8th August 2026 - Wilmslow Albion 2 v 3 Uppermill Res - The day started with this Fungalised git getting up early and cycling from Stockport to Earlam's Tea Rooms in Styal. A chill, a brekkie bap and a coffee - it were ruddy needed, I already had a sweat on. A Painted Lady Butterfly was nice to see, a brace of Mint Moths and a few other species were logged, tha' gotta do tha' bit rather than staring into space scratching one's clammy conkers. A short cycle and the morn was spent in a small area of the local country park, away from the mush and mooching in the undergrowth. I got a few strange looks from folks marching along, looking at their phones, missing real life and perhaps wondering what a bare-bellied blighter was doing with a net in the long grass. Well, I was admiring many species and clocking up a small list before grabbing another coffee and beetling about in a farmer's field on my lonesome - it were ruddy grand. Long Winged Coneheads; Lesser Marsh Grasshoppers; Common Field Grasshopper; Common Green Grasshopper and Roesel's Bush Cricket's kept me company (as well as a few other critters) and got me so absorbed that when the farmer arrived to close the gate I had misplaced my T-shirt. Thankfully the ragged garment was found, I had a quick natter with the polite man of the fields and ambled on. 'Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O, and on that farm there was a twat, E-I-E-I-O etc etc. I was soon at the ground for today's game, fagged out, a trifle burnt and in need of a sprawl, with a 'fuck, fuck here, a bugger, bugger there, a fuck, fuck, bugger, bugger fuck.... well you get there drift, I blame sun-stroke.
20+ species were recorded before I stretched the carcass and had a read. A few chapters, a walk around the pitch where I had a quick gasbag with the home team Manager before grabbing a coffee and a can of cider from the lovely lady in the vehicle of victuals. I soon found my chosen ogling spot and got the pen and paper ready. The liner was an Uppermill bod whose son was playing, a ruddy decent bloke who nattered throughout the first half rather than attend to his flag waving duties - such is this Non-League game at this glorious level.
I counted 35 peeps in attendance, a shame because this is a grand set up - but I was there, enjoying the game and here is what I saw.
A Brown Hawker whizzed by, the ball got moving. The first sortie forth and a long Uppermill ball came, No 11 (Ellis Racz) was galloping but the globe had too much impetus and pinged from the yellowing baked surface thus negating a true crack on goal. The game's opening throes were rather fractured to say the least with the hosts not fully settled and the guests working darn hard off the ball. The home No 10 nearly snuck in but the visiting No 1 (Jack Darnbrough) was alert and quelled the threat.
A lack of high end action was noted, it duly saved me using ink I suppose. Eventually the game took on a pattern and became more composed. The guest No 3 (Kyran Rees) was looking a very relaxed customer and knocked a quite accurate ball down the line from which a cross was made, No 9 (Oscar Newton) arrived and set the sights before firing home. This was a simple, effective and crucial goal highlighting how the game can be played with great effect.
Wilmslow now tried to respond, a corner was delivered with eye-catching accuracy but the keeper was fist-ready and punched away. A player was felled, the ball somehow ended in the net, alas no goal was given. Another angled hoof came the same way and again the postal service was first class but unfortunately the mittman had been practicing his fisting skills (ooh the nasty perisher) and thumped clear. The resident ranks continued to push, got rather carried away and were caught on the hop. Uppermill darted away, Newton had a shot, the keeper saved, the sphere was loose and the same attacking blighter stepped up and doubled the lead.
The half had absolutely blazed on, I continued to make notes, natter with the liner and take in this early season spectacle. Wilmslow needed a response, Uppermill continued to push, Rees put in a fine cross, the keeper pushed away and Racz pounced, struck first time and bagged himself a quite lovely goal. By fuckin' crikey, 0 - 3 already and the game looked to be turning into something even Mystic Meg couldn't have predicted. I wondered where the hosts could grab a life line from when a free-kick from distance was awarded. The ball was humped into the box, the rising bonce made no contact, the keeper seemed confused and the ball bounced once and ended up in the back of the net - a bonus and a shocker in one twitch of a turtle's todge. It seemed Tom Long was given credit for the strike.
With mere minutes of the first half left I suggested to the liner that another goal was coming, I have seen this kind of occurrence so many times when a team looks to be heading into the break without a hope only to be given a lease of life through a bit of luck and a late goal. Uppermill nearly bagged another when the home keeper was caught wandering but the danger was cleared and then a Wilmslow ball was hammered forth, a shot at the back post came and the ball was blocked and there for the taking. No 7 (Jacob Moores) for the Albion was quickest to react and tapped it home - suddenly it was 2-3 and the end result was anyone's guess.
The half ended with a few scurries here and there, this had been an entertaining 45 minutes for sure. As the liner went for a break and to have a rest on the other side of the pitch, a chainsaw wielding maniac came and gave me visions of those 80's video nasties where limbs were severed and blood was spilled. Thankfully he was a nice bloke just trimming a bit of vegetation. Personally, as a nature lover, I would leave the greenery for the struggling bugs and set up a pitchside circumcision business. Anyone having a bit of foreskin trouble could watch some fine football, get the nob-flesh seen to for a small fee and help keep the club going forward, whilst keeping the tip of the todger healthy and this trim-happy chap employed - win, win and skin methinks.
And to half two. I was feeling rather heated, I was hoping this would be another bout of intriguing capriciousness. Wilmslow advanced via a cool build up that culminated in a shot deflected behind. The corner was dealt with and Uppermill responded and won a corner of their own that the keeper punched clear. Wilmslow however were now looking the better prospect and just needed some up-front composure, quicker balls from the back and a smattering of good fortune. The travelling tribe won another kick from the corner, the ball in was of decent standard but the keeper was solid with his adhesive 'Evo-Stik' hands - ah the good old glue-sniffing days.
The game now became tighter than the governments environmental budget but Uppermill came close to snatching another goal when Newton chased a seemingly lost ball. The globe was delivered with a shot coming from a bod I missed the number of and a defensive block helping snuff out the peril. Substitutions came, a few shots each way also followed, the game however remained as it was with many a player looking rinsed out and ready for the final whistle. The home No 10 had a pop via a free-kick earned following a very tidy passing sequence - the shot however was low and poor, just like a poverty stricken depressive. Uppermill were now getting pushed back and playing a dicey game, Wilmslow Albion though were hitting too many inaccurate balls forth to put the shits up the opposing ranks.
10 minutes were now left, a cool composed head was needed, in this heat it seemed a forlorn hope. The hosts pressed, No 17 found himself close in with the equaliser to grab but somehow the ball was blocked. A decent pop by the same player followed, alas it was straight at the awaiting mitter. From here all we got was a desperate handball shout, a few skirmishes and that was that - how we had 5 goals in the first half and sweet FA in the second is beyond me but perhaps credit to the defenders must be given. Man of the Match for me goes to Uppermill's No 3 (Kyran Rees) a player who plays at his own pace, keeps the noggin down, avoids any nonsense and seems to find space and provide many a good ball. It was a fair stint, I hope the after match champagne was kept out of the sun and nicely chilled.
I was soon back on the bike heading home, a good trip out and a ground I should visit more often, I will see what I can do as the season develops.
FINAL THOUGHTS - Well, we are in the embryonic stages of the campaign, both teams have a lot of work to do it seems but there is a lot of promise too. Uppermill for me won this game due to working mighty hard off the ball and not getting overly rushed into making hasty plays. In this day and age the art of football is sometimes marred by a frenetic pace that destroys the fundamentals and ruins the full potential of many teams. Even though this was apparent today, at times the visitors had composure and worked well as a unit. The only blip I would suggest is to not get pushed back when the other team are fighting to get back into the contest and to make sure that when 3 goals ahead, the game is put to bed with its nightcap on. Wilmslow Albion blew this in the first half due to a slow start. To add to their problems too many balls from the back were late arriving I thought and the runs of many eager beavers at the front were thus wasted. To be fair though the team did well to take advantage of a snippet of good favour and work their way back in and make the second period a really well-balanced affair. I can't see the team struggling and reckon they have good potential but, if the potential is not tapped and their first points of the season not bagged fairly soon, then things could easily slip into the land of despair. My diary is laden with walks, gigs, trips and many games, I am seeking a fixture list as I type as I want to try and get back here several times this season, I may even do another report unless the Buzzsaw Badman cuts my fingers off - crikey - I think I need a Driller Killer fix.
NB: - the home teamsheet never transpired, I apologise for missing names out, I may rectify if details this way come!
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