23rd April 2022 - Denton Town 2 v 1 Vulcan FC - A morn spent sorting a new car out was not ideal, me and the missus are not car fans, they are merely tin can conveniences that get us about - all that petrolhead jargon and sales talk is wasted on us. After the deed we headed home, had lunch and a chill and then I was dropped at Whittles Park where I met the regular faces and my mate STP Stu. Prior to the game I had a kick about with a couple of young lads - I got a ball in the face and busted my glasses, I had a right sweat on and lost 2-3 and 1-3 on penalty shoot-outs. My stint in the nets was shite and I am sure I have ruptured a testicle straining to make a world class save. I came out looking like Gordon Wanks rather than the ex-England hero of a similar sounding name. A brew and a choccy bar was the reward and a good natter in the sun. The wind was now whipping up, I saw local doofer Jimmy Pelosi hold onto his syrup and mutter some indecipherable Scottish cusses - I reckon he should just shave his head and have done, oh the cost of vanity.
The game began at 2pm sharp, both teams looked full of desire and the initial competition reflected that with too much haste, a lot of waste and a taste of things to come. Things were highly vocal from the off with the home set-up battling well and hollering away. The best of the early pressure was a long ranger from No 4 (Lewis Cooper) but accuracy was lacking and the keeper remained unconcerned. Vulcan held firm, won a free-kick that was put into the box and nodded on. No 9 (Scott Walker) collected but contact was poor - chance gone.
A long ball from the Denton No 1 (Hari Cawthorne) came next, a defensive header flicked the ball into the path of No 9 (Jordan McCann) who only had the mittman to negotiate. The attempt on goal was firm enough but the keeper's legs did what was required of them and the scoresheet remained unblemished. Denton continued to be the livelier outfit and with the wind at their backs seemed likeliest to bag the first goal. The blasted wind was now a major factor though and hindered attacks at both ends of the pitch. Another fascinating hinderance may have been the puffing linesman who showcased some exhibitionist flag waving whilst smoking a fag and chatting bollocks with a few fans. Slick Nick did his best although some would say his best was... well you can make up your own mind.
Despite ploughing into the gale somehow the Vulcanites broke the Denton ranks and No 14 (Stuart Wellstead) was released. With only the last man between the sticks a sure-fire goal seemed to be the outcome but when the effort came the historical file labelled as 'wank' was opened and this attempt was duly stored away in the subsection of 'forgettable'.
Denton responded to this scare with a counter. McCann had possession and a chance to shoot but crossed instead. The defending pack stood firm but still conceded a corner. The ball from the angle came, the wind assisted the flight of the ball and goalward it went with the keeper doing mighty well to palm away. Cooper was on it like an Anal Fly on a nudist's exposed buttock but the shot was disastrously mis-hit.
The half rolled on, the last 10 minutes came. Denton maintained the momentum but Vulcan were resolute and standing proud (this does not mean that 11 players ran around with erect members by the way). A long ball came for Vulcan next, a defensive mix up saw Walker nip in and release a first time shot. The keeper was caught standing still (maybe there was a hard-on catching his eye), the ball rolled by and looked to be heading into the onion bag. Alas the globe went just outside the upright, now that was close.
The half ended with a Denton free kick that was fired at the goalie and a similar gratis hoof the other way that was shite. I think the break was needed.
A brew and natter was needed, and a stretch of the carcass. I feel like a walking shambles at the mo, fucking anxiety is an eternal predator always waiting to pounce and of late the darn bastard has had me and ripped my innards out. I am digging deep. Seeing Jimmy Pelosi and the referee measuring todgers during the interval did nothing for my nervous system - I mean, tartan thongs for crying out loud!
Half two and Vulcan were on it with the breeze on their backs. A ball was immediately dinked forth, No 10 (Ben Brownhill) let fly first time, I am sure it removed a layer of paint as it shaved the outside of the post. The kick-back from Denton came via their industrious No 2 (Declan Brinsley) who raced down the flank, resisted several challenges and reached the end line whereupon a cut-back ball was executed. Alas a striker wasn't waiting for the pass and the chance went begging, it was a shame as this was some run. Vulcan strove to make an impact, a corner, a flick header by Brownhill over the bar and a free-kick taken by Walker which was blocked all too easily, was the best the team could contribute.
The Town made headway next, McCann collected, worked the line and put in a good cross with No 7 (Luke Morris) bouncing high and putting his header over. The hosts were undeterred by this failure to bulge the bag (phwoar) and peregrinated into the opponents half once more with a cross not dealt with by a dawdling defence. Morris was the man on the ball again and this time made no mistake and walloped home to fracture the deadlock - the lead was fully deserved
The same player who had bagged the goal was close to doubling matters soon after when a toe-poke from a high ball trickled wide - Vulcan were living on a buttered knife-edge with their conkers bared. The guests had the ball on target a couple of times soon after but the attempts were straight at the keeper who remained secure. Corners followed at both ends, no joy was had. McCann for Denton had a chance to kill the game but the shot was mightily tame and easily gathered.
Time was racing on, Vulcan were getting desperate but a ball out wide came, a cross was nutted onto the head of Wellstead and the cranium did the business by putting the ball over the static keeper - 1 - 1- what a sickener for the home side.
Undeterred the local lads kicked on with McCann and No 12 (Aiden Hopkins) linking up like a couple of homo-sausages, the ball being served on a plate for No 14 (Romero Coley) to wallop home but the result being a shot in to the Heavens. At the other end a chance to bag all three points came but the shot just wouldn't stay on target. The visitors had another go at grabbing the full 3 point prize but a shot from Walker went across goal and no awaiting toe was found.
The game looked to be done and dusted as we entered the dog end of the do. No 11 (Elvis Omeroghe) had a late shot for Denton fly off target and then a ball went up in the air in and around the Vulcan box. No 16 (Sherriff Ayoade) for the hosts was the first to react, took one look and let fly a juicy peach that nestled in the bottom corner of the fruit basket. The players went ape-shit, a few young fans ran onto the pitch to join in the celebrations and moments later the game was done. What a way to finish and although something of a shock result the outcome after 90 minutes was not to be questioned. Man of the Match goes to Denton Town's No 2 (Declan Brinsley) a player who stuck to his guns, remained consistent throughout and who does things in his own quiet and effective way - he is getting better by the game.
FINAL THOUGHTS - Vulcan came with hopes raised and were caught out by a side up for the task and willing to put in a stint. The beaten side though still have hopes of promotion with 3 tough fixtures to negotiate that will take points away from their rivals. The team is balanced, has a good home ground and have not got this far through the season without being anything less than 'effective'. I think if the team miss out this time they will be favourites for the next campaign - all they need do is keep the ethos, keep the players and make sure they make consistency their chief weapon. Denton Town have had a rocky time of late and put in some stinking performances. Today they were on it and all areas worked their arses off and communicated with clarity and purpose. The result speaks for itself and again, if the team holds onto its present staff, focuses on the challenge ahead and makes sure everyone is 100% committed both on and off the field then success will follow. It sounds mighty easy but it ain't - here's hoping anyway.
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