BUX DELUXE

29th February 2020 - Buxton FC 5 v 1 Stafford Rangers - Nebulous plans had been made throughout the week but with the human race paying the price for years of neglect it seems the natural world is having the last laugh and water is rising, storms increasing and the temperatures rising - therefore Non-League Football is taking a sincere hiding and all matches planned were called off. Thankfully the snow at Buxton had disappeared and their 3G pitch was ready to host an intriguing Northern Premier League Match.  Whilst the good lady took her mum shopping I donned my 'Crystal Tips and Alistair' apron and did the dishes, hoovered up and kept tabs on a film on the TV known as 'Sammy's Super T-Shirt'.  The flick concerned a kid who had a T-Shirt that gave him untold strength. It seemed an interesting premise with the young nipper lifting tables, sawing through chopping boards and defying all sinewy logic.  I didn't see the ending but presumed the lad came to a sticky end whilst going through puberty and pulling off his own John Thomas when reading a copy of 'Throb UK' - it was destined to happen.  I attempted to replicate the strongman power's shown but ended rupturing a gonad whilst trying to lift next door's Datsun Cherry - no one told me they had a couple of stuffed pigs in the boot.  Eventually my wife returned home, my underparts were placed in a home-made truss and after a quick lunch we made our way to the chosen footy ground, it goes without saying the skies were grey and my globes were a trifle sore.  Once at the ground we paid our dues, acquired a warm drink and chips and chose a pie-hawking position.  It was colder than anticipated and a bit of thermally lofted football wouldn't go amiss. We finished our scram, met up with a fine couple we know who pootle around the same clubs as us and took up standing positions on the opposite side of the ground. 

And so to 3pm, the 2 competing ranks strode out, predictions were made, after last weeks 9 - 1 game we were hoping to be a little more on the mark and prove our prophesying credentials are not as wank as the rumour-mongers would have you believe - ooh the bitter set of bastards!

The game began with an early corner won by the home pack but matters were duly wasted.  A free-kick soon came the same way, the control in the box was shabby and the ball went loose with No 11 (Warren Clarke) having a punt that whistled by the upright.  Stafford eventually settled, had a brief sortie forth but were caught on the hop by a long ball that released the eager No 9 (Diego Degirolamo) who scooped his effort over the crossbar.  Buxton were the team holding greatest threat during the early exchanges though and soon advanced once more with No 3 (Alex Brown) out wide providing a cross that needed defensive attention.  No 8 (Reece King) pounced on the loose ball and attempted to place his shot - the effort was rather shabby.

The ball continued to go this way and that, the guests mounted an onslaught, a striker was played through but the tackle by the home No 2 (Matt Curley) was utterly outstanding.  A couple of injuries now impeded the flow with the Staff's having to make a substitute and play a few minutes with 10 men.  When the game picked up momentum The Rangers flew the flank, a cross came and No 9 (Jake Charles) was a little too late in arriving and could only nut behind.  Buxton reacted, a corner was won and drilled into the perilous area.  A touch on goal saw a Buxton player block the ball on the line.  Some rapid ping-pong followed, the globe hit the framework and then the ball was played away and looked to be heading for safety when the home No 4 (Callum Chippendale) gained posession and through a crowd of players, fired home.  Game on!

The onus was now on the trailing team to dig deep.  This they did with their No 2 (Levi Reid) hurtling down the wing and delivering a ball that No 10 (Brad Grayson) met with an over-enthusiastic belfry that put the ball off target.  A few flakes of snow began to fall, the chill had crept into the marrow and I saw one old fellow nearby switch the dial on his electric underpants to level 'max'.  Ooh heck - roasted goolies, not a smell I am particularly fond of!

The game continued with good pace, Buxton suddenly exploded with a long ball finding D. Degirolamo who nipped between a trio of rear guard protectors, nutted the ball down, rounded the keeper and rolled the ball home to complete a simple and tidily effective second strike.  The losing team looked shell-shocked and soon after they were lucky not to leak a third but No 10 (Tom Elliott) for Buxton put both his attempts close but not close enough.  

The latter half of the first period came, Buxton were the dictators and looked to put the game out of sight.  A penalty claim was waved away due to the tumbled attacker lacking finesse and subtlety, D. Degirolamo had a first time shot that was the wrong decision when space was waiting to be attacked and then No 7 (Rod Orlando-Young) sent in a low, substrate-searing cross that the keeper palmed away at the near post with his defenders doing enough to snuff out any further problems.  The half ended with a final free-kick for The Bucks, D. Degirolamo crept in on the blind side and put his effort wide - time for a break methinks.

We had a choccy bar each for the interval, my wife sat down wrapped in a blanket and I made sure my bladder held onto the warming gold in the hope of staving off the shivers.  Tis no good at my age, restraining the slash is a silly thing to do but hey, when one is desperate to stay warm one will resort to almost anything.   A fellow with a dog passed by before the game restarted, I did wonder if the dog took a dump, how many would race to warm their hands on the resultant defecation - yes, it was one of those days.

Half two eventually began, The Rangers started in sprightly fashion and showed a decent snippet of spirit.  In the midst of the away teams advancements the hosts did have a free-kick that bore bugger all but then the Staffs came on, a ball entered the box, No 12 (Brandon Berti-Diau) touched on and No 3 (Matt Hill) was in the right place to poke home - 2 -1 - was this a game changing moment?

From this unexpected turn of events a scrappy period ensued with all the while, the next goal gaining in importance.  A gratis boot was eventually earned by The Bucks with D. Degirolamo having a punt at goal but donating a little too much elevation to the globe.  In order to get the blood flowing myself and my good lady had a wander at this point and moved to the opposite side of the ground.  We missed no serious action along the way although we did pass a bloke Hell-Bent on watching the game on one leg whilst reciting Jimmy Hill's memoirs in a Pakistani accent - I blame a brain chill, the man did look a trifle dithered!

Once the arses were parked on cold plastic Buxton won a corner.   The ball was posted with average pace, initial heads failed to make contact but No 6 (Connor O' Grady), read the way of the play and nipped in and bagged a goal for himself.  The wind may have been blowing around the ground, it may have been escaping from a few anal areas of folk having indulged in a pre-match pie and peas treat but it was certainly not found in the sails of the trailing team.

Now the game looked done and dusted, my wife had predicted 3 -1 before kick-off, I had gone for 4 - 1 - surely one of us would be right come the 90 minute call.  Another corner came for Buxton from a relatively innocuous position.  The cross came, a touch on had and No 16 (Liam Hardy) coolly controlled and stroked home - now then, was that it or was there more to come?

The final stretch raced by, Buxton had numerous chances and ineffective efforts on goal.  The 4 - 1 pre-match estimation looked bang on the mark with no further breakthrough looking likely.  Suddenly No 11 (Warren Clarke) and Chippendale battled away, the ball fell to the latter player who darted and quickly consider the angle.  A cross was turned down, a thumping shot had, the keeper had no chance - 5 - 1 and my trip to 'Orrible Arthurs Betting Shop' to pick up my winnings was now only a dream.  During the final thrusts Stafford had one last surge.  A free kick came, the lofty Berti-Diau touched on and No 9 (Jake Charles) put the ball against the framework - it just wasn't to be the visiting team's day and soon after they were left to ponder a 5 - 1 thumping and wander off well and truly beaten.  The Man of the Match today went to Buxton FC's No 9 (Diego Degirolamo) who was a perpetual menace, a quick thinking frontman who was consistenly thinking on his feet, posing problems and keeping the opposing defence distracted - even off the ball he was a menace, it did make a difference.

Wandering off we said farewell to our two companions for the day (cheers for the good company Gareth and Sandra) and then dashed to the car to get the heater on and give certain parts of the body a little more feeling - when we return we may pick a sunnier day!

FINAL THOUGHT - Well on a cold day out I nearly picked the correct score whilst freezing my nuts off and trying to keep the missus from turning to ice.  The home team provided some good on-field radiation to stave off the true meteorological bite whilst the away squad spluttered away and never really built up any head of steam.  There was a gulf between the sides today and with Stafford languishing the lower reaches of the league there seems some serious work needs doing.  First things first methinks and more creativity and cohesion is needed in the latter two thirds with the attack needing a severe rocket up the arse and a touch of pace adding - I do hope they can get things sorted, today was a severe bad day at the office.  Buxton FC have been floundering but on this evidence look to be a side on the up and with an increased amount of confidence.  They were always keen to advance, play with a decent gusto and, if the truth be told, could have easily bagged three of four more goals.  The set up here is spot on, a spacious ground with a pitch not liable to fall foul to the weather (well, except heavy snow that is) and a fan-base that seem mightily loyal.  We shall return, we shall wait til the sun is beaming and maybe Buxton are dreaming - dreaming of a place in echelons higher - there could indeed be good things ahead!