13th February 2018 - 1874 Northwich 1 v 2 Ashton Athletic - The weather tried to interfere with tonight's match and I had had enough. To combat any chance of a postponement I nipped out on the previous evening and did my humble bit. I rounded up several homosexual midgets who owed me a favour and duly escorted them to West Didsbury and Chorlton's home ground whereupon I ordered them, at water-pistol point, to get stripped and bend over. Thinking their luck was in they duly obliged but rather than some sausage-based satisfaction they got a good crack on the chuff with my ever-ready cricket bat I had concealed about my person (God bless my flared trousers). With arses ringing and glowing red the only thing they could do to ease the pain was sit on the pitch and paddle themselves around on the cooling turf like a pack of puppies with piles. You may think this a strange scenario, but in madness there is a method and with all the ruddy bums sliding around the playing area much steam rose and from a pitch one could have deemed unplayable we now had a surface that even the greatest footballing Gods would be happy to play on. The midgets were duly released from my command and it was considered a debt paid. I got news through at work next day that the match was called off after an afternoon pitch inspection - I may be up for murder anytime soon, darn those tiny buttocked people. I went home and pondered the options and was blessed with the news that 1874 Northwich had got the all systems go. The game was on, the power of the pained posterior had been proven useless but that didn't deny me a weekly Non-League fix. Me and my good lady had tea and headed out, these two teams always put on a decent show and I expected a right cracking match tonight. Would we get an unexpected goal fest or a duff do to teach me a lesson against my abuse of miniature gay people. I hope not, I am anti-prejudice to the core, many colours make for a better landscape, the fruitcake of life is far tastier with many flavours - although there are always exceptions to the rule and shit does have many shades. Ahem, and so, to the match - we arrived, we were refused entry as the match hadn't been officially given the go ahead. We waited with a few worried heads, some distant bods pondered a muddy area and then thumbs were raised and we duly entered - phew. We had a chat with a few friendly faces (take a bow Pete), indulged in chips and tea and parked our fundaments. The teams appeared and we had high hopes, come on lads, let's have it!
Initially we had a match that saw two sides indulge in a feeling out process (ooh matron) with the first sign of danger falling to the 74 No 9 (Scott McGowan). He nipped in like a ferret on a chicken and sensed goal glory. Alas, the shot that followed was wickedly wide of the mark. Ashton responded to this early warning by attempting to string together several good passing sequences, they did fine to be fair but just over-elaborated matters instead of pouncing more at the opponents jugular. Ashton's No 4 (Callum Wilson) made a poor clearance next that allowed the home lads to cultivate an attack. The defender recovered and a corner was had. The ball went in, was knocked out with No 7 (Adam Whitlock) of Northwich having a nutted strike that was really to weak to cause mittman consternation. Ashton hustled and hassled, 1874 earned another angled punt and it came low and hard. The first player to attempt a strike only kicked night air, the second player got his gonads behind the dig, the globe flashed high over the bar. After the guests had won and wasted a corner the hosts broke with Whitlock chasing away and in the clear. He picked his spot, connected well and watched the ball fly across the turf with pace - he must have been highly disappointed to see it roll pass the far upright! Onwards Northwich came, exposing a good zeal that was matched by The Yellows obstinate resistance. This defiance caused much frustration from which perhaps came a defining moment. A 74 back pass put the keeper in a state of trouble, his kick went up rather than forward and the visiting band of battlers capitalised. One touch, a pass and it was 0 - 1 and a shock was on the cards. No 10 (Joel Brownhill) was the initial contributor to the potential upset - well taken sir!
1874 now had their tails up, Whitlock had a weak shot to try and start a resurgence. This was now a test of Ashton Athletic's robustness and 1874's ability to turn a game around when things were obviously not going to plan. Ashton remained unruffled and were playing some measured football and from the melee of much midfield mither No 9 (Dale Korie-Butler) was put through albeit at a very sharp angle. He still got a shot away but geometry was his enemy and the keeper collected the ball with certain ease. Now the salty home heads came on, one attack saw many chances appear to pull the trigger but for some reason delays were had and the opportunity was eventually snuffed out. A great move from Ashton followed, Brownhill had time to finish but the resident No 1 (Greg Hall) produced a quality stop. The home fans grew in gobbery, they tried to verbally shift their team's gears, it was all to no avail and when the referee blew for half-time there was only one side leaving the pitch with a spring in their step.
Half-time, a chinwag, a few yoghurt raisins, a chat with the daughter on the phone, she was back from Uni tomorrow - yippee!
The teams came back out, the hosts were working hard but the final killer touch was permanently lacking, was it just one of those nights? An agitation was now rising as Ashton absorbed and then won 2 free-kicks. There was no end strike to tear the guts out of their opponents but it maintained a certain pressure that was simmering throughout a now frenetic match. The away team worked and created a period where they seemed to be controlling the tempo and, due to yet more hassling, another error was made in the Northwich back pack. Korie-Butler needed no further encouragement and took the invite to double his teams lead with assured quality. He connected well and found the bottom corner of the net and had certainly won his side the full bounty of points.
From here on in the home lads had to scrap like dogs but they were perpetually unsettled by a team with their peckers up (oh and on such a chilly night too). As time wore on and chances were let slip one did wonder if the hosts would ever get on the score-sheet. Suddenly they won a corner, the ball was floated in and the guests defence seemed to part quicker than the butt cheeks of Larry Grayson on a promise. A free header was had, No 4 (Jack Pritchard) had risen to the challenge and nutted home a ray of hope - game back on. Ashton were not to be quelled for long however and soon after Brownhill rasped one goalward although just slightly off target. 74 now tried to build impetus and build a flush of success but Ashton Athletic were the veritable kidney stone in the host's footballing waterworks and consistently impeded any flow. The finish was frenzied, tackles flying in by two bands of desperadoes. Eventually the last seconds became a memory, the whistle was blown and on a night when the weather had been defied Ashton Athletic and come and put in a most admirable stint. The Man of the Match goes to their No 2 (Aaron Cringle) who epitomised his teams' efforts, worked his whack and in truth, if any team can put the blockers on a quality 1874 side then their defence must be doing something right - here was a prime example.
FINAL THOUGHT - The fact remains that 1874 Northwich are one helluva solid side and really do play some pleasing football and they should not be judged on tonight's scoreline. This was a decent match that saw them shook up and beaten by a team who defended well, hustled with purpose and finished when they had to. The home lads will be bouncing back and I for one will be catching up with them a few more times this season. The supporters tonight were in fine voice, they have a cup match to consider very soon, my fingers are crossed that all and sundry are laden with success. Ashton Athletic came and proved their quality tonight and put on a show that proved what can be done with head down hard work and a persistent perspired effort. These are a team I always keep an eye on and visit several times throughout the season - they are worth the effort and I hope that the promise shown can be slowly built on and they get their just desserts. The weather tried to mar our enjoyment tonight, it failed, but by heck our feet were cold when we got back in the car. On the way home we listened to Five Live and the football results and feedback, do ya know what - what a load of bollocks all that Premier and European football is when you compare it to the non-league beauty - a world apart and long may it stay that way! To the 149 that made the effort tonight, the players, officials and doofers - thank you!
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