10th February 2018 - Hyde Utd 1 v 0 Colne FC - According to Eliza Doolittle 'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain'. According to my own fair lady 'The rain is Manc is quite ruddy wank'. Can you guess which one is more relevant to this local non-league fan? And so, as I spent the morn sorting pictures of Sea Slaters, Devonshire Wainscot Moths, Edible Crabs and such like, I kept one beady eye on the tweet-waves and wondered at which ground we would end up at today. The window was repetitively tapped by falling droplets, the chill factor was enough to shrivel even a Rhino's nob and whatever option was forced upon us I would make sure that the winter thermals were used and we were internally stocked with victuals. Nowt worse than being in the cold and clemmed except perhaps being force fed Black Pudding by a nude and well-oiled Stan Ogden look-a-like - very nasty! So we dithered (literally) and dawdled and a final check of the non-league fixtures was had - as it turned out we ended up at Ewen Fields to watch an Evo-Stik North fixture. Upon arrival we purchased tea and some first class chips and duly awaited the teams. It was a blustery day, we had wrapped up warm and hoped for a cracking match to ease the winter blues.
Colne were early pace setters with consistent passing and holding play keeping the home team on their guard. The front chap for the visitors, No 9 (Harry Pratt) was a particular force using good weight and balance to cause considerable consternation for the hosting rear pack. The guests won a free-kick, a brace of half attempts came before No 8 (Bradley Knox) had a dig. The shot looked goal bound but was blocked on the line which in turn led to a Hyde break. No joy came but the game was warming up nicely. Seconds later Hyde sprung into extra life and when No 10 (David Brown) knocked a ball over the top, No 11 (Luke Porritt) collected and connected with what seemed a cross cum shot. Either way the ball took a deflection and ended up buried in the net - 1 - 0 to The Tigers and if truth be told, it was against the run of play.
Hyde were now invigorated, they won a free-kick on the outside angle of the box. No 8 (Big Khamsuk) stepped up and struck to the far corner. The ball was on target, the header that came to clear was mightily important. Hyde again, No 4 (Ross Day) and Brown linking up, the latter with a thump forth that needed a good save to keep the ball at bay. The globe was booted out, the Tigers had their tails up and Khamsuk was the next to try one but his decent effort was deflected wide. From the corner came nowt, we stayed as we were. Colne rode the pressure, they came back with some tidy and efficient link up play that saw No 7 (Matthew Morgan) finalise with a low, perilous cross. Hyde dealt with the threat and duly had the next effort on goal via Brown, who wove into space and shot through a developed gap. The mitter gathered low in the meat of his carcass and from here a veritable quiet patch ensued. Colne forced the issue, a sweet pass found No 10 (Alex Curran) who drove in a low steamer. The shot was smartly saved, it just needed that extra pep in the punch. The last effort of the half came after a substitute delay when a cross for Hyde saw Brown nod on and Porritt smash the side netting. The angle was acute but I am sure the player was more than a little miffed that he didn't hit the target. Seconds later No 9 (Dominic Marie) turned on a Pygmy's tit and swung the old shank. The ball flew with pace but went over the bar. The aforementioned pygmy rubbed his sore breast and that was that, half time and an evenly balanced affair.
We stayed put for the break, we couldn't be arsed to queue for a drink so chewed some Thornton's Special Toffee whilst we nattered - ooh me arthritic jaw!
Half two started in a balanced fashion with no team dominating matters - it was a theme that was set to last and provide little in the way of nipple-perking action. Colne passed well and looked to probe (watch yer arses lads), Hyde had the first effort on goal via a Khamsuk rasper. The ball was a dipper (no not the bird of the river) and just stayed too high to trouble the keeper - it was a nice try though! The next Tiger bite was countered when Pratt muscled away and punted. The save was all too easy, very disappointing. From here the hosts reignited their desire, No 3 (James Burke) won a midfield tackle, Marie chased, collected and tried to cash in. The punt was pinged wide, from the corner sweet FA was borne - in truth it was a mess. The Red Army reacted and created a half decent period of play, but no real pressure was put on their opponents defence. Morgan found time to cross and find No 3 (Andy Hollins) - again the shot was too tame, we needed someone to just lash and hope methinks. A snuff out continued, the canvas was in need of a splash of colour and as we wound down to the finish I did wonder where, if any, tones of tension or hues of excitement would arise. At the last, the Hyde Sub No 15 (Karl Jones) squeezed in a low cross for Marie to find at his tootsies. The striker paused, seemed to be in a schizophrenic state and couldn't decide what to do. When he did shoot, from mere feet out, the ball was blazed high and wide. At the other end Burke clobbered the Colne sub No 16 (Joseph Kouadiou). It brought uproar and a few verbals, the ref stayed calm and issued a yellow. The free-kick was cleared, another hold-up came after another foul. The liner was gobbed off at via a Colne defender, frustration over-ruling common sense, another card was brandished. The finish came soon after, it had been a dull second half but out of it I found it easy to pick the Man of the Match. Hyde's No 3 (James Burke) was supreme throughout and never missed a ball and totally blunted the blade of Colne's optimism. He read every situation, dealt with all balls, both on the ground and in the air, and when he moved forth always looked liable to cause a problem - a very outstanding effort.
FINAL THOUGHT - As a spectacle this one was, to all intents, a match like a dodgy prostate gland - the flow started well, turned to a trickle and then ended up as a drip and drab performance. This wasn't down to the teams, it was just a clash of styles and, in any sport of two sides, it frequently happens. If this one would have ended in a draw it would have been fair justice but Hyde got the lead early and defended it strongly and, had several chances to go on and secure matters throughout both halves. Colne were solid but for me just didn't have enough urgency and chomp up front. They showed good patience but this, in the end, left them little time to mount a serious back end push. Next time, I think a good dose of back-end laxatives need to be ingested so has to put an extra spring in the step and, paradoxically, put the shits up their opponents. Mind you they were up against a well drilled rear guard today who are not in second position in the league for nothing. To add, despite the game not being a thriller in the chiller we both enjoyed the day out and reckon Hyde have got a good set up going there. The chips are noteworthy, the seating area where we were absolutely spot on and the general support quite heart-warming - another ground to pop back to in the midst of all the North West Counties Matches I catch up on.
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