ELL ON EARTH

10th August 2019 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 3 v 0 Ellesmere Rangers - A chilled morning for once, I got up late, sorted some gall photo's and put them on the website with relevant information.  I listened to some new punk vibes, a smattering of political folk and some arse tearing hardcore music, exercised the aging joints and had a good dinner.  I even found time to read my latest book, a collection of tales by the genius that is Guy Du Maupassant, the first being entitled 'Pierre et Jean', a striking tale of jealousy, ambition and exposed secrets.  The weather today was akin to the love life of a cock-less turkey and seemed rather unpromising but undeterred I headed down to this local ground early, indulged in tea and chocolate and chatted with many fine faces.  To avoid the risk of rectal rheumatic I headed for the cover of the stands and parked my rear in the usual spot whilst the pitch got doused and those deemed insane let their barnets be bombarded by the falling droplets.  I expected goals today with my pre-match prediction given to the Nomads coach and manager earlier in the week.  Will my forecast come true and the champagne corks of celebration be heard to pop or will things fall flat and will I once more be supping from the rusted Tango can of defeat and rueing my prophesying efforts - I promise to come clean at the end of this report.

The start was even enough, Ellesmere displayed initial promise with a few free-kicks and fluent moves keeping their opponents honest.  The first foray with any purpose came via the hosts with No 11 (Ashley Harrison) turning his marker inside out and putting in a solid cross. Attack arrivals were conspicuous by their absence, chance gone.  Again the Nomads came, No 7 (George Blackwell) tossed over a stunning cross that was collected by Harrison at the far stick.  A touch back, No 3 (Stephen Kirby) put the ball in with a corner won and duly wasted.  2 free-kicks came the same way, the first was awful, the second hit too long, this just wasn't good enough.  Like watching a victim of vomiting and diarrhoea we witnessed a period of end to end action but No 2 (Sam Carpenter) and No 4 (Jake Wright) were stubborn at the rear and always involved in clearing up any mess.  The hosts did find the net at one stage but a handball decision defecated on any rising hopes - shit does happen.

As we fell forward into the gaping orifice of the first half the home lads began to belch out something akin to 'control'.  Harrison had a meaty dig that pinged off a defensive cranium and went for an angled kick.  The ball was hoofed in, knocked out and re-crossed whereupon No 5 (Luke Taylor) rose, hung in suspended animation and nutted home with sanguinity and bagged the first goal of the game - it had been coming.  From here the Nomads were allowed a ridiculous amount of time and space on the ball, the only real chance gained though was when a cross found the noggin of No 9 (Richard Tindall) who nutted wide from a few feet out and must have been overjoyed to see the offside flag overshadow his embarrassment.  A corner followed moments later, the dig was firm and of mid height, No 10 (Danial Browne) made solid cranial contact and found the net from a quite acute angle - for me it was deserved and already put the game beyond the visiting tribe's reach who were, unlike Barbara Windsor, offering little up front.  To be fair The Rangers had a minor flourish late on, No 11 (William Wells) cut in and blazed a direct boomer but the home No 1 (Aaron Tyrer) kept his concentration and sweetly blocked with an outstretched glove.  2 corners came and produced nothing whilst a kick from the angle at the other end after some quick feet via No 7 (George Blackwell) ended with a shot by No 6 (Adam Stuart) who just couldn't keep the ball down.  The whistle perhaps was a blessed relief.

A brew for half-time, whilst walking to the brewing bar I noted the Milky Conecap Fungus (Conocybe apala) and whilst being served a Rose Sawfly (Arge pagana) was picked out by my fellow football chum, STP Stu.  Walking back to our standing point John D informed us of a few football scores, none from the Premiership though, we have no interest in that bunch of business orientated bullshit.

The second half began with Cheadle exposing pace, Blackwell was immediately threaded through at a slight angle, alas the shot was more like a back pass rather than a dig at goal.  In return to this attempt on goal the yellow clad No 8 (Seth Elis) of Ellesmere tried his luck but the shot was low and without spite - the game now needed an injection of gusto, preferably right up its jacksie.  Suddenly, from a 'nothing moment', a low free-kick was put in by the hosts which Tindall connected with and somehow touched home - 3 - 0 - it was all too easy.  The clock, the tempo, the situation (or 'shit-uation) were all against the guests, they battled on and contributed to a stodgy game that saw flow lacking and attention to detail slacking.  No 7 (James Gregory-Cork) advanced for the guests, put one across the goalmouth only to see a lack of urgency by the attackers let the ball go by untouched. 

The backside fell out of the game in one big dollop of disappointment has both teams stuttered and staggered like one-legged pygmy's on acid.  From the bilge water Tindall had another touch at goal that went wide and then a blistering multi-pass move, that saw Wright and Kirby as key components, was finalised by a low drill from Stuart that wasn't too far of the mark.  Ellesmere cultivated another period of hope, a penalty shout was the pinnacle, the referee was having none of it.  A cross came after more hustling, it went over the reaching keeper, once again there were no takers on hand.  The last suggestion of excitement came with an in-box indirect free-kick for the hosts.  A touch, shot block, a touch, another shot block and then the keeper gratefully grabbed.  With one more bonus boot wasted this Hell-ish second half was brought to a close with many punters walking off unimpressed - it hadn't been a classic.  From the mire though I found a few rays of hope, the Man of the Match was one of them it goes to Cheadle Heath Nomad's No 5 (Luke Taylor) who was an immovable force at the back, got his head on most balls,  read the game well throughout and put in many effective tackles - the goal was a veritable bonus. 

FINAL THOUGHT - Hark, is that a champagne cork I hear going off, is that the sweet melodic fizz of exotic bubbles flowing over the rim of the most delicate glass, alas it is not!  Instead we hear the vulgar slurp of a man who cringes at the sour juices of defeat as the prediction made once again has gone awry.  Nevertheless, the embarrassment is taken in good heart as this was a match that exposed many answers to many questions.  Ellesemere came, stuttered and in truth left me wondering 'where do they go from here'?  They battled, and worked hard but failed to make any real impression on the game and never really built up any momentum, the season could be a nightmare if they don't get the ball rolling soon.  The Nomads got the job done today with a few quality performances especially in the rear ranks.  The fact is though, this was not good enough and they need to perk up when they face quicker teams and sides with a more fluent approach and killer instinct.  These may be early teething problems, the season is still young and many are just out of the blocks.  There is promise here, but there is promise elsewhere, the question is, who will tap into it first and set about a spirited sequence of success - come the end of this opening month things will be a lot clearer.  As a footnote I must had that John D and STP Stu both called the correct score today, I wonder if they had any inside information, I went home a very bitter and twisted man.