Wednesday 7 December 2022

WYTHERING ON THE LINE

6th December 2022 - Wythenshawe Amateurs 1 v 0 Barnton FC - The Non-League authorities have been sent a stern message, a message on behalf of all we touchline stalwarts who brace the cold and watch the great games unfold whilst our genitals wither and the cranial juices freeze over. I mean, it just isn't on is it?  Within the weft of the ravings was a request to issue all gents with suitable sized 'Appendage Heaters' and all eager lasses with appropriately designed 'Thermal Pussy Plugs' - for a minimal fee many clubs could add to their coffers and perhaps even create their own genital heating range - the 'Denton Town Anti-Dick Ditherer', the 'Barnton Ball Wrap' or even the 'Cheadle Town Chunky Knit Chuff Muff' etc. etc.  Alas this is all a dream and with the Orbs and Sceptre tucked up tight I met up with STP Stu and indulged in a brew and a burger.  Predictions were made, we both agreed the home team should do the business - the mockers were on, could the Ams defy the curse of the prophesying pillocks.

The opening throes of the contest were brisk and highly animated with both teams displaying a fine hunger.  The first free kick came for the hosts after a bizarre sex hug surely meant the fouled player would need a pregnancy test after the match.  No 7 (Kieran Curtis) delivered the bonus boot, a corner was conceded but the ball was hoofed too long, and the chance disappeared into the perishing sky.  The hosts built momentum from here and started to dominate with another angled input coming and a solid on-the-line header needed to stave off penetration of the meshing.

Barnton were now under a severe cosh, with the keeper not helping matters by dawdling on the ball and nearly being robbed on two different occasions by the huffing and harassing No 9 (Saul Henderson).  The ball eventually went towards the home goal, the keeper got his maulers on matters and propelled a long hoof that Curtis chased and controlled.  A sweet contact was made, a marker negotiated, and a cross delivered with No 11 (Joseph Bevan) popping up and burying with unflustered ease.

A pause came next, there was a hole in the pitch, no doubt caused by an escapee mole from the laboratory of the local mad scientist Professor Glands - the man and his experiments are a public menace. With repairs done, the game restarted with another long ball posing Barnton problems and the flashing Bevan nearly in again.  Moments later No 10 (Bryan Ly) had a pop from middling distance, the outcome being a layer of paint removed from the outside of the horizontal.

The incessant blue flow continued with The Villagers doing well to keep the deficit down to one goal. A free-kick came next, Ly hit a pearler but was denied by the stubborn upright.  The strike was surely deserved of better. Barnton eventually had a pop on goal via the hard working No 2 (Jay Lee).  The host No 1 (Samuel Goodwin) kept his orbs on the ball though and saved well. The guests slowly worked themselves into the game, but luck wouldn't roll their way and after a yellow card was issued for what seemed a perfect tackle the half ended with Wythy on top and nearly doubling their lead via a prod by No 5 (Luke Worth) that was just shy of the mark.

Matters stayed as they were with me and my mate Stu making quick haste to acquire a warming brew and get the circulation flowing. On the way back to our touchline spot we were far from impressed by a flock of Moroccan Shit-Hawks pecking at the home dug out, it seems the aforementioned Professor's aviary is in need of repair with a runaway Yellow Nobbed Ostrich seen soon after and confirming our suspicions. Honestly, the RSPCA need contacting and perhaps, I need to a trip to the docs to check the medication I am on.  

Half two and an early gratis hoofing for Barnton saw No 10 (Joseph Levey) deliver and a header get deflected wide.  The corner came, a bonce sent the ball skyward, the keeper punched and the pressure was eased. Another Barnton corner came, a handball shout rent the night air, the referee was having none of it and waved play on.  The Wythy Warriors reacted, a free-kick was won but the strike by Ly was straight into the meat of the keeper's carcass.

From here, it must be said that Barnton put in some impressive work with a few shots coming at the opposing goal and the home ranks forced to scamper like macho men in the midst of a worked-up Village People reunion.  The impetus and never-say-die attitude was applaudable, the only thing lacking was a goal.  

Eventually, tired legs and fagged frameworks helped the game fall apart at the seams, similar in fact to a well rogered Bagpuss.  Substitutes were made by both teams; the steam rose from players busting a gut but a stalemate had been reached despite Barnton's valiant efforts. Minor excitement came but little in the way of orgasmic inducing eruptions were witnessed.  With flaccidness taking hold the final whistle blew and I was left to ponder the Man of the Match which goes to Barnton Town's No 2 (Jay Lee) for a real stint, some hard chasing and for primarily being keen and eager from first to last.  He was unlucky to be on the losing team in a game of two halves that was surely deserved of a draw - sometime the footballing Gods are real bastards.

FINAL THOUGHTS - If Barnton FC play like they did in the first half they will have a long season ahead, if they play like they did in the second half they will do just fine.  The reverse can be said of Wythenshawe Amateurs - more performances like the first half and the door of promotion will be nudged wider with every game.  More performances like the second period and the hinges will come off and the door will come crashing down.  I suspect Barnton will get better as the season unfolds, a top ten finish will be satisfactory methinks although areal push could get them a few places higher.  The WA pack expect promotion, but it may well have to be the play-offs through which they eventually progress.  They are definitely a top 2 side and just need to stay focused for the full-term and make sure they bury teams when in command.  There will be upsets and chances taken and lost along the way, once we get to the other side of Christmas the picture will be a little clearer.

No comments:

Post a Comment