A morn was spent with the best lasses on the planet, a trip to Wythenshawe shopping centre doused the spirits, a coffee in nearby Cheadle with some good chat raised them again. I was soon dropped off at footy which was an early finish so I could piss off to Bolton for my next gig from where I would nip down the road to catch another band. The season so far had left me devoid of any goal-fests, would today deliver the goods? Well, a chat with Warren Dodd of Irlam FC left me wondering as he was quite happy for 0-1 win as long as his team got the 3 point prize. Ooh the rotten sod.
So, on a cold and grey day I grabbed a brew and some chips and curry sauce. The latter were outlandishly satisfying, the former was a fair brew which niggled my prostrate and forced me to take a leak halfway through the first half. The question is, did the pecker pointing moment force me to miss a goal? Read on, all will be revealed (including of course, my perished privates).
2pm, the globe was rolling, within seconds it seemed to be spending more time in the air than on the deck as both times tossed about and tussled for the upper hand. The first assault toward the onion bag came via the guests with No 9 (Declan Daniels) laying off to No 7 (Jack Mitchell) whose shot at the angle was woeful. The hosts looked for an immediate reaction but Irlam were already set up solid and were looking like a tough nut to crack.
From another questionable period, akin to the fumblings of wannabe sex star Albert Upright (lots of prodding and poking tha' knows), Irlam were the eventual beneficiaries of a corner kick. No 10 (John Johnston) was in the mix, a shot came, Cheadle had no need to break sweat and the danger passed easier than a buttered turd. A free-kick was awarded to the visitors next, following an awful decision for an high foot. The ball was struck low, a striker completely missed it and a home player was mighty lucky not to have an own goal next to his name.
Cheadle were struggling to gain a foothold here, mainly due to Irlam's off the ball activity. The home No 8 (Darren McKnight) didn't help raise any hopes either when his attempt at a strike was marked down in the 'wank' column next to a note of Kier Starmer's leadership skills (one has to ponder all areas of life). Danger came and went at both ends of the park with no serious peril had. The game was lacking a true spark and as I nipped for the aforementioned leakage break when I zipped up and returned to my perch I was unsurprised to see that the stalemate continued.
Irlam came next, a cross saw the home keeper called into action and just doing enough to deny the blue clad Mitchell a free header. Cheadle responded with a quite sumptuous passing sequence that had Irlam chasing shadows. Daniels was the apical factor and the end shot deserved better than to land in the awaiting mitter's midriff.
Cheadle upped the ante and finished the first 45 well but were slack in parts and nearly caught with their conkers exposed. A few half chances and we were done, no goals, no great thrills, by ruddy crikey!
There was no movement from me for the break, I was a trifle fagged and so had a snack and watched the clouds roll by and prepared for half two. The minutes whizzed by, the teams were soon back out, I must have fallen into some kind of reverie, I could easily have had a nap.
Irlam began period the second with great animation. No 3 (Taylor McMahon) chased a ball, put in a delicious cross that the keeper did well to palm away. The Town came back, No 9 (Oliver Ford) gained possession, battled away like a Jack Russell with a pork chop in its mouth. A cross ensued, No 7 (Kaleb Parkinson) let go a first time shot - the ball refused to stay below the horizontal timber. Within the twitch of the said dog's rectum Irlam countered with a ball played into the box that saw 2 strikers indulge in a bout of indecision and let a golden chance slip by.
The game was looking to be the first 'bullet' I had witnessed in a long while, a point would be no good to either team and I still hoped one unit would find the killer touch. More sorties forth, more quality free moments until a superb move from the hosts saw them move from the back to the front with a shot coming that the Irlam mittman made a hash of. Somehow the gloved bugger managed to survive the scare and deny the hosts a real sweet team goal.
As hopes of a goal dwindled a long Irlam ball found Daniels who was left with only the keeper to beat. The protector of the mesh advanced and committed the great sin, a penalty was given and as 15 (John J A Main) stepped up to take the spot kick his whole demeanor seemed to lack positivity as the keeper swung his arms around like a gibbon with a severe BO problem. I expected a save or a miss, the shot came, the keeper saved, No 11 (Takura Sambizi) followed up and a block was made. The corner led to a screwball scramble and a free-kick. The high delivery struck the crossbar, but still no goal.
The last gasps, Irlam put in a few more decent crosses, the end execution was lacking. The game finished in hectic fashion with both units looking to grab a winner. A late free-kick saw Cheadle's McKnight fire at the keeper and that was indeed, that.
No goals, plenty on hard graft, on reflection no team deserved to win this and no team deserved to lose it. Man of the Match, Irlams No 3 (Taylor McMahon), a talented chap with a good work rate and a nice touch. He helped keep the opponents at bay whilst always making a solid contribution - maybe next time he will be on the winning side.
Off I ambled whilst chatting to another fine Irlam regular - it was agreed that this was a day when things were not good enough at all, I hope my gig would be a better form of entertainment - bring on the racket!
FINAL THOUGHTS - Irlam were pushing for a play-off spot, I think this day will come back to haunt them come season end. They have the players, the quality and the energy, they just need to work on that clinical touch and when on top of a team make sure they make them pay. I think next season, with a few tweaks and an injection of a little more belief, the team will be in the mix and putting the wind up many competitors. Cheadle Town are a rugged unit that are still finding their feet in the premiership but who are certainly capable of holding their own with all and sundry. At times they play some slick football, at others they totally confound the cranial senses and have one scratching the bonce in disbelief. They have a good manager, many solid players, they are not far from being a real threat and becoming a major player in a real tough league. Again, the apical areas need sharpening and work off the ball must be done with a 100% commitment at all times. If the local water supply is laden with heavy duty angel dust and the players are threatened with a death penalty following a defeat I reckon the changes will come sooner rather than later. I am contacting North West Water now and sending an email to the relatives of Albert Pierrepoint to see if they fancy any part-time work - needs must.
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