9th December 2017 - Widnes FC 2 v 0 Barnoldswick Town - The silly season is here with the heavenly dandruff falling from the skies and playing sweet merry hell with the fixture calendar. We were going here, we were going there, we ended up going somewhere over there - The Select Stadium to be exact! Using a 4G pitch makes for an easier time of matters for this advancing club and the fewer fixtures there are in the backlog, the better and more promising the end of season run in can be. A straight drive down and into the Legends Bar we went for a warm drink and to watch West Ham put one over on the current champions Chelsea. My interest was slight in this affair of overpaid, over-pampered tossers and I spent most of the time chatting to my good lady - underpaid but always pampered. We supped up, bought a team on the football card draw (Derby County because I know a man who is a fan - silly git) and headed out into the chill to take up our positions. Flakes fell in sporadic bursts, the cold turned our noses the colour of a battered beetroot and if any accusations of alcoholism came our way we would have been hard pushed to deny them. The teams buggered off after the warm up and I wondered if they would have the good grace to reappear and indulge in a game rather than feign injury in the hope of having the match abandoned and avoiding a freezing (I wouldn't blame them). Thankfully the players and officials came out and at 3pm on the dot 63 paying punters in a 13,350 capacity stadium were granted a game that went like this:-
The hosts started brightest with the ball zipping around the Barlick half and keeping the guests honest and alert. Space was at a premium though and the first shot came the way of the visitors with No 11 (Joel Melia) cracking one in low and hard. The goalie collected and nearly spilled as No 9 (Mark Threlfall) sniffed out a potential chance. The mitts re-grabbed, the slight scare was over, the pulse levels returned to normal. Barlick cultivated the next chance with a free-kick getting a flick on from No 5 (Mark Young) and the ball only slightly off the mark. Widnes used this attempt as a catalyst and responded with their own No 5 (River Humphries) lofting a long ball over the top. No 10 (Chris Lomax) was in like a farmers finger in a cow's arsehole (forgive me, the cold is affecting my head) and let a quick shot go. The goalkeeper though was out, up close and made a regulation block. From here the guests produced some neat midfield work via the vitality-laden Melia who fed No 8 (Andrew Hill) who in turn shot and made the home No 1 (Richie Mottram) make a firm save. Within the ruffling of a goose's rectal feathers (by it is chilly today) Threlfall was the next Barlick bod through but the home no 6 (Michael Burke) put in a corking tackle and doused all danger. The corner was, as they say in the farming world, horse shit! Despite 20 minutes on the clock though, and no goals, this was an enthralling clash with the 2 units playing tidy football and defending well. Barlick's main downfall was their over-eagerness up front which saw them fall into too many cobwebs of offside whereas Widnes were getting through and having the odd shot but just not being clinical enough when the right moment arose. No 9 (Brad Smart) of Widnes nearly corrected this criticism with an immediate curler that looked destined for the far corner but was palmed away by a stretching mitter - a good save indeed.
Onwards matters went, Barnoldswick came again with Melia jinking away in the corner and putting in a sugar sweet cross. No 7 (Zack Dale) connected on the volley but the ball wouldn't stay down and flew into the stands. No 3 (James Crorken) had a rasper next, it came from an angle, the gloved guardian had his geometry set at the ready and read the trajectory well. An injury to Barlick's No 8 (Andrew Hill) saw him hobble off (get well soon sir) and after the hold up the depths of the half were upon us. Both teams were displaying watertight organisation and when the visiting No 2 (Alex Doyle) tried a hopeful dipping lob it kind of summed up the desperation creeping in. The same player let go another shot seconds later but this one was closer to the corner flag than the strike zone. A late free kick the other end saw No 3 (Will Doran) nip in and just miss the target, the half-time whistle blew - was this destined to be a full-time stalemate?
We hunkered down for the break, not wishing to expose our chuffs to the vulgar climes. The football draw revealed Blackburn to be the chosen team, rotten bastards indeed and about the only thing they will win I suspect. We nibbled on a snack, sipped a bit of ginger and watched the sky turn to threatening black and continue to issue the icy flakes.
The teams came out to continue battle with both squads snuffing out any potential peril. Widnes were starting to control matters and seemed to have got the bit between their choppers. From a settled period No 2 (Jay Roberts) went on a sugar rush and burst forth like a nipper entering a toffee shop. He passed, received and booted in the blinking of a disbelieving eye and the ball slapped home and kicked renewed life into this second period of play. It was a smart strike and soon after the Widnes lads had found the net again but this time the waver of the flag suppressed celebration as offside was given. Despite these two rousing moments the game was still tighter than George Best in a brewery but as stated, the home team seemed to be holding all the aces. Their No 7 (Kevin Towey) was the next to seek success but a good defensive tackle by Young put the dampeners on the drive.
The game now went into lockdown, the temperatures took a downturn and thoughts of swapping my walnut for a proper penis crossed my flickering mind. A substitute came, the came paused but restarted with pace and an instant shot by Bannister was cruelly deflected and looped with spite into the awaiting mesh. Widnes were 2-0 up and it looked as though another 3 points were in the sack. The congratulations had barely ended when Doran of Widnes sent in a ball of fire with a long range shot that inspired the goalkeeper to stretch and athletically tip onto the bar - what a fine moment, first class strike, first class save - wonderful non-league stuff. Barlick attempted to pull one back via a free-kick but the flick on just didn't have enough direction or 'oomph'. The last seconds and Bannister for The Whites streaked down the flanks, flashed in a cross and saw all in-box players miss the travelling globe - groans rose, it didn't matter, a tickling later and we were done. A decent spectacle with some very rewarding stints put in. Man of the Match for me though goes to the home No 5 (River Humphries) for a cast iron effort that was safe, reliable and gave all around him a solid foundation on which to build - keep it flowing sir (see what I did there, cute hey).
FINAL THOUGHT - Well we survived the weather and the effort made was rewarded by a game featuring two highly capable sides who have many positive qualities on which to rise. Widnes are a very structured unit who always catch the appreciative eye and today, after being put under a cosh during the first half, came out in the second and dumbed down any potential their guests brought to the playing surface and eventually won the game. Barlick were a team of two halves today and really lost cohesion and overall ideas in the second period, no doubt much of which was down to their resilient opponents. I wouldn't read too much into this negative transition, they are a thoroughly decent squad who will pose many a good team a problem. I hope to get back up to the Silentnight Stadium soon enough and enjoy their hospitality and fine brand of football. In the meantime, to all and sundry - keep getting out, doing your bit and enjoying this unmolested game of ours. For this aging punk bastard, it is a fine tonic to partake of.
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