No 6 (Jack Irlam) slammed home from all of 5 feet. Soon after another gratis hoof saw Kennerley drive a low sizzler just shy of the vertical and then a corner was granted to the same advancing team. The ball was struck like the conkers of a sex-staved rubber man (low and firm) and was met by the swinging shank of McGowan who connected with purity and gave his side a 3 - 1 lead.
The half closed with great effort from both teams, a few late tackles and a yellow card - this had been a good contest, the clash of styles made for a game with many moments to ponder and we duly pondered whilst sat on our arses and staying put.
Half two began with the guests making the early running with a shot by Dale blocked and one by No 9 (Jack Coop) rattled over. 2 corners followed, the second of which was played to the near post that forced the home keeper (Tony Agheyere) to block well from a quite cheeky flick on. At the other end of the pitch Kennerley was nearly released but the Barlick keeper was roaming as per and duly did his worthwhile bit. The match was laden with fine ingredients, I wondered what would be dished up next - I didn't have long to wait. A frenzied moment saw the ball enter the Barlick box, 3 close-in shots came, 1 blocked, 2 solidly saved by Livesey who kept his side very much in the game. The hosts were keen to keep pressing, Livesey still continued to leave his net area, an attack came, panic ensued, a yellow card came and 1874 were given a free-kick. The visitors survived, a settled period came and then a mistimed tackle by Barnoldswick's No 8 (Andrew Hill) ended with him taking an early bath. There was nothing malicious in it, just a mistimed moment I thought - unlucky mate!
The game now looked to be only going one way, but the trailing side were far from done. Dale went on a stunning run, he slipped through the attention of several defenders and shot with force. The keeper parried, a clearance came, but Barlick were seen marauding again and duly earned a bonus boot on the periphery of the perilous zone. Crorken was in command, he put in a sweet dig and quivered the sticks, another shot followed, deflection and corner. The resultant ball in produced nothing, a few subs were duly had and from a 74 advance The Town counterpunched, No 15 (Teal Amos) was out wide and worked in with only one thing on his mind. He weaved a spell, eyed the meshing and placed his shot with precision and gave this game one last gasp of life. The interest levels rose, 7 minutes were on the clock, Barnoldswick huffed and puffed but couldn't blow the 74 house down, and after Irlam for the hosts drilled one at the keeper and some manic action the whistle for the end of play came and we, as punters, were left to chew on the fascinating soccerised cud. A well competed game, many hard working performances and my Man of the match tonight goes to Barnoldswick's No 7 (Zack Dale) who provided much excitement, some fine quality and many options - he was unlucky to be on the losing side but these things happen and in truth 1874 Northwich did deserve it - just!
FINAL THOUGHT - Well, what can one say - what great value again. We came, we paid our conkers and we saw 5 goals in a good cup game that was still undecided up until the shrill of the pea laden device. Barnoldswick have nothing to be ashamed of with their performance tonight and, in some ways the loss could help them push on in the league and really make an impression in the upper echelons. It would be gratifying to see and one must take time out to applaud them on the pace-riddled play, perspired effort and contribution to a Friday night clash. 1874 Northwich are always worthy of a Non_league nut's time, they play some attractive football, have many talented players and show a unity to admire. I think tonight they earned their place in the next round and who is to say they won't lift the cup and bring great joy to the ever-enthusiastic faithful. I shall keep an eye on matters, I may even find time to see the next round, it is a busy life being a supporter of this glorious DIY game. To end - the chips went down well tonight, the tea warmed the cockles, the ambience was friendly and the game fair - the only gripe is that the aforementioned Mr Biggins has threatened me with a court case - good job I didn't mention the rubber cucumber!
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