EMPTY NEST

30th March 2019 - Swallownest FC 0 v 1 Parkgate FC - We started the day today mighty early and headed across the Woodhead Pass and down the M1 to arrive at Rother Valley Country Park as the sun was just starting to exhibit its potential.  We had a good walk, a few bugs, many birds and several blooms with dinner enjoyed and a sprawl had whilst reading our chosen paperbacks.  We arrived at Swallownest FC 90 minutes before kick-off, had a chill, entered the ground and duly scoffed some fine chips and slurped some tea.  We took up our positions in the sun, my good lady had a read, I looked for a few bugs, the best was the Hoverfly (Eupeodes luniger) the first of the year - yippee.  This was a game that was outside our normal territory, we normally stick to the North West Counties League and throw in the odd excursion here and there to keep things interesting.  I had no idea what the Hell was going to happen here, maybe the referee would spontaneously combust, a one-legged streaker would hop his way to arousing success or the whole pitch would collapse and suck us all into a vortex of sheer madness - who knows?  I hoped for a good game, many goals and much excitement, I was to be left a trifle disappointed if the truth be known and as a result, considered assassinating the club Chairman as way of recompense - I do get worked up at times.  The teams eventually came out, my pen was prepared to gush, here is what dripped from the nib.

The host team swooped quickest, a firm cross  by No 4 (Mitch Ward) found the bonse of No 10 (Jason Short) but the execution was lacking direction and went straight into the keepers awaiting hands.  Parkgate reacted, No 11 (Silas Collins) slapped in a cross that was nutted behind for a corner with the resultant kick from the angle an early contender of 'The Big Match Bilge Award'.  The opening throes offered very few further chances, both sides struggling to settle and looking overly keen to create.  The closest we actually got to a goal was when the home keeper launched a free-kick from his own half and watched it bounce over No 1 and alas, over the bar - that could have been interesting to say the least.  The match ticked on, hollers of 'time, time' came from both packs when a colleague was in possession, all we got was rushed and panic riddled football with no composure.  Swallownest somehow cultivated a rare chance, a bonus boot was awarded just outside the box which No 7 (Luke Beedham) knocked over the horizontal - it could be one of those days!

From here shabby tackles, lack of control, a rock hard pitch that showed no forgiveness and rising irritation all contributed to an affair that was far from liquid football - this was a grueller. The home birds started to shade matters and won a series of free-kicks and corners but surprise, surprise, all to no avail.  As half-time approached a bloke came round collecting funds for the charity MIND.   We duly put our bit in the pot and wondered, if after witnessing a match such as this, that in the near future, depression will have taken hold and we would be needy service users - it seemed possible the way things were going.  The final gasps of the half came like the death rattle of a constipated hippo.  The Nest had a shot boomed high and then a final move came with No 8 (Oliver Grady) sending in a long, angled cross that was met by the crust of Short at the back post - wide the ball went.  Crikey that was bordering on excitement and my good lady had to hold me upright as my legs gave way under the unexpected high - thankfully the referee blew for half time and I had time to recompose (please add own sarcasm).

We stayed put for the break, soaked up the rays and looked for an appropriate spot to hang ourselves - it was that kind of game.  The players eventually came back out, would we find anything to get aroused by or would the game remain as the love-life of ex-wrestler Big Daddy - full of huff and puff but no end thrill.

The second period stuttered and lacked any real composure.  As stated, the pitch was unforgiving and many a bobble brought a miskick or bounced the ball too far when a probing pass was played.  Parkgate started to apply themselves and won a free-kick.  The ball in was on target, the tip over by the keeper was the high point of the game thus far.  The corner came, a leg came out, the ball went into the net - own goal, it kind of summed things up - if ever a game was going to be decided by an error this was it.  With the deadlock broken substitutes came each way and then a rare excursion into pastures perilous came for the hosts with a long ball flicked on by the cranium of No 9 (Alex Lill) allowing Short to fire just off target.  A few miskicks came next, one or two highly sauced tackles with vulgarities exchanged - whilst all the while Parkgate increase the stranglehold on the game and suffocated their opponents endeavours in all areas.  

The final stretch saw Swallownest appear like a pissed-up Einstein and lack any ideas whereas Parkgate where like a Viagra-laden lobber and stayed somewhat firm.  The home lads worked hard, No 2 (Aaron Statham) trespassed, received the globe in the box, turned with haste and let fly - once more the ball, like the voice of Joe Pasquale whilst wearing a razor-filled thong, had too much elevation.  Bookings came, weak efforts had, Parkgate nearly produced a freak moment when a throw-in missed all heads and limbs and hit the near post - ooh!  The match limped to the finale, Statham had a fine thrust forth but was tumbled and the free-kick that followed lacked any real 'oomph' - it was with great relief when the referee called for full-time - get me outta here folks, this has been a trial.  Man of the Match today gives me a chance to end on a positive note and goes to Parkgate FC's No 5 (Haydn Ward) who was a stable player throughout, made sure the back ranks stayed firm and was a strong contributor to the final shut-out - it never goes unnoticed.

FINAL THOUGHT - So we came, we saw and after dipping our hands into the nest of the swallow we came away with only one Goal-den egg and even that was slightly cracked and lacked the true polish purist's so highly desire.   These things happen, sometimes two teams come together onto the field of battle and consistently fire blanks, mistime their attacks and duly snuff each other out.  There was an abundance of endeavour on show today, plenty of frantic excitement but for me, the main culpable parties were the pitch and the general lack of commanding composure.  The game needed one team to get the ball, pass and play and have a lengthy bout of possession to get a real feel for the conditions and the baled turf beneath the galloping feet.  I think both units could have played until Doomsday and no real breakthrough would have been had, sometimes you just have to be acceptant of a situation.  All in attendance seemed in agreement this hadn't been a prize-winning encounter with one guy wandering off and stating he will miss the next home match as he couldn't take anymore.  I will hopefully catch up with both parties again at some point and will see all involved do themselves justice, therefore I will reserve ultimate judgement until then.  We had enjoyed our visit nonetheless and wish all and sundry the best - keep trying and enjoying folks, it is still better than doing sweet FA.